|
|
Post by sand5280 on May 18, 2016 14:50:42 GMT -5
This is a big fear of mine. I believe that the biggest question you should ask yourself is... why living in fear in the first place? Wow, I'm considerably less spooked now that I have read all these posts, too many to tag. Above quotes: If you are in a situation of no sex in general, you came here for help and some friendship, perhaps with the intention of solving the problem. You have done nothing wrong, a sigh of relief. If your situation is like many others here, of being refused and shut down, emphasis on flashjohn The refuser is the one who should be embarrassed and ashamed. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 18, 2016 16:44:55 GMT -5
If there is a risk of physical retribution by a spouse, that would make a compelling case for being rather circumspect about what you say in here. (It would also make a compelling case that your spouse is a cunt, and thus a further compelling case to get out). - But over and above that, if what you write in here is factual, what is there to worry about ? Upsetting your avoidant spouse ? Would upsetting your avoidant spouse necessarily be such a bad thing ? The only repercussion I can think of is if your stories included tales of unauthorized rooting. That could potentially give you trouble in the event of a divorce. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 18, 2016 16:58:35 GMT -5
My husband is too engrossed in himself to find out what I'm doing. If he were to ever find out, he may say it constitutes cheating, where I'll make the argument for support group.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 18, 2016 17:08:26 GMT -5
My wife discovered my EP account a little over a year ago. She spent several days with my phone reading my posts (as well as reading all the correspondence between me and my former AP) while I was at work. Because the EP app did not display anything in chronological order, she got an inaccurate picture of what I was feeling. I fully expected her to kick me out of the house, but after some very difficult conversations, she asked me to stay and work on things. Out of a sense of loyalty, I agreed and cut things off with my AP. Our sex life is still non-existant, and within a few months we were back to roommate status, hence my appearance here. Even so, I fear that if she found this account, she would feel doubly betrayed, and as difficult as our marriage is, I do not wish to do that to her. You know what I'm going to say. In this entire post I don't see any mention of your needs, only hers. You are the one doubly betrayed. She betrayed you when she refused to have an intimate marriage, and she betrayed you again when she bait and switched you back to business as usual. |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on May 18, 2016 17:15:42 GMT -5
My husband is too engrossed in himself to find out what I'm doing. If he were to ever find out, he may say it constitutes cheating, where I'll make the argument for support group. Amen to that! That is how I explain this group to others, even my teenagers who have seen me on here. I tell them " it's a support group for people who are struggling with their marriage, and I spend a lot of my time giving helpful encouragement to others!" in fact, my therapist told me today, " your wife sees you helping other women,and talking with them, but not helping the family" Informed him, " of course I do! They don't reject, or criticize me. I have been surrounded with women all the time as a stay at home dad for 18 yrs, and a homeschooler, I had my position of provider and decision maker taken from me, I hardly see other men, what does she expect? All he could do was agree with me, and say I will point that out to her next time. |
|
|
|
Post by unmatched on May 18, 2016 17:27:14 GMT -5
I actually told my hub about ILIASM when I joined on EP and how helpful it was for me. Also that it was a public site and he was free to join in the discussions. He said he thought the group was like a bunch of alcoholics going to a bar and asking each other for advice. I told him he didn't need to understand, but he did need to respect my wish to be there. A few years later he said he had looked at the website and read some of my posts and that it was interesting. I've never heard it mentioned since. Has he never heard of AA? I am told lots of people find it quite useful... |
|
|
|
Post by itsjustus on May 18, 2016 18:15:34 GMT -5
My wife discovered my EP account a little over a year ago. She spent several days with my phone reading my posts (as well as reading all the correspondence between me and my former AP) while I was at work. Because the EP app did not display anything in chronological order, she got an inaccurate picture of what I was feeling. I fully expected her to kick me out of the house, but after some very difficult conversations, she asked me to stay and work on things. Out of a sense of loyalty, I agreed and cut things off with my AP. Our sex life is still non-existant, and within a few months we were back to roommate status, hence my appearance here. Even so, I fear that if she found this account, she would feel doubly betrayed, and as difficult as our marriage is, I do not wish to do that to her. You know what I'm going to say. In this entire post I don't see any mention of your needs, only hers. You are the one doubly betrayed. She betrayed you when she refused to have an intimate marriage, and she betrayed you again when she bait and switched you back to business as usual. @phinheasgage . You've taught me to read all the way to the last comments before saying something. I could not have said what I also saw in LITW comment better. Who doubly betrayed whom? |
|
|
|
Post by itsjustus on May 18, 2016 19:10:50 GMT -5
I actually told my hub about ILIASM when I joined on EP and how helpful it was for me. Also that it was a public site and he was free to join in the discussions. He said he thought the group was like a bunch of alcoholics going to a bar and asking each other for advice. I told him he didn't need to understand, but he did need to respect my wish to be there. A few years later he said he had looked at the website and read some of my posts and that it was interesting. I've never heard it mentioned since. Hmm..."It was interesting" Didn't that leave you with a "Aaannddd......?" moment? Like, ok, further discussion is required? I know. The answer would have probably been "And....nothing. Like I said, it was interesting. What's for dinner?" |
|
|
|
Post by itsjustus on May 18, 2016 19:35:11 GMT -5
Bullshit. Crap. Nonsense. Shit. F**king shit.
These were the words that described all of the advice I got from a lot of you who are here today, and many others at EP-ILIASM since I joined in 2013.
By my ex.
In the form of a question.
Where the hell did you hear that ________!?!?
