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Post by DryCreek on Nov 2, 2017 20:09:40 GMT -5
tamara68, it's a sad reflection on society that placement with her other parent isn't the default... there is a growing trend toward parents being viewed as merely custodians of their children, while the state has priority.
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Post by baza on Nov 2, 2017 20:22:30 GMT -5
There might be a brighter side to this Sister tamara68 . That being that if the authorities can (and do) place her in care "somewhere else", that "somewhere else" would be a far less poisonous environment than being with her idiot father. At the very least it would break the cycle and provide an opportunity for your daughter to start anew. Whether she took that opportunity is another matter entirely of course - but she "might". |
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Post by DryCreek on Nov 2, 2017 22:07:09 GMT -5
True, baza. And that would at least afford the prospect of tamara68 being allowed to visit her daughter, where she can't now. |
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Post by TMD on Nov 2, 2017 23:34:52 GMT -5
I’m going to be optimistic that this is a step towards a reunion for the both of you. Either way, it’s a development. Though I agree with DryCreek; you should be the default “placement.” |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 3, 2017 7:35:27 GMT -5
tamara68 - I am glad to hear that child services hasn’t given up on her case. And I wonder if because of two different countries is why they say maybe a foster family- which could keep her in the school she’s at, the school who is trying to gain idiot-father’s compliance. I agree that getting her out of his immediate orbit would (could) give her some space away from his toxicity to figure out what she wants. And it feels like they do understand she is young enough to be unduly manipulated by his presence even while so near the verge of being “adult enough” to claim her own independence. I know that they mean for the best outcome for her. I hope the same, too. Sending positive vibes for you & daughter. There is no reason to suspect the Ex will suddenly comply, so I hope for you & her to have resilience through this process & not let it dampen either of your spirits.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 3, 2017 11:54:48 GMT -5
let me start by saying," sorry to be downer". Instead I want this to be a word of CAUTION. My experience, here in America,19 yrs ago with DSS (Department of Social Services) was a nightmare.
We discovered that truth and facts are highly irrelevant when you are dealing with an organization that has been given way to much power, authority and control. Too much revolves around money. Each case becomes just a number. Another statistic used in continuing gov't funding, and people keeping their gov't. jobs.
Follow up on your case worker as much as possible. Try to find out if you have a good one. One who truly is looking out for your interest and your daughters. If you discover they are doing nothing or whatever ways they screw up, call their supervisor, report them and cross your fingers. Make regular phone calls and emails requiring an update on your daughter, along with reporting how ready you are to house, educate, feed, provide transportation, and support for your daughter.
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Post by tamara68 on Nov 3, 2017 17:50:37 GMT -5
let me start by saying," sorry to be downer". Instead I want this to be a word of CAUTION. My experience, here in America,19 yrs ago with DSS (Department of Social Services) was a nightmare. We discovered that truth and facts are highly irrelevant when you are dealing with an organization that has been given way to much power, authority and control. Too much revolves around money. Each case becomes just a number. Another statistic used in continuing gov't funding, and people keeping their gov't. jobs. Follow up on your case worker as much as possible. Try to find out if you have a good one. One who truly is looking out for your interest and your daughters. If you discover they are doing nothing or whatever ways they screw up, call their supervisor, report them and cross your fingers. Make regular phone calls and emails requiring an update on your daughter, along with reporting how ready you are to house, educate, feed, provide transportation, and support for your daughter. In the Netherlands it is the same. There have been a lot of issues with child services, there is a lot of criticism and bad experiences. Files are disasters, children who need help the most are neglected and those who don't need it are suffocated in the system. I am sceptic but I do not have any other options than to trust them for doing work in the interest of my daughter. Their power is huge, but strangely enough they seem powerless at the moment it is needed. |
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Post by tamara68 on Nov 3, 2017 18:06:04 GMT -5
greatcoastal, DryCreek, TMD, GeekGoddess, So far all the professionals I have spoken with in the past year, gave the impression they were in my favor. At least it is obvious to them that my ex is not creating a good environment for my daughter. I don't think I get full support from the child services, because I have enabled my ex for so long. He limited my daughter (and me) and I have tolerated that because I didn't manage to change it or to leave him earlier. DryCreek, you are right that the state views parents as custodians. In the Netherlands it has even come so far that teachers of primary schools have the final say in to which secondary school a child should go. Not the parents have the last word. I try to be optimistic, success is not guaranteed but it is a development with at least a chance of success. GeekGoddess, If they would place my daughter in a foster family, it is almost 100% certain that they won't keep her in the same school. The standard procedure in the Netherlands is that children are kept far away from their own parents. Not much chance that my ex will comply. Unless he suddenly sees the light.
