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Post by tamara68 on Nov 12, 2017 13:05:17 GMT -5
I have spoken with child services again. I have been advised to make a formal request at court to get my daughter living with me when child services starts a procedure at court to get my daughter away from her dad. So I have contacted my lawyer about it. I will need a Dutch lawyer too, to work together with my Belgian one. This request itself shouldn't be a lot of work. But the costs are high. So that worries me obviously. Finances are hard to predict. My savings could be exactly enough to cover the costs, or I could get a debt. I hope it won't be too bad in the end. And I hope it will go well with my daughter. Time is running out, and I am worried about what the stress is doing to my daughter and her dad. He has stated that if I send anything by post, he will throw it away. I am afraid that that applies to cards or presents for my daughter as well. And she doesn't respond to email. I have asked school if I could send cards to her at the school address. But they don't want that to avoid being part of the conflict between her parents. They also dont want child services to talk with her at school. That's very strange. I admit I only have experience with the American school system, but school is the one place where child services frequently tries to talk to children because it's the one place where they can guarantee that the child will be so they don't have to search for them. Schools always cooperate with them because it's in the child's best interest and often, abusive parents will hide their children by just simply not being home. Also, if there's no legal reason that a parent doesn't have access (no restraining orders, no alleged abuse, nothing on paper to warrant denying access) many school guidance counselors are happy to give children mail from a parent if the child can't get it at home. It's done discreetly to protect the child's privacy and not draw attention to a rough home life. Some parents even visit their children at the school if the other parent is denying access without reason. I think it is strange too. Even though I understand their argument. And as far as I know it happens very often that childservices contact children at school. I also think that if a judge would give instructions for taking my daughter away from her dad, they would do that at school most likely. But now the child services don't have a mandate from court yet. So I guess that is what makes the difference. |
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Post by tamara68 on Nov 12, 2017 13:07:10 GMT -5
As negative as things sound about your ex's strong uncooperative behavior,the positive is how it strengthens your case and is in your favor. Something we knew all along. Sadly it takes major events for change to happen. Kind of like a dangerous intersection, and how many people will have to die before the gov't does something about it. Have you had contact with the case worker? I hope they will get just as frustrated as you did and can force some action. Keep us posted! I agree that his behavior strengthens my case. Yes I have had contact with a case worker. But not the one who is going to do the next steps. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 13, 2017 10:24:01 GMT -5
“. But now the child services don't have a mandate from court yet. So I guess that is what makes the difference.”
Thanks for explaining because I also thought it very strange. I understand why the mail delivery would be declined (we can’t do that for all kids, so can’t do for a special case) but I think Child Services would have ways to insist on access to speaking with your daughter. But now I understand: without an order signed by a judge, or something like that, the school can’t be made to give access AS YET.
I hope the finances will work out for you. And I hope they will move quickly through whatever the necessary steps are. Stay strong, sister - you are doing all the right things and for the right reasons.
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Post by tamara68 on Nov 15, 2017 13:28:59 GMT -5
“. But now the child services don't have a mandate from court yet. So I guess that is what makes the difference.” Thanks for explaining because I also thought it very strange. I understand why the mail delivery would be declined (we can’t do that for all kids, so can’t do for a special case) but I think Child Services would have ways to insist on access to speaking with your daughter. But now I understand: without an order signed by a judge, or something like that, the school can’t be made to give access AS YET. I hope the finances will work out for you. And I hope they will move quickly through whatever the necessary steps are. Stay strong, sister - you are doing all the right things and for the right reasons. Thanks. The formal letter that has been sent to court, arrived today. I expect it will take a month or so until a date for court is set. In the mean time the Belgian authoroties have contacted me as well. They have checked the legal situation and they still have an authority they say. So I will have a meeting and they might give an advice on where my daughter should live. Or maybe they will say that they think that it would be okay if my daughter would live with me. That would strengthen my case in the Netherlands. I have contacted a lawyer in the Netherlands who was recommended to me. She is specialized in these kind of things and also on international cases. So that is promising. |
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Post by tamara68 on Nov 24, 2017 14:41:30 GMT -5
Today I have received a letter from court. The date is set on next week 29th November.
Yesterday I have spoken with a Dutch lawyer. Unfortunately I don't qualify for a subsidized lawyer because the rules for a single person without children applies to me. I wonder what is going to happen.
I am pretty sure that the judge will do what child services is requesting. But what else will be said is uncertain.
My new lawyer doesn't have a lot of time to read files now. Simply too much.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 24, 2017 15:09:50 GMT -5
Glad you've got a court date happening soon. lets hope that's a good sign.
Rules for a single person without children--WHAT? That's twisted! You are a divorced mother with a kidnapped daughter!
Like I said from the beginning " Child services has WAY TO MUCH POWER".
Lawyer doesn't have time to read files? That stinks! (They have time to take your money)
Lets hope the overwhelming evidence of what a un-cooperative, law breaking, narc, your ex is will sink him!
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Post by tamara68 on Nov 24, 2017 15:50:24 GMT -5
greatcoastal, it's government rules that I am seen as single with no children because my daughter is not living with me. As single parent I would have been entitled to get a subsidized lawyer. My salary is not low enough and the fact that I have paid about 9000 euro to my belgian lawyer so far, is not of any influence. I have spoken with my Dutch lawyer for the first time yesterday. She will read the essentials naturally, but the total file is so big that would cost many many hours to read. Anyway, I am curious of how things will proceed.
