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Post by bballgirl on Aug 19, 2017 23:28:28 GMT -5
Hugs, bballgirl. And kudos for sharing openly here. It's not all rainbows and puppies. I think what you're experiencing is normal. What you'll need to work out is whether you're missing the comfort and familiarity, or whether you really have feelings for him (and is it realistic). First, I'd encourage you to go back and re-read a bunch of your writings and journaling over the last couple years. It's the light of a new day - maybe the issues will seem more tolerable now, or maybe you'll get a refresher in how you got here and why you should stay out. But... don't feel guilty regardless of your choice. This is your life, and you've done what seems to be prudent and necessary at the time. If you got back together with him, you'd hardly be the first couple to reconcile after divorce. Just maybe, an extreme reset could enable a restart; a sincere effort, and an objective evaluation. No cloud of "I didn't take her seriously" and "I'm way past being checked out". But, wrinkle... you have no dating weekends free - one of you always has the kids... (You probably don't want to test the waters with the kids' awareness because it'll mess with them emotionally.) DC I agree with what you wrote and thanks for your thoughtful response. I need to figure out if I do still have feelings for him. If I miss HIM or just the idea of what should have been. I know divorcing him was the right thing to do. Tonight he called me and said if he wins the lotto he will split it with me. I'm going to play it cool and manage my emotions for the next month or two and reevaluate how I feel in November. As far as dating him again - I would keep it a secret from my kids and family. The kids are old enough to stay alone for a couple of hours though, alternating weekends would be ok. For now I have a date next Saturday so time will tell. |
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Post by orangepeel on Aug 20, 2017 1:44:41 GMT -5
Hello bballgirl. This is, for what it's worth, I think.
What you feel is completely natural - it's even verging on the predictable. I've got this theory that in every relationship, there's a big crossover of mutual interests and outlooks (kids, movies, meet the teacher, the house etc.). Equally, there's a decent amount of opposition/antipathy too (differences of opinion and so on). Let's call it 80-20 in ratio.
In a solid and functional relationship, the partners define themselves by the 80; in a dysfunctional one, their views are coloured by the prism of the 20. What's happened to you, entirely naturally, is that by leaving, you've shifted your viewpoint from the 20 to the 80. That's happened as the FOG has lifted. The big question is whether, by going back, you and he would put your 20 sunglasses on again: we're creatures of habit, after all, but only you of course can answer that.
Good luck and all the best.
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 20, 2017 5:09:47 GMT -5
It is quite possible Sister bballgirl , that your former husband has undergone some level of personal growth through these events too. He may well be a better person now than he was in the lead up events to the divorce. You'd fucking well hope so wouldn't you (?) as he was starting from a pretty low base. But truly, your story reads to me as a reasonably functional relationship you now have with your ex husband, based on reality. Indeed, the relationship may have further growth in it, appropriate to todays reality. If you can, cut yourself a bit of slack. You have been on a rocket launched mission of personal growth. He has perhaps been on a personal growth path of some sort as well. Probably, your kids are likewise engaged in personal growth too. And these things will all play their part in re-defining and refining the interwoven relationship between you all. What will it end up as being ? Possibly a really solid friendship I'd speculate. Without going too far over the top, your post reads like a 'good news' story to me. It all seems to be reality based, and that's a real good thing. Thank you so much for your thoughtful response and your perspective on the post. Your comment made me feel better and that it's not so crazy. Thank you. |
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 20, 2017 5:14:46 GMT -5
bballgirl, I don't think your thoughts are crazy at all. Geeze, that's THE FAMILY UNIT. I'm already missing mine, and I still freaking live here. And thank you for posting this so timely after baza posted this: iliasm.org/post/75950/threadLots of folks have reported this. Particularly when the marriage was pretty good except for the sex. My kids used to brag about how great our family was. That's a thing of the past. They're both just trudging through. Your (collective) attitudes seem so good right now. I think I'd ask him what the deal with the sexlessness really is. Maybe he's rethought that. I don't know. Honestly, I'm a little jealous that you mostly got along with your X-husband. I can't say I ever have gotten along well with my wife. But these days, she's being kind to me. In her way. Still very sarcastic, but in our current state, her sarcasm doesn't seem to have the barbs. If you can get your family back, that's such a great thing. Maybe you both have grown some. And Kudos for the civility! I'm shooting for that, but my wife says "No Way". But she's mostly nice! Maybe she's changing some too. Thanks Creel I'm happy for you that you made the decision but I understand your struggle with the family unit. You are right though no matter what I should address the "why" with him. It might help me figure this out too. Give me more clarity. |
