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Post by Caris on Jun 23, 2017 10:34:35 GMT -5
Caris, I think you are relying too much on dating site messages to determine your viability in the dating world. You are comparing your experiences as a young, beautiful woman to what is normal for a beautiful senior citizen woman, which you probably are now. I'd bet that you probably got more comments and messages than did most women your age in your area. I'd also bet that when you decide to get more involved in your local area by working or volunteering, you will attract suitors who interest you. No, I'm not relying on that. I use logic, reason, evidence, and facts to come to conclusions about anything, though even that is fallible to error, as am I. Like I told, Baz, it was difficult enough when young to find a suitable partner. The market is very limited online and offline. Working or volunteering makes no difference. I've done both before, and never met anyone through volunteering, clubs, church, coffee shops, book stores, and all the usual places that one frequents over a lifetime. Not that I volunteered to meet men. Work? Yes, but that was a different time before PC and sensitivity training, when people could date. Now it's not done, and I wouldn't date someone I worked with. Too much hassle if it goes bad. I'm a Buddhist (sort of), so I accept the reality of what is. I may not like it, but I accept it. Not much choice not to accept it. |
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Post by becca on Jun 23, 2017 11:02:38 GMT -5
I have yet to venture into the online dating world but imagine it can be daunting.
I don't see a problem at all with practice dating. Isn't that really what all dating is?
How are you to know if you are meeting a frog or a prince until you have the opportunity to meet them over a cup of coffee.
I am sorry the pool is so small where you live. My only suggestion would be to continue to put yourself out there.
If you hike, dance, run, etc. find groups to meet up with periodically. I realize you said you have never found anyone by joining a club but it sounds like some IRL interaction would be beneficial.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 23, 2017 11:04:54 GMT -5
I am not suggesting volunteering or working ias a man hunt. I am suggesting doing these things as a way of learning more about yourself. This includes learning more about you -- your possibilities now that you no longer are with your ex.
In previous posts including on the old site, you have described yourself as not doing much since leaving your husband. You have even said you seldom go out. The only social interactions I can remember your posting about were in regard to your ex husband's funeral.
Giving back by volunteering to a cause that you believe in would help you become more aware of your strengths and the many good things in your life that you could be appreciative of. Gratitude and happiness our emotions that volunteering engenders. One also can make like minded friends. Whether or not those friends develop into romantic relationships is not as important as having more relationships with people who you truly connect with One also can make like minded friends. Whether or not those friendships develop into romantic relationships is not as important as having more relationships with people whom you truly connect with.
Having a job is another way of learning about one's strengths and can be a way of connecting to other people. And if you have been mainly supporting yourself through alimony, a job also could help you become less dependent on your ex and more confident about how you can fare in the future.
Either option would afford you the opportunity to learn new things and to be less stuck in the past .
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 23, 2017 11:12:00 GMT -5
P. S. I am a Buddhist. From that spiritual path, I know that everything changes. There also is no fixed self. Buddhism does not tell one what will happen except that since you are human, you will age, change, die and eventually lose everything. It does not predict what will happen if you volunteer or work. It does indicate that having expectations about anything or clinging to anything can lead to suffering.
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 23, 2017 11:35:29 GMT -5
Caris, I'm in the camp of "get out, do the things you love, with people who share your interests". It vastly improves the odds of finding someone who shares your interests and is also a romantic candidate. I'll point out the obvious that: a) When we were both last single, the world was a different place and we were different people, so can't give much weight to that experience. b) If you've done these activities in the last 25 years, you weren't single and would not have been available for pursuit, so again maybe not terribly applicable experience. c) Even if you don't find someone doing this, you are still being active, vibrant, and doing the things you love. It's a fantastic way to spend one's time, regardless. If you can find a good wing woman in the process, that's a good thing too.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2017 13:12:28 GMT -5
I get out and do things - mainly because I know I am much better off when I do. It's not good for me to be at home alone too much. I get depressed and go into a very bad place.
So, I force myself to go out when I don't want to. I tell myself I can leave after 20 minutes if it sucks. So far, I have never done that.
If I'm *really* low and feel like I can't paste on a smile and be social, and all I want to do is curl up somewhere, I grab my phone and my e-reader and go to the bookstore or Starbucks. I like to read better than I like anything else. And, it *is* technically going out - right? I may be just sitting at a table reading, but I'm out in a public place.
