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Post by bballgirl on Aug 19, 2017 17:42:40 GMT -5
This month I've been struggling emotionally and missing my ex at times. It started when the movie Atomic Blonde came out the end of July I believe. It was the sort of movie I would have seen with my ex and I wanted to see it with him.
It seems with the divorce he has become more responsible, more present as a dad (because he had to), and a better person. He has not moved on or dated anyone. He is still very wrapped up in coaching and baseball, it's his thing, he loves it.
We stay in communication about the kids and once a week he calls me to tell me about a program he saw or something in the news. We are friends and the divorce was amicable.
So here's the thing...
I'm struggling emotionally, I miss him, the family unit, the way we can have a conversation and laugh about the same things or appreciate the same restaurants, movies, sporting teams, etc.
There was a lot we did have in common except for our sex drives and that tore a huge hole in our marriage and corroded it. I felt rejected for 2 decades but I loved him and I still do I'm just not "in love" with him because of of all the rejection and what it did to my psyche.
I needed to repair my self esteem, confidence, and just me in general. I needed to be free to have sex and not be celibate. I needed to be divorced to do that, I didn't want to cheat and sneak around - that's not me.
So last week we had the meet the teacher for my daughter who is in elementary school. He went for the first time. I've been doing this since 2008 and I never minded but when you come out of the fog and realize you are in a SM you resent everything they don't do in addition to not fucking you, and I basically did everything. Back to Meet the Teacher... So afterwards he asked if we can all go to dinner together and it was the four of us all together in my car. The family unit was together, I enjoyed it so much. My ex and I sat across from each other, we were very comfortable, laughed a lot and I had a really nice time. I missed that so much. So lately I've been missing him and the family unit. I've been crying a lot. I've been thinking crazy thoughts.
I've been thinking that maybe I would want to see if my ex and I could date again and try again with affection and love with the stipulation that if he doesn't want sex with me that I can have a fwb in an open relationship where there is honesty about it.
I know this is crazy. I even had a date last weekend to meet a guy for coffee. I almost cancelled but forced myself to go. I had a great time. We made out in my car. He has asked me out for next weekend when I don't have the kids.
I'm torn and giving this guy a chance. I'm not running back to my ex by any means but these are just the crazy thoughts in my head lately.
I'm not angry with my ex anymore, I still don't know "why" and I think I'm going to need to have that conversation with him at some point to ease my mind. I just miss him and it makes me sad at times.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 19, 2017 19:04:00 GMT -5
I wanted to respond to you, you've helped me so much in the past and present. Mostly I wanted to give you "hugs"!!!
I am sometimes a bit "disturbed" at how much the court system is big on "co-parenting, immediate reconciliation, and getting along like nothing happened".
So I did some reading. Here's some questions- and statements- that hopefully will be helpful in talking this out.
"I miss him, the family unit"
"there was a lot we had in common except for our sex drives"
"It was the four of all together in my car, The family unit was together, I missed that so much"
"I've been missing him and the family unit".
I read a lot of concern for family, in this? I don't see much concern for self? Isn't that what kept you in the SM for all those years?
You also talk about needing more than sex, but a relationship with another man. (I think that's fantastic, by the way!)
Do you think you are having moments of fear? Fears of if only I did things a bit different? Or their won't be someone else out there who can be their father, be a family, and be my husband? So maybe I'll calm my fear by settling for 2 out of three? Then arrange a side life?
When love relationships end, we tend to respond with the feeling that is at the root of our behavior. If it is rejection, we feel rejected;if guilt we feel that. Unfortunately, such a feeling may be so great that one is not strong enough to endure it and let go at the same time.
If you are having a difficult time letting go, ask yourself, "what feeling would I feel the strongest if I did let go of my ex-love? Maybe your reluctance to let go is actually covering up your inability to face yet another painful feeling?
For instance, you may be afraid to let go because it will force you to deal directly with your fear of being alone, or that you and the kids are not a whole family. So you avoid feeling alone or being less of a family, by not letting go. By co-parenting as much as possible. You will probably have to face that feeling directly before you will be able to let it go.
Do YOU have a councilor to help YOU when YOU need that kind of support?
Continue to invest in yourself.
