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Post by angryspartan on May 10, 2016 13:03:46 GMT -5
What does the acronym, "TYVM," mean? thank you very much |
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Post by Deleted on May 11, 2016 16:42:27 GMT -5
To the OP, follow your instinct. If it's bothering you, listen to that emotion. I have to say, I could not do the FWB thing. It would eat me alive. Besides, it would give my refuser a reason to blame me for the failure of our relationship. Up to now, I've done everything possible to fix our 15+ year marriage and I will leave knowing that. I will keep my vows until the day that I am finally strong enough to divorce my refuser. I don't mean any of this as judgment towards those who go outside the marriage - that is purely their business and I know they have their reasons. But in my situation, FWB isn't an option. To each his or her own, but I think your emotions are trying to tell you something. Listen and then see what comes next.
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2016 0:56:27 GMT -5
So much easier for women to outsource.
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Post by baza on May 13, 2016 1:37:47 GMT -5
If you are considering the outsourcing option, then like it or not you are considering the divorce option with equal gravitas.
Introducing a 3rd party in to an already struggling dynamic tends to spin things off in to some crazy tangents - all with divorce as a likely end consequence.
These range from the obvious - getting caught and your spouse reacting explosively and kicking you to the kerb, all the way over to your 'outsourcing partner' turning out to be a bunny boiler and holding you to ransom when (if) you want to end it.
And, all points in between, including things like you finding the 'soulmate' in your outsourcing activities thus necessitating kicking your spouse to the kerb so you can be with the 'soulmate' as another example.
If you are considering outsourcing (and outsourcing is a perfectly legitimate choice to make), then your risk of it ending in divorce is ridiculously high, and your preparations need to reflect that risk.
And you need to make a fully informed choice about
(a) whether you are prepared to undertake the risk
(b) the consequences that may ensue from your choice.
So it would be a really good idea to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you BEFORE you embark on this choice to outsource. And, to have a do-able exit strategy in your pocket, executable at very short notice.
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Post by eternaloptimism on May 13, 2016 3:51:35 GMT -5
If you are considering the outsourcing option, then like it or not you are considering the divorce option with equal gravitas. Introducing a 3rd party in to an already struggling dynamic tends to spin things off in to some crazy tangents - all with divorce as a likely end consequence. These range from the obvious - getting caught and your spouse reacting explosively and kicking you to the kerb, all the way over to your 'outsourcing partner' turning out to be a bunny boiler and holding you to ransom when (if) you want to end it. And, all points in between, including things like you finding the 'soulmate' in your outsourcing activities thus necessitating kicking your spouse to the kerb so you can be with the 'soulmate' as another example. If you are considering outsourcing (and outsourcing is a perfectly legitimate choice to make), then your risk of it ending in divorce is ridiculously high, and your preparations need to reflect that risk. And you need to make a fully informed choice about (a) whether you are prepared to undertake the risk (b) the consequences that may ensue from your choice. So it would be a really good idea to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you BEFORE you embark on this choice to outsource. And, to have a do-able exit strategy in your pocket, executable at very short notice. I'm actually sick of worrying about the consequences... What will be will be as Doris Day would trill  xx |
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Post by itsjustus on May 13, 2016 4:03:48 GMT -5
If you are considering the outsourcing option, then like it or not you are considering the divorce option with equal gravitas. Introducing a 3rd party in to an already struggling dynamic tends to spin things off in to some crazy tangents - all with divorce as a likely end consequence. These range from the obvious - getting caught and your spouse reacting explosively and kicking you to the kerb, all the way over to your 'outsourcing partner' turning out to be a bunny boiler and holding you to ransom when (if) you want to end it. And, all points in between, including things like you finding the 'soulmate' in your outsourcing activities thus necessitating kicking your spouse to the kerb so you can be with the 'soulmate' as another example. If you are considering outsourcing (and outsourcing is a perfectly legitimate choice to make), then your risk of it ending in divorce is ridiculously high, and your preparations need to reflect that risk. And you need to make a fully informed choice about (a) whether you are prepared to undertake the risk (b) the consequences that may ensue from your choice. So it would be a really good idea to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you BEFORE you embark on this choice to outsource. And, to have a do-able exit strategy in your pocket, executable at very short notice. Wise words here.... TYOP IJU |
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Post by itsjustus on May 13, 2016 4:14:56 GMT -5
If you are considering the outsourcing option, then like it or not you are considering the divorce option with equal gravitas.
Introducing a 3rd party in to an already struggling dynamic tends to spin things off in to some crazy tangents - all with divorce as a likely end consequence.
These range from the obvious - getting caught and your spouse reacting explosively and kicking you to the kerb, all the way over to your 'outsourcing partner' turning out to be a bunny boiler and holding you to ransom when (if) you want to end it.
And, all points in between, including things like you finding the 'soulmate' in your outsourcing activities thus necessitating kicking your spouse to the kerb so you can be with the 'soulmate' as another example.
If you are considering outsourcing (and outsourcing is a perfectly legitimate choice to make), then your risk of it ending in divorce is ridiculously high, and your preparations need to reflect that risk.
And you need to make a fully informed choice about
(a) whether you are prepared to undertake the risk
(b) the consequences that may ensue from your choice.
