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Post by carl on Aug 13, 2017 8:42:39 GMT -5
Reading some of the threads and posts on this site it is truly heart breaking to see the pattern of being refused sexual contact that so many people are trapped in. I never really appreciated that other people were in a similar situation. Although i feel strongly for everyone who lives in such pain and humiliation, really there isn't a reasonable way out, but isn't that partly the whole point of it - that there is no way out and doesn't the refuser know this. People obviously in such turmoil. A sexual desire that cannot even be shown or allowed. The refuser starts to sound more like the abuser to me. I personally don't trust that refusers male or female don't know exactly what they are doing and that they don't derive some sort of pleasure or benefit from it. When you think about it you could laugh it off but when i think more carefully it starts to sound more sinister. Definitely on a par with adultery or extortion. What if you could prove that a spouse deliberately refused sex for years in order suppress their partner, for power or control over them. For me my sex drive needs a channel at times, either physical relief, flirtation or some kind of fun, but in a sexless marriage I can't do anything. The other day an attractive member of the opposite sex walked by so for a change i smiled and we started chatting. I would have slept with them but I had to get going, or i would be missed, back to someone who refuses me. So I don't normally smile. Whats the point ! I am not a free person.
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Post by brian on Aug 13, 2017 9:10:43 GMT -5
Idk... is it abusive to make the other person in a relationship feel like shit, potentially send them into a depressive tailspin, deny them happiness and fulfillment in a relationship, minimize their feelings, and belittle them for thinking that sex was normal and ok?
I think we all know the answer.
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Post by rejected101 on Aug 13, 2017 12:28:52 GMT -5
It is but there is a huge problem with it being publicly named as abusive. Unfortunately it is socially unacceptable to be pushy or even request more sex because the non sexual person can and will always throw up their hands and cry 'sex pest'. Their lack of comfort with having sex will always always supersede your lack of comfort without sex. If you say anything, you are applying pressure and if you bring it up more than once, you may even be labelled an abuser or a control freak. If you say nothing, it will be interpreted as 'you are fine with this'. If you leave you are a 'bitch' or an 'arse hole' who is sex obsessed. If you cheat you are the same as if you leave. Personally I believe before any marriage happens it should be obligatory to have 3-4 sessions with a sex therapist to find whether you are sexually compatible or not and then be given advice as to what to do if you aren't or if that compatibility diminishes. I would only guess that above 90% of affairs only happen due to a lack of sex.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 13, 2017 12:42:20 GMT -5
"Although i feel strongly for everyone who lives in such pain and humiliation, really there isn't a reasonable way out,"
With the exception of people in countries that forbid divorce, divorce is the reasonable way out.
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Post by carl on Aug 13, 2017 15:54:21 GMT -5
It is but there is a huge problem with it being publicly named as abusive. Unfortunately it is socially unacceptable to be pushy or even request more sex because the non sexual person can and will always throw up their hands and cry 'sex pest'. Their lack of comfort with having sex will always always supersede your lack of comfort without sex. If you say anything, you are applying pressure and if you bring it up more than once, you may even be labelled an abuser or a control freak. If you say nothing, it will be interpreted as 'you are fine with this'. If you leave you are a 'bitch' or an 'arse hole' who is sex obsessed. If you cheat you are the same as if you leave. Personally I believe before any marriage happens it should be obligatory to have 3-4 sessions with a sex therapist to find whether you are sexually compatible or not and then be given advice as to what to do if you aren't or if that compatibility diminishes. I would only guess that above 90% of affairs only happen due to a lack of sex. Brilliantly put. There is a social assumption that declining sex is acceptable. People almost joke about it. But would you think differently if someone you knew was a long term refuser. I must admit now I would see them as an abuser. |
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Post by carl on Aug 13, 2017 15:56:10 GMT -5
"Although i feel strongly for everyone who lives in such pain and humiliation, really there isn't a reasonable way out," With the exception of people in countries that forbid divorce, divorce is the reasonable way out. And even divorce isn't always possible. |
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Post by rejected101 on Aug 13, 2017 16:02:06 GMT -5
"Although i feel strongly for everyone who lives in such pain and humiliation, really there isn't a reasonable way out," With the exception of people in countries that forbid divorce, divorce is the reasonable way out. And even divorce isn't always possible. And yet divorce can cost you more than half of everything and a lifetime of seeing you children every other weekend. So as reasonable as it may sound in terms of the law, one person will always end up losing more than the other. |
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Post by rejected101 on Aug 13, 2017 16:07:46 GMT -5
It is but there is a huge problem with it being publicly named as abusive. Unfortunately it is socially unacceptable to be pushy or even request more sex because the non sexual person can and will always throw up their hands and cry 'sex pest'. Their lack of comfort with having sex will always always supersede your lack of comfort without sex. If you say anything, you are applying pressure and if you bring it up more than once, you may even be labelled an abuser or a control freak. If you say nothing, it will be interpreted as 'you are fine with this'. If you leave you are a 'bitch' or an 'arse hole' who is sex obsessed. If you cheat you are the same as if you leave. Personally I believe before any marriage happens it should be obligatory to have 3-4 sessions with a sex therapist to find whether you are sexually compatible or not and then be given advice as to what to do if you aren't or if that compatibility diminishes. I would only guess that above 90% of affairs only happen due to a lack of sex. Brilliantly put. There is a social assumption that declining sex is acceptable. People almost joke about it. But would you think differently if someone you knew was a long term refuser. I must admit now I would see them as an abuser. I've often wondered what my wife would think if in 10 or 15 years our daughter came to her and said her fiancé rarely wanted to have sex with her. And that this made her feel undesirable, sexually frustrated, humiliated, un loved, paranoid that her performance wasn't good enough and in general quite unhappy. I know I'd be telling her to leave but I simply can't guess what my wife would say (assuming that is if her fiancé was perfect in every other way). |
