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Post by northstarmom on Oct 11, 2017 11:59:47 GMT -5
i understand you want to do those things with him. What I'm asking is whether you have to be a couple with him to enjoy his companionship that way. Some people still go on family vacations with their ex and kids, but approach it as platonic friends not as being in a romantic relationship. Some people even live in the same house or building with their ex and kids but don't share a bedroom with their ex. They are compatible, happy coparents and roommates not wanting or expecting romance or sex with each other.
What I am not understanding is the hope that this time somehow the platonic love may turn to a romantic and sexual one. That didn't happen during the 2 decades you were together. Why would a new try make things different? Sex just doesn't seem important to him. Viagra can't change his sexual interest. Trying for a close platonic relationship with him while you have your sexual needs met elsewhere would seem to have more chance of working out since I don't think you have tried that option yet.
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 11, 2017 12:15:43 GMT -5
i understand you want to do those things with him. What I'm asking is whether you have to be a couple with him to enjoy his companionship that way. Some people still go on family vacations with their ex and kids, but approach it as platonic friends not as being in a romantic relationship. Some people even live in the same house or building with their ex and kids but don't share a bedroom with their ex. They are compatible, happy coparents and roommates not wanting or expecting romance or sex with each other. What I am not understanding is the hope that this time somehow the platonic love may turn to a romantic and sexual one. That didn't happen during the 2 decades you were together. Why would a new try make things different? Sex just doesn't seem important to him. Viagra can't change his sexual interest. Trying for a close platonic relationship with him while you have your sexual needs met elsewhere would seem to have more chance of working out since I don't think you have tried that option yet. You are absolutely right sex was and probably isn't important to him and it's not important to me with him. Affection, holding hands, kissing, cuddling, saying "I love you", hearing him call me "beautiful" - those things are more important to me. I'm realistic about this, if he can have sex fine if he can't that's ok too. Yes a close platonic but affectionate relationship might be where this ends up and I'm ok with that. |
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 11, 2017 12:30:25 GMT -5
At the end of my marriage I was so angry. I felt robbed of my youth sexually.
I told him that my anger and resentment was focused not on the last few years when his health declined and he couldn't get it up, it focused on when he could get it up and he chose not to with me because he was lazy and selfish. Sexually we really aren't that compatible but sex is just one part of a relationship and at this point I don't need that from him if he doesn't want to or can't.
I can really see where lack of sex is a symptom of a bigger picture.
Throughout our marriage we had bigger problems than the lack of sex which caused stress and resentment.
Our finances were a mess a lot and now that we aren't married, live separately, and he is responsible for his own finances instead of the financial burdens being on me there is comfort from that.
So it makes me happy to spend time with him now and we will see where it goes.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 11, 2017 12:38:54 GMT -5
Responsible for finances? What brought this on from "the gambler"?
Are you betting against the odds and willing to take the risk? Separate accounts will be in your favor. (pun intended)
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 11, 2017 12:48:48 GMT -5
I'm willing to gamble
I have nothing to lose. The house is in his name.
We are not married, it's only about the way we treat each other.
If his bank account is negative that's his problem but he's making A LOT more money now. He got a big promotion after the divorce.
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 11, 2017 13:07:58 GMT -5
I have to say - there's this part of me that feels like a sell out here on the forum. I finally made it to Opposite Land (and trust me it is great, My life is good) but I want to be with the ex again!?
You all must think I'm nuts!
