Well, we had a talk

Like shit. It turns out, when she was talking about how long it had been, it had nothing to do with a sexless marriage. We did not click, and she was upset that I was not clear about my predicament. I was clear that I had baggage, but she never asked what it was. So, she missed out.

We communicated a bit more. She's looking for a monogamous DS relationship, but she's also a drunk, so, I don't see that working out for anyone until she gets her shit together.

I spent Saturday wearing myself out at the gym, donated blood, then went on an eight mile mountain bike ride, and met a tall blonde professional woman. We'll see where that leads. I might be the most unsuccessful philanderer on earth, but, the hunt continues.

Year 5? Not good. But that was because by then my H had increasingly bad back pain (due to degenerative disc disease exacerbated by hockey injuries) and needed his first back surgery. As his back got worse over the years the sex dwindled. I was unhappy about that but understood as I could plainly see how painful it was for him both during and after sex. He told me the infrequent sex was because of that and I had no reason not to believe him. Why would anyone WANT to put him/herself in a position to cause extreme pain? The first surgery did not work but the 2nd surgery did. When his back pain was finally alleviated (year 7) we were going through infertility which does NOT lead to a happy sex life (sex on a schedule and mandated by doctors). I finally became pregnant and was sick every single day - also not sex-inducing. Then we lost our first child so: grief.  Then we had another child who was born with special needs so our focus became research and doctors and medical issues. This was all a LOT to deal with together and our sex life suffered. Understandably so, in my opinion. But when it never picked back up I knew there was a problem and that is why we went to couples counseling a year ago where I discovered just how big a problem we were dealing with.

So all that to say: No, the sex did not suddenly fall off a cliff. It dwindled slowly over a decade for many understandable reasons.

Well thank you baza. I look at is as: this is the hand I was dealt and we have worked through the challenges and heartache as best we could. I didn't have control over any of those things (just my reaction to them and attitude about them) but when it comes to our SM it is different. It's true I still don't have control but I can have a choice here. Certainly the past issues we've overcome together makes it harder for me to just "cut and run" but now raising a child with a disability adds on a whole new level of complexity. I realize my happiness is important but it's hard for me to say that it is the most important thing.

As parents, especially a mother, we want our kids to be happy and we want our kids to have better and to do better than us. I stayed many years for the kids. I finally divorced when my son was 12 and daughter 9. However while I was stuck I seeked out things and activities to make me happy. Sometimes I took a day off work while the kids were in school to go to breakfast and a movie by myself. Sometimes I took a day off work to have sex with my AP.
Do not give up on finding some happiness for yourself, you deserve it.

A few things from this thread stuck out for me:

1. Outsourcing doesn't solve the issue of your marriage. Whether or not you have sex with someone else does not change the fact that you do not have a sexual relationship with your husband. If you, or both of you, view marriage as a sexual union as part of your intimate relationship, then you are living together more as amicable ex-spouses - if you want to be authentic about your situation. If you intend "marriage" for other reasons, then it might help to break marriage down into its components and discuss what aspects of those components the two of you might continue in your post-marriage relationship with each other, if marriage isn't authentically what you are living.

2. A monogamous relationship is not a celibate relationship. The way the discussion here seems to be framed, it is as though you have a choice between monogamy and some form of polyamory. That is not the case. If you were to take a lover, you would have a monogamous sexual relationship with THAT LOVER, and you would continue your existing non-sexual intimate association with the person who is technically your ex-spouse.

3. If the post-mortem on the the open relationship my wife proposed to with me is any indication, I would suggest that the seeking of other partners for this reason is a humiliating experience that shines a very bright light on the sexual dysfunction between the married partners. It would seem that the "refusing" partner generally feels already insufficient sexually - with little sexual enthusiasm in supply for their partner. The open knowledge that another person can show such enthusiasm draws inevitable comparisons and insecurity. Mrs Apocrypha coped with the insecurity by either seeking her own external partner so as to "prove" to herself that she still had it, by treating me horribly, and by increasingly detaching emotionally so that she didn't care as much. Unsurprisingly, this lead to further emotional decay and resentment on both parts.

The parent thing is never easy, especially given your circumstances. My latest battle with my 13 & nearly 14 yo - Bullying. I get it. It sucks. Special needs? I don't "get" the whole thing but I can look to you as a hero to your children.

That said, and I think bballgirl will agree with me, you need to take care of yourself.

Don't forget to LOVE YOURSELF!!!!!!

You are giving all of your energy to your children and you need to make sure you are refueling to get through the day to day. 

SM, OMG if anyone needs to fuck regularly it's YOU! Again, refueling your emotional energy, but it also keeps your bond alive. Maybe you breast-fed the babies to bond with them. You need to have sex to to bond with your partner. Here's a blog post I did on this very subject. I hope it's something you can share with your partner.  Why you should have more sex. I hope it helps. 

Damn... You've touched my heart. I hope you can figure this out. I truly do.

XOXO!!!

*V