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Post by h on Oct 4, 2017 13:49:08 GMT -5
Any of a long list of body image issues.(her own issues with herself, I have no problem with her physical attributes)
Too tired
You take too long to finish
On her period
Too much work to do
The house is a mess
The dishes need to be done
W goes to sleep with no hint but tells me the next morning that she was in the mood last night.
Intercourse is painful (but refuses to ask her doctor about it or participate in alternative activities)
Refuses to give oral because of gag reflex and... it's icky and gross.
She's just not a sexual person...
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Post by Deleted on Oct 4, 2017 13:53:48 GMT -5
You are not nice enough.
You bought yourself something.
You did not wear what I wanted you to wear.
You did not take out the trash as quickly as I wanted.
You are selfish.
You did not ask nicely.
The last time we had sex, you did not appreciate it enough.
You watched TV after we had sex and I was asleep.
You don't make enough money.
You didn't buy me the house that I wanted.
I can't afford the furniture I want.
You take too long to orgasm.
Those are just things my refuser said to me. I tried to resolve all of them at one time or another.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 4, 2017 14:49:37 GMT -5
I have ED and I feel like less than a man if I use only my mouth and hands, so I will use nothing. I must truly suck in bed. ... Holy cow, that first one is painful. How many medical excuses have we heard where they just totally shut down. I'm sure I'm not the only one that has searched endlessly for that new technique that will blow their mind, only, it never does. |
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Post by shamwow on Oct 4, 2017 14:50:41 GMT -5
You are not nice enough. You bought yourself something. You did not wear what I wanted you to wear. You did not take out the trash as quickly as I wanted. You are selfish. You did not ask nicely. The last time we had sex, you did not appreciate it enough. You watched TV after we had sex and I was asleep. You don't make enough money. You didn't buy me the house that I wanted. I can't afford the furniture I want. You take too long to orgasm. Those are just things my refuser said to me. I tried to resolve all of them at one time or another. She was brash enough to say no sex because you didn't make enough money or buy her house / things? Damn, that's pretty fucked up. Guess she'll have the opportunity to buy her own house and furniture pretty soon. |
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Post by DryCreek on Oct 4, 2017 14:55:35 GMT -5
Kid stresses. One of the kids pissed her off today. That last one is particularly interesting. For most human beings, getting laid is a huge stress reliever. Well, yes, that's true for many of us. Late-in-life revelation for me... some people just don't like sex or intimacy. Not something I ever dreamed possible. It just doesn't push their buttons. There's no psychological arousal, physical climax, or emotional + chemical high. And in the context of "it's not something I enjoy", well, it doesn't give them any relief, it only adds to their task list. In that context, I wouldn't be too interested either, so I can't fault them. The mistake that leads to a lifetime of why-chasing is believing that, deep down, they're actually as sexual as we are. If only they would stop suppressing it, they could experience the same kind of indulgence and euphoria. They show us who they are, but we insist on believing a fantasy instead. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 4, 2017 15:35:07 GMT -5
You are not nice enough. You bought yourself something. You did not wear what I wanted you to wear. You did not take out the trash as quickly as I wanted. You are selfish. You did not ask nicely. The last time we had sex, you did not appreciate it enough. You watched TV after we had sex and I was asleep. You don't make enough money. You didn't buy me the house that I wanted. I can't afford the furniture I want. You take too long to orgasm. Those are just things my refuser said to me. I tried to resolve all of them at one time or another. She was brash enough to say no sex because you didn't make enough money or buy her house / things? Damn, that's pretty fucked up. Guess she'll have the opportunity to buy her own house and furniture pretty soon. Yeah Shammy, she was that brash. Because of the way she is, I felt I had to stay to run interference for the girls. If I had not been there, she would have given them no freedom whatsoever. I lost a huge part of my life, however, and I still have to mourn that. |
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Post by shamwow on Oct 4, 2017 16:05:40 GMT -5
That last one is particularly interesting. For most human beings, getting laid is a huge stress reliever. Well, yes, that's true for many of us. Late-in-life revelation for me... some people just don't like sex or intimacy. Not something I ever dreamed possible. It just doesn't push their buttons. There's no psychological arousal, physical climax, or emotional + chemical high. And in the context of "it's not something I enjoy", well, it doesn't give them any relief, it only adds to their task list. In that context, I wouldn't be too interested either, so I can't fault them. The mistake that leads to a lifetime of why-chasing is believing that, deep down, they're actually as sexual as we are. If only they would stop suppressing it, they could experience the same kind of indulgence and euphoria. They show us who they are, but we insist on believing a fantasy instead. Same revelation for me. In the end, I think that my ex-wife is probably simply asexual. She wanted an ala carte selection of perks from marriage. That would have worked fine if she hadn't married someone who was ordering from the menu as printed. My son had a football game last night and I saw her across the stands. I think that unless she develops the self awareness that she is asexual, she will wind up alone at best, or at worst repeating the same experience with husband number two. For her sake, I hope she comes to grip with her nature and finds someone else more compatible. |
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Post by h on Oct 4, 2017 16:10:11 GMT -5
She was brash enough to say no sex because you didn't make enough money or buy her house / things? Damn, that's pretty fucked up. Guess she'll have the opportunity to buy her own house and furniture pretty soon. Yeah Shammy, she was that brash. Because of the way she is, I felt I had to stay to run interference for the girls. If I had not been there, she would have given them no freedom whatsoever. I lost a huge part of my life, however, and I still have to mourn that. When I first read that insufficient money was a reason for denying sex, I thought "Wow, she's admitting to being a prostitute!" |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 4, 2017 16:21:36 GMT -5
Yeah Shammy, she was that brash. Because of the way she is, I felt I had to stay to run interference for the girls. If I had not been there, she would have given them no freedom whatsoever. I lost a huge part of my life, however, and I still have to mourn that. When I first read that insufficient money was a reason for denying sex, I thought "Wow, she's admitting to being a prostitute!" H, when she said it to me, I thought exactly the same thing. Of course, she didn't see it that way at all. |
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Post by darktippedrose on Oct 4, 2017 16:24:13 GMT -5
are these reasons in our heads, or what our refusers say?