Continue to emotionally invest in your own personal growth instead of in the dead relationship. There is no return on an investment in the relationship's emotional corpse. The greatest possible return comes from investment in yourself.
Helping the children to let go.
Even if their is joint custody, the children still have to deal with two different lifestyles in two different homes. It is hoped that the children will not have to let go of the quality of their relationships with both parents.
Children may have difficulty, however, in dealing with their parents ability to let go or not. This may become an important rebuilding block for children if they continually hear from one parent about all of the good things (or bad things) the other parent is doing. If the parents have not let go of the relationship, the children will tend to get caught in either the positive or negative feelings between the parents. this will prolong the adjustment process for the children.
What you are going through sounds quite normal! Emotional struggles for the good of the family. Yet once again, denying one self. One thing you have not mentioned-- The gambling. That hidden fear would be a tough one to overcome. Do you really need to go there?
I hope I am not way off, or sound demeaning in any way. I want you to find comfort, acceptance , and HOPE in my posts.
YOU DESERVE IT!
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2017 19:54:06 GMT -5
I wish I had time to properly reply, but I'm sending a big hug your way for now. And thank you for being so honest with your experience.
Hang in there. Sending you love and support!
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 19, 2017 20:02:01 GMT -5
greatcoastalThank you for your thoughtful response. I know that my thought process isn't so rational right now. I'm not going to do anything crazy in regards to the ex. I'm staying the course in Oppositeland. I don't fear being alone. I'm just trying to be self aware of my emotions and this forum is always a helpful outlet for me to cope. Thank you I will reread your response and really think about some of your questions to figure it out.
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 19, 2017 20:02:33 GMT -5
I wish I had time to properly reply, but I'm sending a big hug your way for now. And thank you for being so honest with your experience. Hang in there. Sending you love and support! Xoxo |
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Post by Caris on Aug 19, 2017 20:12:57 GMT -5
This month I've been struggling emotionally and missing my ex at times. It started when the movie Atomic Blonde came out the end of July I believe. It was the sort of movie I would have seen with my ex and I wanted to see it with him. It seems with the divorce he has become more responsible, more present as a dad (because he had to), and a better person. He has not moved on or dated anyone. He is still very wrapped up in coaching and baseball, it's his thing, he loves it. We stay in communication about the kids and once a week he calls me to tell me about a program he saw or something in the news. We are friends and the divorce was amicable. So here's the thing... I'm struggling emotionally, I miss him, the family unit, the way we can have a conversation and laugh about the same things or appreciate the same restaurants, movies, sporting teams, etc. There was a lot we did have in common except for our sex drives and that tore a huge hole in our marriage and corroded it. I felt rejected for 2 decades but I loved him and I still do I'm just not "in love" with him because of of all the rejection and what it did to my psyche. I needed to repair my self esteem, confidence, and just me in general. I needed to be free to have sex and not be celibate. I needed to be divorced to do that, I didn't want to cheat and sneak around - that's not me. So last week we had the meet the teacher for my daughter who is in elementary school. He went for the first time. I've been doing this since 2008 and I never minded but when you come out of the fog and realize you are in a SM you resent everything they don't do in addition to not fucking you, and I basically did everything. Back to Meet the Teacher... So afterwards he asked if we can all go to dinner together and it was the four of us all together in my car. The family unit was together, I enjoyed it so much. My ex and I sat across from each other, we were very comfortable, laughed a lot and I had a really nice time. I missed that so much. So lately I've been missing him and the family unit. I've been crying a lot. I've been thinking crazy thoughts. I've been thinking that maybe I would want to see if my ex and I could date again and try again with affection and love with the stipulation that if he doesn't want sex with me that I can have a fwb in an open relationship where there is honesty about it. I know this is crazy. I even had a date last weekend to meet a guy for coffee. I almost cancelled but forced myself to go. I had a great time. We made out in my car. He has asked me out for next weekend when I don't have the kids. I'm torn and giving this guy a chance. I'm not running back to my ex by any means but these are just the crazy thoughts in my head lately. I'm not angry with my ex anymore, I still don't know "why" and I think I'm going to need to have that conversation with him at some point to ease my mind. I just miss him and it makes me sad at times. I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal and natural. Who of us didn't want to have our marriages work out, and have that wonderful family unit, and all that goes with it? You are still grieving this loss of family togetherness. You started dating pretty much right away (if I'm wrong, I apologize), and you seemed to be having a ball...no pun intended...but your grief was stuffed down, and has to come out at some time, and perhaps this is what is happening now. I wish to God my marriage had worked out, but it didn't, but it doesn't stop me from wishing it. I think your idea, if he's amenable, may work, but maybe wait, have more family outings, and see how he is with you. See if he's coming closer to you too. Big hugs. 🤗 |
