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Post by celibatejoe on Aug 18, 2017 10:29:50 GMT -5
You haven't (unless I missed it) fully explained your background nor what brought you here. I thought I explained a lot, at least about myself. What brought me here is the opportunity to present a different perspective. I want to reiterate that you are most welcome in my opinion because you may bring about some further understanding. Thanks, but I'm not sure I'm most welcome here, at least not by everyone. Your equipment works fine with enough concentration so what is the deal here. Do you not desire your wife? Do you not desire sex full stop? I don't desire anyone, Rejected101. Did you know this before you married her? I knew that it was my job to have sex, that it was something I had to do to keep a girlfriend or wife. Sex was always just a means to an end. I also knew that no woman wants to hear that. A woman's self-esteem derives in large part from feeling desired and desirable. I never could understand that, and still don't. Did you hide it from her or were you totally open about it. That kind of honesty is cruel. I have yet to meet a woman that wants a man to be that honest with her. They say they want honesty, no matter how badly it hurts to hear it, but they don't mean it. That has been my experience. I know I sound like I'm generalizing, but I have a lot of experience. I've been married my entire adult life. I've been a good husband -- affectionate, stable, reliable, considerate. Just not passionate. Not since 2011 or 2012. I'm not sure. The last four or five times were rather pathetic. There are so many questions that I feel compelled to ask you. My experience of sexlessness steers me towards being somewhat bitter and angered by it. Please share if you feel comfortable. I don't begrudge the feelings people have here. Your anger and resentment are justified. I just want to point out that there are men like me, and that we're not the scum of the earth. Sexual intimacy isn't for everyone. |
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Post by rejected101 on Aug 18, 2017 10:48:16 GMT -5
You haven't (unless I missed it) fully explained your background nor what brought you here. I thought I explained a lot, at least about myself. What brought me here is the opportunity to present a different perspective. I want to reiterate that you are most welcome in my opinion because you may bring about some further understanding. Thanks, but I'm not sure I'm most welcome here, at least not by everyone. Your equipment works fine with enough concentration so what is the deal here. Do you not desire your wife? Do you not desire sex full stop? I don't desire anyone, Rejected101. Did you know this before you married her? I knew that it was my job to have sex, that it was something I had to do to keep a girlfriend or wife. Sex was always just a means to an end. I also knew that no woman wants to hear that. A woman's self-esteem derives in large part from feeling desired and desirable. I never could understand that, and still don't. Did you hide it from her or were you totally open about it. That kind of honesty is cruel. I have yet to meet a woman that wants a man to be that honest with her. They say they want honesty, no matter how badly it hurts to hear it, but they don't mean it. That has been my experience. I know I sound like I'm generalizing, but I have a lot of experience. I've been married my entire adult life. I've been a good husband -- affectionate, stable, reliable, considerate. Just not passionate. Not since 2011 or 2012. I'm not sure. The last four or five times were rather pathetic. There are so many questions that I feel compelled to ask you. My experience of sexlessness steers me towards being somewhat bitter and angered by it. Please share if you feel comfortable. I don't begrudge the feelings people have here. Your anger and resentment are justified. I just want to point out that there are men like me, and that we're not the scum of the earth. Sexual intimacy isn't for everyone. Thank you. I will disagree with your comments about woman not wanting the truth and the truth being cruel. Sometimes we must be cruel to be kind in the long run and as for woman, they are a clever little bunch. They do like honesty. Without rubbing salt in what may well be some fairly significant wounds, I think I read before that you have been married twice before. I would say that maybe, you misjudged women. And no you definitely are not the scum of the earth. |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 18, 2017 11:00:14 GMT -5
If a man is asexual or doesn't like sex, I'd want to know that on or before my first date so I didn't waste time thinking he was a prospective romantic partner. I have a good friend who, before asking me out, let me know he is incurable impotent. We go out as friends and he is a great friend. I appreciate his honesty
I suspect celibatejoe's real reason for thinking it would be too hurtful to tell women he lacks sexual interest is that he likes being married but if he told prospective partners about that, they would not marry or date him.
