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Post by northstarmom on Oct 3, 2017 10:40:49 GMT -5
"It has been suggested here that she was not abusive."
That's because there are similarly abused people here who won't admit even to themselves that they are abused.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 3, 2017 10:48:11 GMT -5
I agree wholeheartedly baza. In my case, my refuser cut me off from all sex, then told me that my penis didn't even work anymore, plus she told me that I was a horrible husband, all of her friends had better husbands, and she could easily find a better one. It has been suggested here that she was not abusive. She was belittling you and that is abuse. Yes, I agree. |
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Post by darktippedrose on Oct 3, 2017 11:25:59 GMT -5
It is abuse. My husband plays off belittling as humour. and has started doing it in front of other people grrrrrr.
And his step-daughter who has add, and has some of her father's traits, doesn't get it. She thinks its funny.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 3, 2017 12:27:13 GMT -5
darktippedrose , if I dare say, the situation you endure is the most abusive one that I have seen in any discussion on this forum or any other. I think just the denial of sexual affection is abuse within itself. For you and several other members, it is only one facet of an abusive relationship.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 3, 2017 14:19:55 GMT -5
"It is abuse. My husband plays off belittling as humour. and has started doing it in front of other people "
You need to call him on his behavior. Say something like, "that is not funny. It is cruel."
Normal people would not think his behavior is funny. They probably are hurting and cringing for you. Your stepdaughter has been targeted by his so called jokes so she may think laughing will protect her. I remember on EP you posted that he had said hateful things about his kids by his ex wife. That girl is hurting like you.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 3, 2017 15:49:16 GMT -5
"It has been suggested here that she was not abusive." That's because there are similarly abused people here who won't admit even to themselves that they are abused. Yes, that is absolutely true. The last time I saw my refuser, she called me "Bud" in a very condescending voice. I told her that I did not like to be called that, and I asked her not to do it again. So she said, "I can call you whatever I want, BUD." So I looked her directly in the eye, and I said these words, "If you want me to leave, call me Bud one more time." And she did. I know it's funny, but that was the last straw. |
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Post by darktippedrose on Oct 4, 2017 15:41:48 GMT -5
I have tried to talk to my husband about it. He'll say that I think too hard, and that I'll hurt myself. He'll say everyone in the room moved ahead of everything. I just think too hard, blah blah blah. YOU're so immature and sensitive.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 4, 2017 16:17:47 GMT -5
I have tried to talk to my husband about it. He'll say that I think too hard, and that I'll hurt myself. He'll say everyone in the room moved ahead of everything. I just think too hard, blah blah blah. YOU're so immature and sensitive. I am so sorry. He is a very rude and uncaring person. |
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Post by darktippedrose on Oct 4, 2017 16:21:00 GMT -5
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Post by brian on Oct 4, 2017 19:53:14 GMT -5
Maybe you APPEAR to be thinking too hard because you're the only one in the room with the mental capability to understand what's actually going on!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 4, 2017 21:54:23 GMT -5
I've read some articles lately discussing the impact on a child of being neglected, overlooked, forgotten by their parents. Not beaten, starved, deprived of medical attention, etc....Just overlooked. According to these articles, although it isn't outright abuse, neglect can damage a child emotionally. (Next time I see one of those articles, I'll post the link.)
I feel that I was neglected in my childhood and youth - and I'm beginning to see how this has affected my own behavior, and some of the relationships I've had with men. Damn, I feel like I might be opening a whole new can of worms.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 5, 2017 6:40:57 GMT -5
Smartkat, sounds like a painful but important insight. One of the most painful but important insights I learned from therapy was that my mom, whom I had regarded as very loving and my best friend, also had basically repeatedly abandoned me emotionally when I needed her. She also had repeatedly said cruel things that she passed off as jokes while claiming I was at fault for being hurt.
I spent 36 years with a man who was incapable of emotionally connecting with me. I also had had friends who were similar and who like my mom said cruel things to me.
Until I was able to accept the truth of my childhood and also recognize and avoid the signs of emotional unavailability I kept being attracted to emotionally blunted people for relationships.
I'm now happily with a man who returns my love and listens to me and responds appropriately. I have friends who are there for me as I am for them. Therapy and a lot of journaling and other self analysis and big efforts to change got me here. I'm not saying to do these things to get a man. There is no guarantee of that. I'm saying to do those things to free yourself of patterns that are impeding your happiness.
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