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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 1, 2017 11:25:01 GMT -5
Today I have passed my driving test!!! One more positive thing  And it will be a lot quicker than with public transport to go to meet mt daughter in the Netherlands. Gee...let me take another wild guess.... This was something your ex was opposed to? He wouldn't want you to have power and control over your own personal identity. (have fun breaking in the back seat!!) |
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Post by tamara68 on Dec 1, 2017 11:50:38 GMT -5
Today I have passed my driving test!!! One more positive thing And it will be a lot quicker than with public transport to go to meet mt daughter in the Netherlands. Gee...let me take another wild guess.... This was something your ex was opposed to? He wouldn't want you to have power and control over your own personal identity. (have fun breaking in the back seat!!) How did you guess?? lol Yes he was opposed. According to him I am lazy and unattentive and not capable for driving. HA! I have not had the opportunity yet to test the back seat lol |
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Post by tamara68 on Dec 3, 2017 15:13:12 GMT -5
I just got an e-mail from my daughter, but it is very clear to me that it is her father speaking.
'she' asks me to appeal against the verdict of the judge about the measure of interference by youth care.
It makes me sad.
he is using her as if he is a ventriloquist using her as a dummy.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 3, 2017 16:23:33 GMT -5
Hopefully that can be evidence used in your favor,when it comes to convincing the case worker why your daughter should be staying with you.
There's not a 17 yr old on the planet who is thinking about such things and getting involved like that between the parents.
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Post by tamara68 on Dec 3, 2017 16:29:06 GMT -5
Hopefully that can be evidence used in your favor,when it comes to convincing the case worker why your daughter should be staying with you. I have forwarded it to the caseworker as well as my lawyer. I think the case worker doesn't need a lot of extra conviction. But, to actually get my daughter with me looks like a mission impossible. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 20, 2018 21:30:54 GMT -5
Any news from the front lines?
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Post by tamara68 on Jan 21, 2018 5:35:07 GMT -5
greatcoastal , thanks for asking. I am getting nervous and depressed because not a lot is happening. It is now nearly 2 months after the verdict. A caseworker has to interfere with my daughter, but she hasn't been able to speak with my daughter and her father yet. Also I still have not had an appointment with her yet, because of circumstances it had to be postponed a few times. I will finally go to see the caseworker in the next week. I did speak with her on the phone, and that makes me very worried. She is a young woman. Probably full of good will and best intentions, but she clearly is not a match for my ex. She said she is going to start a formal procedure to force my ex and my daughter to speak with her. Therefore she will send a demand to my ex and daughter to state that they will have to speak with her. If they don't do that, there will be hearing in court. the judge will then confirm the demand from the caseworker. There will be sanctions if they still don't show up. Problem is that it takes a few weeks after the first demand before it goes to court. And there is a few weeks time for appeal, so all in all it will take probably at least a month, maybe longer until the caseworker manages to speak with my ex. And then what? I expect the same thing will happen for any demand. I am very worried that this is the perfect way for my ex to delay everything as long as possible and before you know it, a year will have passed. In a few weeks time my daughter will celebrate her 17th birthday. Just one year of interference left and I am so so worried that nothing will be accomplished before she is 18. And after that nobody will do anything anymore. I hope I am seeing it too dark and it won't be as bad as it looks.
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Post by obobfla on Jan 21, 2018 12:18:37 GMT -5
tamara68, I really hope this works out for your daughter’s sake. This girl needs an intervention. I know this is presumptuous of me, but here is how I would handle talking to your daughter. First, I would get a third party to speak to her alone - the caseworker, a school counselor, whoever! - just to get a feel of where your daughter’s head is at. Your daughter may stick with her father’s line. But few 17-year-olds I know will say their parents are just perfect, even when they are pretty good parents. They also don’t lie well. Then if I talked to your daughter (being you, of course), I would avoid the pronoun “you,” other than “how are you doing.” I would tell her honestly how my life has changed since leaving her father and how I have more freedom. I would show her my driver’s license and pictures of places I’ve seen since leaving husband. All I would do is let her know that there is a real world outside of her father’s dominance and that it’s much better than her current world. Then I would let her know that despite everything, I love her and really didn’t want to leave her. But I had to find my own path before helping her find hers. It’s tricky. Sooner or later, a whole volcano of resentment will explode inside her, or at least I hope so for her sake. She will see what her father has done to her. She will also resent you for enabling it, even though that’s not the case. But until then, you are the disloyal member of the family that left, and you are part of the conspiracy against her and her father. Hope this helps.