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 19, 2017 20:25:51 GMT -5
This month I've been struggling emotionally and missing my ex at times. It started when the movie Atomic Blonde came out the end of July I believe. It was the sort of movie I would have seen with my ex and I wanted to see it with him. It seems with the divorce he has become more responsible, more present as a dad (because he had to), and a better person. He has not moved on or dated anyone. He is still very wrapped up in coaching and baseball, it's his thing, he loves it. We stay in communication about the kids and once a week he calls me to tell me about a program he saw or something in the news. We are friends and the divorce was amicable. So here's the thing... I'm struggling emotionally, I miss him, the family unit, the way we can have a conversation and laugh about the same things or appreciate the same restaurants, movies, sporting teams, etc. There was a lot we did have in common except for our sex drives and that tore a huge hole in our marriage and corroded it. I felt rejected for 2 decades but I loved him and I still do I'm just not "in love" with him because of of all the rejection and what it did to my psyche. I needed to repair my self esteem, confidence, and just me in general. I needed to be free to have sex and not be celibate. I needed to be divorced to do that, I didn't want to cheat and sneak around - that's not me. So last week we had the meet the teacher for my daughter who is in elementary school. He went for the first time. I've been doing this since 2008 and I never minded but when you come out of the fog and realize you are in a SM you resent everything they don't do in addition to not fucking you, and I basically did everything. Back to Meet the Teacher... So afterwards he asked if we can all go to dinner together and it was the four of us all together in my car. The family unit was together, I enjoyed it so much. My ex and I sat across from each other, we were very comfortable, laughed a lot and I had a really nice time. I missed that so much. So lately I've been missing him and the family unit. I've been crying a lot. I've been thinking crazy thoughts. I've been thinking that maybe I would want to see if my ex and I could date again and try again with affection and love with the stipulation that if he doesn't want sex with me that I can have a fwb in an open relationship where there is honesty about it. I know this is crazy. I even had a date last weekend to meet a guy for coffee. I almost cancelled but forced myself to go. I had a great time. We made out in my car. He has asked me out for next weekend when I don't have the kids. I'm torn and giving this guy a chance. I'm not running back to my ex by any means but these are just the crazy thoughts in my head lately. I'm not angry with my ex anymore, I still don't know "why" and I think I'm going to need to have that conversation with him at some point to ease my mind. I just miss him and it makes me sad at times. I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal and natural. Who of us didn't want to have our marriages work out, and have that wonderful family unit, and all that goes with it? You are still grieving this loss of family togetherness. You started dating pretty much right away (if I'm wrong, I apologize), and you seemed to be having a ball...no pun intended...but your grief was stuffed down, and has to come out at some time, and perhaps this is what is happening now. I wish to God my marriage had worked out, but it didn't, but it doesn't stop me from wishing it. I think your idea, if he's amenable, may work, but maybe wait, have more family outings, and see how he is with you. See if he's coming closer to you too. Big hugs. 🤗 Thank you xoxo |
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Post by baza on Aug 19, 2017 20:33:02 GMT -5
It is quite possible Sister bballgirl , that your former husband has undergone some level of personal growth through these events too. He may well be a better person now than he was in the lead up events to the divorce. You'd fucking well hope so wouldn't you (?) as he was starting from a pretty low base. But truly, your story reads to me as a reasonably functional relationship you now have with your ex husband, based on reality. Indeed, the relationship may have further growth in it, appropriate to todays reality. If you can, cut yourself a bit of slack. You have been on a rocket launched mission of personal growth. He has perhaps been on a personal growth path of some sort as well. Probably, your kids are likewise engaged in personal growth too. And these things will all play their part in re-defining and refining the interwoven relationship between you all. What will it end up as being ? Possibly a really solid friendship I'd speculate. Without going too far over the top, your post reads like a 'good news' story to me. It all seems to be reality based, and that's a real good thing. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2017 20:33:17 GMT -5
