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Post by WindSister on Aug 21, 2017 8:22:49 GMT -5
Your honesty is always appreciated, Bballgirl. As I read through this thread it brings up the very fears I have had to work through when it comes to exes (as in my husband's exes). At first it made me so physically ill to think of other women thinking fond thoughts of him, the shared "special memories," etc. I mean it really did and I know most don't understand me for feeling that way, but it was a real thing I had to work through. I had good memories with my ex, too, but our relationship was so indifferent, so dead, I am sure I didn't have as many as I know my husband had with his ex wife and/or ex girlfriend.
But, yes -- a relationship is not a thing (unmatched talked about that in another thread). It's DYNAMICS between two people. The space between two people. People DO change with different people. I am a different woman with my husband than I was with my ex. I know for a fact, based on opinions from him and his kids, that my husband is a different person with me than he was with his ex wife and his ex-girlfriend. WE, together, are better people. Our relationship, the space between us is filled with all the things I missed in the one with my ex - no, it's not a fairyland and I am not trying to sell it as one, but the reality is that it IS filled with mutual respect, adoration, appreciation, passion, enthusiasm, intimacy... all that good stuff. WE, together, keep the space positive and work on it.
It was not possible for my husband to be this man with his exwife. The space between them didn't allow for it. Yes, he is a better man (he admits it all day long). She is different without him, too. My ex seems to be a better man without me, in a new relationship, too. I know I am a better woman.
So, yes, there are memories, good times shared, and a love that will likely never die (I can say and think that without needing to puke now), but the fact remains some people are better NOT together. And I know you know that. Just kind of sharing how I worked through stuff.
Very powerful stuff, for sure. Sending love as you work through the hard days. Chin up, keep pressing on!! This life stuff gets hard, huh? But there are so many great moments, too. You have lots of great moments heading your way!
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 21, 2017 8:55:46 GMT -5
Your honesty is always appreciated, Bballgirl. As I read through this thread it brings up the very fears I have had to work through when it comes to exes (as in my husband's exes). At first it made me so physically ill to think of other women thinking fond thoughts of him, the shared "special memories," etc. I mean it really did and I know most don't understand me for feeling that way, but it was a real thing I had to work through. I had good memories with my ex, too, but our relationship was so indifferent, so dead, I am sure I didn't have as many as I know my husband had with his ex wife and/or ex girlfriend. But, yes -- a relationship is not a thing (unmatched talked about that in another thread). It's DYNAMICS between two people. The space between two people. People DO change with different people. I am a different woman with my husband than I was with my ex. I know for a fact, based on opinions from him and his kids, that my husband is a different person with me than he was with his ex wife and his ex-girlfriend. WE, together, are better people. Our relationship, the space between us is filled with all the things I missed in the one with my ex - no, it's not a fairyland and I am not trying to sell it as one, but the reality is that it IS filled with mutual respect, adoration, appreciation, passion, enthusiasm, intimacy... all that good stuff. WE, together, keep the space positive and work on it. It was not possible for my husband to be this man with his exwife. The space between them didn't allow for it. Yes, he is a better man (he admits it all day long). She is different without him, too. My ex seems to be a better man without me, in a new relationship, too. I know I am a better woman. So, yes, there are memories, good times shared, and a love that will likely never die (I can say and think that without needing to puke now), but the fact remains some people are better NOT together. And I know you know that. Just kind of sharing how I worked through stuff. Very powerful stuff, for sure. Sending love as you work through the hard days. Chin up, keep pressing on!! This life stuff gets hard, huh? But there are so many great moments, too. You have lots of great moments heading your way! Thank you for your response it all makes sense. It's like I have a devil and angel on my shoulder and two opposing thought processes that are wrestling with each other. On the one hand: There were so many financial strains on our marriage and by getting a divorce it enabled those problems to disappear. So part of me wonders if we were to Start Again, clean slate, see if there's a connection, see if there can be chemistry. Not live together just enjoy each other's company and see if we can work torwards living together again. If sex with him is not an option I can probably accept that because at this point I don't want sex with him. The other thought process is: (as you state) There's a reason I divorced him. I know the whole she bang is out there and I don't want to give up on that. I don't want to settle. I am feeling better today, a lot less emotional. I have a coffee date Tuesday night, Friday night out with friends, Saturday a second dinner date, at some point I'm hoping to see my fwb, - so I'm not lonely but ultimately I need that connection of someone caring about me and wanting to spend time with me in addition to sex of course lol. It just seems like sex isn't as big as a void and rightly so - last month I had sex 10 out of 31 days. This month nothing but I'm not going insane, maybe a little lol - it just feels normal not the abnormality of a SM. So I am going to journal a lot these next few months and try to figure out what exactly I want for myself and what direction I want to go in. |
