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Post by Deleted on Oct 11, 2017 16:17:31 GMT -5
I have to say - there's this part of me that feels like a sell out here on the forum. I finally made it to Opposite Land (and trust me it is great, My life is good) but I want to be with the ex again!? You all must think I'm nuts! Of course those of you that know me, you know I don't care what people think because it's my life but I'm just expressing how I feel I am thrilled for you BBG! I think many of us here have a deep capacity for love, even towards those who’ve hurt us. For many of us, the best case scenario is that our spouse would see the light and begin to fix the problems. It sounds like that has potential with your H. My suspicion is that he really does/did love you but took you for granted. You let him treat you poorly and he was going to continue. But now that you’re gone, he sees what he had and he misses it. And you’ve taught him he can’t treat you that way. I think he’s going to make real efforts. Hold your ground, insist on the treatment you deserve. Be open and honest. And yes, take some of the advice others have given regarding counseling and guarding the kids. I totally understand wanting the family. My nuclear family is the reason I’m still here. I love my family. Imperfect as it is. Go BBG!! Wishing you luck! |
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 11, 2017 16:25:29 GMT -5
I've said up-thread what I think. I can only agree with what northstarmom says. And, while I don't remember very much of the discussions way back when, I remember your white hot anger at his dismissive and disrespectful put-downs and refusal to acknowledge your achievements at the time. I hope THAT doesn't happen again. But, you know, if it goes to hell in a hand basket, we'll still be here. {winks} And if not, more power to you! Thank you for your response. Yes that marriage was so bad but I think he and I are different people. THAT would not happen again. THAT was years of dysfunction and disrespect. I would not tolerate THAT ever again from anyone. I know if it doesn't work out that everyone is still here for support, thank you for that. |
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 11, 2017 16:27:54 GMT -5
bballgirl, yours is an interesting situation, though hardly the first time a couple reconciled after divorce. I do think your ex is as valid an option for you as any other guy. With the added benefits of the history you share and that you have a metric crap-ton more insight to what you're signing up for. What matters most is that you are going into it with eyes open, making a fully informed decision. Would I make the same decision? Irrelevant. Divorce offers a "grand reset" and reestablishes each of you as independent individuals. There's a legitimate prospect of restarting things under new terms and a different dynamic where neither party holds the other hostage or allows themselves to be treated poorly. It almost goes without saying that you should protect that position fiercely by maintaining strict separate finances, prenup, etc. Now the advice part... look beyond the immediate state of the family. Kids will leave the nest. A move that's unduly swayed by the nuclear family might not survive once it's back to just the two of you. Or maybe it gets even better. Just think about how things will look in 10-20 years, and how effectively you can stand on your own again in the future if the need arises. Hugs, DC Thanks for the great advice and thoughtful response. I am hopeful that it can be better. I really think we have both learned from our mistakes. |
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 11, 2017 16:33:00 GMT -5
If it's just the family stuff you miss with him, it can still happen if one of you moves on to someone else. My wife's mom has kids from a prior marriage and we all get together along with the ex husband on holidays, birthdays, kid activities ect. Yes, Me, my W, MIL, FIL, previous husband and the sister that lives near by and her son. It is weird but it works. The shit gets even weirder, the FIL and the exHusband will got to hockey games together. While I can understand getting back together and he might have changed because he was forced to, just be careful. Would you require and open relationship so you can have sex with someone else? An open relationship is ideal unless he is willing to try Viagra and we can be intimate. Either way I will not be celibate. |
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 11, 2017 16:34:45 GMT -5
You make a great point and my ex has health issues that may prevent him from being able to be sexual but we will explore if Viagra will work for him. If he doesn't want sex with I can actually live with that too, it's not a dealbreaker but I will not be celibate. Still very early to see how this will play out. Honestly I'm shocked that my emotions have gone here but maybe we don't always have control over who we love. Has the fact you won't be celibate if he cannot be sexual been discussed with him? If so, how did he respond? If not, why? I have not YET! |
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Post by lwoetin on Oct 11, 2017 16:49:29 GMT -5