bballgirl, I don't think your thoughts are crazy at all. Geeze, that's THE FAMILY UNIT. I'm already missing mine, and I still freaking live here. And thank you for posting this so timely after baza posted this: iliasm.org/post/75950/threadLots of folks have reported this. Particularly when the marriage was pretty good except for the sex. My kids used to brag about how great our family was. That's a thing of the past. They're both just trudging through. Your (collective) attitudes seem so good right now. I think I'd ask him what the deal with the sexlessness really is. Maybe he's rethought that. I don't know. Honestly, I'm a little jealous that you mostly got along with your X-husband. I can't say I ever have gotten along well with my wife. But these days, she's being kind to me. In her way. Still very sarcastic, but in our current state, her sarcasm doesn't seem to have the barbs. If you can get your family back, that's such a great thing. Maybe you both have grown some. And Kudos for the civility! I'm shooting for that, but my wife says "No Way". But she's mostly nice! Maybe she's changing some too.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 19, 2017 20:37:55 GMT -5
greatcoastal Thank you for your thoughtful response. I know that my thought process isn't so rational right now. I'm not going to do anything crazy in regards to the ex. I'm staying the course in Oppositeland. I don't fear being alone. I'm just trying to be self aware of my emotions and this forum is always a helpful outlet for me to cope. Thank you I will reread your response and really think about some of your questions to figure it out. Sounds like a faze. You will get through it, but it sure is damn good to talk about it!! Whats that song "Emotional Rescue?" |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 19, 2017 21:09:15 GMT -5
*Hugs* bballgirlWho doesnt enjoy a good family outing together? Maybe you can try for another one some time soon. In the mean time, keep dating. Im sure there are some lucky guys out there just waiting to date you. |
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Post by Venus Erotes on Aug 19, 2017 21:19:30 GMT -5
Hi bballgirl! I hear you. The family unit is a bonding experience for all of you. It's great for the kids ad great for you as parents too. An open relationship could work for you both if he can deal with it. Hubs offered it, but he struggles when I am out. That's his issue, not mine. One thing I will say for sure - I learned today that people who have known me over the past 3 years recognize how much happier I am because of the change in my marriage. They don't know there was a change, and they don't need to. My lifestyle is not considered normal so I don't discuss it out of respect for hubs and the kids, but it was the best change in my life and had had the most positive impact. Hubs is and will always be my family. He's not a husband, and he hasn't been for forever, if ever. He is a broken man with issues who loves me enough to let me go from the bounds of society. (((HUGS))) |
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Post by JMX on Aug 19, 2017 21:55:17 GMT -5
Oh bballgirl - I love you so. I appreciate your honesty. I cannot tell you great tales of Opposite Land - hell, I can't even get to Cheaterville. I have read all positions, save this one, but the ones I have read in the past - most give me hope, and some a tinge of "I don't believe that". How brave you are!!!! (That must be said again) The main difference between my husband and me is that I tend to tell EVERYONE (and not hold back one iota here) about how shitty our relationship actually is, and has been. All at once. But in the middle - there are times I don't write about here. The times he is kind and sweet and actually loving. If I read about the really, really bad old days, the shivers up my spine tell me to run. It's not what I want, but I married him loving the things about him that now make me angry. I loved that he thought before he spoke. I did not know that meant a lifetime of banging my head against a wall - but, I KNEW that about him. Most recently, we argued in his truck about a car pulling into the right lane (while he was in the left). He swerved into the turn lane (unnecessarily) and cussed the car for making him feel unsafe. I reacted with "well, that was a bit of an overreaction?" He proceeded to cuss me up and down (in front of the girls) and I kept debating his stance, but never raising my voice. He ended it with: "why can't you ever JUST BE ON MY SIDE?" Hmph. I stewed about this for a day and a half and waited for an apology. I told myself I had no more fucks to give. I was done. I then started thinking about the "why can't you just be on my side" bit and realized it was his reality. I am not on his side according to him. The next night - he apologized. By this time, I had softened. I asked him to not apologize to me - I preferred he was outlandishly