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 20, 2017 5:16:01 GMT -5
Hello bballgirl. This is, for what it's worth, I think. What you feel is completely natural - it's even verging on the predictable. I've got this theory that in every relationship, there's a big crossover of mutual interests and outlooks (kids, movies, meet the teacher, the house etc.). Equally, there's a decent amount of opposition/antipathy too (differences of opinion and so on). Let's call it 80-20 in ratio. In a solid and functional relationship, the partners define themselves by the 80; in a dysfunctional one, their views are coloured by the prism of the 20. What's happened to you, entirely naturally, is that by leaving, you've shifted your viewpoint from the 20 to the 80. That's happened as the FOG has lifted. The big question is whether, by going back, you and he would put your 20 sunglasses on again: we're creatures of habit, after all, but only you of course can answer that. Good luck and all the best. Thank you for your response. Very good point about the 80/20 I appreciate your help. |
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Post by nolongerlonely on Aug 20, 2017 7:51:46 GMT -5
Hugs to you bballgirl xx You have definitely done the right thing reaching out here. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. Of course you are going to face doubt, feel alone, miss the family unit. But you still do have the family unit. If you are friends, and co-parenting your kids, then there is no reason why that friendship cant continue. It just needs definition. Why shouldnt you see new people, and develop a relationship based around both love, and passion. You owe that to yourself. But having dinner with the ex and the kids, and going home afterwards, well whats wrong with that. Its actually rather lovely. But dont forget what brought you to the point where you are. I'm no psychologist or expert. But your ex-husband denied your needs, whatever the reason, it happened. If he was happy with a relationship based around companionship, and you have remained friends, then I'd hazard a guess he will be happy to still have you around, especially where the kids are concerned. Just make sure you go home afterwards, and give your new life a chance. For once, be a taker, rather than a giver. You deserve it. I hope we can all help |
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 20, 2017 8:20:50 GMT -5
Hugs to you bballgirl xx You have definitely done the right thing reaching out here. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. Of course you are going to face doubt, feel alone, miss the family unit. But you still do have the family unit. If you are friends, and co-parenting your kids, then there is no reason why that friendship cant continue. It just needs definition. Why shouldnt you see new people, and develop a relationship based around both love, and passion. You owe that to yourself. But having dinner with the ex and the kids, and going home afterwards, well whats wrong with that. Its actually rather lovely. But dont forget what brought you to the point where you are. I'm no psychologist or expert. But your ex-husband denied your needs, whatever the reason, it happened. If he was happy with a relationship based around companionship, and you have remained friends, then I'd hazard a guess he will be happy to still have you around, especially where the kids are concerned. Just make sure you go home afterwards, and give your new life a chance. For once, be a taker, rather than a giver. You deserve it. I hope we can all help Thank you Good advice and it's true about the just wants me around. That's not enough. |
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Post by misssunnybunny on Aug 20, 2017 9:00:09 GMT -5
So very sorry you are struggling. Everyone has had such wonderful advice so far! I am glad that you and the ex are able to co-parent and be amicable for the kids. The feelings are normal, and for me they lessened the longer I have been divorced (no kids, so I don't have to see him at all). It will get better. {{hugs}}
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 20, 2017 9:36:40 GMT -5
So very sorry you are struggling. Everyone has had such wonderful advice so far! I am glad that you and the ex are able to co-parent and be amicable for the kids. The feelings are normal, and for me they lessened the longer I have been divorced (no kids, so I don't have to see him at all). It will get better. {{hugs}} Thank you |
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Post by worksforme2 on Aug 20, 2017 11:48:43 GMT -5
This is a discussion I have been having with myself of late. Not from the family unit perspective as a desired result, but from the missing my X because of what was shared for over 20 yrs. After our divorce we dated probably once a month and were sexual about every 3 months so it was sort of similar in some regards to still being married, except we didn't live together or travel as we once did. And I miss that. She was an excellent co- inhabitor, just a lousy wife.