I ended up telling mine all about EP, and ILIASM. I tried to use your words, your thoughts, to validate mine. That other people thought like I did, that our marriage was dysfunctional, and toxic to me. Or to tell her things I'd learned here that would, in my mind, be helpful in our attempt to repair our marriage....backing them up by saying (she would at times finish the sentence for me) "I read it on EP"
She was the controlling type refuser, handing out affection and intimacy as a reward, rather than a punishment. She was very stingy. Along with that control came gaslighting, a term, and concept, I'd never heard of until ILIASM. I was told things happened, that didn't. Others had, that hadn't. I'd said things, that I didn't. Or didn't say things I could have sworn I did. And that my ideas of marriage, of love and affection, intimacy and sex were, if not flat out wrong, Un-realistic. Couldn't happen in the real world.
But people had HAD that! Some of you guys had actually HAD that. And you were on EP and here, because it was GONE!! I was being told it didn't even exist. I even printed out story's and comments for her to read. They gathered dust.
In the end, it didn't matter. Any idea, any thoughts I had, were invalid, regardless of its source. The irony is, after she refused individual therapy for her issues (I thought them extreme, she called them safely bottled up) she now blames me for not seeking help for our marriage.
|
|
|
|
Post by sojourner on May 18, 2016 21:01:39 GMT -5
It took my wife three months to accept my Facebook friend request. She is not interested in anything about me, nevertheless something that exposes her inhumanity. I could give my SSN and still would not get found out.
|
|
|
|
Post by petrushka on May 18, 2016 23:03:05 GMT -5
What the angryspartan said: what can they do, cut us off?
My wife was gobsmacked when I told her that I was talking to friends about our relationship problems.
Apparently that was inconceivable to her. (so what idiot propagated the meme that women talk to their
women friends about their relationships all the time? Not her!)
Well that was it. I never heard anything more about it.
I don't hide that I am on here, she has walked into the room often enough while I was hacking away
at the keyboard, posting to this forum. She didn't ask any questions.
I reiterate: what can they do?
I know, the controllers who are more concerned with their image outside the relationship than they are
with the person they're supposedly in a relationship with - those might turn even more nasty. But, on
the other hand, aren't they soul-destroyingly nasty already?
Good god, stand up for yourself, be counted, take responsibility for your life and don't be afraid of
being caught, talking to friends about your life. Imagine how much worse off you'd be if you didn't get
this opportunity.
I know it gives me an outlet, and a bit of companionship. I don't care if anyone finds me here, I only say
what's on my mind, and I stand by that, I own it.
|
|
|
|
Post by petrushka on May 19, 2016 0:57:39 GMT -5
About three tree times, when things were really shitty (one for each 'significant other') I thought
about jumping off the balcony, driving the car over a cliff or blowing my brains out.
Twice I changed that to 'No,I'll just pack up and drive into the sunset instead'.
And each time I thought, in the end, 'hell no, I can do better than that, there may be good things
in my future yet'.
And so, instead of running away (one way or another) I made a stand.
Once you get to that point -- why on earth NOT make a stand? You have nothing to loose, and everything
to gain.
Once at that point - what do I care what the person thinks who got me to that state, what do I care
what the anonymous 'they' think.
When it comes to saving your life, saving your sanity, you just have to do what you have to do: abandon shame,
abandon guilt, abandon fear.
Banzai!
|
|
|
|
Post by petrushka on May 19, 2016 1:04:12 GMT -5
In the end, it didn't matter. Any idea, any thoughts I had, were invalid, regardless of its source. The irony is, after she refused individual therapy for her issues (I thought them extreme, she called them safely bottled up) she now blames me for not seeking help for our marriage. Oh boy, that just sucks. Nothing you can do with a self-centered, entitled blockhead like that, is there? {le sigh} Sounds about as bad as my mother, particularly after the Alzheimer's kicked in. watchword: impenetrable (which has a delicious double entendre in the context with your wife) |
|
|
|
Post by LITW on May 19, 2016 6:37:19 GMT -5
My wife discovered my EP account a little over a year ago. She spent several days with my phone reading my posts (as well as reading all the correspondence between me and my former AP) while I was at work. Because the EP app did not display anything in chronological order, she got an inaccurate picture of what I was feeling. I fully expected her to kick me out of the house, but after some very difficult conversations, she asked me to stay and work on things. Out of a sense of loyalty, I agreed and cut things off with my AP. Our sex life is still non-existant, and within a few months we were back to roommate status, hence my appearance here. Even so, I fear that if she found this account, she would feel doubly betrayed, and as difficult as our marriage is, I do not wish to do that to her. You know what I'm going to say. In this entire post I don't see any mention of your needs, only hers. You are the one doubly betrayed. She betrayed you when she refused to have an intimate marriage, and she betrayed you again when she bait and switched you back to business as usual. Its true ... all of the "intimacy" in my marriage, be it physical or emotional, is 100% about her needs. While she recognizes that I have needs, they don't seem important enough to her to do anything about them on a regular basis. She always seems to be too sick or too busy (or having an anxiety attack) to be able to meet my needs. Every couple of months she will do something really sweet for me, so I cannot say she doesn't care at all, (my reason for staying) but thats hardly enough to feel like my needs are respected. It is very frustrating!! |
|
|
|
Post by wewbwb on May 19, 2016 7:11:52 GMT -5
@litw I totally relate to this, However in my case it seems that whatever I do isn't enough. "You could have done more,You should have thought about.... You don't support me in... "  And I just stay quiet because A: it's easier B I know she's not well - I know she's in pain and part of this is her frustration |
|
