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Post by obobfla on May 8, 2016 19:37:34 GMT -5
I have outsourced and not regretted it. As for the guilt, I lost it awhile back. My wife chose not to have sex with me. It may not be another man, but it is "not me." Therefore, I found a lover on a site much like this one, and we met for three weekends. Because of distance and children issues, it did not work out. But we are still friends. I don't regret any of it. No, it may not last forever, but like Bogey says in Casablanca, "We will always have Paris." My lover and I will always have St. Augustine, the carriage ride through town and sex in the bubble bath. Nothing can take that away from me.
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Post by ggold on May 8, 2016 20:01:38 GMT -5
Part of me wants to outsource. I did for one night and it's all I can think about. That was one month ago. I no longer am in communication with him nor do I want to be, but damn I know I cannot wait another 8, 9 years to have sex again! Even though I am beginning to research an exit plan for my marriage, I honestly do not know how long it's going to take. I'm in the early stages and going through so much emotionally.
I wouldn't even know how to find an AP. The opportunity I had a month ago literally caught me off guard. (I wasn't on any website, I met him through a work situation.) I never expected someone to be attracted to me and to make a move on me. I was swept away by his charm and just went with it. I knew what I wanted and he knew what he wanted. It actually felt so liberating.
This all just weighs on my mind so heavily. :-(
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Post by wewbwb on May 8, 2016 20:48:55 GMT -5
Your sexy, it's right there. What did you drop it?  |
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Post by TMD on May 8, 2016 21:20:17 GMT -5
I've been cheating/outsourcing/philandering for almost 3.5 years with the same affair partner. We are both in SMs, with children on both sides, although his are older.
I felt guilty for the first while. Occasionally, now, when I feel like I should be spending time with kids. But the reality is I'm rarely far from home.
I will try to find one of my early EP posts on my outsourcing experience. I haven't really changed my stance. But that's likely because I haven't been caught.
I don't recommend it. It's complicated and takes quite the balancing act to manage. And the reality is, the affair taught me immediately that my marriage is dead. There's no point in staying (now, why the hell is it taking me so long to get out? Lol. Rhetorical Q.). And I don't like having a double life.
I am quite tangled up with my AP emotionally. I'm know he feels the same. We are both working on an exit strategy, and while I told my spouse LAST SUMMER that I planned to leave, I'm still in marriage until I am gainfully employed. My AP has sold some assets in order to make a separation easier for him and his spouse.
But nothing is set in stone until it happens.
In the meantime, we shared a weekend getaway that was amazing and verified that we travel well together, and work through minor irritations very well (he doesn't like plans, I do -- we have had quite a few laughs about it since).
I don't know if it will lead to a long term relationship in "the real world," but I know he and I are pretty solid.
How do I know? Read the book, "When Good People Have Affairs," by Mira Kirschbaum (sp?). Great resource, even if you're not having an affair, or thinking of it. There's some good research, advice, checklists -- all of which help assess what is right for you.
Related, the author also discusses the fact that there are approx 17 different reasons for having an affair. An affair is not a, "one size fits all," endeavour. Statements like, "once a cheater, always a cheater," or, "he'll never leave his wife," are true for some, and not others. An affair relationship is as diverse as the regular world of relationships. And far from black and white generalizations that are often thrown about.
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Post by unmatched on May 8, 2016 21:24:27 GMT -5
TMD does your H know, or are you still keeping it secret?
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Post by TMD on May 8, 2016 21:50:37 GMT -5
No, he doesn't, as far as I know, unmatched. A part of me would tell him, but I don't want the focus to be on the affair, when the issue is our crappy marriage. I think that once the "official" separation is underway, I would likely give him a heads' up that I'm dating. ETA, I'm not proud. I don't want to flaunt the affair relationship in anybody's face. AP and I talk about taking a break often, but we can't find compelling logic (aside from getting caught) to put the breaks on. Also, his wife knows he had an affair with me (he sent texts intended for me to her), but not sure if she knows it's continuing or not. It's hard to explain, it's such a lovely, respectful, mature relationship. He's a guy who isn't afraid to face challenges and talk through things. It's... refreshing. |
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Post by ggold on May 8, 2016 22:25:27 GMT -5
I've been cheating/outsourcing/philandering for almost 3.5 years with the same affair partner. We are both in SMs, with children on both sides, although his are older. I felt guilty for the first while. Occasionally, now, when I feel like I should be spending time with kids. But the reality is I'm rarely far from home. I will try to find one of my early EP posts on my outsourcing experience. I haven't really changed my stance. But that's likely because I haven't been caught. I don't recommend it. It's complicated and takes quite the balancing act to manage. And the reality is, the affair taught me immediately that my marriage is dead. There's no point in staying (now, why the hell is it taking me so long to get out? Lol. Rhetorical Q.). And I don't like having a double life. I am quite tangled up with my AP emotionally. I'm know he feels the same. We are both working on an exit strategy, and while I told my spouse LAST SUMMER that I planned to leave, I'm still in marriage until I am gainfully employed. My AP has sold some assets in order to make a separation easier for him and his spouse. But nothing is set in stone until it happens. In the meantime, we shared a weekend getaway that was amazing and verified that we travel well together, and work through minor irritations very well (he doesn't like plans, I do -- we have had quite a few laughs about it since). I don't know if it will lead to a long term relationship in "the real world," but I know he and I are pretty solid. How do I know? Read the book, "When Good People Have Affairs," by Mira Kirschbaum (sp?). Great resource, even if you're not having an affair, or thinking of it. There's some good research, advice, checklists -- all of which help assess what is right for you. Related, the author also discusses the fact that there are approx 17 different reasons for having an affair. An affair is not a, "one size fits all," endeavour. Statements like, "once a cheater, always a cheater," or, "he'll never leave his wife," are true for some, and not others. An affair relationship is as diverse as the regular world of relationships. And far from black and white generalizations that are often thrown about. Thank you for sharing. This cannot be easy for you. |
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Post by DryCreek on May 9, 2016 0:39:15 GMT -5
Also, his wife knows he had an affair with me (he sent texts intended for me to her) Oops! Awkward silence... |
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Post by TMD on May 9, 2016 9:03:26 GMT -5
ggold, what's hard is staying in the marriage. I'm anxious to get the ball rolling, although my heart breaks for the kids. DryCreek, exactly. They only ever talked about that text once.