arguing with me over minutiae than brushing it under the rug and punishing me silently, but he needed to apologize to the girls so they didn't pick partners that would speak to them that way. He went to each girl separately, sincerely apologized for his actions and language. I thanked him later and let him know that I was a safe place for him to practice his emotions. Even if I don't like it, I am willing to take on verbal abuse so he can work through how to communicate and not stonewall. I vacillate wildly between leaving versus staying. The truth of the matter is - I am not sure I am myself just yet. Maybe when I find myself - I will know. Maybe not. I gather this entire thing you are going through is at least worthy of a deep-dive. You are currently getting sex (of that I envy!) but not much emotional connection which I know I want and I know you want as well. The family unit pulls on that more than anything. If you think that part can be restored, if you think you can get sex with hubby or outside with agreement - I say go for it! But build the emotional side back up first. |
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 19, 2017 22:42:49 GMT -5
Oh bballgirl - I love you so. I appreciate your honesty. I cannot tell you great tales of Opposite Land - hell, I can't even get to Cheaterville. I have read all positions, save this one, but the ones I have read in the past - most give me hope, and some a tinge of "I don't believe that". How brave you are!!!! (That must be said again) The main difference between my husband and me is that I tend to tell EVERYONE (and not hold back one iota here) about how shitty our relationship actually is, and has been. All at once. But in the middle - there are times I don't write about here. The times he is kind and sweet and actually loving. If I read about the really, really bad old days, the shivers up my spine tell me to run. It's not what I want, but I married him loving the things about him that now make me angry. I loved that he thought before he spoke. I did not know that meant a lifetime of banging my head against a wall - but, I KNEW that about him. Most recently, we argued in his truck about a car pulling into the right lane (while he was in the left). He swerved into the turn lane (unnecessarily) and cussed the car for making him feel unsafe. I reacted with "well, that was a bit of an overreaction?" He proceeded to cuss me up and down (in front of the girls) and I kept debating his stance, but never raising my voice. He ended it with: "why can't you ever JUST BE ON MY SIDE?" Hmph. I stewed about this for a day and a half and waited for an apology. I told myself I had no more fucks to give. I was done. I then started thinking about the "why can't you just be on my side" bit and realized it was his reality. I am not on his side according to him. The next night - he apologized. By this time, I had softened. I asked him to not apologize to me - I preferred he was outlandishly arguing with me over minutiae than brushing it under the rug and punishing me silently, but he needed to apologize to the girls so they didn't pick partners that would speak to them that way. He went to each girl separately, sincerely apologized for his actions and language. I thanked him later and let him know that I was a safe place for him to practice his emotions. Even if I don't like it, I am willing to take on verbal abuse so he can work through how to communicate and not stonewall. I vacillate wildly between leaving versus staying. The truth of the matter is - I am not sure I am myself just yet. Maybe when I find myself - I will know. Maybe not. I gather this entire thing you are going through is at least worthy of a deep-dive. You are currently getting sex (of that I envy!) but not much emotional connection which I know I want and I know you want as well. The family unit pulls on that more than anything. If you think that part can be restored, if you think you can get sex with hubby or outside with agreement - I say go for it! But build the emotional side back up first. I love you too. Xoxo |
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 19, 2017 22:45:19 GMT -5
Hugs, bballgirl. And kudos for sharing openly here. It's not all rainbows and puppies. I think what you're experiencing is normal. What you'll need to work out is whether you're missing the comfort and familiarity, or whether you really have feelings for him (and is it realistic). First, I'd encourage you to go back and re-read a bunch of your writings and journaling over the last couple years. It's the light of a new day - maybe the issues will seem more tolerable now, or maybe you'll get a refresher in how you got here and why you should stay out. But... don't feel guilty regardless of your choice. This is your life, and you've done what seems to be prudent and necessary at the time. If you got back together with him, you'd hardly be the first couple to reconcile after divorce. Just maybe, an extreme reset could enable a restart; a sincere effort, and an objective evaluation. No cloud of "I didn't take her seriously" and "I'm way past being checked out". But, wrinkle... you have no dating weekends free - one of you always has the kids... (You probably don't want to test the waters with the kids' awareness because it'll mess with them emotionally.) DC |
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