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Post by itsjustus on May 19, 2016 17:45:46 GMT -5
Amazing as it may be, neither would likely change anything. The key to marriage counseling working is both have to really want it to work and I think the majority of the time while both may go only one person truly cares about fixing the marriage. I believe marriage counseling is a waste of time and money. Totally agree. If both are not fully invested in it, it's not going to help a bit. I'd add each needs to have their own heads on straight, so they know what they want or don't want out of it. |
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2016 18:27:01 GMT -5
The key to marriage counseling working is both have to really want it to work and I think the majority of the time while both may go only one person truly cares about fixing the marriage. I believe marriage counseling is a waste of time and money. Totally agree. If both are not fully invested in it, it's not going to help a bit. I'd add each needs to have their own heads on straight, so they know what they want or don't want out of it. It's usually one person going through the motions to reset things, or one going in with the belief that the purpose of this is to fix the other. |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 19, 2016 18:48:45 GMT -5
A councilor can be just like this sight, you get backing support, conformation that your spouse is a controller , and you are not forced to have to play the victim.
My councilor did go over with me, one on one a triangle diagram of the three areas of marriage. He did say, " at first you only seemed interested in one area, later the more I get to know you and hear you I realize you are strong in all three areas,and are being deprived of them in your marriage."He later said, ".your wife has detached herself and is doing little to improve things".
That for me is very helpful,and worth going to a councilor for.
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2016 21:40:42 GMT -5
The key to marriage counseling working is both have to really want it to work and I think the majority of the time while both may go only one person truly cares about fixing the marriage. I believe marriage counseling is a waste of time and money. Yes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. I led my horse. He didn't take a sip, not a single one. In fact, he used the good Christian counselor's words "you are responsible for your own feelings" against me. When I got sad or angry about something he had said to me, he'd say "well I'm not responsible for how you feel!" Um, not exactly what the counselor meant. But OK. Moving on. |
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Post by bballgirl on May 19, 2016 22:39:48 GMT -5
The key to marriage counseling working is both have to really want it to work and I think the majority of the time while both may go only one person truly cares about fixing the marriage. I believe marriage counseling is a waste of time and money. Yes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. I led my horse. He didn't take a sip, not a single one. In fact, he used the good Christian counselor's words "you are responsible for your own feelings" against me. When I got sad or angry about something he had said to me, he'd say "well I'm not responsible for how you feel!" Um, not exactly what the counselor meant. But OK. Moving on. What a jerk! He deserved to be kicked in the balls and then told I'm not responsible for how you feel! |
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2016 22:56:01 GMT -5
Yes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. I led my horse. He didn't take a sip, not a single one. In fact, he used the good Christian counselor's words "you are responsible for your own feelings" against me. When I got sad or angry about something he had said to me, he'd say "well I'm not responsible for how you feel!" Um, not exactly what the counselor meant. But OK. Moving on. What a jerk! He deserved to be kicked in the balls and then told I'm not responsible for how you feel! Thanks, bballgirl, made me laugh out loud. And I really needed that tonight! |
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Post by unmatched on May 19, 2016 23:04:09 GMT -5
The key to marriage counseling working is both have to really want it to work and I think the majority of the time while both may go only one person truly cares about fixing the marriage. I believe marriage counseling is a waste of time and money. Yes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. I led my horse. He didn't take a sip, not a single one. In fact, he used the good Christian counselor's words "you are responsible for your own feelings" against me. When I got sad or angry about something he had said to me, he'd say "well I'm not responsible for how you feel!" Um, not exactly what the counselor meant. But OK. Moving on. I hate that! That is on a par with my wife saying, 'I am angry, I have a right to my feelings' and then getting all upset if I ever get angry back. Also, it is bullshit. When you get married you bond with the other person and your actions have a massive influence on their feelings and their lives. You have to take responsibility for that. The only way to avoid it is for both partners to detach themselves and 'unbond'. Which kills the marriage dead. |
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nahmastay
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Post by nahmastay on May 19, 2016 23:15:18 GMT -5
