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Post by nolongerlonely on Aug 23, 2017 5:46:31 GMT -5
Sorry its all still ongoing. It must be even harder to end things with someone who is fundamentally 'nice'. In my case, I became scared of my stbx, but I was also scared of the unknown that lay ahead. And feared of living an even more isolated existence than I did here. And then at times I questioned if these things are ones that everyone faces in a marriage. But if so are they faced just once, or occasionally, or as in my case, every hour of every day. And can they be discussed, or are they like mine have always been, greeted with aggression, harsh words, criticism, or just plain ignorance. With hindsight, having started the divorce process, I've only one regret, that I didnt start it a long time ago. But we all have different feelings and different needs. And if children enter the equation, then even more complications, because they all have different views, thoughts, and needs. So here is where my thought process is going. The needs. Please bballgirl, lets focus on the needs. I'm going to hazard a guess here, that all of the genuine people on this forum, are here because of their needs - and the simple fact that they werent being met. And we then realised we werent in fact needed, because our partners, or x's, didnt want us physically,and then hid behind whatever the said their feelings are or were, perhaps by telling us we are lousy lovers, or that they lack libido, or are too tired, have a headache, or some other horseshit to throw us off the scent. And some of us,despite all of that, manage to re-establish a sexual relationship with our partners, but find its not any good for them - Is it because the partner just lies there, with no response, no sharing of feelings or emotions, or what ? Well I think its because we still dont feel needed. And wanted. Because we are givers. And we love to show that desire, whether its to kiss, cuddle, hold hands, just be in the presence of that other person, or to be in bed with them, become at 'one' with each other. And we hate that, because the only reason we entered into the relationship in the first place, was borne from desire. And we thought it was mutual, and even if we thought we had it in the beginning, it was taken away one day, or maybe was never really there in the first place. But the fact is we need it back. And without it, its never going to work, because we are completely unfulfilled, unwanted. And its not a nice place to be. So, please dont go back. Be friends, have dinner. Enjoy the kids. But go out there and find someone who wants you, for who you are, and what you are. And then when you find him, everything will fall perfectly into place. And your life will be a very happy, exciting, wanted place. (although you might need cream to sit down, lol). More hugs |
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 23, 2017 7:08:57 GMT -5
Thank-you bballgirl - this is one of the most thought and emotion provoking threads I have seen yet. Wow. Oh boy can I relate all to much to the deep and wide posts on this thread. My ex-Wife has lost weight and really wants to start again - the children really want me back in the house. So complicated and emotional roller coaster - it never seems to end. People and the relationships change over time - and change again - and again - never ending process like a river that always meanders and changes its own course over time. I have decided to go slowly and see what happens - in other words - no decision or dramatic changes - I have a tendency to rush into things and charge ahead - A little wiser and go slower is where I am now. Thanks for your response. I agree slow is good. |
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 23, 2017 7:14:20 GMT -5
Sorry its all still ongoing. It must be even harder to end things with someone who is fundamentally 'nice'. In my case, I became scared of my stbx, but I was also scared of the unknown that lay ahead. And feared of living an even more isolated existence than I did here. And then at times I questioned if these things are ones that everyone faces in a marriage. But if so are they faced just once, or occasionally, or as in my case, every hour of every day. And can they be discussed, or are they like mine have always been, greeted with aggression, harsh words, criticism, or just plain ignorance. With hindsight, having started the divorce process, I've only one regret, that I didnt start it a long time ago. But we all have different feelings and different needs. And if children enter the equation, then even more complications, because they all have different views, thoughts, and needs. So here is where my thought process is going. The needs. Please bballgirl, lets focus on the needs. I'm going to hazard a guess here, that all of the genuine people on this forum, are here because of their needs - and the simple fact that they werent being met. And we then realised we werent in fact needed, because our partners, or x's, didnt want us physically,and then hid behind whatever the said their feelings are or were, perhaps by telling us we are lousy lovers, or that they lack libido, or are too tired, have a headache, or some other horseshit to throw us off the scent. And some of us,despite all of that, manage to re-establish a sexual relationship with our partners, but find its not any good for them - Is it because the partner just lies there, with no response, no sharing of feelings or emotions, or what ? Well I think its because we still dont feel