Well, we had a talk

Well...Thank you for that!

But honestly, right now, this divorce is more traumatic, and life changing.  (and that's okay!)

I also have three children, adopted from China. All of them where abandoned( left to die) at one time in their life. Life goes on, and they seem to adjust quiet well. So will I. (They give me strength).  Every one of us has stories and events that make us who we are.

Lonelywifey, if you google "partners" "sexual abuse survivors," you will find some excellent articles including in The Atlantic and Oprah that are by or about women married to sexual abuse survivors. The articles describe what it's like being married to men trying to heal from sexual abuse including being repeatedly raped while in a boarding school and, in another survivor's experience, being forced to have sex with his mentally ill mother when he was about 6.

One man suffered from ptsd so severe he had to sleep with a weapon by his side. All had severe difficulties with sexual intimacy, healing was taking years, and even with the men's seeking and participating in individual therapy, they still were not that comfortable with sex.

There also are some sites specifically for partners of survivors. My brief review indicated those advocated for partners being patient for years while not having their sexual needs met. None that I saw recognized the deep pain and loss those partners felt. None advocated for divorce or open marriage. I wondered whether sexual abuse survivors had written those sites, not the survivors' partners.

Anyway, it could be worth it for you to Google and see if there is anything you can learn that will help you decide how to proceed with your life.

I can confirm. My spouse has told me that she pushes it deep down and that every time it is discussed the wounds are re-opened.

It is possible that he didn't deliberately misrepresent himself. He may have buried memories of his trauma, not realized how much it affected him or not have realized how important sex is in his marriage.

We could analyze him forever to figure out his why. But we can't change him nor is he likely to ever be able to become the partner lovely says she wants.

Far more productive would be for lovely to figure out why if she truly likes sex and thinks she is worthy of it she chose to marry a man with such gigantic sexual problems. She married him even though she never had had any great sexual experience with him. Not one time. She has spent her entire relationship with him hoping and waiting for good sex or even for any kind of sex.

I wonder what happened in her life that shaped her so she became a woman who devotes her life to trying to sexually entice a man who so obviously is not only not interested but also is repelled by her actions.

Once she figures out her own why, she will be able to let go of him and open herself to the kind of relationship she says she wants.

Each guy read some stories of sex abuse victims and you can see how some might recoil from any touch. The Atlantic and oprah articles I referenced included horrible tales of child sexual abuse. The survivors were in counseling, but their tasks were formidable. For instance, the man whose mother climbed into bed naked when he was 6 and lay on top of him gyrating also used to viciously beat him. It was amazing that he could allow himself to experience enough physical or emotional intimacy to marry at all.

Beach guy, you make a good point. While she has posted that something always was off with their sex life, in their early years they had weekly sex.

Interesting reading beachguy and northstarmom. Thank you for the comments.

I do not know whether H intentionally "sucked me into a marriage he intended to be celibate" or if the pain from his trauma has worsened now that he's started remembering and confronting it. If it's the former then yes, that would be malicious and I'd be upset, but even if it's the latter I'm still in the same place with my SM and still have the same decisions in front of me. Therefore I'm not quite sure it matters. The only purpose that would serve would be to add to my anger which I don't find to be helpful.

In the early years we did make love every weekend because that is when we could be together. I did wish he was more passionate about it and was interested in full afternoons of sex and intimacy rather than just once on Fri or Sat night but I overlooked it. Since we could only see each other on weekends we made plans and went out and did things - actively dated. Went out to concerts and out with friends, hiking, skiing, beerfests, stuff like that. We planned things instead of just spending the time together. In retrospect I wish I would have pushed more when it came to exploring sexuality together but at the time I had no reason to think anything was "wrong". However, I DO regret that I made an excuse when it came to the rather lackluster sex early on: My last relationship was with a man who was a fantastic lover and we were amazingly compatible sexually but NOT compatible in any other way. That crashed and burned. So perhaps I made an excuse with my future H because we were compatible in all the ways I was NOT with my prior relationship. I suppose I thought this would work better. And for a while it did. But as the years went on the sexual incompatibility became more and more of a problem for me and now that we are truly sexless, it is a huge problem. I need to decide if the other compatibilities between us are enough anymore.

So northstarmom, when you say:
"Far more productive would be for lovely to figure out why if she truly likes sex and thinks she is worthy of it she chose to marry a man with such gigantic sexual problems...I wonder what happened in her life that shaped her so she became a woman who devotes her life to trying to sexually entice a man who so obviously is not only not interested but also is repelled by her actions."

I don't mean to sound defensive but in my defense (heh), I didn't know about his gigantic sexual problems at the time. All I saw was that he wasn't as passionate or skillful a lover as my previous relationship but I felt all his other wonderful qualities were more important. I naively thought that with time we would better connect sexually. And I have continued (until recently) to try to focus on "sexually enticing" him because I chose him as my husband and life partner and to me, that means trying to make things work. I now have started understanding just how deep his issues truly go (particularly due to our most recent talk I outlined at the beginning of this thread) and I agree with you that he is just repelled by any sexual or intimate action or touch. I can no longer pretend that that is not a big fucking deal that likely will not ever be overcome. And since I refuse to remain celibate I realize that leaves me with only 2 options.