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Post by rejected101 on Aug 18, 2017 11:29:37 GMT -5
If a man is asexual or doesn't like sex, I'd want to know that on or before my first date so I didn't waste time thinking he was a prospective romantic partner. I have a good friend who, before asking me out, let me know he is incurable impotent. We go out as friends and he is a great friend. I appreciate his honesty I suspect celibatejoe's real reason for thinking it would be too hurtful to tell women he lacks sexual interest is that he likes being married but if he told prospective partners about that, they would not marry or date him. I have been on the Aven site which is a dedicated site for people who class themselves as on 'spectrum' of asexuality. From sex repulsed to just not interested in sex it is quite clear from the way many of them post that they have that opinion. "Why should I miss out on perspective partners due to my asexual status". Often they then write on there moaning that they are being pressured for sex by their partner. Really all they want is someone to impregnate them or some to impregnate. Beyond this they just want cake and rice crispies. Some of them are desperate to 'recruit' more asexual beings. I read one thread where a 15 year old girl who hadn't experienced sexual desire created a thread asking "am I asexual". After reading about 40 infuriating replies from people all saying "yes, you must surely be asexual" I commented saying "you are too young to make that assumption as people mature sexually at different ages". They banned me from posting for a month. |
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Post by celibatejoe on Aug 18, 2017 11:30:59 GMT -5
If a man is asexual or doesn't like sex, I'd want to know that on or before my first date so I didn't waste time thinking he was a prospective romantic partner. I have a good friend who, before asking me out, let me know he is incurable impotent. We go out as friends and he is a great friend. I appreciate his honesty I suspect celibatejoe's real reason for thinking it would be too hurtful to tell women he lacks sexual interest is that he likes being married but if he told prospective partners about that, they would not marry or date him. When I was younger I was not nearly as self-aware as I am now. I would have done things a lot differently had I known then what I know to be true now. It is easier to come out as a pedophile than to declare one's self incapable of sexual intimacy, whatever that is. Sexual interest is not the same as sexual desire, or a craving for this unattainable thing, for me, called "sexual intimacy." It sure as hell is NOT for lack of trying. I have had LOTS of sex, maybe even more than you have, and if my partners hadn't liked it, I would not have become as sexually experienced as I am. You persist in the unsupported belief that this intimacy thing is readily available to all people, that it's just a matter of will. It isn't. You grew up in your environment. I grew up in mine. I have been gracious and understanding in responding to your comments here. I recognize your anguish and anger, but you seem to take pleasure in projecting all of it on me. |
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Post by celibatejoe on Aug 18, 2017 12:03:53 GMT -5
I have been on the Aven site which is a dedicated site for people who class themselves as on 'spectrum' of asexuality. From sex repulsed to just not interested in sex it is quite clear from the way many of them post that they have that opinion. They're mostly whiny children and millennials who still live with their parents. "Why should I miss out on perspective partners due to my asexual status". Often they then write on there moaning that they are being pressured for sex by their partner. Really all they want is someone to impregnate them or some to impregnate. Beyond this they just want cake and rice crispies. Some of them are desperate to 'recruit' more asexual beings. I read one thread where a 15 year old girl who hadn't experienced sexual desire created a thread asking "am I asexual". After reading about 40 infuriating replies from people all saying "yes, you must surely be asexual" I commented saying "you are too young to make that assumption as people mature sexually at different ages". They banned me from posting for a month. And yet the administrators of that site want asexuality to be taken seriously by sexuals. Asexuality isn't a sexual orientation, any more than atheism is a religious orientation. |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 18, 2017 12:35:13 GMT -5
"You persist in the unsupported belief that this intimacy thing is readily available to all people, that it's just a matter of will."
Not at all. I keep saying that a person may be able to force them self to have sex but they can't force themselves to want sex or enjoy sex. A person who knows this about their self should let prospective spouses or dates know this info. Have told this to a refused here whose husband told her while dating that he is probably asexual. Instead of complaining and trying to chsnge him, she needs to accept that her husband is incapable of what she wants. She can divorce or get a lover to meet her sexual needs.