And I miss the discussions we used to have as we dissected a movie or lived vicariously along with the characters in the movie, or spent time hashing through an article one of us read and shared with the other. I haven't found another woman that I can do that sort of stuff with. And I definitely miss doing the things we both shared an interest in.
I haven't been crying but I have been wrestling with myself as to why I would want to try and have a meaningful relationship with a woman for whom that seemingly evokes little interest. I want to say to her "after all the time together is there to be nothing more between us"? It's me that does all the keeping in touch, initiating conversation, or spending an evening at the movies or going out for pizza. I have slowed these sorts of shared activities way down because at the end of the evening I find myself lusting after her. And we all know the end results for that sort of thinking.
I have been fortunate that sex has been pretty plentiful this year. I actually am challenged to keep up with my current partner. But honestly speaking, I would still rather be f*cking my X. Crazy isn't it?
You and I separated from our spouses about the same time so it's funny we would be experiencing this sort of melancholy at the same time. Maybe it's just a phase we are passing through, sort of like Picasso's blue period.
Damn those emotions....
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 20, 2017 12:48:32 GMT -5
This is a discussion I have been having with myself of late. Not from the family unit perspective as a desired result, but from the missing my X because of what was shared for over 20 yrs. After our divorce we dated probably once a month and were sexual about every 3 months so it was sort of similar in some regards to still being married, except we didn't live together or travel as we once did. And I miss that. She was an excellent co- inhabitor, just a lousy wife. And I miss the discussions we used to have as we dissected a movie or lived vicariously along with the characters in the movie, or spent time hashing through an article one of us read and shared with the other. I haven't found another woman that I can do that sort of stuff with. And I definitely miss doing the things we both shared an interest in. I haven't been crying but I have been wrestling with myself as to why I would want to try and have a meaningful relationship with a woman for whom that seemingly evokes little interest. I want to say to her "after all the time together is there to be nothing more between us"? It's me that does all the keeping in touch, initiating conversation, or spending an evening at the movies or going out for pizza. I have slowed these sorts of shared activities way down because at the end of the evening I find myself lusting after her. And we all know the end results for that sort of thinking. I have been fortunate that sex has been pretty plentiful this year. I actually am challenged to keep up with my current partner. But honestly speaking, I would still rather be f*cking my X. Crazy isn't it? You and I separated from our spouses about the same time so it's funny we would be experiencing this sort of melancholy at the same time. Maybe it's just a phase we are passing through, sort of like Picasso's blue period. Damn those emotions.... I understand and really empathize for you and your emotions. Yes we did exit around the same time it's very interesting. Yeah I go out with men but the conversation just isn't the same. There's so much history after 2 decades. Thanks for your thoughtful response and I hope we can both figure it out and find some peace. |
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Post by becca on Aug 20, 2017 19:02:04 GMT -5
From the first day I joined iliasm, I have enjoyed your posts, bballgirl, and could relate to so much of your story. I remember you posting that song "A Better Man" I had not heard it before. I cried listening to it and there are days I can still cry when I hear it. On any given day I am living a different part of that song. Some days I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that "the bravest thing I ever did was run" but other days "I just wish I could forget when it was magic" and "hoping it might turn sweet again" because there is a longing deep in my heart for something that no longer exists. Recently our children were about to head off again and we all gathered together at the house for dinner. I can relate to the swarm of emotions that can bring to the surface! There was something so comfortable and familiar and I wanted time to stop and rewind and go back to a time where maybe we could have fixed it. Maybe we could have been more honest and direct and tackled the problem head on then. For me, I know I long for something that no longer exists. I know, even for you, it wasn't just the SM. I recall you talking about his neglect, not just of the marriage and family but even his own health. I absolutely believe people can change. Just be careful not to get sucker punched when you reflect back on your marriage through that warm rosy lens of nostalgia. You deserve the best. You are an amazing woman of strength, passion and character and please know that wherever this journey leads, it is a pleasure just sharing the road with you. xoxo |
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Post by unmatched on Aug 20, 2017 19:21:10 GMT -5
You guys have been spending a bit of time together with the kids - I would suggest having dinner together a bit more often, hanging out at baseball etc. I think you might get a lot from that increased connection, and I suspect you will also remember very quickly what it was that messed up your marriage in the first place. He may have been growing, but he is still emotionally stunted lol. It might be a good time now to start rebuilding the friendship that you had, so long as you can keep the boundaries on it that need to be there to protect your heart from getting broken all over again.
