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Post by ironhamster on Aug 18, 2017 19:41:10 GMT -5
Discuss opening up the marriage so that she can get what she needs. Why? She doesn't need my permission. No spouse does. How do I know she needs sex? She has never told me. She's done without it for years, without complaint. The decision is hers, not mine. Forcing celibacy on someone without their consent crosses by definition from a kink to abuse. Ridiculous. She's' the one turning ME down. SHE is the refuser. I'm the one offering sex, but she doesn't want it. It's conditioned on desire, which is not mine to give. I have no kink, and neither does she. We're just a sexless couple. Deal with it. Well, if you have a situation that works for both of you, then I do not have to deal with any of it. You two do. It's really not my concern. If you came here with an actual issue I might be able to offer some assistance. |
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 18, 2017 19:42:04 GMT -5
We have that contract. "To have and to hold" is in the wedding vows. That would never stand up in court, and you know it. It's hopelessly vague. It is a vow before God, and for those with a religious background I do not need to explain how damning it is to break an oath to the All Mighty. It must not be important to this imaginary diety. Most people break that oath. The marriage contract should specify what happens when desire is gone. I would think you folks would want that, in order to prevent all the drama. If I could go back, I'd gladly put that in the prenup. |
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Post by lwoetin on Aug 19, 2017 8:45:17 GMT -5
Why? She doesn't need my permission. No spouse does. How do I know she needs sex? She has never told me. She's done without it for years, without complaint. The decision is hers, not mine. Ridiculous. She's' the one turning ME down. SHE is the refuser. I'm the one offering sex, but she doesn't want it. It's conditioned on desire, which is not mine to give. I have no kink, and neither does she. We're just a sexless couple. Deal with it. Well, if you have a situation that works for both of you, then I do not have to deal with any of it. You two do. It's really not my concern. If you came here with an actual issue I might be able to offer some assistance. I think people do come here for a reason. Even those who are no longer in SM stick around. I don't buy that they stick around only to help others. If there's no benefit to them, they will leave. I'm sure Joe has his issues to tackle. Staying in a SM has plenty of issues, I would imagine. The lady lawyer member said she and her husband were happy in their SM. But she seemed practical (perhaps concerned) about the future. |
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Post by allworkandnoplay on Aug 19, 2017 10:12:08 GMT -5
Ok, Joe. I think the point is still missing here. You repeat yourself time and again about how you do not feel sexual intimacy, and never have, and you really want us to understand that. In only a few places have you mentioned something about your wife also seemingly not needing sex. If the two of you are happy with your arrangement, then there is no problem for you. If you have come to terms with each other and your mutual needs, then in a way I envy you.
That begs the question, why are you really on this forum? You have said that it is to bring another perspective. However, your perspective is not necessarily new, nor is it lost on us even though you seem to think it is.
While I appreciate the opportunity for a good debate and discussion, if you have read past threads you should know that it is often understood by the members here that asexuality, or lack of sexual desire, or whatever term or description you wish to apply is real and most of us don't begrudge those who are. We understand fully that each person has their own needs and desires, sexually or otherwise, and there is no judgment. However, most of the time our problem stems from a partner who either misled us in the beginning to enter a marriage (which we call bait and switch) or those who have changed over time and no longer care to work on the issue. For us this causes hurt, and for some of us a lot of hurt.
What I appreciate about your input is that you provide a context for your feelings that I think many of us are missing because our partners do not share theirs. Sometimes our partners are purposely misleading, sometimes they don't realize what they are doing, and sometimes they may not even know what is happening or are at least confused or embarrassed about it. Still, it is the conversation that is not happening in our relationships. It is the communication piece that I think often goes missing along with the sex.
So please continue adding to our discussions, but please don't assume that we don't "get it" or that we don't empathize with your situation. In fact, I imagine that many of us understand and empathize with your position more than you realize. You want us to understand that people can have zero sexual desire and that it is normal and ok. We want people (particularly our partners) to know that people can have a lot of sexual desire and that is is normal and ok.
