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Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2017 10:19:34 GMT -5
Thank you and yes the sex issue will be addressed. He and I have discussed it some. He acknowledged it was his fault he chose not to have sex with me and said that it was excuses. We also discussed the facts that there were a lot of stresses on us especially financial, we couldn't afford Viagra even if he wanted to but now we can afford it and so if he wants sex he needs to go to the dr and take steps on his part to put forth the effort and just be honest about what he wants for himself and us. I am glad to hear this. Would you mind telling me about why you got tired of the dating apps? |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 12, 2017 10:36:40 GMT -5
"He acknowledged it was his fault he chose not to have sex with me and said that it was excuses. "
Of course it was excuses. If he had ED, he could have cared enough to use other methods to satisfy you. Yet, he preferred the arduous, family shattering process of divorce to having any kind of sex with you. What exactly caused him to swing from one extreme to another? Viagra is cheaper and easier than divorce.
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 12, 2017 10:54:53 GMT -5
Thank you and yes the sex issue will be addressed. He and I have discussed it some. He acknowledged it was his fault he chose not to have sex with me and said that it was excuses. We also discussed the facts that there were a lot of stresses on us especially financial, we couldn't afford Viagra even if he wanted to but now we can afford it and so if he wants sex he needs to go to the dr and take steps on his part to put forth the effort and just be honest about what he wants for himself and us. I am glad to hear this. Would you mind telling me about why you got tired of the dating apps? Ditto on why you tired of dating eligible males. You mentioned that at 1 point that Viagra was deemed unaffordable. Did you happen to see the information I put up for northstarmom on affordable Viagra from Canada? |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Oct 12, 2017 12:37:47 GMT -5
Oh wow bballgirl This is serious news!!! I’m happy you feel happy just now. But my “be bloody careful” radar is spinning ridiculously fast. I really really hope this goes well for you, or if it goes badly that you are able to put a stop to it swiftly. I’m sure you can. I went back after 3 1/2 years apart. The initial split was because he was violent and covertly getting my bank account in serious strife. And drinking too much and basically being a shit. We were having some sex back then though. When we got back together again (he asked and asked and asked the whole time we were apart and I stuck to my guns... until he caught me feeling particularly down one day and I agreed) we had really honest and open conversations about expectations and what was acceptable and agreed if things weren’t right we’d both be grown ups and split again. And that was 11 1/2 years ago. Please please please stay as strong as you are now and do not stand for any bullshit. Love you xxx |
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 12, 2017 13:42:30 GMT -5
Thank you and yes the sex issue will be addressed. He and I have discussed it some. He acknowledged it was his fault he chose not to have sex with me and said that it was excuses. We also discussed the facts that there were a lot of stresses on us especially financial, we couldn't afford Viagra even if he wanted to but now we can afford it and so if he wants sex he needs to go to the dr and take steps on his part to put forth the effort and just be honest about what he wants for himself and us. I am glad to hear this. Would you mind telling me about why you got tired of the dating apps? In August I met a very nice man and we went out a couple of times, talked on the phone, he asked about my kids, we fooled around a couple of times and I could tell we were compatible but I just didn't want to spend time with him because I was missing my ex and I only wanted to be with him. I felt like it's not fair for me to date a man if I'm not emotionally available because I still love my ex. |
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 12, 2017 13:52:01 GMT -5
"He acknowledged it was his fault he chose not to have sex with me and said that it was excuses. " Of course it was excuses. If he had ED, he could have cared enough to use other methods to satisfy you. Yet, he preferred the arduous, family shattering process of divorce to having any kind of sex with you. What exactly caused him to swing from one extreme to another? Viagra is cheaper and easier than divorce. He didn't prefer divorce to viagra. When I announced the divorce he was willing to do anything to prevent divorce but I was not. I was done. Throughout our marriage I was not outspoken enough to let him know how unhappy I was about the SM. I regret that, not holding him accountable for that part of marriage. There were so many hardships on our marriage and a lot for circumstances that were out of our control but we spent 23 years together and at the end of the day I still love him and want to spend time with him as long as he treats me well. So he has a second chance and time will tell. I am not the same woman he was married to in terms of communication and sexual experience.  |
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 12, 2017 14:04:32 GMT -5
I think with emotions sometimes we do not have control over them. We do not have a say in who we love. If my ex does not do his part to cultivate this relationship then he will lose me. I have changed in that now I am the type that keeps score in a relationship and I will not allow myself to be in a relationship with someone that cannot meet my needs that I want with them.
