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Post by h on Jul 20, 2018 5:12:38 GMT -5
He may not see it as flirting and think he's just being friendly. Be very careful with this. If he's happy in his marriage, he may not want to see you again if you open up about your feelings. If he's unhappy but in denial of his situation (like so many of us when we first found iliasm) then he may not want to see you again to avoid the temptation to cheat. Be very careful as there is a high likelihood of you getting hurt.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jul 20, 2018 5:49:31 GMT -5
Here’s my thought based on what you just wrote Carol: It doesn’t sound like you see him often (and no longer professionally) so what could it hurt to put yourself out there? You say you’re not positive of his marital status so maybe you could just say something like: “I don’t know what your relationship status is but I am very attracted to you and would really be interested in getting to know you better if you’d like that as well.” Then it puts the ball completely in his court and whether he’s single, married, in a happy relationship or an unhappy one, he has the choice on what to do. You never know someone’s real situation ; look at all of us here! Many of us are married but miserable and I’m sure would welcome being told someone likes us, even if we don’t feel willing/able to act on it. I do agree it’s possible you could get hurt here but if you never take a chance you’ll never know, right? |
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Post by solodriver on Jul 20, 2018 7:53:08 GMT -5
"...look at all of us here! Many of us are married but miserable and I’m sure would welcome being told someone likes us, even if we don’t feel willing/able to act on it."
TES!!!! I'm one of those! 
Thank you for putting that out there Sister lonelywifey
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 20, 2018 8:35:17 GMT -5
hmmmm,....In light of your having implied that you have not interacted with this man in over 2yrs. it becomes a bit more tricky. if you are serious then I think you would have to take a generally "long time no see" approach to rekindling the relationship. as a man I appreciate it when a woman initiates a conversation, but I would be wondering why it took over 2 yrs. for it to happen. I might be flattered but also a bit antsy after this much time had passed. flirting is something many people do, especially if it seems safe. for him it might have only been having some fun as it often is on a woman's part. still, if you are genuinely enamored with this man, I think it would be a mistake not to at least put out a "feeler" and see if it brings a positive response.
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Post by baza on Jul 20, 2018 9:03:30 GMT -5
Here's you evidential reasoning Sister Carol - "The reason I think that he might (be interested in you) is that there is a video of him on YouTube for his practice that I watch often. It’s just so I can see him and hear his voice. It seems that for every time I watch it, someone watches it an equal of times. Could it be him?"
That is a really poor case you have put up. Now "if" in the two years since you saw him professionally he has contacted you personally, it might be a different story. Such contact would be some sort of evidence that he might be interested. Has there been such contact ? If there hasn't been then it I don't think this is a goer at all. |
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Post by workingonit on Jul 20, 2018 9:21:30 GMT -5
I am not sure I understand the significance of the you tube thing. You think he is watching himself again and again because you are watching him again and again? Can he tell it is you? Wouldn't it just say number of views? Also why would he watch himself again just because you did? I feel like I am missing something that may just be something about you tube that I don't get.
Forgetting about the you tube thing, life is short. If there is someone you have stuck in your head, put it out there. Not because you even think anything about if he was flirting with you. But because you are interested. What is the worst thing that can happen? You get rejected? Ha! Been there done that! Then you have a clear answer and can move forward rather than obsess a bit over this guy.
And it does sound a bit obssessive, tbh. I think that can be a part of our SM deal. We can latch on to that person or thing that feels like a rebirth or salvation or whatever. I am guilty if this as well. I think this is a good tendency to check and monitor critically. For our own personal growth and empowerment it is a good idea to be able to be happy alone and not fixate on someone to pull us out of our hell- either the hell of SM or the hell of the emotional fall out from it.
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 20, 2018 10:03:39 GMT -5
Carol, 2 years is long enough that any professional relationship is no longer a concern, but so long that it might seem out of left field if you cut to the chase immediately. If you’re looking for something with longevity, I like the suggestion of “I’m attracted to you, and I’d like to get to know you better”. Having a woman throw herself at me out of the blue might be flattering, but drives toward a completely different endgame.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 20, 2018 11:39:45 GMT -5
I’m sorry, Carol, but I agree with Baz that the YouTube example doesn’t indicate he is interested in you. Anyone could happen to watch the video after you.
I notice from your previous threads that you have had a problem with depression. Was he by any chance involved in your treatment? Whether or not he was, doctors are supposed to follow their profession’s ethical standards which include not dating patients.
I don’t think it’s a good idea to contact him.