In fact, he used the good Christian counselor's words "you are responsible for your own feelings" against me. When I got sad or angry about something he had said to me, he'd say "well I'm not responsible for how you feel!" So sorry to hear that he lashed out at you without any real understanding about what taking ownership of our feelings really means. Clearly he doesn't comprehend that control and influence are not at all the same thing. His actions absolutely directly *influence* how you may feel about something. Holding ourselves responsible for how we react to or feel about something in no way absolves us from taking the other person’s emotions, feelings and well-being into consideration. You don't get a pass from caring about what another human being, especially your spouse,is feeling – doing so would be pure narcissism. So,so,so very sorry that he chooses not to wrap his brain around the true meaning of those words and instead his belief was used against you and not for the greater good of your relationship  |
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2016 23:17:34 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2016 9:15:14 GMT -5
The key to marriage counseling working is both have to really want it to work and I think the majority of the time while both may go only one person truly cares about fixing the marriage. I believe marriage counseling is a waste of time and money. Yes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. I led my horse. He didn't take a sip, not a single one. In fact, he used the good Christian counselor's words "you are responsible for your own feelings" against me. When I got sad or angry about something he had said to me, he'd say "well I'm not responsible for how you feel!" Um, not exactly what the counselor meant. But OK. Moving on. I know what you mean. Our last counselor told us that we should express our feelings. My refusing bitch used that as an excuse to say the most horrible, abusive things you can imagine. Then she would say that it's how she feels. The longer I am away from her the more I hate her. |
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2016 21:13:28 GMT -5
Oh dear flashjohn, that definitely isn't in the spirit of what your counselor meant! I just can't wrap my head around anyone, man or woman, who would feel the need to be so downright nasty to another human being, for any reason, let alone to someone they love or say they love. Can't we just all get along?? |
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omixochitl
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“They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.” ― Gabrielle Zevi
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Post by omixochitl on May 21, 2016 6:40:51 GMT -5
Not sure what he would think of my musings on the site. I'm starting to realize that in reality, I actually don't really know too much about him...Weird.
And, no, I wouldn't be affected by discovery. I had a post to another forum on my desktop that explained some of my frustrations and experiences. He read it, copied it and brought it to his therapist. Without telling me. (I just found this out a few days ago, though it had been on there for about 6 months and it happened months ago). He told me that she was deeply saddened by what I had written and was commiserating with me. I asked him if he had expected a different outcome when he showed it to her (I called him Passive Aggressive in it). He said No but I don't believe this.
The very sad thing is that I think HE believes that he didn't expect an outcome that supported his position. Denial, denial and denial. It starts deep within the denier and the first to experience the denial is the denier himself.
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Post by itsjustus on May 23, 2016 14:12:58 GMT -5
Not sure what he would think of my musings on the site. I'm starting to realize that in reality, I actually don't really know too much about him...Weird. And, no, I wouldn't be affected by discovery. I had a post to another forum on my desktop that explained some of my frustrations and experiences. He read it, copied it and brought it to his therapist. Without telling me. (I just found this out a few days ago, though it had been on there for about 6 months and it happened months ago). He told me that she was deeply saddened by what I had written and was commiserating with me. I asked him if he had expected a different outcome when he showed it to her (I called him Passive Aggressive in it). He said No but I don't believe this. The very sad thing is that I think HE believes that he didn't expect an outcome that supported his position. Denial, denial and denial. It starts deep within the denier and the first to experience the denial is the denier himself. This amazes me. He found and read a post of yours that explained some of your frustrations and experiences, and didn't think to discuss it with you. Ok...he doesn't care. But then....he took it to his therapist, whom I would assume he goes to because he trusts that therapists opinions and advice, yet when she was saddened and commiserating it didn't make him wonder if he should in fact, believe what you wrote? It *is* a very sad thing that he knows he's alone is his thinking, and choses to do nothing about it.
(I understand what you say about starting to realize that you really don't know too much about him. The more I looked, the less I found I knew...weird, indeed)
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Post by Pinkberry on May 27, 2016 2:02:36 GMT -5
I had a big fear of being found out, like most all of us. But, I created a whole separate online identity to use on EP. I didn't use this username elsewhere. I never revealed my real name except in private to a select few members. I didn't mention where I lived or what I did for a living.
I was afraid that the refuser would use it all against me, especially the desire to have an affair. In truth, I should have been worried about what else he would do. Not all refusers are the same, but in my experience and in the experiences of many of the wonderful folks I have met on here, refusers will undoubtedly use finances and your own children as weapons, even if it hurts the refuser's own finances to do so or even if it hurts the children. Do be cautious until you have a plan and are certain of your legal position under the advice of a good attorney.
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