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Post by hopingforachange on Nov 3, 2017 18:37:19 GMT -5
greatcoastal, DryCreek, TMD, GeekGoddess, So far all the professionals I have spoken with in the past year, gave the impression they were in my favor. At least it is obvious to them that my ex is not creating a good environment for my daughter. I don't think I get full support from the child services, because I have enabled my ex for so long. He limited my daughter (and me) and I have tolerated that because I didn't manage to change it or to leave him earlier. DryCreek, you are right that the state views parents as custodians. In the Netherlands it has even come so far that teachers of primary schools have the final say in to which secondary school a child should go. Not the parents have the last word. I try to be optimistic, success is not guaranteed but it is a development with at least a chance of success. GeekGoddess, If they would place my daughter in a foster family, it is almost 100% certain that they won't keep her in the same school. The standard procedure in the Netherlands is that children are kept far away from their own parents. Not much chance that my ex will comply. Unless he suddenly sees the light. Would going to a codependent anonymous group help your standing with getting your daughter back. Since it would show your taking steps to prevent it from happening again. |
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Post by tamara68 on Nov 12, 2017 4:06:59 GMT -5
hopingforachange I don't know if that would help. But they do know that I am doing a lot to improve my life.
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Post by tamara68 on Nov 12, 2017 4:15:33 GMT -5
I have spoken with child services again. I have been advised to make a formal request at court to get my daughter living with me when child services starts a procedure at court to get my daughter away from her dad.
So I have contacted my lawyer about it. I will need a Dutch lawyer too, to work together with my Belgian one. This request itself shouldn't be a lot of work. But the costs are high. So that worries me obviously. Finances are hard to predict. My savings could be exactly enough to cover the costs, or I could get a debt. I hope it won't be too bad in the end. And I hope it will go well with my daughter. Time is running out, and I am worried about what the stress is doing to my daughter and her dad.
He has stated that if I send anything by post, he will throw it away. I am afraid that that applies to cards or presents for my daughter as well. And she doesn't respond to email. I have asked school if I could send cards to her at the school address. But they don't want that to avoid being part of the conflict between her parents. They also dont want child services to talk with her at school.
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Post by h on Nov 12, 2017 6:57:53 GMT -5
I have spoken with child services again. I have been advised to make a formal request at court to get my daughter living with me when child services starts a procedure at court to get my daughter away from her dad. So I have contacted my lawyer about it. I will need a Dutch lawyer too, to work together with my Belgian one. This request itself shouldn't be a lot of work. But the costs are high. So that worries me obviously. Finances are hard to predict. My savings could be exactly enough to cover the costs, or I could get a debt. I hope it won't be too bad in the end. And I hope it will go well with my daughter. Time is running out, and I am worried about what the stress is doing to my daughter and her dad. He has stated that if I send anything by post, he will throw it away. I am afraid that that applies to cards or presents for my daughter as well. And she doesn't respond to email. I have asked school if I could send cards to her at the school address. But they don't want that to avoid being part of the conflict between her parents. They also dont want child services to talk with her at school. That's very strange. I admit I only have experience with the American school system, but school is the one place where child services frequently tries to talk to children because it's the one place where they can guarantee that the child will be so they don't have to search for them. Schools always cooperate with them because it's in the child's best interest and often, abusive parents will hide their children by just simply not being home. Also, if there's no legal reason that a parent doesn't have access (no restraining orders, no alleged abuse, nothing on paper to warrant denying access) many school guidance counselors are happy to give children mail from a parent if the child can't get it at home. It's done discreetly to protect the child's privacy and not draw attention to a rough home life. Some parents even visit their children at the school if the other parent is denying access without reason. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 12, 2017 10:53:38 GMT -5
As negative as things sound about your ex's strong uncooperative behavior,the positive is how it strengthens your case and is in your favor. Something we knew all along. Sadly it takes major events for change to happen.
Kind of like a dangerous intersection, and how many people will have to die before the gov't does something about it.
Have you had contact with the case worker? I hope they will get just as frustrated as you did and can force some action. Keep us posted!
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Post by hopingforachange on Nov 12, 2017 11:04:17 GMT -5
tamara68Could you send any mail recipient signature required. So the mail person is required to have your daughters signature to deliver the mail? Your husband would not be able to sign for it, only your daughter.
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Post by tamara68 on Nov 12, 2017 13:02:19 GMT -5
tamara68 Could you send any mail recipient signature required. So the mail person is required to have your daughters signature to deliver the mail? Your husband would not be able to sign for it, only your daughter. My ex simply doesn't open the door. And if a note is left about a letter to be picked up at the post office, he ignores it and he will instruct my daughter to do the same. |
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