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Post by rejected101 on Aug 19, 2017 21:57:02 GMT -5
Umm, you're the one who listed all the things she doesn't do... That's true, and in retrospect perhaps I shouldn't have. My wife and I are an odd couple but I don't need to defend my motives. There's a lot more to marriage than sex, and that is not why either of us married the other. You are right celibatejoe when you say there is more to marriage then sex. However it's like the age old saying that money can't buy you happiness. Well that is correct. We all know that. But being financially destitute can make you seriously depressed and in some extreme cases people have ended their lives over the worry and unhappiness financial difficulties have brought them. So is it better to be wealthy or riddled with debt? Sex is very similar in my opinion. Whilst there is more to a marriage then just sex, no sex or seriously low sex can and often does bring about some serious unhappiness in otherwise happy people. Hence the reason this forum exists. |
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 19, 2017 22:26:14 GMT -5
I think everyone has a right to be confused, here. The quick snap to her defense indicates to me that he does care about her, although perhaps not in the way she would like.
I am under the impression she is low labido, where he is asexual. Given her uncaring nature toward needing more than what she is getting, I guarantee I'd wreck her in less than one evening.
As such, Joe's situation really does not compare with most of our situations.
Did I read that correctly that Joe did not disclose his a sexuality to her prior to the commitment? That, to me, shows a serious lack of ethics. Beyond that, assuming that what he is saying is true about her low level of desire, there is no issue. I will reiterate that I doubt that is truly the case. My bet is she in embarrassed and shaming herself because she feels undesirable.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 19, 2017 23:31:09 GMT -5
Celibatejoe, if your wife is do wonderful, why did you describe her like this: " said:She doesn't cook, clean or articulate well. She has little education and swears like a sailor. Plus she is always disappearing to have a cigarette.."
Your words make her sound like a loser. You don't describe her with respect. That doesn't reflect well on you. No wonder you wouldn't want her to share her perspective here.
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Post by celibatejoe on Aug 20, 2017 7:21:11 GMT -5
Yes, point taken. I have my problems with her but I am her husband.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 20, 2017 7:24:53 GMT -5
Celibatejoe, what attracted you to decide to marry her?
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Post by eternaloptimism on Aug 21, 2017 1:50:01 GMT -5
Hi again celibatejoe (that autocorrected to celibrate joe ha ha.... and so we should, it's another perspective:) I'm really interested to hear the reasons you two stay married. I truly can't figure out if you you are both happy or if one has an issue with the status quo or if you are both in it because you refer to yourselves as an "odd couple" and think that this is the best relationship you can be in? I truly believe there is genuine happiness available to every person on this planet. You find it by being authentic to yourself, taking care of your self and your needs, and treating others as you would like to be treated, but also taking no shit. If you desire a partner, long term, you need someone equal. You need someone who supports you being happy and you do the same for them. Even if one day that means leaving if you are no longer happy together. It's honesty and authenticity that keep us on the right path with the right people. Sometimes we outgrow others. That's not a bad thing. Sometimes they outgrow us. Great, they are improving their life situation. I just want to understand where you are at. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2017 15:20:55 GMT -5
Celibatejoe, in addition to posting your story, would you be willing to invite your wife to give her viewpoint. It would be a rare opportunity to gain insight to be able to read both sides of a SM. She would kill me if she knew I was here, and she would be very suspicious of your motives. She's a grown woman. If she wants to leave or cheat, she will. If she doesn't, it's because she's married to a good man. If your wife really is happy with your marriage the way it is - why would she mind you talking about it with other people. I think what most spouses would mind, would be if you come here to complain about your marriage. Well, they would call it "complaining;" we call it "reaching out for help." But you have not complained about your wife or your marriage. And you say that she likes your marriage the way it is. In that case, why do you come here? We get very few people here who are happy - people come here because something feels wrong. And FWIW, if the deal is just that you're asexual, and she is willing (truly willing) to accept this - then I for one don't think you're the scum of the earth. But the fact that you're here at all makes me wonder if things are really good as you make them sound. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2017 15:24:58 GMT -5
It's really not my suggestion to make, one way or the other. I'm not that kind of paternalistic, manipulative, controlling husband. She'll cheat if she wants. She'll not cheat if she doesn't. It's her decision to make, not mine. I'll be blunt: you sound like a rather cold person. I don't understand how you can talk about your situation almost as if it were happening to someone on the other side of the world, whom you don't even know. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2017 16:59:30 GMT -5
OK, maybe that was harsh. If I hurt or offended you, I apologize.
