|
|
Post by eternaloptimism on Sept 28, 2017 11:45:18 GMT -5
tamara68 . I will be thinking of you. This has been such a tough journey for you. You amaze me with your strength and courage. You did the right thing. Hugs xxxx Thanks, I hope I did the right thing. It was clearly right as far as my marriage is concerned. But I hope it is going to be right for my daughter as well. Staying in the hope of protecting her from a split would have been worse T. She will understand one day soon I hope. Xxx |
|
|
|
Post by tamara68 on Sept 28, 2017 14:46:53 GMT -5
This might help, or might not Sister tamara68 but it might be worth thinking on. Looking back, it took you - an adult - how long to figure out that this bloke was a moron ? And having established that he was a dud, it took you - an adult - how long to act on that and offload him ? I am speculating here that the time involved in (a) beginning to suspect he was a dud, to (b) realising he truly was a dud, to (c) offloading him .... ... was a process counted in years rather than in months or weeks So your daughter - a minor - is possibly at the point where she is starting to suspect that mebbe he is a dud, perhaps, possibly. There could be some considerable time to elapse before she (like you) realises he IS a dud, and more time still to act on that. What your daughter HAS got going for her, is *you*... a support person who she *could* turn to. Something that you never had, as you worked your way through the situation all by yourself. If you can get her ear, the fact that she does have a viable alternative might speed her process up. At this stage however, you know from your own first hand experience that getting out of a relationship with a dud is no quick process, particularly if you have no support network. Your daughter DOES have a support person (even if she presently chooses not to use it) and hopefully that will play a major role in her not staying in the dysfunctional situation one moment longer than necessary. Feeling for you Sister tamara68 , this is a shithouse situation. That is what I thought too and since that has taken a long time for me, I fear for my daughter. I do hope I can establish at least a little bit of contact. she has to be aware at least that I can be a way out for her if necessary. My stbx's lawyer couldn't hide that she thinks my daughter is not in a good place with her dad. |
|
|
|
Post by TMD on Sept 28, 2017 18:35:18 GMT -5
This might help, or might not Sister tamara68 but it might be worth thinking on. Looking back, it took you - an adult - how long to figure out that this bloke was a moron ? And having established that he was a dud, it took you - an adult - how long to act on that and offload him ? I am speculating here that the time involved in (a) beginning to suspect he was a dud, to (b) realising he truly was a dud, to (c) offloading him .... ... was a process counted in years rather than in months or weeks So your daughter - a minor - is possibly at the point where she is starting to suspect that mebbe he is a dud, perhaps, possibly. There could be some considerable time to elapse before she (like you) realises he IS a dud, and more time still to act on that. What your daughter HAS got going for her, is *you*... a support person who she *could* turn to. Something that you never had, as you worked your way through the situation all by yourself. If you can get her ear, the fact that she does have a viable alternative might speed her process up. At this stage however, you know from your own first hand experience that getting out of a relationship with a dud is no quick process, particularly if you have no support network. Your daughter DOES have a support person (even if she presently chooses not to use it) and hopefully that will play a major role in her not staying in the dysfunctional situation one moment longer than necessary. Feeling for you Sister tamara68 , this is a shithouse situation. That is what I thought too and since that has taken a long time for me, I fear for my daughter. I do hope I can establish at least a little bit of contact. she has to be aware at least that I can be a way out for her if necessary. My stbx's lawyer couldn't hide that she thinks my daughter is not in a good place with her dad. Tamara, do not the lawyer, or school admin/teachers, etc, have a duty to report your child if she is living in questionable circumstances? If anyone fears child abuse, where I live, we are legally responsible to report it. |
|
|
|
Post by tamara68 on Sept 29, 2017 6:29:40 GMT -5
Yes, and Last week school actually has reported their concerns. BUT I don't think that is going to make a lot of difference. At best intereference from others can solve a few practicle issues but it will also cause a lot of stress for my daughter and her dad. In the end it my daughter could be put in a foster family or with me, but she would run away. Most likely a judge will see that the chance of success is so small that that won't happen. And suppose my daughter would be forced to live with me, she would resent me maybe. And the ongoing pressure from her dad wouldn't make it easier. I think the best achievable is causing not too much stress, let her live with her dad but with some practical useful supervision and help for my daughter. And establishing some form of contact between my daughter and me. Even a very limited contact would be better than nothing. Maybe it wouldn't have the downsides if contact would be forced. I think it would be easier for my daughter if it was forced, because she wouldn't have the burden to stand up to her dad. |
|
|
|
Post by tamara68 on Sept 29, 2017 6:30:46 GMT -5
She will understand one day soon I hope. Xxx I do hope so. |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Sept 29, 2017 7:59:21 GMT -5