To speak more to the emotions and not having control of them...
Guilt is an emotion and some people don't cheat because they would have to deal with guilt. Jealousy is another emotion than really comes from fear and sometimes we feel these emotions even though we don't want to.
I never saw this coming with my ex that I would have love in my heart for him again but it's worth exploring. I am a stronger person and so is he and if it goes nowhere we can be ok with that too because we have both already moved on.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2017 14:48:32 GMT -5
I have to say - there's this part of me that feels like a sell out here on the forum. I finally made it to Opposite Land (and trust me it is great, My life is good) but I want to be with the ex again!? You all must think I'm nuts! Of course those of you that know me, you know I don't care what people think because it's my life but I'm just expressing how I feel , you are not the only one to wonder about the past partner. To recap my situation: I have spent the past year dating men from online dating sites. One, I think, really fell for me. And there were two whom I met with more than once, and could have made that into more; but I just wasn’t feeling it. And I’ve discovered I’ve changed since the last time I was dating (16 years ago): I can no longer be with a man I feel lukewarm about, just for the sake of having a relationship. Also, as most of you know, my mother is seriously ill. Mr. Kat, of course, knows her; and they had a good relationship. And so, sometimes when I’m feeling upset about my mom, he is exactly the right person to comfort me. Not only does he know my mom, but one of the good things about Mr. Kat is that he can be very comforting. And on top of that, Mr. Kat and I like so many of the same things, and feel the same way about a lot of things. (Actually, sometimes I think we might be too much alike.) BUT - and this is a huge BUT - I also know that I still want sex, and am not ready to shut down and be celibate yet. I still want a man who desires me physically. If Mr. Kat can’t be that, then if I get back with him, I either live celibate or have a FWB. And one man is enough trouble, ha ha. So, don’t feel like a sell-out. Know that you are not the only one to reconsider an ex when the future looks empty. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2017 15:05:27 GMT -5
In August I met a very nice man and we went out a couple of times, talked on the phone, he asked about my kids, we fooled around a couple of times and I could tell we were compatible but I just didn't want to spend time with him because I was missing my ex and I only wanted to be with him. I felt like it's not fair for me to date a man if I'm not emotionally available because I still love my ex. I understand. I am asking because Kimmie got really weary of them as well. Lots of messages, and many of them were very crude right off the bat. |
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 12, 2017 15:07:56 GMT -5
I have to say - there's this part of me that feels like a sell out here on the forum. I finally made it to Opposite Land (and trust me it is great, My life is good) but I want to be with the ex again!? You all must think I'm nuts! Of course those of you that know me, you know I don't care what people think because it's my life but I'm just expressing how I feel , you are not the only one to wonder about the past partner. To recap my situation: I have spent the past year dating men from online dating sites. One, I think, really fell for me. And there were two whom I met with more than once, and could have made that into more; but I just wasn’t feeling it. And I’ve discovered I’ve changed since the last time I was dating (16 years ago): I can no longer be with a man I feel lukewarm about, just for the sake of having a relationship. Also, as most of you know, my mother is seriously ill. Mr. Kat, of course, knows her; and they had a good relationship. And so, sometimes when I’m feeling upset about my mom, he is exactly the right person to comfort me. Not only does he know my mom, but one of the good things about Mr. Kat is that he can be very comforting. And on top of that, Mr. Kat and I like so many of the same things, and feel the same way about a lot of things. (Actually, sometimes I think we might be too much alike.) BUT - and this is a huge BUT - I also know that I still want sex, and am not ready to shut down and be celibate yet. I still want a man who desires me physically. If Mr. Kat can’t be that, then if I get back with him, I either live celibate or have a FWB. And one man is enough trouble, ha ha. So, don’t feel like a sell-out. Know that you are not the only one to reconsider an ex when the future looks empty. Thanks so much for your thoughtful response. I totally get the we may be too much alike, I get it. I also get the comforting thing because we have kids together and we still need to co parent together and vent to each other when our kids are being dumbasses. For my companionship, affection, and a fwb would do the trick for me at this point. Hugs, strength, and prayers sent to you for your mom |