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Post by WindSister on Aug 21, 2017 9:19:29 GMT -5
It's like I have a devil and angel on my shoulder and two opposing thought processes that are wrestling with each other. On the one hand: There were so many financial strains on our marriage and by getting a divorce it enabled those problems to disappear. So part of me wonders if we were to Start Again, clean slate, see if there's a connection, see if there can be chemistry. Not live together just enjoy each other's company and see if we can work torwards living together again. If sex with him is not an option I can probably accept that because at this point I don't want sex with him. The other thought process is: (as you state) There's a reason I divorced him. I know the whole she bang is out there and I don't want to give up on that. I don't want to settle. I am feeling better today, a lot less emotional. I have a coffee date Tuesday night, Friday night out with friends, Saturday a second dinner date, at some point I'm hoping to see my fwb, - so I'm not lonely but ultimately I need that connection of someone caring about me and wanting to spend time with me in addition to sex of course lol. It just seems like sex isn't as big as a void and rightly so - last month I had sex 10 out of 31 days. This month nothing but I'm not going insane, maybe a little lol - it just feels normal not the abnormality of a SM. So I am going to journal a lot these next few months and try to figure out what exactly I want for myself and what direction I want to go in. Your thoughts make sense, too!! Journaling is always a great idea.  I know when I hit my lowest point, I really gave myself a good pep talk and got REALLY clear, through writing in my "journal" (which was a pad of yellow legal paper, lol) what I wanted. A powerful thing that helped me along was "You are not being punished, you just haven't met "him" yet." "None of the men in my life are "him" -- hold out for "him." Not saying it will work the same for you, I am sure you will come up with your own pep talk, but that was so much strength for me. It's hard when it seems like others find love so easily, without struggle and there I was, meeting lots of men, having lots of sex but didn't have that ONE who REALLY cared. He's out there, though, believe it. Hold out for it. It's worth it. Maybe --- and this just came to me --- maybe you want some traits of your ex, but in a different man that also brings the ability for intimacy, romance, sex. Right before I met my husband I started to long for an ex, too, (a long ago ex from high school, but still an ex). I actually fantasized heading to my hometown and running into him... lol. You have had lots of great sex and that helped you in a lot of ways, now you are looking for the whole package. My journey was a lot like that, too, I did get out there, met LOTS of men and I am not ashamed to say, I had some pretty wild endeavors. It helped me, it changed me. But, yes, after awhile I wanted more (sex AND love). Anyway, so yes, writing in a journal is big help and I really think, if I can get mystical for a second, sometimes it ties us to something out there -- our higher self? God? Universe? I don't know -- but writing is powerful. I feel a need to get back to it for my own reasons. Good luck to you!!! Thanks for sharing with us. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2017 15:52:35 GMT -5
Thanks for posting this, bballgirl. I DO know how it feels. Mr. Kat and I had The Talk™ just about a year and a half ago. I still see him maybe once a month, once every 5 weeks or so. We still share things on Fakebook. The past few months, I have realized: we get along so much better, now that I expect so little from him. We still have a lot in common, still have the same feelings and ideas about the world. And sometimes I get tired of being by myself. I'd love to just have someone around more often. I'd like not having to do all the "management" parts of life alone. And I wonder if the (formerly good) relationship with Mr. Kat is the last time I'll ever have that with a man. But then I remember - even though we get along well on our visits, he STILL doesn't show any signs at all of sexuality. None. If I got back with him, he would probably insist that it had to be on his terms (premature old age and celibacy.) And most likely, I would come to resent that. Just like I did before. It's never easy, I guess. |
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 21, 2017 16:51:23 GMT -5