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Post by unmatched on May 9, 2016 9:58:00 GMT -5
ggold , what's hard is staying in the marriage. I'm anxious to get the ball rolling, although my heart breaks for the kids. DryCreek , exactly. They only ever talked about that text once. How is the job hunting going? |
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2016 10:55:24 GMT -5
TMD, my theory is that we "adults" are more like middle school kids than we like to admit we are. Couples fall out of love with each other. They break up. They each go on to other partners. What if that's normal? I mean, normal for all stages of life? Why is it assumed that when you are in your teens, breaking up and meeting someone else is assumed to be normal, but once you're an adult, you stay with the person forever? I'm not saying that decades-long love relationships are not possible. I have seen a few where the people seem to be happy. (Although appearances can be deceiving.) But what if serial monogamy is more natural and normal for adults than our culture wants to admit? The eminent philosopher Johnny Depp once said, "If you're in love with two people, go with the second one you fell in love with," (or words to that effect - because according to him, that means you don't really love the first one anymore.) I don't know ... I'm rambling now. But although serial monogamy past the teens and 20s Is more accepted than it used to be, we still collectively have this fantasy that you're supposed to be completely divorced or broken up from the last person and have no baggage left before you meet the next person. And that, I think, is unrealistic in a lot of cases.
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Post by TMD on May 9, 2016 12:44:13 GMT -5
ggold , what's hard is staying in the marriage. I'm anxious to get the ball rolling, although my heart breaks for the kids. DryCreek , exactly. They only ever talked about that text once. How is the job hunting going? -- It's going. I was just doing my weekly search rounds. Have one to apply for today - an admin role that balances all the factors needed which are stated in next paragraph. Challenge is is that there is a lot of competition for jobs due to economy here. And I'm a bit limited to what I can apply for due to roommate who works out of town during week, which means I'm the only parent Mon - Thurs. plus I'm 7 years having not worked in my previous profession. I'm not getting interviews. Which was not how things went for me back in the good old days. Next plan is is to have some "informational interviews" with persons who are familiar with my career/back found and get some feedback on whether I should keep applying to that profession, or aim for entry level positions, or simply administrative roles (which I'm grossly overqualified for). However, I will do whatever in order to have a job. That's all that matters: an income. I feel like I'm in the piggy in the middle and losing the game. |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 9, 2016 12:53:24 GMT -5
I don't know ... I'm rambling now. But although serial monogamy past the teens and 20s Is more accepted than it used to be, we still collectively have this fantasy that you're supposed to be completely divorced or broken up from the last person and have no baggage left before you meet the next person. And that, I think, is unrealistic in a lot of cases. I am speaking for myself and others with children. The baggage will always be there. There will be birthdays, graduations, moving, new jobs, weddings, grandchildren, finances, illnesses, etc... The other side of that coin, is that society is forced to accept it more and more as it becomes part of our culture. |
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Post by TMD on May 9, 2016 12:54:59 GMT -5
Oh, @smartkat, I agree with you. Not sure if I misstated things in my post re: relationships or not. What is, "normal," is what one defines as such, within the parameters they set out. That said, many of us don't think it through because we are told by conventional norms what is "normal" and what is acceptable in relationships.
My AP and I have had some interesting conversations re: relationships. Is he my "life" partner? Quite likely, because he knows I'm not conventional, and is starting to see that he isn't either. And we have already had the opportunity to work through a situation encountered in which I explored my sexual fluidity. ((God, that makes me sound like an amoeba or something. And I don't know that I want to get into the details of what exactly happened on this particular thread)). Anyways, he and I arrived on the other side of the experience with some key learnings and knowledge, and a stronger relationship.
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Post by ggold on May 9, 2016 13:33:03 GMT -5
ggold , what's hard is staying in the marriage. I'm anxious to get the ball rolling, although my heart breaks for the kids. I agree. It is very hard staying in this type of marriage and my heart breaks for my kids too. |
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