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Post by tamara68 on Jan 22, 2018 12:25:13 GMT -5
obobfla, it is a challenge to get to speak with my daughter in the first place. The case worker hasn't even managed to speak with her so far. School doesn't want to do anything to facilitate contact between me and my daughter because they want to maintain the impression of being impartial. Which they are not but okay. If I do get to speak with my daughter, I think you are right about how to approach her. I am not too worried about what happens when I get to be with her. But how to accomplish that in time and especially having her with me regularly and for more than a few hours, that is not easy... Her dad will do anything to prevent that.
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Post by obobfla on Jan 22, 2018 18:35:47 GMT -5
I didn’t think the school will do it. Most schools operate in CYA mode so they don’t get in trouble. I have found school administrators to be less honest than most politicians, but that is a topic beyond this forum.
But I think someone impartial has to talk to your daughter and evaluate where she is. I just got home, and my son and I yelled at each other. Then we talked it out. He is supposed to get upset with me at times, as that is what teenagers do. And from everything that you have said about your husband, it would be normal for anyone in his life on a daily basis to tell him to fuck off every now and then. Even we good fathers get that from our teenagers, and he is not a good father.
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Post by baza on Jan 22, 2018 19:58:47 GMT -5
I love the general thrust of Brother obobfla s post. But I guess the unpalatable fact is that your daughter is nearing the nominal age of adulthood, and will most likely reach that landmark before any case worker can get off their arse and make a start. She will then be an adult and entitled to do whatever she likes - and wear the consequences of those choices. Meantime, your door is - as it has been - open to her as a resource, as a mother, as a confidante / mentor. Your daughter steps through that door now - or later - or she doesn't. Unfortunately, no matter how hard we'd like it to be otherwise, you can only work on things you can control. And what our kids / adult kids do is not one of those things. Fuck. Life is hard and inequitable at times. |
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Post by tamara68 on Jan 23, 2018 6:59:38 GMT -5
obobfla, I also want my daughter to have someone to speak with, and I have told her that when I had the chance. I don't think she will look for someone to speak with. She most certainly won't like to speak with the youth care lady and I know she dislikes the mentor from school. Dad has always made clear that one can trust nobody and it is better to never confide in anyone. He is definitely not a good father. baza You are right. It is unpalatable to know that time is running out and nothing happens (or seem to happen). Caseworkers are all so convinced that they know what is best but so far the only thing they do is writing down tons of reports on how worried they are about the situation. I can more or less bear the thought that my daughter is in this situation temporarily. But it is unbearable to think that she is stuck with her dad and his lunatic example for the long term and that I have really lost her.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 23, 2018 11:03:47 GMT -5
I wish what I am about to tell you could give you more immediate comfort, but there is future hope. Here in my state of Fl. laws are getting ready to pass that will make the co-parent liable for Parental Alienation. Parental alienation is listed as a mental disorder. The co-parent causing this will have all of there visitations and parental right terminated.
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Post by tamara68 on Jan 24, 2018 13:01:02 GMT -5
I wish what I am about to tell you could give you more immediate comfort, but there is future hope. Here in my state of Fl. laws are getting ready to pass that will make the co-parent liable for Parental Alienation. Parental alienation is listed as a mental disorder. The co-parent causing this will have all of there visitations and parental right terminated. I have been looking for policy about parental alienation. In Belgium parents can be prosecuted for it, but not in the Netherlands. Not yet anyway. I also found that youth care is not very active on finding solutions for this problem. |
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Post by tamara68 on Jan 25, 2018 14:55:42 GMT -5
I have had the meeting with the case worker today. Driving two hours to get there and have almost the same conversation as last week on the phone. Case worker is reluctant of using pressure on ex and my daughter. She will try to get some form of cooperation on meeting her by a procedure via court. But she wasn't very hopeful. I hope I have convinced her to not give up.
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