You have been dating a lot, you have been incredibly brave about putting yourself out there and have learned a huge amount about yourself and about people in general. But if I am honest I don't think until recently you were ready for or interested in a full on relationship. It was more important for you to find your own feet and rediscover who you are independent of your marriage and family. Now maybe it is time to go a bit deeper. But that is scary and risky and it is perhaps not surprising that suddenly the temptation pops up to try and find that connection somewhere you already know. Resist it! Go somewhere new and you will be so much better off. Also, I think I have said this before, but I suspect if you can make some more time to get out and do stuff that challenges and fulfils and inspires you, things that you love and give you purpose, you will very quickly start meeting people who you really connect with and click with. And some of them may well be handsome, available men...
xxx
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 20, 2017 21:18:23 GMT -5
You guys have been spending a bit of time together with the kids - I would suggest having dinner together a bit more often, hanging out at baseball etc. I think you might get a lot from that increased connection, and I suspect you will also remember very quickly what it was that messed up your marriage in the first place. He may have been growing, but he is still emotionally stunted lol. It might be a good time now to start rebuilding the friendship that you had, so long as you can keep the boundaries on it that need to be there to protect your heart from getting broken all over again. You have been dating a lot, you have been incredibly brave about putting yourself out there and have learned a huge amount about yourself and about people in general. But if I am honest I don't think until recently you were ready for or interested in a full on relationship. It was more important for you to find your own feet and rediscover who you are independent of your marriage and family. Now maybe it is time to go a bit deeper. But that is scary and risky and it is perhaps not surprising that suddenly the temptation pops up to try and find that connection somewhere you already know. Resist it! Go somewhere new and you will be so much better off. Also, I think I have said this before, but I suspect if you can make some more time to get out and do stuff that challenges and fulfils and inspires you, things that you love and give you purpose, you will very quickly start meeting people who you really connect with and click with. And some of them may well be handsome, available men... xxx You are right! Everything you said. I do need to put myself out there and I can feel that I'm trying to resist with my ex too in order to give myself a chance. Thank you so much for your insight and thoughtful response. Xoxo |
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 20, 2017 21:27:08 GMT -5
From the first day I joined iliasm, I have enjoyed your posts, bballgirl, and could relate to so much of your story. I remember you posting that song "A Better Man" I had not heard it before. I cried listening to it and there are days I can still cry when I hear it. On any given day I am living a different part of that song. Some days I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that "the bravest thing I ever did was run" but other days "I just wish I could forget when it was magic" and "hoping it might turn sweet again" because there is a longing deep in my heart for something that no longer exists. Recently our children were about to head off again and we all gathered together at the house for dinner. I can relate to the swarm of emotions that can bring to the surface! There was something so comfortable and familiar and I wanted time to stop and rewind and go back to a time where maybe we could have fixed it. Maybe we could have been more honest and direct and tackled the problem head on then. For me, I know I long for something that no longer exists. I know, even for you, it wasn't just the SM. I recall you talking about his neglect, not just of the marriage and family but even his own health. I absolutely believe people can change. Just be careful not to get sucker punched when you reflect back on your marriage through that warm rosy lens of nostalgia. You deserve the best. You are an amazing woman of strength, passion and character and please know that wherever this journey leads, it is a pleasure just sharing the road with you. xoxo Becca your response brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for all your kind words. I feel exactly the same about you! You deserve the best too! Xoxo |
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