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Post by tamara68 on Sept 4, 2017 9:10:43 GMT -5
On 26th Augus a year ago, I left my stbx. A good moment to look where I stand now. I have started the divorce procedure last year and in a few weeks - if nothing unexpected happens - it should be completed. A lot has happened in this past year. It was painful to cut off my old life. It was good to discover freedom, a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I have done a lot of new things and on good days I feel that my true self is emerging. But it was and is very sad that I don't have my daughter with me. I have spoken with her once in this year, for only 5 minutes. My stbx didn't want to inform me about anything concerning my daughter. He didn't want to tell me where she would be going to school. I have made inquiries and found her school that way. Last week I have spoken with the coordinator of her year group. That got me worried. I am afraid that her dad is going to ruin her chances even further by creating conflicts with everyone who crosses his path. Now a conflict is emerging with school. School as well as I find that my daughter needs extra attention and help. Her dad refuses any interference and now refuses all communication with school. That doesn't help my daughter to say the least. If at school they think they can't help her this way, they might even consider sending her to a lower level which would be awful because she is highly intelligent. I feel helpless and very sad. I really hope it will work out in the end. iliasm.org/thread/1123/escape |
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 4, 2017 10:04:15 GMT -5
Congratulations on breaking out from that toxic environment, and rediscovering your true self!!
You have described and diagnosed your ex very well. I can only imagine that the ONLY reason things went any better for your daughter when you where together, was because he was busy, content, and satisfied manipulating and controlling both of you. Who does that leave? Your daughter.
It's well.... CRAZY the lack of justice in the justice system, everywhere!
I too have one of my 6 kids that has gone wayward. He's an adult now. Yet all the manipulative control over his life, his rebellion, and my W's enforcement, -and many times lack of- has formed him into who he is. At 19 yrs. old there's still time, and hope. I've been advised to set him free.
It sounds cold and heartless to say this. but it's such a simple way to understand it. -"She (my wife) created that monster, let her deal with correcting it."
Like yourself I hold out for the days of re-connecting! The best I can do for hin is heal thy self, and continue with the rest of the family.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Sept 4, 2017 10:19:00 GMT -5
Wow, tamara68 - you have been through so much. I'm so glad you are out from under his actual control. Sad to hear his manipulations continue. And - I'm actually sort of scared for your daughter. He could REALLY mess up the remainder of her life. I hope that the authorities involved in both countries will soon see that he in NO way has your daughter's best interest. I don't know what he thinks he will accomplish by not working with the school! He is a horrible parent and horrible person (much as he was a horrible spouse too). I'm grateful for you sharing your journey with us, even though I wish it had not been such a difficult one. Stay strong, sister. Keep driving your own route. Really proud of you, lady. Your resilience inspires me to keep going too. |
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Post by tamara68 on Sept 4, 2017 14:03:00 GMT -5
Congratulations on breaking out from that toxic environment, and rediscovering your true self!! You have described and diagnosed your ex very well. I can only imagine that the ONLY reason things went any better for your daughter when you where together, was because he was busy, content, and satisfied manipulating and controlling both of you. Who does that leave? Your daughter. It's well.... CRAZY the lack of justice in the justice system, everywhere! I too have one of my 6 kids that has gone wayward. He's an adult now. Yet all the manipulative control over his life, his rebellion, and my W's enforcement, -and many times lack of- has formed him into who he is. At 19 yrs. old there's still time, and hope. I've been advised to set him free. It sounds cold and heartless to say this. but it's such a simple way to understand it. -"She (my wife) created that monster, let her deal with correcting it." Like yourself I hold out for the days of re-connecting! The best I can do for hin is heal thy self, and continue with the rest of the family. Thanks. I guess there is nothing else that can be done besides healing ourselves first. |
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Post by tamara68 on Sept 4, 2017 14:04:31 GMT -5
Wow, tamara68 - you have been through so much. I'm so glad you are out from under his actual control. Sad to hear his manipulations continue. And - I'm actually sort of scared for your daughter. He could REALLY mess up the remainder of her life. I hope that the authorities involved in both countries will soon see that he in NO way has your daughter's best interest. I don't know what he thinks he will accomplish by not working with the school! He is a horrible parent and horrible person (much as he was a horrible spouse too). I'm grateful for you sharing your journey with us, even though I wish it had not been such a difficult one. Stay strong, sister. Keep driving your own route. Really proud of you, lady. Your resilience inspires me to keep going too. Thank you. I am scared for her too. I am waiting for authorities to do something positive but I have not much faith in that. |
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Post by DryCreek on Sept 4, 2017 16:17:29 GMT -5
tamara68, good for you that you got the process going and now you're almost through it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, as they say. For your daughter... to be blunt, I think you are past the point of authorities having any influence on the situation. She's too old and close to being legally independent to have anything forced upon her, especially with your ex interfering. You probably would have needed to start the process 4-5 years earlier to expect the system to work to your benefit. I would suggest your hope at this point is to persuade her to come live with you. That will be very hard to do when your access to her is all but cutoff. I think your legal efforts would be best spent trying to get time with her and building a relationship of trust. This will most certainly require you to travel to her, so it'll take a lot of time and won't be cheap. I think for you to have much future with her, you need to show a solid, reliable personality over a long period of time - if she's as smart as you say, she'll figure out who you really are, and that her father is lying to her by slandering you. What she won't likely be receptive to is you trying to control her life from afar, even with the best of intentions. She already has to cope with her father trying to control her, and fueling the intensity is more likely to drive her away because it makes her life more miserable. It sounds like a horrible option (and it is), but I think you need to let his/her course play out, crash and burn; meanwhile, you should try to establish a trusting relationship on the gamble that she will eventually come around. But this could be a multi-year strategy.
