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Post by bballgirl on May 18, 2016 7:54:37 GMT -5
Definitely a mind fuck - but not sure if I would call it that based on the hotel or the past SM feelings... You like this guy. One date. My gut tells me you do need to get to know him a little better before the sex. I know - this sounds prudish, but hear me out - a FWB is for fucking - I mean, have at it without abandon! A date is getting to know someone on all levels for a bit to see if you fit. Not sure the time limit I would put on that, but second date just feels too fast to me. But... WTAF on the hotel suggestion? Maybe he wants to round some bases with Bballgirl and tease her. JMX, you're SPOT ON with this response. Most stuff I write here is total goofball monkey business. I think saying things like "I'll fuck the homogenizer out of you" is funny. Heck, I laughed when I wrote that. But the real truth of the matter is real relationship does have a foundation, and sex is not that foundation. It's the very special and unique component of one very specific relationship. I often wonder if sex isn't the relationship component that I got out of order that led me to this mess I'm in. Actually, I don't wonder, I know it is. When I'm fucking, I'm not thinking. If bballgirl were my sister, my real counsel would be to see if you can't get to know this guy and have real fun with normal local date activities. I think those less threatening, less sexy conditions are more conducive to thought and communication. I'll say something else: I would be more apt to trust a well reasoned explanation of a person's thoughts and expectations of sex in a relationship than infer them from how well and how often they perform in bed. If I were to list the effects of the sexless marriage mind fuck, the first item on that list would be total over emphasis and obsession over sex. I wasn't like this when I was single. Back to the homogenizer. Gotta make the Duck Butts. Thanks for expanding on JMX's spot on response. I definitely think I have that obsessing about sex mind fuck going on. Yes a real relationship is not built on sex and with my ex we hopped in the sack after two or three dates and look where that got me. I know for sure I have learned from my marriage to recognize what I don't want and I learned about myself as well to realize when my mind is obsessing. Really it's just one step at a time and the fact that he wants to go slow is probably normal and a good thing. |
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Post by wewbwb on May 18, 2016 8:01:02 GMT -5
bballgirl - JMX @creelunion are (not surprisingly) correct (IMHO) To me it seems like he partly wants to play the gentleman BUT just in case "hey here's a hotel room if your interested" Cake and eat it too. Be careful - plenty of things to do on a date that do not involve hotel rooms.
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Post by bballgirl on May 18, 2016 8:01:54 GMT -5
That's it he wants to play some fun games. Strip poker type stuff. We'll do oral but he want to take it slow. I've been texting him while everyone is responding. I asked him why he wants to go slow. He said he really likes me and that's why. Time will tell. We do have a lot in common and you're right it's not a FWB situation. No....wait.....what!?!? I'm lost here... He wants to take you to a hotel, to play strip poker, and have oral sex with you. For the second date......And you agreed. This is not a judgment. This is me not knowing such things were possible!!!! Omg!! I've got to get my profile up on OKCupid....tonight!!!
(I like his answer by the way. And that you asked...Good luck with it though....I'm not sure I could behave) Thanks for your response no judgment taken. I liked his response too and I'm not afraid to asking leading questions in order to communicate about what's important. I have to let this play out to see where it goes because I like this man, he likes me, we have a lot in common and yes I need to explore if we are sexually compatible. |
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Post by bballgirl on May 18, 2016 8:07:55 GMT -5
"What if he just wants companionship and not crazy hot sex? What if this and what if that?" - These are theoretical questions at the moment. - After (and "if") you see the bloke, then you'll have some answers. And "if" it turns out he's avoidant, you know *now* what you'll need to do *then*. Very logical thank you for responding. Yes I need to let this just play out but not for too long. I have the tools to recognize avoidant behavior. So far on date one he initiated kissing me. It literally got very steamy in his car, definite chemistry,we got to second base but didn't go further but talked about it the next day that he wanted to go further. My gut tells me right now that he's being cautious because he likes me. |
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Post by itsjustus on May 18, 2016 8:11:41 GMT -5
No....wait.....what!?!? I'm lost here... He wants to take you to a hotel, to play strip poker, and have oral sex with you. For the second date......And you agreed. This is not a judgment. This is me not knowing such things were possible!!!! Omg!! I've got to get my profile up on OKCupid....tonight!!!
(I like his answer by the way. And that you asked...Good luck with it though....I'm not sure I could behave) Thanks for your response no judgment taken. I liked his response too and I'm not afraid to asking leading questions in order to communicate about what's important. I have to let this play out to see where it goes because I like this man, he likes me, we have a lot in common and yes I need to explore if we are sexually compatible. I love it!! You not being afraid to ask leading questions! Hey, we all got burned, bad, for not doing that before. At least I did. I would love to meet people so forthright. I'm going to have to figure out how to do the same, without coming off as a creepy guy, but I think one of the other guys had it dead on by saying intimacy was important to him right in his profile. This really sounds good, and exciting for you. I'm happy for you!!! (And envious!!) |
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Post by samedeepwater on May 18, 2016 8:13:14 GMT -5
but then WHY a hotel? Other woman is my thinking. Why not his place? Or a late night but without overnight. As you say though - this is probably due to our SM mindfuck - - I really don't know what is "normal" dating at all. Hey GG. |
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Post by deborahmanning on May 18, 2016 8:23:59 GMT -5
Well, he wasn't my boyfriend for long. It was only a freshman-year-of-college fling, that didn't go as far as I wanted. Once I found out he was gay, the "let's stop short of the Main Event" made a bit more sense. But there could be other reasons for holding off and I assume that's the case in Bballgirl's situation. I want to hear how this date goes!
