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Post by choosinghappy on Jul 6, 2017 19:56:20 GMT -5
" I know you may not know what you want but don't spend too much time denying yourself and refusing your needs. " bballgirl - I know what I want. I want to get laid. By someone who actually WANTS to fuck me. haha |
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Post by ironhamster on Jul 6, 2017 20:00:18 GMT -5
I'm not surprised. The bones of your talk were just like mine. The denier demands that they get their way and you don't. In my case, she laughed at my counter-demand after she rejected my open marriage proposal. If she thinks I'm going to keep living like this, she's insane. I've got options and I'm exercising them tomorrow evening. What was your counter demand? Sounds like you're gonna get some tomorrow! Good for you. I have a date with a 14 year veteran of the SM shit hole, and nobody on this site It's going to be an all nighter, and IDGAF about the fallout. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 6, 2017 20:00:33 GMT -5
" I know you may not know what you want but don't spend too much time denying yourself and refusing your needs. " bballgirl - I know what I want. I want to get laid. By someone who actually WANTS to fuck me. haha Well that is easy to find so go for it! |
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Post by neonspace on Jul 6, 2017 20:13:07 GMT -5
Is anyone here also dealing with a refuser who was sexually abused as a child? Or can anyone recall a previous poster who was? I'm interested to see what happened there. I'm in that boat. My wife doesn't want to go to counseling and when she does she won't talk about the abuse. She is willing to go because I had a talk that sounded familiar to the one you had. Everyone here is right though, you're being reset, I know because I was too. Now I find myself going to counseling because my spouse has wrecked my head so badly because she was unwilling to deal with her issues at the expense of our relationship. |
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 6, 2017 20:13:13 GMT -5
"Is anyone here also dealing with a refuser who was sexually abused as a child? Or can anyone recall a previous poster who was?
I'm interested to see what happened there."
One of my close friends was sexually abused as a child, and has by choice attempted virtually every type of therapy in order to become comfortable with sex with another person. He is now 52. He has never -- not one time -- been able to climax with another person though he can by himself. He is a wonderful friend, one of my dearest. However, he never has had a romantic relationship with men or with women, though he has tried both. He lives a happy life with friends and interesting social activities, but he doesn't have a partner. He has the ability to be emotionally intimate, but lacks the ability to be sexually intimate.
I believe that for some people sexual abuse leads to permanent damage that prevents them from ever enjoying sex with another person.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jul 6, 2017 20:26:27 GMT -5
"I believe that for some people sexual abuse leads to permanent damage that prevents them from ever enjoying sex with another person." northstarmom - I believe this to be my H's situation. By the sounds of our talks and the reactions he has to me even attempting to initiate anything, I do not think he will ever enjoy sex. It is very sad. |
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Post by baza on Jul 6, 2017 21:16:07 GMT -5
He doesn't *want* a divorce. You don't *want* a divorce nancyb I didn't *want* a divorce. My missus didn't *want* a divorce. I don't think anyone *wants* a divorce. Thing is, in an ILIASM shithole is that between where one is (desperately unhappy) and where you would like to be (happy) there has to be a linking mechanism between the two. And that link is divorce. That's the fare for the ticket between the two places. If you won't buy a ticket, then you can't get to (happy) where you want to be. You remain in the place you don't want to be (desperately unhappy) And the clock keeps running. And the price of the ticket keeps going up. |
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 6, 2017 22:34:46 GMT -5
I believe this to be my H's situation. By the sounds of our talks and the reactions he has to me even attempting to initiate anything, I do not think he will ever enjoy sex. It is very sad. I suspect sexual abuse in my wife's childhood, but I'll never know for sure. If not, she exhibits a lot of the same behaviors, though thankfully not as severe as your husband. It's sad to us that they're missing out on one of life's greatest pleasures and a whole dimension to the relationship. But they're happily oblivious as they are. They have no reason to want our desires. After 20+ years of trying, I eventually realized things aren't going to change. I don't recommend following my path. |
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Post by baza on Jul 7, 2017 0:36:33 GMT -5
Is anyone here also dealing with a refuser who was sexually abused as a child? Or can anyone recall a previous poster who was? I'm interested to see what happened there. Using the "search" function on the main page here, I typed in "sexual abuse" and it threw up 8 pages of threads / posts dealing with this subject Sister nancyb . Might be worth your while doing the same and perusing the actual posts. I have had a quick perusal, there's nothing there that I saw that is likely to bring you much comfort about happy endings when this issue is present. |