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Post by baza on Sept 5, 2017 4:35:19 GMT -5
A year ago, your spouse was a prick.
A year ago, you were desperately unhappy.
A year ago, your daughter was (presumably) not real happy either.
Now, you ex spouse remains a prick.
Now, you seem somewhat happy and hopeful.
Now, your daughter is (presumably) still not real happy.
Over the 12 months, you have maintained your dignity and class, and have worked diligently on controlling the only factor in the dynamic that you can control - you. You have done brilliantly well, and you have set a brilliant example for your daughter.
What your ex spouse might choose to do from here is entirely his affair, as will be the consequences of that choice.
Unfortunately, despite her tender years, your daughters choice to hitch herself to your ex spouse is entirely her affair, as will be the consequences of that choice. You've set the example of how to deal with a dysfunctional person, and that example is there for her to take on board whenever she might feel like it. Obviously she does not feel like it at this time. That might remain the case tomorrow, or mebbe not.
Really, all you can do is to conduct yourself in the same manner you have been doing.
You can't make your ex spouses choices for him, nor can you make your daughters choices for her.
You can only make your own choices.
Choice is a bitch.
And none of us get a pass on it.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 5, 2017 4:46:33 GMT -5
Congratulations on your progress and very inspirational to read.
Now with respect to your daughter - do you not have some visitation rights? Only 5 minutes?
Even in extreme cases of horrible parents more visitation is allowed than this.
Is she already 18? Or still a minor?
Are you in the same country or able to visit her if you wanted to?
Surely custody / visitation for your daughter came up in Court or as part of the Divorce procedure?
The other ideas are hiring more expensive lawyers and fighting this etc.
Any how, terribly sorry to hear this - once I did not see my daughter for six months and I it was so tough. Courage!!!
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Post by tamara68 on Sept 5, 2017 5:54:17 GMT -5
tamara68 , good for you that you got the process going and now you're almost through it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, as they say. For your daughter... to be blunt, I think you are past the point of authorities having any influence on the situation. She's too old and close to being legally independent to have anything forced upon her, especially with your ex interfering. You probably would have needed to start the process 4-5 years earlier to expect the system to work to your benefit. I would suggest your hope at this point is to persuade her to come live with you. That will be very hard to do when your access to her is all but cutoff. I think your legal efforts would be best spent trying to get time with her and building a relationship of trust. This will most certainly require you to travel to her, so it'll take a lot of time and won't be cheap. I think for you to have much future with her, you need to show a solid, reliable personality over a long period of time - if she's as smart as you say, she'll figure out who you really are, and that her father is lying to her by slandering you. What she won't likely be receptive to is you trying to control her life from afar, even with the best of intentions. She already has to cope with her father trying to control her, and fueling the intensity is more likely to drive her away because it makes her life more miserable. It sounds like a horrible option (and it is), but I think you need to let his/her course play out, crash and burn; meanwhile, you should try to establish a trusting relationship on the gamble that she will eventually come around. But this could be a multi-year strategy. Thanks. I think you are right. I don't think it is very likely she would come and live with me. I do think there is a small chance that authorities might be able to establish a little bit of contact with my daughter. I am looking to find a balance in keep trying to get contact with her but not pushing it too much. I don't attempt getting control over her. I am very aware of how much she has to cope with her father so I don't want to add a burden. I have explained that to school as well. That she is between two forces - her dad and school and she can't keep both happy. I can only hope to make things with school a bit smoother for her to make them understand the situation better. The rest is up to them. |
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Post by tamara68 on Sept 5, 2017 5:57:30 GMT -5