Update: I'm not struggling so much right now. I was dating a nice man at the beginning of August and we had been affectionate, intimate but no intercourse. I went on 2 dates with him and I cancelled two. I couldn't get my ex husband out of my mind. I would cry at work because I missed him and I wanted to do the things we did together even though sex wasn't one of them. So as I always would say on EP, "find your happiness" and I felt like spending time with him and trying again would make me happy. So I sent him a text and I wrote,"Ever since we went to Meet the Teacher and out to dinner I have missed you, the way we used to be, the family unit. It actually started in July where I found myself missing you but that night at dinner really magnified my thoughts. I don't think the divorce was the wrong thing and I don't regret it. Our marriage was dead but we have so much history together and the kids and I was wondering if you would want to try again, date each other, see if we can get back to affection and romantic love for each other. Of course I love you. I always did and always will because the kids will always connect us. I completely understand if you aren't interested and I can accept that". He called me and said "yes". That we need to take it slow and spend time together. I felt at peace. I was tired of dating apps and dating men when the man I have the most in common with is my ex. Then the hurricane hit (Irma) and we decided be together at his house as a family. He came to my house cleaned my garage so I could get my car in it. During the storm we enjoyed each other's company platonically and we were united and working together to secure things. He hugged me privately so the kids didn't see, we do not want to confuse them until we figure this out, and told me he's glad I'm there with him. After the storm I stayed the rest of the week, slept in the downstairs bedroom, and we played house together. We went grocery shopping and ran errands together and he was participating, he never did before but he has had to the past couple of years and I think he's grown because of it. We discussed issues that were problems with the marriage things that we each did not like about each other, (my list was longer  ). So we are going to spend time together and see if we can rekindle our love. This past weekend we went out for breakfast and had a big talk in my car again discussing problems with the marriage and solutions. After breakfast he grabbed my hand, kissed me softly and told me he loves me. So time will tell and we will try to have a relationship together. I had so much anger towards him when I left my marriage but I have healed from that and my love is still there for him. I told him I need him to be romantic with me, to kiss me, cuddle, be intimate. So we will see. The beauty of the situation is I'm not married to him, we live separately, and either we cultivate this relationship or we don't. At the moment I'm happy and I feel like I have nothing to lose. gosh, rekindling love. And telling each other you love each other. This is good stuff, bbgirl. I hope it works out. Something good could come out of hurricanes. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 11, 2017 16:51:44 GMT -5
bballgirl - I’m freaked out by this development but I gotta say: find your happiness. You deserve it! My reaction is totally irrelevant. You are a smart, strong, independent woman. Any man you choose to spend time with is LUCKY, whether that means sex or not. If you & he can be at peace with it, and your kids can comprehend what’s up with you guys, then hell: more power to you! Definitely keep us posted, honey - this is a unique perspective on post-SM, to be sure. Find your happiness. Love & hugs, beautiful lady.
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 11, 2017 17:02:18 GMT -5
bballgirl - I’m freaked out by this development but I gotta say: find your happiness. You deserve it! My reaction is totally irrelevant. You are a smart, strong, independent woman. Any man you choose to spend time with is LUCKY, whether that means sex or not. If you & he can be at peace with it, and your kids can comprehend what’s up with you guys, then hell: more power to you! Definitely keep us posted, honey - this is a unique perspective on post-SM, to be sure. Find your happiness. Love & hugs, beautiful lady. Thank you honey for your kind words and I'm a little freaked out too but I will see this through however it's meant to go. Hugs xoxo |
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Post by shamwow on Oct 11, 2017 21:36:52 GMT -5
Has the fact you won't be celibate if he cannot be sexual been discussed with him? If so, how did he respond? If not, why? I have not YET! Better get on that one soon. It's kind of important. |
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Post by baza on Oct 11, 2017 23:12:53 GMT -5
Respected Sister bballgirl .
I have an anecdote for you.
Last night, in the course of a conversation with Ms enna, I was moved to comment - "Sturts" - which caused us both to roll about laughing. (it was an "in joke"' the origins of which was a road trip we did together in April 2010).
These days, there are many of these "in jokes" and recollections of funny shit that has happened since then.
There is also sad shit - like the death of Ms enna's brother, and mother.
There's been joyful things too like the birth of Ms enna's grandaughter in 2013.
There has been adventurous happenings with both my kids and the untimely death of my ex missus.
There have been work issues, health issues, all sorts of shit in the baz/enna dynamic over the past 7.6 years.
Prior to that, there was a shared history between baz/Mrsbaz over 3 decades, and a shared history between enna/Mrenna spanning 2 decades.
I am sure that you can see where I am going with this, so I won't labour the point, other than to observe that one's history doe's NOT stop at the cessation of one relationship' nor does it start at the commencement of another relationship.
Your history starts when you are born, and it finishes when you are dead.
And in between those two absolute points is ones obligation of choice.... the thing that (apart from acts of God) decides your future.