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Post by bballgirl on May 18, 2016 8:42:33 GMT -5
Thanks for your response no judgment taken. I liked his response too and I'm not afraid to asking leading questions in order to communicate about what's important. I have to let this play out to see where it goes because I like this man, he likes me, we have a lot in common and yes I need to explore if we are sexually compatible. I love it!! You not being afraid to ask leading questions! Hey, we all got burned, bad, for not doing that before. At least I did. I would love to meet people so forthright. I'm going to have to figure out how to do the same, without coming off as a creepy guy, but I think one of the other guys had it dead on by saying intimacy was important to him right in his profile. This really sounds good, and exciting for you. I'm happy for you!!! (And envious!!) The creepy guy thing also applies to women as far as not coming off as slutty girl. It really is a fine line and yes we got burned. If I learned nothing else from my failed marriage it's if something is bothering someone or if expectations aren't being met then one must speak up. I accept responsibility for enabling my refuser. Never again! |
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Post by bballgirl on May 18, 2016 8:43:24 GMT -5
Well, he wasn't my boyfriend for long. It was only a freshman-year-of-college fling, that didn't go as far as I wanted. Once I found out he was gay, the "let's stop short of the Main Event" made a bit more sense. But there could be other reasons for holding off and I assume that's the case in Bballgirl's situation. I want to hear how this date goes! Me too honey! I'm dying to know!! |
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2016 11:51:16 GMT -5
Okay, I don't want to get off topic at all here, so I hope this is a good question. At our age, with our past, how SAFE do you feel being alone with someone in a hotel room? THIS. He doesn't want to rush right into sex. OK. Some people don't. But to echo other posters, if he wanted to get physical with you, wouldn't it be easier to either go to your place or go to his place? Why pay for a hotel room? Maybe I watch too much stuff like Criminal Minds, Law & Order SVU, CSI, etc., but I see red flags here. Does he also drive a very plain van with no windows? /snark |
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Post by bballgirl on May 18, 2016 13:21:47 GMT -5
Okay, I don't want to get off topic at all here, so I hope this is a good question. At our age, with our past, how SAFE do you feel being alone with someone in a hotel room? THIS. He doesn't want to rush right into sex. OK. Some people don't. But to echo other posters, if he wanted to get physical with you, wouldn't it be easier to either go to your place or go to his place? Why pay for a hotel room? Maybe I watch too much stuff like Criminal Minds, Law & Order SVU, CSI, etc., but I see red flags here. Does he also drive a very plain van with no windows? /snark Yes I understand this day in age and safety and everything else. I'm pretty straight up once it get to the point of being alone and not in public. I have a contact in law enforcement and I either get their tag when I meet them or I tell them if you want to be alone with me then text me your tag number. My contact runs their tag and I can see if their is any criminal activity. Also by their job and the number of years of service you can tell and get a vibe. So between running their tag and letting them know that "I just got a text from my sister and she said to have a good time, I told her all about you and if I turn up missing or dead they're coming after your ass". One of the men I went on two dates with was a cop and I told him all of this. He was a little insulted and said it's like I'm accusing him of being a killer but I didn't care. Turned out he was married so there was no third date. |
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Post by dancingbear70 on May 18, 2016 15:36:49 GMT -5
bballgirl - You have received good advice from the group as usual, but I'd like to chime in from a man's perspective. Well this man's. You are dating. Go on dates! You have to experience a level of interaction and enjoyment in public. Have him pick you up. Open doors. Buy you dinner. Takes romantic walks. Kiss. Grope. And canoodle. But make them dates! Then if at the end of the night you wish to invite him in, do it. On your terms. Inspired by the time you've had together. That's how it's supposed to work. Do not plan a hotel night of strip poker and blow jobs. Forgive the bluntness, but no matter how he puts it, that's what I've heard you say is the conversation. Maybe he is a creep. Maybe he is just awkward dating at middle age. I wouldn't judge him on the request yet. Just don't accommodate behavior that doesn't respect you and the time honored process. No matter how much you want to jump his bones.
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2016 15:48:04 GMT -5
I agree. If he doesn't want to fuck, he is the wrong guy. You already had one of those.
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2016 15:51:24 GMT -5
Bballgirl, I think if you want some, you'll get some. Hard to read this one. Is he acting this way so you will make the first move? That sex is what you want? Or does he have some personal issues? One of my best friends is a female who I have a strictly platonic relationship with, but we tell each other everything. She is drop-dead gorgeous, but has has dated two men who never made the move on her. Turns out, both men had some serious issues. Good news is, that you will probably find out enough to know if you want a third date. I have a platonic drop dead gorgeous female friend I tell everything to also. That's really nice to have. |
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Post by obobfla on May 18, 2016 16:02:09 GMT -5
I have a platonic drop dead gorgeous female friend I tell everything to also. That's really nice to have. Yes, we know each too well to get involved with each other. If we did, it would ruin our entire relationship. Plus, she knows my wife and is aware of her problems. Most of my best friends have been attractive women. It helps a lot to have a good platonic friend of the opposite sex, and it is worth all the sexual frustration you may experience. |
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