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Post by eternaloptimism on May 18, 2016 2:15:40 GMT -5
tamara68 has posted about her husband finding her out online. I hope things are ok Tamara x This is a big fear of mine. Has anyone else been found out? I wonder what the repercussions were.
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Post by smilin61 on May 18, 2016 2:25:16 GMT -5
I actually told my hub about ILIASM when I joined on EP and how helpful it was for me. Also that it was a public site and he was free to join in the discussions. He said he thought the group was like a bunch of alcoholics going to a bar and asking each other for advice. I told him he didn't need to understand, but he did need to respect my wish to be there. A few years later he said he had looked at the website and read some of my posts and that it was interesting. I've never heard it mentioned since.
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Post by sand5280 on May 18, 2016 2:35:58 GMT -5
I have not been discovered, yet it is a significant fear for me. She is constantly Googling for any and all information on various medical problems, which would be mentioned in our story. She has joined a few forums on these issues. I do have somewhat of a plan of explanation.
It appears there may be a flashlight at the end of this tunnel for her, and discovery would undermine all the support I have offered over these last three years. In contrast to many situations here, ours is a relationship which mainly involves physical obstacles. I have this entire description written in my mind, I am quite apprehensive, but I hope to be able to get it out sometime.
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Post by deleted on May 18, 2016 2:36:03 GMT -5
He should go fuck himself, but .... Well, you know!
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Post by Chatter Fox on May 18, 2016 8:10:25 GMT -5
I was found on EP a while back. It wasn't the end of the world. At the time it felt like the end of the world. In a way it was good. She got to read a lot of my frustrations and venting. I wrote a lot of things that i was feeling on EP and i didnt really hold back. She got to see the anger and desperation that I was feeling but that I couldn't allow myself to fully express to her in person. So, in a way, it was a good thing.
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2016 9:05:12 GMT -5
I'm thinking that being found out would be a good thing. For one, it would reinforce that we are serious about our feelings on the situation and maybe reading our posts would provide our spouses more insight into what we are thinking and feeling (because it sounds like a lot of them don't listen to or hear us). Two, maybe it would help push the envelope that we are all so reluctant to push.
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Post by baza on May 18, 2016 9:22:25 GMT -5
If there is a risk of physical retribution by a spouse, that would make a compelling case for being rather circumspect about what you say in here. (It would also make a compelling case that your spouse is a cunt, and thus a further compelling case to get out).
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But over and above that, if what you write in here is factual, what is there to worry about ?
Upsetting your avoidant spouse ?
Would upsetting your avoidant spouse necessarily be such a bad thing ?
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Post by tamara68 on May 18, 2016 9:24:46 GMT -5
I would have preferred it to be not discovered, but I have always had the possibility of discovery in the back of my mind. If I would have wanted to save my marriage at any cost I would have been more careful, but I don't want to save it.
In a bad situation it can not become that much worse, so I guess in the end it doesn't matter that much. And might be good to show the support here.
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Post by bballgirl on May 18, 2016 9:26:20 GMT -5
If there is a risk of physical retribution by a spouse, that would make a compelling case for being rather circumspect about what you say in here. (It would also make a compelling case that your spouse is a cunt, and thus a further compelling case to get out. - But over and above that, if what you write in here is factual, what is there to worry about ? Upsetting your avoidant spouse ? Would upsetting your avoidant spouse necessarily be such a bad thing ? Yep! I always say I don't have to apologize for saying the truth! |
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Post by angryspartan on May 18, 2016 9:38:14 GMT -5
If I ever were, I'd just ask her what does she expect.
What the worst they can do to us, cut us off until we behave?
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Post by greatcoastal on May 18, 2016 9:46:53 GMT -5
If there is a risk of physical retribution by a spouse, that would make a compelling case for being rather circumspect about what you say in here. (It would also make a compelling case that your spouse is a cunt, and thus a further compelling case to get out. - But over and above that, if what you write in here is factual, what is there to worry about ? Upsetting your avoidant spouse ? Would upsetting your avoidant spouse necessarily be such a bad thing ? Yep! I always say I don't have to apologize for saying the truth! Duogh!! You stole my line!! I'm going to repeat it. If what I say is the truth, I have nothing to fear. ( the truth shall set you free) Let your spouse see it. Most controllers live in a state of denial, and don't care what you feel, or say anyways. That ship sank long ago. isn't that what this issue is all about? Freedom to be yourself, by having someone who respects,admires, and cherishes you when you are at all levels. |
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2016 11:29:21 GMT -5
If I ever were, I'd just ask her what does she expect. What the worst they can do to us, cut us off until we behave? And you stole my line! I concur with the posters who feel that it might not be such a bad thing to be found out (EXCEPT, of course, for refusers who would do something dangerous or abusive.) Really: if something is hurting me badly enough that I go online and look for strangers to talk to about it - that should be a huge wakeup call to any man who wants to stay in a relationship with me. Especially since I would (and did) try to talk to him about it first, before going online with it. |
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2016 11:30:18 GMT -5
I can really understand this issue. For a long time, i worried about what might happen if my refuser found some of my posts. But now, I think that the refuser is the one who should be embarrassed and ashamed. The refuser made a covenant to sexually fulfill his/her spouse and has broken that covenant. The refuser is the one who should be ostracized.
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Post by ggold on May 18, 2016 11:42:00 GMT -5
I am discreet about going on this forum. The only way he would find out is if I left the site up and he happened to see it on the computer or on my phone. Otherwise, he'd never search out online forums, especially one for a sexless marriage! Even if he did catch me, I'd tell him the truth about why I am here and how helpful this community has been for me. This would piss him off and embarrass him, but oh well! Like flashjohn said, he broke the covenant and I am just seeking out ways to cope. |
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Post by LITW on May 18, 2016 13:58:39 GMT -5
My wife discovered my EP account a little over a year ago. She spent several days with my phone reading my posts (as well as reading all the correspondence between me and my former AP) while I was at work. Because the EP app did not display anything in chronological order, she got an inaccurate picture of what I was feeling. I fully expected her to kick me out of the house, but after some very difficult conversations, she asked me to stay and work on things. Out of a sense of loyalty, I agreed and cut things off with my AP.
Our sex life is still non-existant, and within a few months we were back to roommate status, hence my appearance here. Even so, I fear that if she found this account, she would feel doubly betrayed, and as difficult as our marriage is, I do not wish to do that to her.
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