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 12, 2017 6:10:31 GMT -5
Respected Sister bballgirl . I have an anecdote for you. Last night, in the course of a conversation with Ms enna, I was moved to comment - "Sturts" - which caused us both to roll about laughing. (it was an "in joke"' the origins of which was a road trip we did together in April 2010). These days, there are many of these "in jokes" and recollections of funny shit that has happened since then. There is also sad shit - like the death of Ms enna's brother, and mother. There's been joyful things too like the birth of Ms enna's grandaughter in 2013. There has been adventurous happenings with both my kids and the untimely death of my ex missus. There have been work issues, health issues, all sorts of shit in the baz/enna dynamic over the past 7.6 years. Prior to that, there was a shared history between baz/Mrsbaz over 3 decades, and a shared history between enna/Mrenna spanning 2 decades. I am sure that you can see where I am going with this, so I won't labour the point, other than to observe that one's history doe's NOT stop at the cessation of one relationship' nor does it start at the commencement of another relationship. Your history starts when you are born, and it finishes when you are dead. And in between those two absolute points is ones obligation of choice.... the thing that (apart from acts of God) decides your future. Thank you for your thoughtful response and as always very good. Life does boil down to the choices we make. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 12, 2017 8:12:28 GMT -5
I have found lately that one of the coolest things about choice is also that....I get to “choose wrong” if I want to. I’m allowed to choose poorly. No getting out of the consequences of my choices, but I found out (in sobriety) that I’m allowed to be imperfect, not always the smartest, or wisest.
Many family members thought I was nuts to move out & divorce. They thought it was great & smart for me to get sober. They questioned my sobriety, or sanity, when I voluntarily signed up for a layoff program at my job of 20 years. They thought I was foolish to go to community college full time instead of getting a “real” job. They’ve questioned the wisdom of living off the money from property sale instead of working full time.
Doesn’t matter. I get to do all this. They get to wonder. I don’t have to explain it, or justify it. Some of these moves may not have been in my longer term best interests- but I get to try it. And I even get to be enthusiastic about, sad if it doesn’t work out, celebrate what does work.
None of those people, those outside of me, none of them are in my mind when my head hits the pillow. They don’t know what’s in my heart or why “all these drastic changes” are really ok. For me, allowing myself the right to make mistakes was so freeing.
I’m ok making mistakes & learning from them. I’m allowed to follow my heart even when my “logical mind” says don’t or that I shouldn’t.
I love that about the divorce- that act of being my own advocate changed so much, not just physically but inside my psyche, in the way I approach life at all & how I view choice making.
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 12, 2017 8:21:44 GMT -5
I have found lately that one of the coolest things about choice is also that....I get to “choose wrong” if I want to. I’m allowed to choose poorly. No getting out of the consequences of my choices, but I found out (in sobriety) that I’m allowed to be imperfect, not always the smartest, or wisest. Many family members thought I was nuts to move out & divorce. They thought it was great & smart for me to get sober. They questioned my sobriety, or sanity, when I voluntarily signed up for a layoff program at my job of 20 years. They thought I was foolish to go to community college full time instead of getting a “real” job. They’ve questioned the wisdom of living off the money from property sale instead of working full time. Doesn’t matter. I get to do all this. They get to wonder. I don’t have to explain it, or justify it. Some of these moves may not have been in my longer term best interests- but I get to try it. And I even get to be enthusiastic about, sad if it doesn’t work out, celebrate what does work. None of those people, those outside of me, none of them are in my mind when my head hits the pillow. They don’t know what’s in my heart or why “all these drastic changes” are really ok. For me, allowing myself the right to make mistakes was so freeing. I’m ok making mistakes & learning from them. I’m allowed to follow my heart even when my “logical mind” says don’t or that I shouldn’t. I love that about the divorce- that act of being my own advocate changed so much, not just physically but inside my psyche, in the way I approach life at all & how I view choice making. I totally get that and love the way you put it. With divorce I have received freedom to do whatever I want, whenever I want without being questioned - like a trip in April to Madeira Beach, which was so nice and fun. A member from EP who is not active on this forum told me that everything in life comes with a price based on the choices we make its just a matter of if we can afford the price emotionally and mentally. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2017 9:47:42 GMT -5
bballgirl, Wow, this is an amazing development. The minister at my former church told me that this is not uncommon. That sometimes, after divorcing, the old problems are kind of resolved, and the couple sees that they really have more in common than they think. However, I do agree with the others about the sex. When you feel the time is right, you need to have a serious talk with him and tell him that you will never accept a sexless marriage ever again. If he needs viagra, then he should use it. I hope nothing but the best for you!
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 12, 2017 10:13:31 GMT -5
bballgirl, Wow, this is an amazing development. The minister at my former church told me that this is not uncommon. That sometimes, after divorcing, the old problems are kind of resolved, and the couple sees that they really have more in common than they think. However, I do agree with the others about the sex. When you feel the time is right, you need to have a serious talk with him and tell him that you will never accept a sexless marriage ever again. If he needs viagra, then he should use it. I hope nothing but the best for you! Thank you and yes the sex issue will be addressed. He and I have discussed it some. He acknowledged it was his fault he chose not to have sex with me and said that it was excuses. We also discussed the facts that there were a lot of stresses on us especially financial, we couldn't afford Viagra even if he wanted to but now we can afford it and so if he wants sex he needs to go to the dr and take steps on his part to put forth the effort and just be honest about what he wants for himself and us. |
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