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 12, 2017 15:24:31 GMT -5
In August I met a very nice man and we went out a couple of times, talked on the phone, he asked about my kids, we fooled around a couple of times and I could tell we were compatible but I just didn't want to spend time with him because I was missing my ex and I only wanted to be with him. I felt like it's not fair for me to date a man if I'm not emotionally available because I still love my ex. I understand. I am asking because Kimmie got really weary of them as well. Lots of messages, and many of them were very crude right off the bat. I did not get a lot of crude messages but I got a fair amount of messages. Most I was not interested in the men but I responded to some and went out with some. The last crude message I got a man wrote "I want you to sit on my face". That's all he said, no hello - you are beautiful - and I just couldn't help myself so I responded- I said,"oh yeah? Are you going to eat your way to my heart?" Most people on dating apps I believe are just looking for a hookup it's like finding a needle in a haystack. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2017 15:35:06 GMT -5
Yes, that is exactly what she described. She actually tells me that I am the best man she has ever met and she never thought she would find someone like me. It makes me feel wonderful to hear that. But I need to keep her hair blonde before so she won't figure out I am not that great. If her roots grow out too much she might realize it.
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 12, 2017 15:45:46 GMT -5
Yes, that is exactly what she described. She actually tells me that I am the best man she has ever met and she never thought she would find someone like me. It makes me feel wonderful to hear that. But I need to keep her hair blonde before so she won't figure out I am not that great. If her roots grow out too much she might realize it. Ha! That's funny! I know for sure she is right on the money. I really believe the men and women on this forum are more emotionally intelligent and giving than the average person out there. Partly because of the pain we have endured but it's a catch 22 - we are giving so we sacrificed ourselves and endured the pain. We compromised too much of ourselves away. It's a tough lesson to learn but better late than never. I'm so grateful to have found ILIASM forum. |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 12, 2017 17:27:18 GMT -5
"And I’ve discovered I’ve changed since the last time I was dating (16 years ago): I can no longer be with a man I feel lukewarm about, just for the sake of having a relationship"
This is probably why you are so frustrated at not yet finding a new partner. Before, you settled. You are past that now. But it takes longer to find a good partner than a Mr Barely Right for Now.
As for Mr Kat, it sounds like you are good friends still. He is a platonic friend whom you can share your life with in a friendship way. You don't have to go back to being partners with him to do that any more than you'd need to be partnered with a woman friend to talk about your life with her.
I have male friends whom I can talk intimately with. I have no desire to have sex with them nor are they interested in me that way. We talk about our lives and meet for dinner or drinks, sometimes just the 2 of us, sometimes with others including our partners,
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2017 10:35:42 GMT -5
Yes, that is exactly what she described. She actually tells me that I am the best man she has ever met and she never thought she would find someone like me. It makes me feel wonderful to hear that. But I need to keep her hair blonde before so she won't figure out I am not that great. If her roots grow out too much she might realize it. Ha! That's funny! I know for sure she is right on the money. I really believe the men and women on this forum are more emotionally intelligent and giving than the average person out there. Partly because of the pain we have endured but it's a catch 22 - we are giving so we sacrificed ourselves and endured the pain. We compromised too much of ourselves away. It's a tough lesson to learn but better late than never. I'm so grateful to have found ILIASM forum. That is what I keep trying to get across to other refused spouses. After staying in a sexless marriage for so long, we develop characteristics that make us extremely attractive to the opposite sex. |
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