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Post by tamara68 on Sept 20, 2017 13:39:34 GMT -5
I have received a message from my daughters' school, they have written to my stbx that he is obstructing his daughters education by causing a delay in ordering her books and not being willing to come to school to speak about it. Therefore the school has sent a message / mention (don't know correct translation in English) about the situation to the child protection organization. I wonder what is going to happen now.
I hope the result will be that my daughter can get her education. It is very sad that her dad is causing these problems again. He managed to get her on that school. There was not much else he needed to do for that, totally insane. Causing an even worse situation for both my daughter and himself.
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Post by csl on Sept 20, 2017 21:53:14 GMT -5
I have received a message from my daughters' school, they have written to my stbx that he is obstructing his daughters education by causing a delay in ordering her books and not being willing to come to school to speak about it. Therefore the school has sent a message / mention (don't know correct translation in English) about the situation to the child protection organization. I wonder what is going to happen now. I hope the result will be that my daughter can get her education. It is very sad that her dad is causing these problems again. He managed to get her on that school. There was not much else he needed to do for that, totally insane. Causing an even worse situation for both my daughter and himself. He's just brought a heap o' trouble down on his head. Once you get child services on you, you're like the cow in the piranha stream. |
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Post by petrushka on Sept 21, 2017 1:58:23 GMT -5
Wow, tamara68 - you have been through so much. I'm so glad you are out from under his actual control. Sad to hear his manipulations continue. And - I'm actually sort of scared for your daughter. He could REALLY mess up the remainder of her life. I hope that the authorities involved in both countries will soon see that he in NO way has your daughter's best interest. I don't know what he thinks he will accomplish by not working with the school! He is a horrible parent and horrible person (much as he was a horrible spouse too). I'm grateful for you sharing your journey with us, even though I wish it had not been such a difficult one. Stay strong, sister. Keep driving your own route. Really proud of you, lady. Your resilience inspires me to keep going too. Thank you. I am scared for her too. I am waiting for authorities to do something positive but I have not much faith in that. Any updates on that? It's been two weeks .... I mean, I gather from your last post that he's being himself .... heh, no surprise there ... but child protection and school, have they done anything? It's becoming quite clear that he should not be in charge of any kids. |
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Post by tamara68 on Sept 21, 2017 13:22:31 GMT -5
petrushka I have spoken with the child protection lady last week and I have received her summary on what I have told her. Child protection could ask the judge for a measure. That means that the judge could hand over some of the parental authority to the child care organization. That could solve a few relatively simple things like signing for the books order in stead of the parent. Problem is that stbx simply does not accept any interference. If it is still not functioning well that way, they could ask the judge to place my daughter with me or with a foster family. But at the age of my daughter that is not a likely thing to do. In cases like this where there is no immediate danger for the child, they won't take a measure like that very quickly. If at all. And I know my stbx well enough that If my daughter would be taken away from him, she would do as he will instruct her. That is, run away from me or foster family back to dad. So in that case everyone involved would experience a lot of stress without any positive results. And probably her education would suffer even more than it does now. So, in my opinion there is not a lot of hope and not a lot of possibilities. The only chance - very small chance, is trying to persuade my stbx to comply with a few of the easiest and most important requests in exchange for leaving him alone if he meets a few acceptable demands. But even for a totally reasonable approach the chance of success is tiny.
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Post by DryCreek on Sept 21, 2017 23:15:00 GMT -5
tamara68, I don't suppose it's within your ability to buy the books she needs, in cooperation with the school counselor, so your daughter can at least can get her education underway? It's crazy (though apparently completely in character) for him to be refusing this.