Just one piece of advice. You are providing your story mostly through bits and pieces by responding to others. I think we would understand you much better if you started your own thread with a complete backstory. Even if at this point you would be repeating yourself, it would put everything in one place and give us a better overall picture of where you are coming from.
Best to you.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Aug 19, 2017 10:21:54 GMT -5
Hi celibatejoe. I've been off the boards a bit lately and am also struggling to piece together your story like allworkandnoplayA backstory would deffo help us understand your situation:) Welcome. EO x |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 19, 2017 10:45:33 GMT -5
Celibatejoe, in addition to posting your story, would you be willing to invite your wife to give her viewpoint. It would be a rare opportunity to gain insight to be able to read both sides of a SM.
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Post by celibatejoe on Aug 19, 2017 11:54:16 GMT -5
Celibatejoe, in addition to posting your story, would you be willing to invite your wife to give her viewpoint. It would be a rare opportunity to gain insight to be able to read both sides of a SM. She would kill me if she knew I was here, and she would be very suspicious of your motives. She's a grown woman. If she wants to leave or cheat, she will. If she doesn't, it's because she's married to a good man. |
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Post by celibatejoe on Aug 19, 2017 11:55:21 GMT -5
Hi celibatejoe . I've been off the boards a bit lately and am also struggling to piece together your story like allworkandnoplay A backstory would deffo help us understand your situation:) Welcome. EO x The back story is there for anyone who wants to read it. |
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Post by celibatejoe on Aug 19, 2017 12:03:32 GMT -5
why are you really on this forum? To be honest with you, what I like about this board is the people here are roughly my age and can communicate with the written word. There is also this part of me that clings to hope that maybe there really isn't anything wrong with me, that I can experience this mystical thing you people call sexual intimacy. Maybe by hanging out with you guys some of whatever that is will rub off on me. That part of me is all but gone but it's there. In any case, I am not a "troll." I didn't come here to cause trouble or grab attention. None of you knows what it's like to be married to someone that wants something from you that you just can't give. You are rightly concerned about your own needs, but can't imagine why a spouse wouldn't want sex who is otherwise physically capable. |
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 19, 2017 12:21:05 GMT -5
Celibatejoe, in addition to posting your story, would you be willing to invite your wife to give her viewpoint. It would be a rare opportunity to gain insight to be able to read both sides of a SM. She would kill me if she knew I was here, and she would be very suspicious of your motives. She's a grown woman. If she wants to leave or cheat, she will. If she doesn't, it's because she's married to a good man. I don't know her, but I suspect you are hiding much more than the fact that you are here. If she opened her mind to what is on this forum, even if she does not know your handle here, how many months do you think your marriage would continue? |
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Post by celibatejoe on Aug 19, 2017 12:25:14 GMT -5
It would continue indefinitely.
She has said repeatedly there's nothing I can do drive her away. If the ax does come down, it will be up to me to drop it.
I can't encapsulate our 16 years together in one or two posts, and it would add insult to injury to bring her here. She doesn't want other people involved in our business.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 19, 2017 13:28:42 GMT -5
Then, you have found a willing victim, if what you say is true. Cheers. I wish my spouse, and the spouses of everyone else had done the same.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Aug 19, 2017 14:10:44 GMT -5
It would continue indefinitely. She has said repeatedly there's nothing I can do drive her away. If the ax does come down, it will be up to me to drop it. I can't encapsulate our 16 years together in one or two posts, and it would add insult to injury to bring her here. She doesn't want other people involved in our business. Wow. So neither of you are unhappy then? So there is no problem is there? |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Aug 19, 2017 14:11:57 GMT -5
I'm concerned about her boundaries if nothing you could do could drive her away. That can't be healthy surely!
Are you dependant on each other?
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Post by celibatejoe on Aug 19, 2017 14:47:13 GMT -5
What's healthy to her is up to her.
She's dependent on me, to be sure. I can't say the same about her.
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