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Post by rejected101 on Aug 18, 2017 3:40:12 GMT -5
"I just got tired of always giving, and never getting" What do you mean? What weren't you getting? Any kind of emotional connection, a sense that sex had any meaning at all. Not to mention it always took me a long time to climax, on the few occasions I did. My partners always got a lot more than I did. I'm struggling to work your situation out celebatejoe. It almost sounds like you have turned your back on sex because you struggled to climax and you struggled to see the value in it. Going back to what my counsellor said which you disagreed with (I'm not sure why), it's not 'your' sex life it was yours AND your wife's. You took it away from her because it was harder work than you wanted it to be but life is hard work. The best things come as a result of hard work. Your choice of words such as "any kind of connection, a sense that sex had any meaning at all" leads me to wonder if you are indeed Asexual? If so you are going to have to buy or bake a lot more cake! |
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Post by rejected101 on Aug 18, 2017 3:43:43 GMT -5
My wedding vows said "to have and to hold". I always inferred simple affection and loyalty from that statement. There was nothing mentioned about desire or sexual compatibility when I took my vows, and I was not raised to even consider either. With the exception of very few scenarios such as very old people looking for companionship, who exactly enters a relationship or dare I say a commitment of marriage and honestly believes that sex won't form part of that relationship? I always did it for companionship, since sex eventually stops in a marriage anyway. I never thought much about sex until I was forced to stop anyway, because of a heart attack, even though in my mind I had already made the decision. That clinched it for me, because I thought about it a lot in the hospital. I would guess that it would be under 1% of people. When you get married you are doing a lot more than "promising that you won't have sex with others". I think you have misunderstood the meaning of marriage entirely. As far as I knew, my parents never had sex. It's not like they tried to hide it. They just didn't do it. You're certainly right that my marriages were mistakes, but I did the best I could. There was lots of sex during the first two, although it made no difference. I'm convinced that you sound Asexual. You misinterpreted 'to have have and to hold' because sex is exactly what that is referring to. It's a classy way saying 'do you take X as your lawful wedded wife? To fuck and to pleasure her......and so on |
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Post by h on Aug 18, 2017 5:25:52 GMT -5
I can't even begin to understand your view celibatejoe. You say that you feel no intimacy or feelings of connection from sex. I (and many others here) don't feel anything WITHOUT sex. The longer I go without sex with my wife, the less I feel anything at all for her. Sex with her is what maintains my emotional bond to her. Without it, the connection fades away and I feel less of everything towards her. I go numb inside and feel alone. If your wife feels the same way, she will likely be feeling that pain of loneliness. Sex is an integral part of who I am and having it removed from my life without my consent is tearing me apart. Your wife may feel the same way about it but not know how to start the discussion. I didn't know how to until I came here. I can't honestly believe that your wife is happy with this. I think you should direct her here so she has someone else to talk to about it. If you do, be prepared for the possibility that she doesn't want to continue to live the same life she has. |
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Post by rejected101 on Aug 18, 2017 6:12:43 GMT -5
I'm struggling to work your situation out celebatejoe. It almost sounds like you have turned your back on sex because you struggled to climax and you struggled to see the value in it. Going back to what my counsellor said which you disagreed with (I'm not sure why), it's not 'your' sex life it was yours AND your wife's. You took it away from her because it was harder work than you wanted it to be but life is hard work. The best things come as a result of hard work. Your choice of words such as "any kind of connection, a sense that sex had any meaning at all" leads me to wonder if you are indeed Asexual? If so you are going to have to buy or bake a lot more cake! Unless I misunderstood some of his posts on several threads, celibatejoe is still willing to have sex. His W just doesn't want the presumably "starfish" sex he has to offer. I don't profess to be an expert. Far from it. I do have a view though that star fish sex is a cop out. Nobody honestly needs to just lay there and take it. It's BS. It's an act that takes 2 people to be involved in to be any good. So at the very very least, making her enjoyment the goal, effort can be achieved. If he simply doesn't find her attractive anymore, he should make it known and allow her to go elsewhere. It depends on whether someone is selfless enough to make that effort. By his comments of "I'm done" I have concluded that