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Post by lwoetin on Aug 18, 2017 16:56:51 GMT -5
You haven't (unless I missed it) fully explained your background nor what brought you here. I thought I explained a lot, at least about myself. What brought me here is the opportunity to present a different perspective. I want to reiterate that you are most welcome in my opinion because you may bring about some further understanding. Thanks, but I'm not sure I'm most welcome here, at least not by everyone. Your equipment works fine with enough concentration so what is the deal here. Do you not desire your wife? Do you not desire sex full stop? I don't desire anyone, Rejected101. Did you know this before you married her? I knew that it was my job to have sex, that it was something I had to do to keep a girlfriend or wife. Sex was always just a means to an end. I also knew that no woman wants to hear that. A woman's self-esteem derives in large part from feeling desired and desirable. I never could understand that, and still don't. Did you hide it from her or were you totally open about it. That kind of honesty is cruel. I have yet to meet a woman that wants a man to be that honest with her. They say they want honesty, no matter how badly it hurts to hear it, but they don't mean it. That has been my experience. I know I sound like I'm generalizing, but I have a lot of experience. I've been married my entire adult life. I've been a good husband -- affectionate, stable, reliable, considerate. Just not passionate. Not since 2011 or 2012. I'm not sure. The last four or five times were rather pathetic. There are so many questions that I feel compelled to ask you. My experience of sexlessness steers me towards being somewhat bitter and angered by it. Please share if you feel comfortable. I don't begrudge the feelings people have here. Your anger and resentment are justified. I just want to point out that there are men like me, and that we're not the scum of the earth. Sexual intimacy isn't for everyone. there have been other visitors here who are so called refusers. A few months ago a lady who was a lawyer showed up and she was sharp. I wish she stayed longer, but I think she got tired of arguing her position. I think she got irritated by the term refusers so she coined the opposing group demanders. Hahaha. I just don't see the point of judging people by their sexual desire. You are not scum of the earth. And I still love my wife. For now. |
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Post by celibatejoe on Aug 18, 2017 17:04:13 GMT -5
there have been other visitors here who are so called refusers. A few months ago a lady who was a lawyer showed up and she was sharp. I wish she stayed longer, but I think she got tired of arguing her position. I think she got irritated by the term refusers so she coined the opposing group demanders. Hahaha. I just don't see the point of judging people by their sexual desire. You are not scum of the earth. And I still love my wife. For now. Demanders, yeah I like that. There does seem to be a common thread here of lost and/or intentionally withheld sexual "intimacy," whatever that is. What we need are contracts that explicitly enumerate the sexual obligations of prospective spouses. I think that would prevent a lot of this drama over marital, partnered sex, or lack thereof. |
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 18, 2017 19:03:49 GMT -5
celibatejoe You are not the scum of the earth if you attract a wife that is equally asexual, or at least agree to an open marriage. In the world of kink, there are things that happen so disturbing that I don't dare go into them, but they are all done with consent and the partners go into it with full knowledge. If you were not honest about your lack of desire, your moral standards are far lower than the most intense sadist I could ever imagine.
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Post by celibatejoe on Aug 18, 2017 19:20:30 GMT -5
If you not honest about your lack of desire, your moral standards are far lower than the most intense sadist I could ever imagine. How does one explain color to a blind man? I've never known sexual intimacy, but no one has ever asked me about it, either. When you're having sex every day, the subject doesn't come up. It's only in retrospect that I can surmise what kind of man I was, at the time. It has taken me this long to recognize that I am an emotional cripple, and that there is no hope. My wife accepts that about me, as far as I can tell, and we carry on. There is no failure to disclose if one does not have the information to disclose, in the first place. What any of this has to do with BDSM is beyond me. |
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 18, 2017 19:22:37 GMT -5
What we need are contracts that explicitly enumerate the sexual obligations of prospective spouses. I think that would prevent a lot of this drama over marital, partnered sex, or lack thereof. We have that contract. "To have and to hold" is in the wedding vows. Let me take that a step farther. It is a vow before God, and for those with a religious background I do not need to explain how damning it is to break an oath to the All Mighty. |
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 18, 2017 19:24:45 GMT -5
If you not honest about your lack of desire, your moral standards are far lower than the most intense sadist I could ever imagine. How does one explain color to a blind man? I've never known sexual intimacy, but no one has ever asked me about it, either. When you're having sex every day, the subject doesn't come up. It's only in retrospect that I can surmise what kind of man I was, at the time. It has taken me this long to recognize that I am an emotional cripple, and that there is no hope. My wife accepts that about me, as far as I can tell, and we carry on. There is no failure to disclose if one does not have the information to disclose, in the first place. What any of this has to do with BDSM is beyond me. Discuss opening up the marriage so that she can get what she needs. I know if I could not satisfy my wife, I'd beg her to take on a third. Forcing celibacy on someone without their consent crosses by definition from a kink to abuse. It's that simple. You'very got a kink you admit no woman would put up with if she knew. Right? They don't want that kind of honesty, right? |
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Post by celibatejoe on Aug 18, 2017 19:34:47 GMT -5
Discuss opening up the marriage so that she can get what she needs. Why? She doesn't need my permission. No spouse does. How do I know she needs sex? She has never told me. She's done without it for years, without complaint. The decision is hers, not mine. Forcing celibacy on someone without their consent crosses by definition from a kink to abuse. Ridiculous. She's' the one turning ME down. SHE is the refuser. I'm the one offering sex, but she doesn't want it. It's conditioned on desire, which is not mine to give. I have no kink, and neither does she. We're just a sexless couple. Deal with it. |
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Post by celibatejoe on Aug 18, 2017 19:37:53 GMT -5
We have that contract. "To have and to hold" is in the wedding vows. That would never stand up in court, and you know it. It's hopelessly vague. It is a vow before God, and for those with a religious background I do not need to explain how damning it is to break an oath to the All Mighty. It must not be important to this imaginary diety. Most people break that oath. The marriage contract should specify what happens when desire is gone. I would think you folks would want that, in order to prevent all the drama. |
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