needed. And wanted. Because we are givers. And we love to show that desire, whether its to kiss, cuddle, hold hands, just be in the presence of that other person, or to be in bed with them, become at 'one' with each other. And we hate that, because the only reason we entered into the relationship in the first place, was borne from desire. And we thought it was mutual, and even if we thought we had it in the beginning, it was taken away one day, or maybe was never really there in the first place. But the fact is we need it back. And without it, its never going to work, because we are completely unfulfilled, unwanted. And its not a nice place to be. So, please dont go back. Be friends, have dinner. Enjoy the kids. But go out there and find someone who wants you, for who you are, and what you are. And then when you find him, everything will fall perfectly into place. And your life will be a very happy, exciting, wanted place. (although you might need cream to sit down, lol). More hugs Thank you for your thoughtful response. I agree with everything you said. I'm not going back to him. Really the bottom line is I'm happier in Oppositeland and there are MANY reasons that I left him. At this point I'm more concerned with why I'm having these feelings and I want to give myself a chance. I will continue to date and I have a second date with a man from Bathe, England. There's definitely chemistry there and he seems like a gentleman with a naughty side so I'm going to need that cream to sit down  |
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Post by petrushka on Aug 23, 2017 9:48:26 GMT -5
bballgirl - I remember your tales of anger at being patronized, not listened to, ..... there was a lot of stuff that pissed you off; it wasn't just the no-sex thing. But the thing is: we go on and a lot of bad memories fade. (I had better not tell the story about how I allowed my parents back into my life and regretted it for 25+ years - although it worked out well for THEM). Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder. I thought we might work something out. As if. Nope - what was I thinking? They were still the same people although it looked mellower from half a globe away. I think also it's in our nature: we are the ones who hang on and hang on and hang on in a relationship that is ... um ... well, you know ... not really all that good for us because we hang on to fantasies full of treacherous hope. I wouldn't dare speculate on why you are feeling the way you say. I can see parallels however. These days I have a policy: when I am done, I am done. I can stay friends, I can be polite and courteous - but once the trust has been broken I keep my distance emotionally. I am sick of betraying myself. I am sick of getting burned. I just won't let them back in my heart. Even if it sometimes hurts me to see myself being so hard. {sigh} I still long for things, unlike you, I don't seem to be able to meet anybody with chemistry and a naughty side. It's depressing - working hard on trying not to let it get me down.
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 23, 2017 9:59:19 GMT -5
bballgirl - I remember your tales of anger at being patronized, not listened to, ..... there was a lot of stuff that pissed you off; it wasn't just the no-sex thing. But the thing is: we go on and a lot of bad memories fade. (I had better not tell the story about how I allowed my parents back into my life and regretted it for 25+ years - although it worked out well for THEM). Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder. I thought we might work something out. As if. Nope - what was I thinking? They were still the same people although it looked mellower from half a globe away. I think also it's in our nature: we are the ones who hang on and hang on and hang on in a relationship that is ... um ... well, you know ... not really all that good for us because we hang on to fantasies full of treacherous hope. I wouldn't dare speculate on why you are feeling the way you say. I can see parallels however. These days I have a policy: when I am done, I am done. I can stay friends, I can be polite and courteous - but once the trust has been broken I keep my distance emotionally. I am sick of betraying myself. I am sick of getting burned. I just won't let them back in my heart. Even if it sometimes hurts me to see myself being so hard. {sigh} I still long for things, unlike you, I don't seem to be able to meet anybody with chemistry and a naughty side. It's depressing - working hard on trying not to let it get me down. Thank you for your thoughtful response. I agree with everything you say and yes there was so much anger over so many issues. I like the part you wrote about betraying myself and you are right. I must give myself a chance in Oppositeland. |
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Post by cagedadventurer on Aug 29, 2017 8:24:10 GMT -5