he is done having sex altogether. Maybe I am wrong but the it looks like he is done because he is tired of being ridden as he is just not in to it. Well unfortunately, whilst I don't want to appear in any way a bully or assassinate his character I have my views. My views are based on life experiences and my morals. Just because someone doesn't find excitement in any particular act be it sexual or other does not mean they can't throw themselves selflessly in to it. I love my dogs! I walk them every day for a minimum of 30 minutes and and up to an hour. Come rain or shine it is every single day without fail. I accepted that when I got my dogs, being a dog owner means you have to do this. Some days I simply feel knackered. I don't want to walk them. Some days it is -4 degrees and walking them is not pleasant. I do it regardless for their health and enjoyment. My dogs don't give 2 craps if we are all going to get soaked to the bone. They love their walks. Whilst my dogs both love me back, I'm sure they would have less love for me if I chose to stop walking them because I find it worthless, because I find it tiring. This is something I do for up to an hour every single day of the week, every single month, all year. I fail to see how someone can't spend 20-30 minutes, in the comfort and warmth of their own home, providing that enjoyment for the person they stood up with, in front of their friends and family and vowed to make them the most special one for the rest of their lives. We can all provide excuse after excuse after excuse for people who withdraw from sex. There maybe changes in people's bodies that cause a raised or lowered libido but my view is that there is no excuse (unless you are physically incapable for some medical reason) to withdraw or simply starfish. Going back to my dogs, when I finally get over the mental barrier of stepping outside in the freezing cold after a 12 hour day at work, I take the best enjoyment I can from seeing the running, pissing, shittitng and chasing each other. My enjoyment is that they are enjoying themselves. Most parents know this situation all to well with their kids. Now we will no doubt hear from those who believe sex is is different, sex is unique. You can't compare sex to walking your dogs or taking your children to watch a really crap movie that they love but you are bored stiff in. The fact is it is not different. By virtue of you marriage, within reason, you consented. The consent is not unconditional but none the less it should be honoured to the best of ones ability. It boiled down to this. You are selfless or you are selfish. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Aug 18, 2017 6:34:32 GMT -5
My 80 year old grandparents are still getting it on in someway shape or form, according to my aunt that is living with them. My grandfather has a heart valve replaced and is on blood thinners. My grandmother had multiple strokes. I don't even know how that works, but OK. More power to them. That's not the kind of marriage I ever anticipated for myself. I wasn't raised that way. It's not in my realm of experience. Thankfully, the Aunt didn't go into details but, even if his equipment no longer works it doesn't prevent other activities that provide the intimate emotional connection. Often for me, I get the biggest feelings when I Take care of my W for the evening with nothing expected in return. We have many members that bring up medical issues that prevent sex as a reason or justification as to why their partner can no longer have sex. But excuse is hogwash, if they wanted to have sex, they would figure out a way. My 80 year old grandparents are a perfect example. Don't use your medical condition as cover for you but fully expiring to your wife. So what if the heart meds keep your equipment from working, here still does and still wants your touch. I have cried myself internally to sleep many nights when the W didn't want any form of sex. I say internally because didn't want to let her in to my emotions any more. The constant pain was to much. Myself and many of the members here have been or still are in deep depression because of our spouses choose to reject us. If your Want has stopped trying to have sex, she might be trying to burry her emotions just to keep surviving, so she doesn't kill her self. |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 18, 2017 6:35:05 GMT -5
I wish celibatejoe' wife were here. Then I could tell her that he is incapable of providing her with the mutually pleasurable sex she wants. He can not change. She can not change him. she can only obtain the sex she wants by finding a man who sexually desires her. She is wasting years by trying to make him what he is not.
She is like the iliasm woman who still keeps trying to seduce her husband who told her before they got married that he isn't into sex and thinks he may be asexual. She still refused to understand why offering him blow jobs led to rejection and his giving her birthday sex felt emptying
I'm glad celibatejoe is here sharing his experience. I hope the refused learn from his words and I hope they give up on trying to explain, seduce or guilt their partners into passionate sex their partner's can't give. The only people the refused can change is themselves.