But I will still say that I'm really struck by the seeming lack of any emotions as you describe your marriage.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 21, 2017 18:34:06 GMT -5
I'm sure a lot of this seems harsh. I do hope that celibatejoe takes our input either in stride or constructively. One thing I do note is that he has been willing to engage in some tough discussions. Even if we don't agree on much, I am happy to see it. I hope this is a,learning experience for him, too. I have heard that if we go on the pro-asexual websites and post our views, they are deleted and we are banned. Cutting out the tongue of the messenger does not change the truth. It only shows that they fear it. |
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Sept 24, 2017 21:48:51 GMT -5
You do have choices. They might not be pleasant and faced with consequences you might not necessarily like to confront but you always have a choice. At present you choose to stay and tolerate the situation which is a choice in itself.
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Post by wanderlust on Oct 2, 2017 17:34:26 GMT -5
Idk... is it abusive to make the other person in a relationship feel like shit, potentially send them into a depressive tailspin, deny them happiness and fulfillment in a relationship, minimize their feelings, and belittle them for thinking that sex was normal and ok? I think we all know the answer. Oh it's fine.... Your just not looking at from their point of view....!!! Who are you to force them to be someone they are not.....  It works for them!!! Who are we to force unhappiness on them??? It's the very reason we are in this deadend pit.... I think most have good sex before marriage and base our relationship on the hope it will continue. If you went into a relationship knowing that sex was a non-negotiable no, the answer would be accept or move on. When the bait and switch happens, it takes us a while to catch up, we were not informed the rules had changed. We get frustrated and mad, that is not what we thought we were getting. We didn't get married to be celibate but you can't force someone to love you. We are in committed relationships that are complicated and financially draining to leave. IMHO I would not call it abusive, though to the refused, it feels that way. |
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Post by baza on Oct 2, 2017 21:35:35 GMT -5
Some scenarios....
#1 - your spouse gives you a smack across the mouth and says "you are a rotten spouse"
Abusive ?
#2 - your spouse raises their hand as if to strike you and says "you are a rotten spouse"
Abusive ?
#3 - your spouse gets right up in your face and screams "you are a rotten spouse"
Abusive ?
#4 - your spouse says - in even tones - "you are a rotten spouse"
Abusive ?
#5 - your spouse says to you - ever so nicely - "you are a rotten spouse"
Abusive ?
#6 - your spouse, without saying a word, trivialises you
Abusive ?
Abuse does not depend on whether you wear a left hook to the head or not.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 3, 2017 9:33:57 GMT -5
Some scenarios.... #1 - your spouse gives you a smack across the mouth and says "you are a rotten spouse" Abusive ? #2 - your spouse raises their hand as if to strike you and says "you are a rotten spouse" Abusive ? #3 - your spouse gets right up in your face and screams "you are a rotten spouse" Abusive ? #4 - your spouse says - in even tones - "you are a rotten spouse" Abusive ? #5 - your spouse says to you - ever so nicely - "you are a rotten spouse" Abusive ? #6 - your spouse, without saying a word, trivialises you Abusive ? Abuse does not depend on whether you wear a left hook to the head or not. I agree wholeheartedly baza. In my case, my refuser cut me off from all sex, then told me that my penis didn't even work anymore, plus she told me that I was a horrible husband, all of her friends had better husbands, and she could easily find a better one. It has been suggested here that she was not abusive. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 3, 2017 10:39:02 GMT -5
Some scenarios.... #1 - your spouse gives you a smack across the mouth and says "you are a rotten spouse" Abusive ? #2 - your spouse raises their hand as if to strike you and says "you are a rotten spouse" Abusive ? #3 - your spouse gets right up in your face and screams "you are a rotten spouse" Abusive ? #4 - your spouse says - in even tones - "you are a rotten spouse" Abusive ? #5 - your spouse says to you - ever so nicely - "you are a rotten spouse" Abusive ? #6 - your spouse, without saying a word, trivialises you Abusive ? Abuse does not depend on whether you wear a left hook to the head or not. I agree wholeheartedly baza. In my case, my refuser cut me off from all sex, then told me that my penis didn't even work anymore, plus she told me that I was a horrible husband, all of her friends had better husbands, and she could easily find a better one. It has been suggested here that she was not abusive. She was belittling you and that is abuse. |
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It works for them!!! Who are we to force unhappiness on them???