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Post by rejected101 on Oct 4, 2017 17:29:22 GMT -5
Hey all, ballofconfusion and I are working on a side project that will become apparent in the next few months, and need your help. I'm trying to assemble an all-inclusive list of "why chasing". Basically, every possible reason we have used to explain away why our partner won't have sex with us. For example: - I am unattractive - I want sex too early in the evening - I want sex too late in the evening - My partner has a medical condition (some specific examples here would be awesome) that prevents sex Hell, you guys get the picture. We all live(d) this shit every day for months / years on end. Again, thanks for your help! Shammy I’m not attractive I’m not exciting enough I’m not romantic enough It’s too late at night It’s too early in the evening She’s stressed She’s pre occupied with the children She’s just had a bath and is all nice and clean She hasn’t had a bath and isn’t clean She’s too drunk She needs a drink to unwind I’m terrible in bed She lacks sexual confidence She is body conscious I’m good in bed and she is satisfied for some time I’m not clean We only had sex a couple of weeks a go She’s used all her drive up on masturbation She doesn’t masturbate enough and loses interest in sex She’s gay She’s asexual She’s having an affair She thinks I’m having an affair She wants to control our relationship She wants me to take control. I think this game would be better if completed a list of reasons we have been turned down with |
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Post by shamwow on Oct 4, 2017 18:45:15 GMT -5
are these reasons in our heads, or what our refusers say? Excellent question. I'm looking for BOTH. |
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Post by shamwow on Oct 4, 2017 18:45:50 GMT -5
When I first read that insufficient money was a reason for denying sex, I thought "Wow, she's admitting to being a prostitute!" H, when she said it to me, I thought exactly the same thing. Of course, she didn't see it that way at all. Well now that we know what she is did she name her price? |
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Post by shamwow on Oct 4, 2017 18:49:45 GMT -5
Hey all, ballofconfusion and I are working on a side project that will become apparent in the next few months, and need your help. I'm trying to assemble an all-inclusive list of "why chasing". Basically, every possible reason we have used to explain away why our partner won't have sex with us. For example: - I am unattractive - I want sex too early in the evening - I want sex too late in the evening - My partner has a medical condition (some specific examples here would be awesome) that prevents sex Hell, you guys get the picture. We all live(d) this shit every day for months / years on end. Again, thanks for your help! Shammy I’m not attractive I’m not exciting enough I’m not romantic enough It’s too late at night It’s too early in the evening She’s stressed She’s pre occupied with the children She’s just had a bath and is all nice and clean She hasn’t had a bath and isn’t clean She’s too drunk She needs a drink to unwind I’m terrible in bed She lacks sexual confidence She is body conscious I’m good in bed and she is satisfied for some time I’m not clean We only had sex a couple of weeks a go She’s used all her drive up on masturbation She doesn’t masturbate enough and loses interest in sex She’s gay She’s asexual She’s having an affair She thinks I’m having an affair She wants to control our relationship She wants me to take control. I think this game would be better if completed a list of reasons we have been turned down with It's amazing how many of these are damned if you do damned if you don't. My ex used both its too late and it's too early like crazy but when I adjusted my bedtime she adjusted hers. And Im looking for reasons you've thought as well as ones your partner has said. |
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Post by tirefire on Oct 4, 2017 19:03:59 GMT -5
Kids are at home (yeah, they have to both be out of the house at the same time and we have no family in town)
We haven't had sex for so long that can't just jump in and have sex (??)
We don't have enough time (min 1.5 hours because bath both before and after even if just had bath a few hours earlier, time to have a few drinks, get everything just right with no lights, radio on...)
Tired (because stays up late watching tv every night)
This next one is in its own category: Have to keep hitting reset during foreplay to talk some more. About anything. About nothing. Have to find something to talk about but must stop to talk. After several cycles of on/off, Mr. Happy gives up, leaves and won't come back. Net effect is no sex and incredible frustration. Don't get me wrong. I love to talk and chat. But when sexy time starts, I'm done talking about artists from the 80s or recent events, or whatever else. I am told that it is normal to repeatedly stop foreplay and talk some more. Arghhh .
The irony is that we have no real communication about real issues but that is for another post. The other irony is that I love foreplay.
Anyone else suffer anything similar?
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