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Post by rejected101 on Aug 18, 2017 7:27:57 GMT -5
I wish celibatejoe' wife were here. Then I could tell her that he is incapable of providing her with the mutually pleasurable sex she wants. He can not change. She can not change him. she can only obtain the sex she wants by finding a man who sexually desires her. She is wasting years by trying to make him what he is not. She is like the iliasm woman who still keeps trying to seduce her husband who told her before they got married that he isn't into sex and thinks he may be asexual. She still refused to understand why offering him blow jobs led to rejection and his giving her birthday sex felt emptying I'm glad celibatejoe is here sharing his experience. I hope the refused learn from his words and I hope they give up on trying to explain, seduce or guilt their partners into passionate sex their partner's can't give. The only people the refused can change is themselves. Perhaps his wife is here. Perhaps she may not be a member but reads and ponders over the written words here. Perhaps she should have been told the truth much much earlier. But whilst the refused are only able to change themselves perhaps the refuser should also bare the brunt of making changes either to make things work or to settle the relationships ending. I agree that the refused should not guilt their refuser in to sex but the road runs both ways. The refuser should not guilt the refused in to missing out on sex when they could participate if they tried. Clearly not everyone is capable of that effort but most probably are but they hide away and behind something that can't be disproven completely. |
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Post by celibatejoe on Aug 18, 2017 8:51:05 GMT -5
Don't use your medical condition as cover for you but fully expiring to your wife. So what if the heart meds keep your equipment from working, here still does and still wants your touch. You people are replete with assumptions, aren't you. My equipment works fine, given sufficient concentration. How do you know what my wife wants? Have you talked to her? |
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Post by hopingforachange on Aug 18, 2017 8:52:06 GMT -5
Don't use your medical condition as cover for you but fully expiring to your wife. So what if the heart meds keep your equipment from working, here still does and still wants your touch. You people are replete with assumptions, aren't you. My equipment works fine, given sufficient concentration. How do you know what my wife wants? Have you talked to her? Have you asked her if she does or does not? |
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Post by celibatejoe on Aug 18, 2017 8:56:34 GMT -5
You people are replete with assumptions, aren't you. My equipment works fine, given sufficient concentration. How do you know what my wife wants? Have you talked to her? Have you asked her if she does or does not? I have asked her if she wants me to please her, and she says she doesn't. Even when we were having sex, we slept in separate beds, in separate rooms. She's nocturnal. She stays up all night. She's always been that way. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Aug 18, 2017 9:00:02 GMT -5
Have you asked her if she does or does not? I have asked her if she wants me to please her, and she says she doesn't. Even when we were having sex, we slept in separate beds, in separate rooms. She's nocturnal. She stays up all night. She's always been that way. That is not the same question. Just pleasing her without you connecting with her, is not the same as her wanting connected intimate sex. |
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Post by celibatejoe on Aug 18, 2017 9:05:41 GMT -5
pleasing her without you connecting with her, is not the same as her wanting connected intimate sex. Correct, but we never had "connected" sex in the first place. It was good enough for her before. |
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Post by celibatejoe on Aug 18, 2017 9:24:48 GMT -5
You say your wife wants to stay. Does she not have passion? Is she committed? I've never known a woman more committed to a marriage than she. She is utterly devoted to me, and to our marriage. It may not be what she bargained for, but it's the best relationship she's ever had, with anyone, including with family members. She'd even choose me over her children. That I do know because we have talked about that. We're an odd couple. No one understands or gets us, which is fine. We don't fit into their concept of marriage, and their "marriages," for lack of a better word, don't fit in with ours. I abandoned my emotional commitment because I have been disregarded and ignored for years. Yeah, that does suck. I have been there on more than a few occasions myself. My wife and I have been through a lot. I wish you all the best, Padgemi. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 18, 2017 9:57:02 GMT -5
Back to the original question. I think it was abusive to my children as well. Our therapist put it very well, " You two are giving your kids a terrible example of what a respectful,giving ,loving, intimate, relationship aught to be."
Think of the emotional abuse they go through witnessing that? What kind of emotional abuse will they give out or endure in their own futures? Many of us can relate through our own parents and our own up bringing.
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Post by rejected101 on Aug 18, 2017 9:58:53 GMT -5
Don't use your medical condition as cover for you but fully expiring to your wife. So what if the heart meds keep your equipment from working, here still does and still wants your touch. You people are replete with assumptions, aren't you. My equipment works fine, given sufficient concentration. How do you know what my wife wants? Have you talked to her? Celebatejoe, forgive the quizzing you are getting here from me and many others. The simple fact is that whilst you are very welcome (it's nice to have someone who may provide some perspective from the other side) you have indeed chosen to register in a forum where many people are hurting from years or in some cases decades of sexual rejection. You haven't (unless I missed it) fully explained your background nor what brought you here. I want to reiterate that you are most welcome in my opinion because you may bring about some further understanding. Your equipment works fine with enough concentration so what is the deal here. Do you not desire your wife? Do you not desire sex full stop? Did you know this before you married her? Did you hide it from her or were you totally open about it. Do you still have sex? There are so many questions that I feel compelled to ask you. My experience of sexlessness steers me towards being somewhat bitter and angered by it. Please share if you feel comfortable. |
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