Thanks for posting this, bballgirl. I DO know how it feels. Mr. Kat and I had The Talk™ just about a year and a half ago. I still see him maybe once a month, once every 5 weeks or so. We still share things on Fakebook. The past few months, I have realized: we get along so much better, now that I expect so little from him. We still have a lot in common, still have the same feelings and ideas about the world. And sometimes I get tired of being by myself. I'd love to just have someone around more often. I'd like not having to do all the "management" parts of life alone. And I wonder if the (formerly good) relationship with Mr. Kat is the last time I'll ever have that with a man. But then I remember - even though we get along well on our visits, he STILL doesn't show any signs at all of sexuality. None. If I got back with him, he would probably insist that it had to be on his terms (premature old age and celibacy.) And most likely, I would come to resent that. Just like I did before. It's never easy, I guess. Yes I understand that and celibacy would not be acceptable- it would have to be on my terms and trust me I would have terms, first being an open relationship. I would need there to be affection and companionship between ex and I. It's probably not a realistic idea, there is a reason we are divorced. |
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Post by obobfla on Aug 21, 2017 19:46:30 GMT -5
bballgirl, I understand missing your husband. Although you may get laid often, it doesn't come with the intimacy or friendship you developed over a marriage. Plus there is the lack of guilt that the kids have both parents together. Familiarity and lack of guilt are quite comfortable. While I was visiting my wife, she asked if I missed her. I said I did, though not as enthusiastically as she would have probably liked. She has been in the hospital for four months, and my son and I have adjusted to not having her around. The last two weeks she was home, she was too weak to do anything. My son and I had to wait on her hand and foot. I found out that I would have made a lousy nurse. But I do miss her. I am facing the possibility that she may never come home again. The memories both good and bad come back to me, but most the good ones. We talk about the cats we've had, family gatherings, and my son's milestones. Shortly after I met her, I got a small white kitten I named Casper. She and Casper bonded immediately, and she acted like a little girl when she saw him. My wife had a wonderful voice which is now silent. Since she has a tracheotomy, she cannot speak without having a special valve in place. I miss her voice. Right now, I find myself losing interest in sex. I would rather spend time with a woman just dancing, having dinner, or talking, I want to see an adult movie with someone. I am too overwhelmed right now to make a good lover. I just need to exhale and relax.
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 21, 2017 19:57:36 GMT -5
bballgirl, I understand missing your husband. Although you may get laid often, it doesn't come with the intimacy or friendship you developed over a marriage. Plus there is the lack of guilt that the kids have both parents together. Familiarity and lack of guilt are quite comfortable. While I was visiting my wife, she asked if I missed her. I said I did, though not as enthusiastically as she would have probably liked. She has been in the hospital for four months, and my son and I have adjusted to not having her around. The last two weeks she was home, she was too weak to do anything. My son and I had to wait on her hand and foot. I found out that I would have made a lousy nurse. But I do miss her. I am facing the possibility that she may never come home again. The memories both good and bad come back to me, but most the good ones. We talk about the cats we've had, family gatherings, and my son's milestones. Shortly after I met her, I got a small white kitten I named Casper. She and Casper bonded immediately, and she acted like a little girl when she saw him. My wife had a wonderful voice which is now silent. Since she has a tracheotomy, she cannot speak without having a special valve in place. I miss her voice. Right now, I find myself losing interest in sex. I would rather spend time with a woman just dancing, having dinner, or talking, I want to see an adult movie with someone. I am too overwhelmed right now to make a good lover. I just need to exhale and relax. Thanks for your response. I understand and empathize for what you miss about your wife. Take one day at a time and cherish what you do have in your life. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2017 20:19:34 GMT -5
obobfla, you have had to grieve the loss of this marriage over and over again. I can't even imagine.
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Aug 22, 2017 0:02:27 GMT -5
Wow, I've had a cold for the last three days and I feel like I've missed so much. I'm not sure what I can say that everyone else hasn't already said. I think you hit the nail on the head when you talked about rejection. When you left the marriage the rejection ended. That is something YOU did to make a change for the better. Sure everything looks better now, but I guarantee if you had not left you'd be in the same place you were before. It's just going to take some time to adjust.