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Post by tamara68 on Nov 25, 2017 9:01:02 GMT -5
itme It is not that common to sue people in the Netherlands. And not much chance of success. Especially because my alomst Ex, has no money. "Van een kale kip kun je geen veren plukken" (Dutch proverb meaning 'you can't pluck feathers from a bold chicken'. Lawyers here are restricted in getting their fee out of the winnings. And in this case with no chance of success, there will be not a single lawyer who'd do that. Over here he should not have crossed the border with my daughter without my permission either, but the police said that it is not considered kidnapping when children are older than 15. And he had given me his new address. If he wouldn't have done that, he would have been arrested. But he was smart enough to prevent that.
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Post by obobfla on Nov 28, 2017 0:11:30 GMT -5
If it takes a gofundme page to get the funds to get your daughter, I will be the first to contribute. I have seen the effect of children under abusive parents like your ex, particularly daughters with abusive fathers. Many rebel against their parents and go wild. That is the healthier way. Worse is when they surrender to the abuse and think that is normal. They internalize it, and it takes years of therapy to overcome. I already have my son in counseling to deal with his mom’s physical illnesses and absense, but I have always been worried about his mental health. Since his mom is schizo-affective, he is more likely to have a mental illness than others. I can’t stop it if it comes, but I can give him the tools to deal with it should that come to pass. tamara68, good luck with your case. |
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Post by tamara68 on Nov 28, 2017 13:55:20 GMT -5
obobfla, thank you, you are very sweet. Someone else here also offered this some time ago. I am grateful you would be willing to help. But at the moment I think there is still a chance that I will be able to pay the bills. It will be tight and I am trying to find ways to save money. Something like gofundme would be a last resort. I worry about my daughter and I know that it is as you say. It will take a long time for her to overcome the abuse. She will have internalized it. I hope she still has some rebellion in her and I hope something is going to change for the better. Tomorrow I go to court. I have spoken with my new lawyer a few times. I think she is good, she comes across as competent and involved. Tomorrow there will not be decided anything about my daughter going to me, but a start will be made. I expect that court will decide about a measure according to what the child services have requested. My lawyer thinks it is important that the term for this measure will not be more than a couple of months so that fairly soon court will have to decide about the next step. Hopefully that will be that my daughter will be placed with me. Or at the very least that in one way or the other contact with me will be established.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 30, 2017 11:06:34 GMT -5
So, how did it go for you?
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Post by tamara68 on Nov 30, 2017 16:14:12 GMT -5
Yesterday I was in court. My almost-ex, my daughter and I have all received an invitation to come to court. As well as 2 people from child services. I met my lawyer there and we talked things through before court.
Then my daughter arrived alone. Her dad had called in sick and sent her off to go alone. The judge later said that he had asked for postponing the court session but the judge didn't agree with that.
I managed to speak with my daughter for a little while. That was good. First she was a bit distant but after a few minutes she loosened up a little. I could notice that she had taken over some of the opinions of her dad, but I think his ways have not settled down in her completely yet. It was a good think she was alone, because I wouldn't have been able to speak with her if he'd be standing next to her.
The judge spoke with her first for quite some time, while the others all waited in the hall. My daughter had brought a statement from dad (so she was used as his messenger). The judge took time to read it all and than called her back in.
After that my daughter could leave and it was our turn.
Child services, my lawyer and I all had our say and answered questions from the judge. I tried to explain why I had stayed so long and why I had left. The judge asked what my worries were about my daughter staying with her dad. Basically, everyone agreed about it not being a good place for my daughter to be with her dad. But since my daughter is nearly 17, her opinion mustn't be ignored either.
Usually the judge gives a verdict right away in these matters. But now this judge said she needed to think it over and read the statement from stbx again.
Today the judge informed everyone about the verdict. She agreed with child services and decided a measure was needed for a year. That means that for a year my daughter and her dad (and me too if during this year my daughter whould end up with me) have to comply with a lot of things that are considered important for my daughter. Like making sure she has everything she needs for school, and other things needed for her health and therapy if necessary. And establishing contact with me. But those specific things will be on the agenda later.
First child services will need to speak with all involved. And then we'll see what happens. Probably in a few months time child services will have an opinion about the situation and will have to decide about letting my daughter stay with her dad or ask the judge to get her away from there.
At least the case worker who is going to speak with all of us, seemed to be in favor for having my daughter stay with me if she would be taken away from dad. But that is something for later.
First things first and trying to establish contact is one of the important things.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 30, 2017 17:30:14 GMT -5
Sounds like a lot of positive things will be happening, all in it's own time! (honestly it should not have gotten this far...but I digress)
Your ex's strategies do not surprise me at all-avoiding responsibility and blaming everyone else- I hope the others involved can see it too. My guess is he was smart not to be there. His personality would have come glaring through, his constant need for his way only in order to hide his fears and flaws, much to his detriment. He can't hide forever.
I'm glad his ways have not taken over her completely, and you will have no trouble complying with the things needed for your daughter. Your ex? Not so much!
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Post by TMD on Nov 30, 2017 23:51:44 GMT -5
. I’m glad your daughter opened up to you. Here’s to more sportive steps in a healthy direction.
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Post by tamara68 on Dec 1, 2017 11:17:55 GMT -5
Today I have passed my driving test!!! One more positive thing  And it will be a lot quicker than with public transport to go to meet mt daughter in the Netherlands. |
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