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Post by flyingsolo on Jul 20, 2018 15:03:20 GMT -5
Or or or, you could completely say "Screw it, you only live once", dress in your most confidence inspiring man killer outfit, and make an appointment with him to see what happens..... If he starts your appointment with "Haven't seen you in a long time or How have you been?" you will know he at least remembers you and may be interested in you. If he doesn't and acts like it is a first visit for a new patient, then I doubt the feelings were mutual because he doesn't remember you. In my mind (and this is "man brain" talking), you don't forget women you were attracted to, even if it's been a few years since you've seen them. If he does remember you, you can always strike up a friendly conversation and see where it goes, ask him about his family life, etc. in pleasant conversation while finding out some basic facts. It might get to the point where you can imply that you are interested in him, but if the conversation doesn't go that route or he seems happily married, you leave yourself an out without having to put your feelings out there only to be rebuffed. Of course you can also do some cyber sleuthing to see if he is married (Facebook, check his professional profile on his practice website - sometimes they mention the person has a spouse, kids, etc. and what they do in their free time regarding hobbies, etc.). I also do forensic investigations and it's amazing what you can find out for free if you are willing to do a little digging. Maybe he's involved with a charity, etc. and you could "conveniently" show up at their next event, etc.? Keep in mind that if he is happily married and you pursue it further, you are pushing into territory that gets dicey and might end up with a restraining order . Just my two cents..... |
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Post by time4intimacy on Jul 20, 2018 15:08:54 GMT -5
I think you need to figure out what you want out of this situation, is it just to hook up and have casual sex or do you really want a long term relationship. If you want a long term relationship, I think you should be sure he is not married so you don't set up for disappointment. It is so complicated to be with a married guy.
If you just want casual sex and have some fun, the married part may or may not be an issue for him and it is much more likely you will get out of it what you want.
Either way, good luck!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2018 15:24:13 GMT -5
Carol, From what you are saying, I'm sorry to say, you have really no evidence that the doctor is at all into you. The YouTube stuff makes very little sense, and many people especially when lonely and down will consider someone being a nice person to them as flirtation. My question for you is, how would you feel if he rejects you? If you are spending this much time thinking about him, and it is a very long shot that he is both available and interested, would his polite "no" make you really depressed? Would it allow you to move on and look for more likely partners? Would you laugh it off? If you are already obsessed with him and a rejection would send you into a tailspin, then I would recommend that you work a bit more on yourself, since your value has nothing to do with anyone else - a hard lesson for many of us. If you can handle rejection, or if you need to hear this from him before you can move on, then by all means put yourself out there and ask him if he wants to meet for coffee. You might beat the odds.
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Post by Carol on Jul 20, 2018 23:55:38 GMT -5
Thank you all for your honest thoughts. I’m sitting here knowing you all think I’m crazy in putting so much stock into what just amounts to a crush on my part. I guess he’s just the first man that I’ve really been attracted to in a long time. I don’t know if I’ll ever contact him. Could the rejection I know would happen make things worse or allow me to move on? Who the hell knows? I guess I’m just looking for the “White Knight” who will save me and make me feel complete and rescue me from my SM. It would be so much easier than trying to save myself. I know there are so many other issues that I need to work on to put me in a better place mentally before I could make a better life for myself. I’m just so damn lonely, even with the husband sitting next to me.
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Post by baza on Jul 21, 2018 0:46:18 GMT -5
Issue #1
You are in an ILIASM shithole with a totally incompatible man.
Issue #2
You would like to be in a functional marriage with a totally compatible man.
It is very important to see that these two issues are separate and stand-alone problems.
You are NOT going to resolve your ILIASM shithole by a White Knight charging up on a rescue mission (or you looking for such a hero). That ain't going to happen and if some dude comes onto you promising such a thing I would seriously - REAL seriously - question his motives.
The ILIASM shithole is the key issue.
As long as you are in that environment, your ability to attract a decent bloke (and they do exist !!) has a lot of limitations.
But if you are out of the sub-optimal environment, a whole new world of possibilities opens up for you.
Blokes with fuddy duddie attitudes (like me if I was single) who would not pursue married women then come into play. Your free social life may see you frequenting target rich environments, your whole persona would be presenting very differently and you never know what that might attract into your orbit.
But again - two (2) different problems are in play here and two (2) different solutions are needed.
They are NOT the same problem...though clearly #1 (being with a totally incompatible bloke) has caused #2 (not being with a compatible bloke)
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Post by twotimesone on Jul 27, 2018 0:51:38 GMT -5
If I was a accomplished professional like a doctor or lawyer and a woman would come up to me about this, I think this would be a bad idea. I would think that this woman would be some kind of gold digger or something. If I was accomplished professional like a doctor, I would not need to go after some married woman with emotional baggage when I can just pay some woman in ashley madison for the same thing. iliasm.org/thread/3377/recruiting-married-woman-affairI've wrote up a thread about going after a woman which is of about equal social/economic standing and that might work. The woman whom I went after doesn't seem interested, so oh well. |
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Post by shamwow on Aug 1, 2018 21:47:41 GMT -5
Thank you all for your honest thoughts. I’m sitting here knowing you all think I’m crazy in putting so much stock into what just amounts to a crush on my part. I guess he’s just the first man that I’ve really been attracted to in a long time. I don’t know if I’ll ever contact him. Could the rejection I know would happen make things worse or allow me to move on? Who the hell knows? I guess I’m just looking for the “White Knight” who will save me and make me feel complete and rescue me from my SM. It would be so much easier than trying to save myself. I know there are so many other issues that I need to work on to put me in a better place mentally before I could make a better life for myself. I’m just so damn lonely, even with the husband sitting next to me. It can be so damn lonely BECAUSE the husband is sitting next to you. Which IMHO is why he seems so alluring. Someone you flirted with and you flirted back with? The thought of being with makes you seem a bit less alone? Alluring thoughts but I'm with baza on this one. Unlikely there is any "there there" based on what you've said. |
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