Yes, and Last week school actually has reported their concerns. BUT I don't think that is going to make a lot of difference. At best intereference from others can solve a few practicle issues but it will also cause a lot of stress for my daughter and her dad. In the end it my daughter could be put in a foster family or with me, but she would run away. Most likely a judge will see that the chance of success is so small that that won't happen. And suppose my daughter would be forced to live with me, she would resent me maybe. And the ongoing pressure from her dad wouldn't make it easier. I think the best achievable is causing not too much stress, let her live with her dad but with some practical useful supervision and help for my daughter. And establishing some form of contact between my daughter and me. Even a very limited contact would be better than nothing. Maybe it wouldn't have the downsides if contact would be forced. I think it would be easier for my daughter if it was forced, because she wouldn't have the burden to stand up to her dad. Sadly, controllers -like our spouses- use children as a weapon. Most people divorce to end unresolvable marital conflict, not so with the ex. The ex LOVES conflict and wants it to go on and on and on. When children are involved divorcing Crazy rarely ends the conflict, it just changes the playing field. Your ex knows full well that your daughter is the easiest and most effective way to hurt,manipulate, and control you. Under your ex's tutelage, your daughter has become and remains his weapon, hostage held for ransom and /or foot soldier in his campaign of hate. As difficult as this is to say-and for you to read- you may have to accept the harsh reality that remaining in the distant background, with open arms, is the most loving thing you can do. If your daughter was able to see you for short visits, imagine the harsh brain washing she will have to endure when she returns to your ex? You already lived through this while you where married. You continue to show your love by trying to work with a system that seems against you. Pat yourself on the back for exposing your ex for who he truly is. Hopefully your daughter will escape when the time is right. You will be there to guide her! |
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Sept 29, 2017 13:10:55 GMT -5
Maybe it wouldn't have the downsides if contact would be forced. I think it would be easier for my daughter if it was forced, because she wouldn't have the burden to stand up to her dad. I think you have a couple obstacles to overcome with your daughter. First, you need to get some private time with her so there's even a shred of opportunity for you two to have a future bond. Say, spending the day together every couple weeks. If you can't accomplish this, your ex will spin tales that will keep her poisoned against you. And I agree that if she were forced by court order then your ex has much less ground to interfere and she can plausibly defend her actions as necessary. Given her age, you need to do this while she is still a minor; once she's old enough, the courts won't intervene and you'll be back to an uphill battle just getting to see her. As it is, she may resist for many sessions. Second... once you have a line of communication with her (and by this, I mean regularly meeting with her privately; you know any electronic or phone comms will not be private), you need to build her trust. Be her "safe place", whether she exercises it or not. She needs to feel like you want her around, you care, you love her, and you'd love for her to come live with you anytime she's ready. If you can build and maintain a rapport like this, it'll go a long way to counteracting the lies that he feeds her. Eventually she may come to see the reality and she'll walk through the door you've left open for her. The best you can probably do at this age is to pave the path. |
|
|
|
Post by tamara68 on Sept 29, 2017 13:43:13 GMT -5
Yes, and Last week school actually has reported their concerns. BUT I don't think that is going to make a lot of difference. At best intereference from others can solve a few practicle issues but it will also cause a lot of stress for my daughter and her dad. In the end it my daughter could be put in a foster family or with me, but she would run away. Most likely a judge will see that the chance of success is so small that that won't happen. And suppose my daughter would be forced to live with me, she would resent me maybe. And the ongoing pressure from her dad wouldn't make it easier. I think the best achievable is causing not too much stress, let her live with her dad but with some practical useful supervision and help for my daughter. And establishing some form of contact between my daughter and me. Even a very limited contact would be better than nothing. Maybe it wouldn't have the downsides if contact would be forced. I think it would be easier for my daughter if it was forced, because she wouldn't have the burden to stand up to her dad. Sadly, controllers -like our spouses- use children as a weapon. Most people divorce to end unresolvable marital conflict, not so with the ex. The ex LOVES conflict and wants it to go on and on and on. When children are involved divorcing Crazy rarely ends the conflict, it just changes the playing field. Your ex knows full well that your daughter is the easiest and most effective way to hurt,manipulate, and control you. Under your ex's tutelage, your daughter has become and remains his weapon, hostage held for ransom and /or foot soldier in his campaign of hate. As difficult as this is to say-and for you to read- you may have to accept the harsh reality that remaining in the distant background, with open arms, is the most loving thing you can do. If your daughter was able to see you for short visits, imagine the harsh brain washing she will have to endure when she returns to your ex? You already lived through this while you where married. You continue to show your love by trying to work with a system that seems against you. Pat yourself on the back for exposing your ex for who he truly is. Hopefully your daughter will escape when the time is right. You will be there to guide her! It is so awful and not understandable that people use their children as weapons. |
|
|
|
Post by tamara68 on Sept 29, 2017 13:45:24 GMT -5