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 22, 2017 2:39:23 GMT -5
Wow, I've had a cold for the last three days and I feel like I've missed so much. I'm not sure what I can say that everyone else hasn't already said. I think you hit the nail on the head when you talked about rejection. When you left the marriage the rejection ended. That is something YOU did to make a change for the better. Sure everything looks better now, but I guarantee if you had not left you'd be in the same place you were before. It's just going to take some time to adjust. Thank you for your response. I hope you are feeling better with your cold. I agree and i don't regret the divorce. I made the right decision with that to save my sanity. |
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Post by WindSister on Aug 22, 2017 7:54:15 GMT -5
bballgirl , I understand missing your husband. Although you may get laid often, it doesn't come with the intimacy or friendship you developed over a marriage. Plus there is the lack of guilt that the kids have both parents together. Familiarity and lack of guilt are quite comfortable. While I was visiting my wife, she asked if I missed her. I said I did, though not as enthusiastically as she would have probably liked. She has been in the hospital for four months, and my son and I have adjusted to not having her around. The last two weeks she was home, she was too weak to do anything. My son and I had to wait on her hand and foot. I found out that I would have made a lousy nurse. But I do miss her. I am facing the possibility that she may never come home again. The memories both good and bad come back to me, but most the good ones. We talk about the cats we've had, family gatherings, and my son's milestones. Shortly after I met her, I got a small white kitten I named Casper. She and Casper bonded immediately, and she acted like a little girl when she saw him. My wife had a wonderful voice which is now silent. Since she has a tracheotomy, she cannot speak without having a special valve in place. I miss her voice. Right now, I find myself losing interest in sex. I would rather spend time with a woman just dancing, having dinner, or talking, I want to see an adult movie with someone. I am too overwhelmed right now to make a good lover. I just need to exhale and relax. I can't "like" this, but wanted you to know it hit me and I am sending good thoughts for what it is worth (not much). There are no words. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Aug 22, 2017 9:10:58 GMT -5
I wasn't missing much of my old life lately. The other day I spent with my old BFF (haven't spent much time together since I got sober). She brought up our old property. She had really only visited it a half-dozen times but she was really waxing nostalgic about don't you miss the old place? I don't know why she was on that topic but she brought it up a bunch. I still didn't give any traction to wistful pity party. But SINCE that visit on Sunday and reading the OP here - yes, I miss PARTS of that past and the good times on the property that I did have.
I don't feel sorry for myself as I think of that now. Those "good times" were already only in my memory as I stayed there taking on more rejection each day. So - I have to remind myself of how it ENDED, not how it had once been. I am glad that my memory is not too selective. Most times that a good memory starts to make me wistful, I can recall some more-recent memory that negates it or at least neutralizes sadness over the loss of those times.
I am grateful for the good parts but I don't regret ending the bad parts.
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 22, 2017 14:27:37 GMT -5
I wasn't missing much of my old life lately. The other day I spent with my old BFF (haven't spent much time together since I got sober). She brought up our old property. She had really only visited it a half-dozen times but she was really waxing nostalgic about don't you miss the old place? I don't know why she was on that topic but she brought it up a bunch. I still didn't give any traction to wistful pity party. But SINCE that visit on Sunday and reading the OP here - yes, I miss PARTS of that past and the good times on the property that I did have. I don't feel sorry for myself as I think of that now. Those "good times" were already only in my memory as I stayed there taking on more rejection each day. So - I have to remind myself of how it ENDED, not how it had once been. I am glad that my memory is not too selective. Most times that a good memory starts to make me wistful, I can recall some more-recent memory that negates it or at least neutralizes sadness over the loss of those times. I am grateful for the good parts but I don't regret ending the bad parts. Yeah I don't regret ending it either. Divorce was the right thing to do. Hugs xoxo |
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 22, 2017 21:17:33 GMT -5
Sorry I'm late bballgirlI probably wouldn't have had the guts to share that, but this sounds like a good thing. A good opportunity for you and the kids. Ex too. Just don't go re-marrying this guy. 😉 Thanks for your response. It may be a good opportunity but I'm going to hold off and figure out my head first. I am not one to make decisions in haste, after all it took me 23 years to leave a SM lol However if I do decide to try to rekindle something it will be to date, live separately, and yeah marriage isn't something that's needed. Time will tell.  |
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Post by McRoomMate on Aug 23, 2017 3:23:55 GMT -5
Thank-you bballgirl - this is one of the most thought and emotion provoking threads I have seen yet. Wow. Oh boy can I relate all to much to the deep and wide posts on this thread. My ex-Wife has lost weight and really wants to start again - the children really want me back in the house. So complicated and emotional roller coaster - it never seems to end. People and the relationships change over time - and change again - and again - never ending process like a river that always meanders and changes its own course over time. I have decided to go slowly and see what happens - in other words - no decision or dramatic changes - I have a tendency to rush into things and charge ahead - A little wiser and go slower is where I am now. |
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I know when I hit my lowest point, I really gave myself a good pep talk and got REALLY clear, through writing in my "journal" (which was a pad of yellow legal paper, lol) what I wanted. A powerful thing that helped me along was "You are not being punished, you just haven't met "him" yet." "None of the men in my life are "him" -- hold out for "him." Not saying it will work the same for you, I am sure you will come up with your own pep talk, but that was so much strength for me. It's hard when it seems like others find love so easily, without struggle and there I was, meeting lots of men, having lots of sex but didn't have that ONE who REALLY cared. He's out there, though, believe it. Hold out for it. It's worth it. 
