Getting found out on here

May 19, 2016 15:30:50 GMT -5 @elle said:

May 19, 2016 8:28:33 GMT -5 itsjustus said:

I sat with her, on the edge of our bed ironically, and thru both our tears told her that she had many, many, hard impenetrable shells that surrounded her true inner woman. And while I considered that I of all people in her life got thru the most of those shells, I still felt many layers away from the real "her". I had never seen, and would never truly see, the soft, vulnerable woman that was at the core of who she was. I would never be able to get lost in her.

And I needed that. As a man, as her husband, as her spouse. Because that is what I offered her. That is what I naively had given her from the first day 32 years before, trusting her to give back to me as well. She abused my open heart, while guarding hers. Yes, it was beyond sad that because of her past, she didn't know how to trust me enough to open her heart fully, drop all of the layers. But her refusal to get help to learn how to trust me, killed every vestige of my trust, and love, in her.

I now had to guard my heart. I could no longer have her sit safe and protected from the world and feeling loved, in my heart, while I stood unprotected outside the layers of hers. I wasn't married, I was being used.

It was over. 

itsjustus , we are going to have to stop making each other cry.     Your words are exactly my story, just flip the genders.  I can't even articulate how much he's hurt me and destroyed my trust in him (in men, in love) over the years.  I would open myself to him, drop all my armor (your metaphor from another post), he would hear me (not listen - because that's an entirely different construct), and later.... he would use it all against me.  I think there is a term for that, but I can't think of it right now.  He would, quite literally, allow me to cry on his shoulder only later to say something along the lines of "and all you did was sit there crying!".  Ouch, and that's putting it mildly.  Needless to say, I had to quit sharing my inner life with him.  It just hurt me too deeply.

And the impenetrable shells.  I can count on one finger - and I am not exaggerating - the times my husband has ever said he was sad.  ONCE.  And he wouldn't tell me why until a couple of days later.  And, when he did, he did it with (very rare) tears in his eyes which I now believe were a ploy to reel me back in during a time when I had retreated from him.  Because quite literally, days later, he was at it again with his defensive, argumentative, punitive, and distant manner.

The more I "talk" about it, the more I begin to see the narcissistic tendencies in my husband.  Maybe your ex as well?  The end of my marriage is going to come down to a version of your bolded words above: his refusal to get help for his psychological issues and alcohol abuse are killing/have killed my trust, respect, and love for him.

Sadly, I have given him so many chances to change, to work with me, to grow.  I have talked until I am blue in the face.  It is a language he does not speak and refuses to learn.  In the past, I would have taken any crumbs he would have thrown me - so long as they were sustained.  A 5-minute debriefing every night?  Would have loved it.  He did it for about a week.  More sex?  Absolutely.  We may have had a few weeks in a row - woohoo.  A monthly date?  Yep, he did that for 2 whole months. 

As the insults and injuries have added up and the damage to the marriage and to my self-esteem have become compounded, the stakes have only risen for him.  And now, in order to keep me, the mountain he would have to climb to once again prove his love and win my trust, is taller than Mount Everest.  When I am honest with myself and when my eyes are wide open, and when I am not in my fearful place, I know it shall never happen.  And now, I am crying again!  Off to read something from the lighter side...

@elle Oh sweetheart.....we are going to make each other cry a river of tears if we don't stop.   Thinking of someone as sweet and kind as I've seen in your story's having her trust in men...and love destroyed....I've no words to express how sad that makes me. I know that fearful place. That makes me cry too. Now you find you have to wear that metaphorical armor...full time...all the time...especially to protect yourself from the one person you should be able to take it off for, every day, every night. You're guarding your heart, from your husband. We know that's not right. And after all you've done, all the chances you've given him, more accurately, all chances you've taken with your heart, grabbing for crumbs thrown your way, needs to be in the past. As it was for me. When I was honest with myself. When my eyes were wide open. It was for me.

That mountain? The one you say is now taller than Mount Everest? For me, it turned out to be Mount Resentment. Even though I knew better, and tried so hard not to, that is what killed my trust, respect, and love for her. I couldn't get past the resentment. I didn't care enough, or love her enough, anymore, to try. I looked down at her from the top of that mountain, shook off my armor and holding it in my hands, walked down the other side. I still cry at times from the relief... I'll meet you over on the lighter side forum....

You know? I keep worrying that I'm hijacking this thread a little, not really adding to the discussion of getting caught on here by a refusing spouse. But what if.... what if mine had read all this. What if @elle leaves her phone laying open and her H see's what she wrote. Shouldn't he think to himself, holy shit! She's serious! I need to get my shit together. (For the record, I doubt he would) He'd certainly see how sad she is, how hurt she is, in black and white. And how we all feel about it.

Think of this. One on the biggest benefits of two people going to a therapist at the same time, is for one to talk directly to the therapist (a third party) about an issue, while the other listens, not allowed to say anything. Advantage one: The person speaking is talking to essentially a stranger, so the verbiage is more...polite, better framed, with more thought, more outlined as an issue, not an argument. Advantage two. The one listening...has to. They can't interrupt or interject or re-direct. They have to hear the whole piece. They also are hearing the issue better framed, with more thought, in more polite terms than at home I'm sure. Then they hear that  therapist's (third party's) positive takeaway's (therapist always have positive takeaways...) and critiques.

Is that so different than them reading their spouses story's here? Just wondering.......