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Post by baza on Aug 13, 2017 18:29:38 GMT -5
"What if you could prove that a spouse deliberately refused sex for years in order suppress their partner, for power or control over them." - you ask Brother carl . Whether you can prove it or not makes no material difference to the facts on the ground. If *you* "know" that that is the situation, or *you* "think" that might be the situation, or *you* "suspect" that might be the situation, then *you* are as entitled as anyone else to take the appropriate actions in response as you see fit. You can stay - and keep paying the price that choice extracts from you You can cheat - and wear the good / bad consequences that ensue from that choice You can leave - and pay the additional short term cost that choice carries with it They are all perfectly legitimate choices. And, they are also very challenging and difficult choices. You ARE a "free person" Brother carl . And with that freedom comes the responsibility of making difficult choices. Unfortunately, much as we might like it to be otherwise, no-one gets a pass on choice. No-one. |
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Post by h on Aug 14, 2017 4:38:11 GMT -5
Brilliantly put. There is a social assumption that declining sex is acceptable. People almost joke about it. But would you think differently if someone you knew was a long term refuser. I must admit now I would see them as an abuser. I've often wondered what my wife would think if in 10 or 15 years our daughter came to her and said her fiancé rarely wanted to have sex with her. And that this made her feel undesirable, sexually frustrated, humiliated, un loved, paranoid that her performance wasn't good enough and in general quite unhappy. I know I'd be telling her to leave but I simply can't guess what my wife would say (assuming that is if her fiancé was perfect in every other way). did a post on his blog about this exact situation. |
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Post by solitarysoul on Aug 14, 2017 7:26:20 GMT -5
Idk... is it abusive to make the other person in a relationship feel like shit, potentially send them into a depressive tailspin, deny them happiness and fulfillment in a relationship, minimize their feelings, and belittle them for thinking that sex was normal and ok? I think we all know the answer. Oh it's fine.... Your just not looking at from their point of view....!!! Who are you to force them to be someone they are not.....  It works for them!!! Who are we to force unhappiness on them??? It's the very reason we are in this deadend pit.... |
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Post by solitarysoul on Aug 14, 2017 7:27:33 GMT -5
It is but there is a huge problem with it being publicly named as abusive. Unfortunately it is socially unacceptable to be pushy or even request more sex because the non sexual person can and will always throw up their hands and cry 'sex pest'. Their lack of comfort with having sex will always always supersede your lack of comfort without sex. If you say anything, you are applying pressure and if you bring it up more than once, you may even be labelled an abuser or a control freak. If you say nothing, it will be interpreted as 'you are fine with this'. If you leave you are a 'bitch' or an 'arse hole' who is sex obsessed. If you cheat you are the same as if you leave. Personally I believe before any marriage happens it should be obligatory to have 3-4 sessions with a sex therapist to find whether you are sexually compatible or not and then be given advice as to what to do if you aren't or if that compatibility diminishes. I would only guess that above 90% of affairs only happen due to a lack of sex. My W just call me a pervert....cause people who into sex are exactly that.... |
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Post by solitarysoul on Aug 14, 2017 7:29:32 GMT -5
And even divorce isn't always possible. And yet divorce can cost you more than half of everything and a lifetime of seeing you children every other weekend. So as reasonable as it may sound in terms of the law, one person will always end up losing more than the other. If divorce would result in a reasonable outcome....I would have taken it...but it doesn't, and I, the refused would end up far the lesser.... |
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Post by rejected101 on Aug 14, 2017 7:32:52 GMT -5
It is but there is a huge problem with it being publicly named as abusive. Unfortunately it is socially unacceptable to be pushy or even request more sex because the non sexual person can and will always throw up their hands and cry 'sex pest'. Their lack of comfort with having sex will always always supersede your lack of comfort without sex. If you say anything, you are applying pressure and if you bring it up more than once, you may even be labelled an abuser or a control freak. If you say nothing, it will be interpreted as 'you are fine with this'. If you leave you are a 'bitch' or an 'arse hole' who is sex obsessed. If you cheat you are the same as if you leave. Personally I believe before any marriage happens it should be obligatory to have 3-4 sessions with a sex therapist to find whether you are sexually compatible or not and then be given advice as to what to do if you aren't or if that compatibility diminishes. I would only guess that above 90% of affairs only happen due to a lack of sex. My W just call me a pervert....cause people who into sex are exactly that.... Classic defence mechanism. Label them as 'sex pest' or something else with a perverse connotation and they will immediately back down and back away. |
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Post by solitarysoul on Aug 14, 2017 7:45:53 GMT -5
My W just call me a pervert....cause people who into sex are exactly that.... Classic defence mechanism. Label them as 'sex pest' or something else with a perverse connotation and they will immediately back down and back away. Works really well with me...now I totally stay away from her... |
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It works for them!!! Who are we to force unhappiness on them???