bballgirl - I remember your tales of anger at being patronized, not listened to, ..... there was a lot of stuff that pissed you off; it wasn't just the no-sex thing. But the thing is: we go on and a lot of bad memories fade. (I had better not tell the story about how I allowed my parents back into my life and regretted it for 25+ years - although it worked out well for THEM). Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder. I thought we might work something out. As if. Nope - what was I thinking? They were still the same people although it looked mellower from half a globe away. I think also it's in our nature: we are the ones who hang on and hang on and hang on in a relationship that is ... um ... well, you know ... not really all that good for us because we hang on to fantasies full of treacherous hope. I wouldn't dare speculate on why you are feeling the way you say. I can see parallels however. These days I have a policy: when I am done, I am done. I can stay friends, I can be polite and courteous - but once the trust has been broken I keep my distance emotionally. I am sick of betraying myself. I am sick of getting burned. I just won't let them back in my heart. Even if it sometimes hurts me to see myself being so hard. {sigh} I still long for things, unlike you, I don't seem to be able to meet anybody with chemistry and a naughty side. It's depressing - working hard on trying not to let it get me down. Thank you for your thoughtful response. I agree with everything you say and yes there was so much anger over so many issues. I like the part you wrote about betraying myself and you are right. I must give myself a chance in Oppositeland. I read and so relate to your heart-felt post bballgirl. My wife refers to us as the unit and gets sad as the kids grow and begin doing their own thing. As stated above, it is so true, we forget the daily pain so quickly. There is a reason people across the whole world strive for a strong, healthy and loving family unit. It is worth striving for. Everything else is temporal-though we want to share that temporal with those we love and who love us. It just seems like the perfect paradox where what we have and love can also run with this attached pain of rejection -continuous rejection. No easy answers as we all know. But meanwhile, the time spent as a unit without expectations may make for a new beginning and maybe a new maturity in him. Take it a day at a time and enjoy each moment as a unit. |
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 29, 2017 8:34:38 GMT -5
Thank you for your thoughtful response. I agree with everything you say and yes there was so much anger over so many issues. I like the part you wrote about betraying myself and you are right. I must give myself a chance in Oppositeland. I read and so relate to your heart-felt post bballgirl. My wife refers to us as the unit and gets sad as the kids grow and begin doing their own thing. As stated above, it is so true, we forget the daily pain so quickly. There is a reason people across the whole world strive for a strong, healthy and loving family unit. It is worth striving for. Everything else is temporal-though we want to share that temporal with those we love and who love us. It just seems like the perfect paradox where what we have and love can also run with this attached pain of rejection -continuous rejection. No easy answers as we all know. But meanwhile, the time spent as a unit without expectations may make for a new beginning and maybe a new maturity in him. Take it a day at a time and enjoy each moment as a unit. Thank you for your thoughtful response. I appreciate it. |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 29, 2017 12:44:58 GMT -5
"It is worth striving for. Everything else is temporal-though we want to share that temporal with those we love and who love us."
EVERYthing is temporal. Even the best marriages will end with death. If one is in a not so good marriage, it, too will end in death or divorce.
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 11, 2017 10:26:08 GMT -5
Update: I'm not struggling so much right now. I was dating a nice man at the beginning of August and we had been affectionate, intimate but no intercourse. I went on 2 dates with him and I cancelled two. I couldn't get my ex husband out of my mind. I would cry at work because I missed him and I wanted to do the things we did together even though sex wasn't one of them. So as I always would say on EP, "find your happiness" and I felt like spending time with him and trying again would make me happy. So I sent him a text and I wrote,"Ever since we went to Meet the Teacher and out to dinner I have missed you, the way we used to be, the family unit. It actually started in July where I found myself missing you but that night at dinner really magnified my thoughts. I don't think the divorce was the wrong thing and I don't regret it. Our marriage was dead but we have so much history together and the kids and I was wondering if you would want to try again, date each other, see if we can get back to affection and romantic love for each other. Of course I love you. I always did and always will because the kids will always connect us. I completely understand if you aren't interested and I can accept that". He called me and said "yes". That we need to take it slow and spend time together. I felt at peace. I was tired of dating apps and dating men when the man I have the most in common with is my ex. Then the hurricane hit (Irma) and we decided be together at his house as a family. He came to my house cleaned my garage so I could get my car in it. During the storm we enjoyed each other's company platonically and we were united and working together to secure things. He hugged me privately so the kids didn't see, we do not want to confuse them until we figure this out, and told me he's glad I'm there with him. After the storm I stayed the rest of the week, slept in the downstairs bedroom, and we played house together. We went grocery shopping and ran errands together and he was participating, he never did before but he has had to the past couple of years and I think he's grown because of it. We discussed issues that were problems with