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Post by choosinghappy on Jul 7, 2017 8:13:19 GMT -5
Is anyone here also dealing with a refuser who was sexually abused as a child? Or can anyone recall a previous poster who was? I'm interested to see what happened there. Using the "search" function on the main page here, I typed in "sexual abuse" and it threw up 8 pages of threads / posts dealing with this subject Sister nancyb . Might be worth your while doing the same and perusing the actual posts. I have had a quick perusal, there's nothing there that I saw that is likely to bring you much comfort about happy endings when this issue is present. Thank you. I suspected that to be the case. When I can get on my computer I will do that same thing and read up on her posts. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2017 8:29:02 GMT -5
I believe this to be my H's situation. By the sounds of our talks and the reactions he has to me even attempting to initiate anything, I do not think he will ever enjoy sex. It is very sad. I suspect sexual abuse in my wife's childhood, but I'll never know for sure. If not, she exhibits a lot of the same behaviors, though thankfully not as severe as your husband. It's sad to us that they're missing out on one of life's greatest pleasures and a whole dimension to the relationship. But they're happily oblivious as they are. They have no reason to want our desires. After 20+ years of trying, I eventually realized things aren't going to change. I don't recommend following my path. Ditto. |
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Jul 7, 2017 8:52:42 GMT -5
This may sound snarky, but perhaps a good topic for your own therapy would be why you're so determined to force a bad situation instead of acknowledging it. Not snarky. I agree. I have started my own therapy this past week as well and am absolutely using it to come to terms with my true reality and make a choice from my (bad) options rather than defaulting to staying. But no, I cannot and will not remain celibate. I am coming to terms with the fact that he will never be my lover. Even if he tried it would never satisfy me because I would know he does not actually desire me (and sadly, never has). I will either need to outsource or will need to end it. Outsourcing comes with its own set of pitfalls. While it does help in some ways, it can add additional stress to your load and can create issues you cannot foresee. I'm not saying don't do it, it saved my bacon, but just be aware. |
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Jul 7, 2017 8:59:40 GMT -5
ironhamster What was your counter demand? Sounds like you're gonna get some tomorrow! Good for you. I have a date with a 14 year veteran of the SM shit hole, and nobody on this site It's going to be an all nighter, and IDGAF about the fallout. Best of luck with the date, I hope the hamster gets off his wheel! |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2017 9:37:17 GMT -5
The one thing I have a hard time understanding is how the refusers' are against an open marriage.
If they do not want sex, then why should they care if their spouse gets it somewhere else?
Clearly, lonelywife, your husband has no sexual desire for you. And at the same time, he does not want you to experience sexual desire with someone else.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 7, 2017 10:02:17 GMT -5
The one thing I have a hard time understanding is how the refusers' are against an open marriage. If they do not want sex, then why should they care if their spouse gets it somewhere else? Clearly, lonelywife, your husband has no sexual desire for you. And at the same time, he does not want you to experience sexual desire with someone else. I can think of 3 reasons: 1. We are trained since childhood for monogamy. Only 3-5% of the population has overcome that, for whatever reason, and is into polygamy. The other 95-97%...? ETA: As I've often said, we are no longer trained for a hard expectation of sex in a marriage, just monogamy (read enforced celibacy is culturally ok) 2. Fear of their spouse falling in love and losing them. Which, over the long haul, is surely more a matter of when, not if. Sex is a powerful bonding agent. Bonding leads to love. And the other spouse knows their spouse is very unhappy, even if they refuse to acknowledge it. 3. Simple jealousy. Which is probably cooked into our genes. Regardless of the idea that monogamy is not natural or have a long genetic history. You have to sit down and really wrap your arms around this scene that would be played out every week or so... your spouse takes a long bath or shower, dresses to the hilt and goes out to meet his/her lover. How would YOU feel about that, especially if you were perfectly content with the marriage and in particular the sexual situation (celibate or not). The tendency is to want things to continue, even if imperfect. The open marriage has no benefit for the refuser UNLESS the refuser is equally unhappy and equally ready to end things, which doesn't seem to be the norm here. The refuser also may not generally believe that divorce is imminent. Until it's too late. Your refuser may also believe that the star fish reset sex they offer to keep things going is "good enough". |
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