So it would be a really good idea to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you BEFORE you embark on this choice to outsource. And, to have a do-able exit strategy in your pocket, executable at very short notice. I'm actually sick of worrying about the consequences... What will be will be as Doris Day would trill xx Then you are....almost...ready! You've answered (a). Sounds like you've done (b) until your blue in the face. So...read Baza's advice after that, (Lawyer/Jurisdiction/divorce/shake-out and do-able/short notice/exit strategy) and you're good to go!! btw....totally cracked me up with the Doris Day reference!! LOL. |
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Post by snowman12345 on May 13, 2016 5:29:10 GMT -5
Also, his wife knows he had an affair with me (he sent texts intended for me to her) Oops! Awkward silence... I did this once. Once - then I got a "burner" phones for me and my AP. If the W finds it, "oh dear it is just a phone that I found and will return to the owner." Then it goes into the lake. |
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Post by snowman12345 on May 13, 2016 5:38:34 GMT -5
If you are considering the outsourcing option, then like it or not you are considering the divorce option with equal gravitas. Introducing a 3rd party in to an already struggling dynamic tends to spin things off in to some crazy tangents - all with divorce as a likely end consequence. These range from the obvious - getting caught and your spouse reacting explosively and kicking you to the kerb, all the way over to your 'outsourcing partner' turning out to be a bunny boiler and holding you to ransom when (if) you want to end it. And, all points in between, including things like you finding the 'soulmate' in your outsourcing activities thus necessitating kicking your spouse to the kerb so you can be with the 'soulmate' as another example. If you are considering outsourcing (and outsourcing is a perfectly legitimate choice to make), then your risk of it ending in divorce is ridiculously high, and your preparations need to reflect that risk. And you need to make a fully informed choice about (a) whether you are prepared to undertake the risk (b) the consequences that may ensue from your choice. So it would be a really good idea to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you BEFORE you embark on this choice to outsource. And, to have a do-able exit strategy in your pocket, executable at very short notice. I'm actually sick of worrying about the consequences... What will be will be as Doris Day would trill xx I'm with you. If she finds out - oh well. Divorce is always an option and I have prepared for it. That I have not made a secret. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on May 13, 2016 9:20:22 GMT -5
I'm actually sick of worrying about the consequences... What will be will be as Doris Day would trill xx Then you are....almost...ready! You've answered (a). Sounds like you've done (b) until your blue in the face. So...read Baza's advice after that, (Lawyer/Jurisdiction/divorce/shake-out and do-able/short notice/exit strategy) and you're good to go!! btw....totally cracked me up with the Doris Day reference!! LOL. He he. I like to make people chuckle  Exit strategy... Not too worried tbh. I earn enough to support me and the kids AND will be better off and able to start repaying all the debt he has got us into in my name. We are not married so no lawyer costs. We (I!) rent our house which is in my name and I can afford and my helpful mother is only round the corner if I need help collecting the kids or whatever. I'll deal with any problems he can throw at me. Not phased at all. It's just the actual act of getting rid that find tricky. But I'll get there  xxx |
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Post by skguy on May 13, 2016 9:41:58 GMT -5
I think if the right opportunity came along I might go for it. I'd almost prefer another spouse that is frustrated as well, but not necessarily.
I have two female friends I've ended up emailing for different reasons - but strictly platonic. I could easily fall for either of them. I would never cross the line with them but I can feel my strong attraction to them.
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Post by itsjustus on May 13, 2016 10:07:43 GMT -5
Then you are....almost...ready! You've answered (a). Sounds like you've done (b) until your blue in the face. So...read Baza's advice after that, (Lawyer/Jurisdiction/divorce/shake-out and do-able/short notice/exit strategy) and you're good to go!! btw....totally cracked me up with the Doris Day reference!! LOL. He he. I like to make people chuckle Exit strategy... Not too worried tbh. I earn enough to support me and the kids AND will be better off and able to start repaying all the debt he has got us into in my name. We are not married so no lawyer costs. We (I!) rent our house which is in my name and I can afford and my helpful mother is only round the corner if I need help collecting the kids or whatever. I'll deal with any problems he can throw at me. Not phased at all. It's just the actual act of getting rid that find tricky. But I'll get there xxx Then you are in an great, and enviable position. Now you're just up against the age old human angst....do it, or don't. You'll get there |
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Post by eternaloptimism on May 13, 2016 14:42:43 GMT -5
I think if the right opportunity came along I might go for it. I'd almost prefer another spouse that is frustrated as well, but not necessarily. I have two female friends I've ended up emailing for different reasons - but strictly platonic. I could easily fall for either of them. I would never cross the line with them but I can feel my strong attraction to them. Yeah. It's a dangerous game with friends. I have met an ex a bunch of times. We were always compatibly sexually but never had a proper relationship. We were fuck buddies before and have now reverted to that due to my refuser and his gf is farrrrr too vanilla for him. It is suiting us both at the moment. How long for? Who knows. I'm beginning to get frustrated with the short periods of time we can manage. I'm a shit liar too and hate deception so it doesn't really sit that well with me. |
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Post by flotsam on May 13, 2016 15:17:45 GMT -5
It's a mixed bag.....you feel wanted sexually which is a boon after so long being unwanted. The only issue is if you're not both ok with the FWB deal it can be difficult, or if you get discovered.
Probably less stressful to get agreement to outsource first...but you can't guarantee one of you wont fall hard and get hurt.
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Post by skguy on May 13, 2016 17:45:14 GMT -5
I think if the right opportunity came along I might go for it. I'd almost prefer another spouse that is frustrated as well, but not necessarily. I have two female friends I've ended up emailing for different reasons - but strictly platonic. I could easily fall for either of them. I would never cross the line with them but I can feel my strong attraction to them. Yeah. It's a dangerous game with friends. I have met an ex a bunch of times. We were always compatibly sexually but never had a proper relationship. We were fuck buddies before and have now reverted to that due to my refuser and his gf is farrrrr too vanilla for him. It is suiting us both at the moment. How long for? Who knows. I'm beginning to get frustrated with the short periods of time we can manage. I'm a shit liar too and hate deception so it doesn't really sit that well with me. Yep. It would be a dangerous game. I certainly don't have any friends at the moment where I think this could even happen. I've lived a sheltered life lol. I cound't find an ex if you paid me lol |
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xxx