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Post by baza on Sept 22, 2017 1:39:45 GMT -5
The great unknown, and perhaps unknowable, here is what your daughters mindset is. She has chosen thus far to live with her father. That might not be the smartest choice she ever made, but it is the choice she has made. It may be that it was a coerced choice, based on bullshit her father told her, but still her choice none the less. She is perhaps regretting her choice, or maybe is quite happy with it. No-one seems to know what her attitude to her situation is. For your part Sister tamara68 , you potentially provide your daughters alternative route. She "could" choose to be with you. Whether she avails herself of that alternative choice is pretty much down to her. All you can do is hold that door open, as you have been doing. It would be great if you could eyeball her, and point out that there is an alternative to living with her father, to give her the chance to weigh up her options and make a fully informed choice. Her choice is of course, still going to be hers to make. Feeling for you in this awful situation. There is not a lot of it over which you have much control. |
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Post by tamara68 on Sept 22, 2017 1:40:00 GMT -5
tamara68, I don't suppose it's within your ability to buy the books she needs, in cooperation with the school counselor, so your daughter can at least can get her education underway? It's crazy (though apparently completely in character) for him to be refusing this. School tried to do the order but they cant complete it until dad makes an account. I have asked school if I can do anything. So I suppose they will let me know if I can. Totally in his character indeed. He is a total refuser. And he is convinced that makes him a man of principles. Idiot. |
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Post by tamara68 on Sept 22, 2017 11:33:07 GMT -5
The great unknown, and perhaps unknowable, here is what your daughters mindset is. She has chosen thus far to live with her father. That might not be the smartest choice she ever made, but it is the choice she has made. It may be that it was a coerced choice, based on bullshit her father told her, but still her choice none the less. She is perhaps regretting her choice, or maybe is quite happy with it. No-one seems to know what her attitude to her situation is. For your part Sister tamara68 , you potentially provide your daughters alternative route. She "could" choose to be with you. Whether she avails herself of that alternative choice is pretty much down to her. All you can do is hold that door open, as you have been doing. It would be great if you could eyeball her, and point out that there is an alternative to living with her father, to give her the chance to weigh up her options and make a fully informed choice. Her choice is of course, still going to be hers to make. Feeling for you in this awful situation. There is not a lot of it over which you have much control. Thanks Baz I think my daughter does not want to make a choice by herself. By letting her dad keep all the power, there is less confllict. So less stress. I hope I can meet her without interference. I feel quite powerless. I really hope there will be changes for the better for my daughter somehow. |
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Post by tamara68 on Sept 22, 2017 16:52:33 GMT -5
My stbx has demanded copies of the files they have at school, child services and the municipal education department. So, he will receive copies of what I have sent to them and notes on what I have said. I have kept it factual but I still don't like it and it won't help the chance of getting to see my daughter.
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Post by tamara68 on Sept 27, 2017 13:26:51 GMT -5
Court tomorrow, finalizing divorce! It will be good when this step has been taken.
Today Dear Husband sent me an e-mail to state - again- how evil I am and how bad I am as mother and wife. Adding some semi religious words to have God condemn me as well. And some advise for me to turn to God. And a demand that he expects me to not contact him again in any form. Or he will pursue me for stalking. LOL!
I have ignored 90% of his numerous e-mails in the last year. And IF I replied to anything I ignored all his accusations and only replied to a few practical and factual things. Now I did answer him, and very fast as well. I wrote that I still am my daughters' mother if he likes it or not. He remains a duty to inform me and to make visiting arrangements with me. As long as he doesn't live up to his duties, I don't feel any urge to quit contacting him. If he likes to call me a stalker, he is free to do so. But with all his e-mails that titles suits him better than me. But you don't have to worry, I wrote, I like contact with him as little as possible as well.
I am glad about the divorce, but very sad about my daughter. I am very worried.
Today I saw that on the school's intranet there was a photo of my daughter added to her account (I have parental access to that now). She looked very very unhappy. I felt sick and so helpless. Next week I will try more ways to get in touch with her.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Sept 27, 2017 15:58:58 GMT -5
tamara68. I will be thinking of you. This has been such a tough journey for you. You amaze me with your strength and courage. You did the right thing. Hugs xxxx
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Post by TMD on Sept 27, 2017 20:08:49 GMT -5
I wish I could take you out for tea or beer or wine or something to celebrate and commiserate. And give you a big hug.
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Post by tamara68 on Sept 28, 2017 1:07:22 GMT -5
tamara68 . I will be thinking of you. This has been such a tough journey for you. You amaze me with your strength and courage. You did the right thing. Hugs xxxx Thanks, I hope I did the right thing. It was clearly right as far as my marriage is concerned. But I hope it is going to be right for my daughter as well. |
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Post by tamara68 on Sept 28, 2017 1:07:51 GMT -5
I wish I could take you out for tea or beer or wine or something to celebrate and commiserate. And give you a big hug. Thank you, I'd love that! |
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Post by baza on Sept 28, 2017 2:42:33 GMT -5
This might help, or might not Sister tamara68 but it might be worth thinking on. Looking back, it took you - an adult - how long to figure out that this bloke was a moron ? And having established that he was a dud, it took you - an adult - how long to act on that and offload him ? I am speculating here that the time involved in (a) beginning to suspect he was a dud, to (b) realising he truly was a dud, to (c) offloading him .... ... was a process counted in years rather than in months or weeks So your daughter - a minor - is possibly at the point where she is starting to suspect that mebbe he is a dud, perhaps, possibly. There could be some considerable time to elapse before she (like you) realises he IS a dud, and more time still to act on that. What your daughter HAS got going for her, is *you*... a support person who she *could* turn to. Something that you never had, as you worked your way through the situation all by yourself. If you can get her ear, the fact that she does have a viable alternative might speed her process up. At this stage however, you know from your own first hand experience that getting out of a relationship with a dud is no quick process, particularly if you have no support network. Your daughter DOES have a support person (even if she presently chooses not to use it) and hopefully that will play a major role in her not staying in the dysfunctional situation one moment longer than necessary. Feeling for you Sister tamara68 , this is a shithouse situation. |
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