Maybe it wouldn't have the downsides if contact would be forced. I think it would be easier for my daughter if it was forced, because she wouldn't have the burden to stand up to her dad. I think you have a couple obstacles to overcome with your daughter. First, you need to get some private time with her so there's even a shred of opportunity for you two to have a future bond. Say, spending the day together every couple weeks. If you can't accomplish this, your ex will spin tales that will keep her poisoned against you. And I agree that if she were forced by court order then your ex has much less ground to interfere and she can plausibly defend her actions as necessary. Given her age, you need to do this while she is still a minor; once she's old enough, the courts won't intervene and you'll be back to an uphill battle just getting to see her. As it is, she may resist for many sessions. Second... once you have a line of communication with her (and by this, I mean regularly meeting with her privately; you know any electronic or phone comms will not be private), you need to build her trust. Be her "safe place", whether she exercises it or not. She needs to feel like you want her around, you care, you love her, and you'd love for her to come live with you anytime she's ready. If you can build and maintain a rapport like this, it'll go a long way to counteracting the lies that he feeds her. Eventually she may come to see the reality and she'll walk through the door you've left open for her. The best you can probably do at this age is to pave the path. a line of communication would be a big improvement. So far not in reach but I hope something will happen. Her age is like a time bomb, I have that in my mind constantly. Things - at least communication - must be established before she is 18. |
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Sept 29, 2017 14:22:30 GMT -5
Her age is like a time bomb, I have that in my mind constantly. Things - at least communication - must be established before she is 18. Absolutely. I think the story you need to strive for is that you are there for her, and you want to be in her life more, but you are being blocked at every turn and it's in her power to change that if she wants it. The groundwork you can lay before she turns 18 is the best shot you'll have at counteracting his poison. |
|
|
|
Post by tamara68 on Sept 29, 2017 15:16:02 GMT -5
DryCreek You are right. That is what I am trying, I have to find a way to pave the path.
|
|
|
|
Post by nolongerlonely on Oct 7, 2017 2:19:57 GMT -5
tamara68 so sorry to be contributing so late in your thread I've been a bit wrapped up in my own efforts to make it to freedom lately. Anyway congratulations on the year and in reforming your life (by which I mean YOUR life). I'm really sorry about the situation with your daughter. I realise the process is so slow but by being there, continuing to offer her support and pushing away at the support agencies you are doing the best thing for her. My stbx is also a controller - one with a foul and unpredictable temper that frankly displays tendencies of pure insanity -but I'm confident if she was evaluated by the health service she would be seen as ok - normal even. So like you I have to wait and see.My daughter although older is under the spell of her control all I can do is offer to be there if she needs me now or in the future just as you are. You are handling it right be strong and although I know it must be so hard be patient too :-)
|
|
|
|
Post by tamara68 on Oct 7, 2017 7:01:48 GMT -5
tamara68 so sorry to be contributing so late in your thread I've been a bit wrapped up in my own efforts to make it to freedom lately. Anyway congratulations on the year and in reforming your life (by which I mean YOUR life). I'm really sorry about the situation with your daughter. I realise the process is so slow but by being there, continuing to offer her support and pushing away at the support agencies you are doing the best thing for her. My stbx is also a controller - one with a foul and unpredictable temper that frankly displays tendencies of pure insanity -but I'm confident if she was evaluated by the health service she would be seen as ok - normal even. So like you I have to wait and see.My daughter although older is under the spell of her control all I can do is offer to be there if she needs me now or in the future just as you are. You are handling it right be strong and although I know it must be so hard be patient too :-) , thanks. I am glad you are on your way to freedom. I hope your stbx is not going to display her insanity as much as mine and hopefully your daughter will see that you are the sane one and the right one to turn to. I hope it won't be long until things are going uphill again. |
|
|
|
Post by tamara68 on Nov 2, 2017 16:06:58 GMT -5
Some new developments regarding my daughter.
A lady from child services / child protection (don't know the English equivalent), called me today. Child services have discussed with several people about the situation. They have spoken with school and with people that were involved in Belgium. Now they have made a plan. They want to force my ex to accept help for my daughter and to comply with school demands. He will get three months and if he remains stuck in his avoiding behavior, they want to take my daughter away from him and put her in a foster family or home for a few months to figure out what would be good for my daughter. With the option of living with me as one of the possibilities.
I will talk with the child services again to see if I have understood everything correctly.
I am anxious. I know this will cause a hell of a lot of stress for my daughter and her dad. I would be surprised if he would start to cooperate, but who knows what he will do.
If my daughter would actually be taken away, will she be taken to a good place? Will she run back to dad immediately? As he undoubtedly will instruct her.
Is everything going to be a part of improvement eventually? Or is it going down hill even faster?
I am nervous and feel very sorry for my daughter to be caught in the middle of this. I hope so much that some things are going to change for the better.
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Nov 2, 2017 17:01:15 GMT -5
Sound like a lot of "hurry up and wait" doesn't it? The "3 months and if he remains stuck in his avoiding behavior" sounds very vague. lets hope it gets well documented and goes heavily in your favor!
I wonder if a letter from your attorney would be in your favor, when the time comes to decide who she lives with?
Thanks for keeping us posted!
|
|