Of course those of you that know me, you know I don't care what people think because it's my life but I'm just expressing how I feel
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Post by merrygoround on Oct 11, 2017 13:39:25 GMT -5
Hey bballgirl you're not a sell out and you're not nuts. You can't spend so long with someone, sharing all that history, children, without one day hopefully getting over the anger and finding peace, and remembering what you loved about the relationship instead of resenting what you didn't have whilst in it. It's natural. Maybe you have both grown and he is making strides as finally being responsible. Time and distance have perhaps forced him to take steps he never had to whilst with you. Maybe you are just getting to see the "good side" and enjoying some kind of "honeymoon period". I certainly don't think you would be the only one here who has given things second thoughts and wondering if you could indeed not necessarily turn things around, but just start with a fresh beginning, with the new eyes and experience and strength you have gained from leaving him in the first place. Just please be careful and take care of YOU. And if you can work it all out, life is too damn short - go for it, be happy darling. Xx |
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 11, 2017 13:55:54 GMT -5
Hey bballgirl you're not a sell out and you're not nuts. You can't spend so long with someone, sharing all that history, children, without one day hopefully getting over the anger and finding peace, and remembering what you loved about the relationship instead of resenting what you didn't have whilst in it. It's natural. Maybe you have both grown and he is making strides as finally being responsible. Time and distance have perhaps forced him to take steps he never had to whilst with you. Maybe you are just getting to see the "good side" and enjoying some kind of "honeymoon period". I certainly don't think you would be the only one here who has given things second thoughts and wondering if you could indeed not necessarily turn things around, but just start with a fresh beginning, with the new eyes and experience and strength you have gained from leaving him in the first place. Just please be careful and take care of YOU. And if you can work it all out, life is too damn short - go for it, be happy darling. Xx Thank you for that. Life is short so true! |
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Post by DryCreek on Oct 11, 2017 14:30:38 GMT -5
bballgirl, yours is an interesting situation, though hardly the first time a couple reconciled after divorce. I do think your ex is as valid an option for you as any other guy. With the added benefits of the history you share and that you have a metric crap-ton more insight to what you're signing up for. What matters most is that you are going into it with eyes open, making a fully informed decision. Would I make the same decision? Irrelevant. Divorce offers a "grand reset" and reestablishes each of you as independent individuals. There's a legitimate prospect of restarting things under new terms and a different dynamic where neither party holds the other hostage or allows themselves to be treated poorly. It almost goes without saying that you should protect that position fiercely by maintaining strict separate finances, prenup, etc. Now the advice part... look beyond the immediate state of the family. Kids will leave the nest. A move that's unduly swayed by the nuclear family might not survive once it's back to just the two of you. Or maybe it gets even better. Just think about how things will look in 10-20 years, and how effectively you can stand on your own again in the future if the need arises. Hugs, DC
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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 11, 2017 14:31:59 GMT -5
If it's just the family stuff you miss with him, it can still happen if one of you moves on to someone else. My wife's mom has kids from a prior marriage and we all get together along with the ex husband on holidays, birthdays, kid activities ect. Yes, Me, my W, MIL, FIL, previous husband and the sister that lives near by and her son. It is weird but it works. The shit gets even weirder, the FIL and the exHusband will got to hockey games together.
While I can understand getting back together and he might have changed because he was forced to, just be careful. Would you require and open relationship so you can have sex with someone else?
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Post by shamwow on Oct 11, 2017 14:32:10 GMT -5
I truly wish you well as you explore this. In wondering how you reconcile your new hopes for a romantic relationship with your ex with the two decades of being refused by him. He sounds like a good coparent, platonic friend or compatible roommate. He doesn't sound like a good choice for romance with you. I've never seen someone successfully get themselves to develop sexual feelings for s person they don't naturally lust for. You make a great point and my ex has health issues that may prevent him from being able to be sexual but we will explore if Viagra will work for him. If he doesn't want sex with I can actually live with that too, it's not a dealbreaker but I will not be celibate. Still very early to see how this will play out. Honestly I'm shocked that my emotions have gone here but maybe we don't always have control over who we love. Has the fact you won't be celibate if he cannot be sexual been discussed with him? If so, how did he respond? If not, why? |
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Post by shamwow on Oct 11, 2017 14:35:42 GMT -5
I'm willing to gamble I have nothing to lose. The house is in his name. We are not married, it's only about the way we treat each other. If his bank account is negative that's his problem but he's making A LOT more money now. He got a big promotion after the divorce. This is weird advice. I feel like I'm channeling a reverse baza here but have you consulted a lawyer on any affects of Co habitating again? Thinking common law marriage here specifically... |
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Post by shamwow on Oct 11, 2017 14:37:16 GMT -5
I have to say - there's this part of me that feels like a sell out here on the forum. I finally made it to Opposite Land (and trust me it is great, My life is good) but I want to be with the ex again!? You all must think I'm nuts! Of course those of you that know me, you know I don't care what people think because it's my life but I'm just expressing how I feel Not a sell out! No way! But we are your friends and don't want to see you hurt. In the end though you know your situation and what you need. We support you all the way. |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 11, 2017 14:46:42 GMT -5
bballgirl said:I'm willing to gamble
I have nothing to lose. The house is in his name.
We are not married, it's only about the way we treat each other.
If his bank account is negative that's his problem but he's making A LOT more money now. He got a big promotion after the divorce."
It's also about your kids' feelings and not jerking them around.
I suggest investing in individual or joint therapy before taking such a gamble. The stakes are higher than you are acknowledging.
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Post by petrushka on Oct 11, 2017 15:47:57 GMT -5
I've said up-thread what I think. I can only agree with what northstarmom says. And, while I don't remember very much of the discussions way back when, I remember your white hot anger at his dismissive and disrespectful put-downs and refusal to acknowledge your achievements at the time. I hope THAT doesn't happen again. But, you know, if it goes to hell in a hand basket, we'll still be here. {winks} And if not, more power to you! |
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