the marriage things that we each did not like about each other, (my list was longer ). So we are going to spend time together and see if we can rekindle our love. This past weekend we went out for breakfast and had a big talk in my car again discussing problems with the marriage and solutions. After breakfast he grabbed my hand, kissed me softly and told me he loves me. So time will tell and we will try to have a relationship together. I had so much anger towards him when I left my marriage but I have healed from that and my love is still there for him. I told him I need him to be romantic with me, to kiss me, cuddle, be intimate. So we will see. The beauty of the situation is I'm not married to him, we live separately, and either we cultivate this relationship or we don't. At the moment I'm happy and I feel like I have nothing to lose. |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 11, 2017 10:57:55 GMT -5
I truly wish you well as you explore this. In wondering how you reconcile your new hopes for a romantic relationship with your ex with the two decades of being refused by him. He sounds like a good coparent, platonic friend or compatible roommate. He doesn't sound like a good choice for romance with you. I've never seen someone successfully get themselves to develop sexual feelings for s person they don't naturally lust for.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 11, 2017 11:08:56 GMT -5
Definitely un-chartered waters for most of us!- unless you count all those years of being platonic roommates, together but not really together- I still have concerns for the children? I am sure you do too. My concern is the mixed messages. Please take it slow and easy, the turtle wins the race.
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 11, 2017 11:10:21 GMT -5
I truly wish you well as you explore this. In wondering how you reconcile your new hopes for a romantic relationship with your ex with the two decades of being refused by him. He sounds like a good coparent, platonic friend or compatible roommate. He doesn't sound like a good choice for romance with you. I've never seen someone successfully get themselves to develop sexual feelings for s person they don't naturally lust for. You make a great point and my ex has health issues that may prevent him from being able to be sexual but we will explore if Viagra will work for him. If he doesn't want sex with I can actually live with that too, it's not a dealbreaker but I will not be celibate. Still very early to see how this will play out. Honestly I'm shocked that my emotions have gone here but maybe we don't always have control over who we love. |
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 11, 2017 11:11:31 GMT -5
Definitely un-chartered waters for most of us!- unless you count all those years of being platonic roommates, together but not really together- I still have concerns for the children? I am sure you do too. My concern is the mixed messages. Please take it slow and easy, the turtle wins the race. Yes we are being cautious about the children and not rushing anything. |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 11, 2017 11:29:07 GMT -5
"You make a great point and my ex has health issues that may prevent him from being able to be sexual but we will explore if Viagra will work for him. If he doesn't want sex with I can actually live with that too, it's not a dealbreaker but I will not be celibate. "
If sex were a priority in his life, he would have explored viagra long ago whether or not he had a partner. He would still have wanted to have erections and orgasms. My partner hadn't gotten laid or been in a relationship for a year when we started dating. But he was taking t shots and cialis because he didn't feel like himself without a sex drive or being able to get hard.
If you are thinking that if your ex can't sexually function, you'd have affairs, why consider being with him as a romantic partner? You could always be just friends with him even sometimes seeing a movie together without being a couple. I live with my post sm boyfriend. Still, I sometimes hang out with guy friends. The guys are strictly platonic. They are fsu, asexual or happily in relationships with someone else. I have no sexual interest with them nor do I think they are sexually interested in me. I do sometimes enjoy their company just like I enjoy my women friends.
Becoming a couple again with your ex even in an open relationship would greatly lower your odds of connecting with a guy who'd be able supply romance, sex and friendship in a romantic relationship.
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 11, 2017 11:43:11 GMT -5
"If you are thinking that if your ex can't sexually function, you'd have affairs, why consider being with him as a romantic partner? You could always be just friends with him "
Trust me I am fully aware of what I am getting myself into here.
Why would I do this?
I love him and I want his companionship. I want to take trips with him and go to dinner and a movie with him,
I don't want to date other men.
Partly to have my family back together.
The financial benefit of not supporting 2 households if it did work out and we got back together under one roof.
Most after a divorce are not better off financially but the divorce enabled us both to improve our situations, we are both earning more with our jobs, and I really think we have both grown emotionally and mentally from the divorce.
I'm eyes wide open and I promise I won't be celibate.
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