A year ago, your spouse was a prick. A year ago, you were desperately unhappy. A year ago, your daughter was (presumably) not real happy either. Now, you ex spouse remains a prick. Now, you seem somewhat happy and hopeful. Now, your daughter is (presumably) still not real happy. Over the 12 months, you have maintained your dignity and class, and have worked diligently on controlling the only factor in the dynamic that you can control - you. You have done brilliantly well, and you have set a brilliant example for your daughter. What your ex spouse might choose to do from here is entirely his affair, as will be the consequences of that choice. Unfortunately, despite her tender years, your daughters choice to hitch herself to your ex spouse is entirely her affair, as will be the consequences of that choice. You've set the example of how to deal with a dysfunctional person, and that example is there for her to take on board whenever she might feel like it. Obviously she does not feel like it at this time. That might remain the case tomorrow, or mebbe not. Really, all you can do is to conduct yourself in the same manner you have been doing. You can't make your ex spouses choices for him, nor can you make your daughters choices for her. You can only make your own choices. Choice is a bitch. And none of us get a pass on it. I am trying to keep that in mind constantly but it is very hard. I can't let her go completely but I can't change what is not up to me to change. So indeed I have to make my own choices. I am trying to make her know that I am there when she wants to. |
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Post by tamara68 on Sept 5, 2017 6:08:48 GMT -5
Congratulations on your progress and very inspirational to read. Now with respect to your daughter - do you not have some visitation rights? Only 5 minutes? Even in extreme cases of horrible parents more visitation is allowed than this. Is she already 18? Or still a minor? Are you in the same country or able to visit her if you wanted to? Surely custody / visitation for your daughter came up in Court or as part of the Divorce procedure? The other ideas are hiring more expensive lawyers and fighting this etc. Any how, terribly sorry to hear this - once I did not see my daughter for six months and I it was so tough. Courage!!! Thanks. Yes I have visitation rights but the judge has not stated something in his verdict explicitly. We only had a court session to arrange some things before final divorce. The judge said we need to establish visitation, but no specific plan has been made. The judge had ordered to have youth care investigate what would be best for my daughter but before that could be done, my stbx and my daughter moved out of the country back to the Netherlands. I still live in Belgium. I expect that the judge will mention something on visitation in the new verdict expected in October. I also expect to have a conversation with youthcare at some point, but they are extremely slow so that probably won't be until after divorce. Too late to influence the verdict. And even if explicitly is stated that I can see my daughter every couple of weeks, that doesn't make it happen. My daughter won't show up or they won't open the door. My daughter is 16, at this age they probably won't force her. And even if they would force her, I doubt that would be very wise. The move from stbx and my daughter has caused a delay in interference from organizations of at least 4 months. I can't hire more expensive lawyers and also doubt the use of that. My own lawyer is expensive enough. After his last payments my savings will be gone. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2017 11:15:44 GMT -5
tamara68, you are SO much better off without him. He had other serious problems in addition to the sexlessness. DryCreek and baza had good thoughts concerning your daughter, so I will try not to be repetitive. But know this: the mother-child bond is almost impossible to break. I'm positive that you and she will have a better relationship someday.
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Post by tamara68 on Sept 5, 2017 14:59:37 GMT -5
I do hope so @smartkat, that is what I am hoping for.
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Post by tamara68 on Sept 16, 2017 15:07:52 GMT -5
Small update. In twelve days divorce in court again. It should be simple, the judge will finalize the divorce.
On seeing my daughter, nothing has been accomplished yet, the judge will probably not decide about that either, if I understand my lawyer correctly.
Last week I spoke with someone from child protection. They have invited me for a discussion about my daughter. And separately they have invited stbx with my daughter but received no response from their side.
I have tried to give a good description of the whole situation and about what approach doesn't work with my almost ex. Basically I said that I could tell a lot of things that don't work with him, but nothing that does work.
child protection lady didn't have much confidence that they could get some cooperation and establish visiting arrangements. But I did have a few suggestions and they were taken seriously. So, wait and see what is going to happen.
I also had contact with my daughters' school again. Stbx is still refusing any additional help for my daughter and also refuses to put his signature under anything. With his stupidity he even caused a serious delay in the ordering of school books for my daughter. So the first weeks of school she had to use copies of book pages from others at school. Super dad !
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Post by TMD on Sept 16, 2017 19:43:03 GMT -5
Children, even at 16, are very intuitive with respect to what's going on, particularly based on another person's *actions.* I strongly believe that if you continue to be gentle, to reach out without being didactic, your daughter will *know* that you are safe. I hope that your daughter will return to you soon. This has to be very hard for you.
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