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Post by Caris on Jun 23, 2017 13:45:19 GMT -5
P. S. I am a Buddhist. From that spiritual path, I know that everything changes. There also is no fixed self. Buddhism does not tell one what will happen except that since you are human, you will age, change, die and eventually lose everything. It does not predict what will happen if you volunteer or work. It does indicate that having expectations about anything or clinging to anything can lead to suffering. Yes, I'm well aware of Buddhist teachings. |
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 23, 2017 14:03:41 GMT -5
I get out and do things - mainly because I know I am much better off when I do. It's not good for me to be at home alone too much. I get depressed and go into a very bad place. So, I force myself to go out when I don't want to. I tell myself I can leave after 20 minutes if it sucks. So far, I have never done that. If I'm *really* low and feel like I can't paste on a smile and be social, and all I want to do is curl up somewhere, I grab my phone and my e-reader and go to the bookstore or Starbucks. I like to read better than I like anything else. And, it *is* technically going out - right? I may be just sitting at a table reading, but I'm out in a public place. [b The above works for me, too, and is a cheaper way to get out of the house and go shopping, something I wasted lots of money on while in my sm. |
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Post by Caris on Jun 24, 2017 13:39:05 GMT -5
I get out and do things - mainly because I know I am much better off when I do. It's not good for me to be at home alone too much. I get depressed and go into a very bad place. So, I force myself to go out when I don't want to. I tell myself I can leave after 20 minutes if it sucks. So far, I have never done that. If I'm *really* low and feel like I can't paste on a smile and be social, and all I want to do is curl up somewhere, I grab my phone and my e-reader and go to the bookstore or Starbucks. I like to read better than I like anything else. And, it *is* technically going out - right? I may be just sitting at a table reading, but I'm out in a public place. Kat, the best one can do is do what is right for them at any given time. If I want to go out, I go out. If I want to stay in, I stay in. If I go out, (say a festival or public event), and it feels lonelier than if I was home, then I go back home. This will sound strange, but at this time in my life (post divorce and bereavement), I only want to be with people I know. People who know me. Unfortunately, apart from one family member who works long hours, I don't know anyone like that here. So that leaves going to groups where everyone is a stranger, and I have neither the energy or motivation to be with strangers, so in this case, my own company is better than the draining effect of trying to make new friends with strangers...at this time. Maybe at another time, I'll feel different, but not now. |
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Post by baza on Jun 25, 2017 0:18:46 GMT -5
I think that in life - We wear the consequences today of what we chose to do (or not do) yesterday. We wear the consequences tomorrow of what we choose to do (or not do) today. This is a general observation Sister Caris , not a cheap shot at you. If I figured I might need a friend tomorrow, I might choose to start laying the groundwork for that today. If I figured that my marriage was a big mess, I might choose to start today laying the groundwork to get out of that tomorrow. If I figured my finances were headed south today, I might choose to start today in starting some remedial action in regard to that. If I figured that I'd like to hook up with a chick, I might choose to go to the front bar of the Terminus Hotel today. None of these choices I might make today guarantee me jack shit (particularly the chick at the Terminus Hotel example !!) but they *might* give me a shot. |
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Post by Caris on Jun 25, 2017 10:56:05 GMT -5
baza I am in full agreement with you. In fact during the initial shock of hearing about my husband (I somehow have an aversion to the word ex...hate saying it), I came to the realization how much I needed some friends – or at least close acquaintances – here in the place I live. I even told my children, "you need to find a partner, have children, and make your own family, work on your friendships and at least have close acquaintances because you need others who care about you at times like this." Since saying this, I've noticed both have started working on their current friendships. As for me, the corner I turned in April, was knocked back around the corner, a bit, with his loss. I was fortunate to have a good friend in the same state as the funeral was held, so I made my way there, and spent 10-days with her. It really helped being with her because she knows me, knows my history, and we could just talk without having to explain things. If I hadn't known her, I would have been in a worse state. Her kindness, understanding, and support was what I needed. It gave me strength to return home to my own almost reclusive life. Every single day I feel tired, not physically, but my mind is very tired like it's "world weary." It's the mental energy that's missing, and that's what had changed in April. I knew I'd made progress, and had recovered some mental energy, but like I said that's been knocked back a bit again, so when I've recovered what I've lost, I may try to socialize with strangers.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2017 11:34:42 GMT -5
Caris - just take as much time as you need. Go out or don't go out - as it feels best to you. I know most people advise "get out and do things." And for ME - for my personal situation - that's usually good advice. When I spend too much time alone or don't get out and about, it does bad things to my mind. 50-odd years of life have taught me this. And believe me, I am not minimizing how hard it is sometimes. I have been in a place where all I wanted to do was pull the covers over my head and stay in bed until my body rots. Sometimes you just have to keep still and let the pain do what it wants. But - also in my experience - that place has never yet been permanent. It does go away. When I'm having a really bad day (which doesn't happen as often as it used to), I give myself permission to do the absolute minimum that society says I have to do. If I'm out of bed, dressed, and at work on time, I give myself credit. I try to get my work done - and sometimes that gets me out of my own a head a bit, and I start to feel better. If I'm hungry, I just eat whatever is around; or go to Panera if I feel up to going out & it's not too close to the end of the pay period. And, I have a pet cat. He's pretty mellow, but he does let me know when he needs food! I can stir myself out of the black mood long enough to take care of my pet. That's the really horrible days. Like I said, that happens less often lately. Last August and September it was horrible. But that time in my life did pass. This is a long way of saying, just do the best you can and don't beat yourself up about it. And if other people seem like they're nagging you to do things you can't do - try to remember, they're trying to help. I know it's easy to get angry and snap at people who just don't understand how hard it is. Experience with being depressed has taught me to be polite, even if they're really pissing me off - because they really do mean well. And if I don't bite their heads off, then later, when the depression lifts, they'll still like me.
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Post by Caris on Jun 25, 2017 17:12:09 GMT -5
@smartkat Kat, you've made some excellent points. For me personally, I've done these things when I was in my 20s and 30s. I needed to get out, or I'd go crazy, but in truth, I don't like the outside world anymore. Maybe I never did, but was too naïve and wearing rose colored glasses to notice. I spent my life trying to fit in to society, to the expectations of others. I don't (won't) do that anymore. I'm my own person. I know what I like and dislike, and live by my own values.
The things I did years ago like going to B&N for coffee and book browsing holds no interest for me, although I still go sometimes. Maybe it's because Buddhism allowed me to see from outside to inside. You let things go over time, and that fell away naturally. There is a downside to letting things you once enjoyed go; you end up with not much to enjoy. I've heard this from someone else who let things go, you end up not enjoying much at all. I enjoyed riding my bike around the lake and trails, but as I already know how that goes, what I'll do, how I'll feel, it's like "I've already seen that movie." Yet my new mantra is "life is for having experiences," so I guess I'll make an effort (at times) to engage in new activities. I've recently taken up embroidery. I like it. It's relaxing and creative.
I send you love and wishes for strength, Kat. I know you are going through a lot. You must do what helps you alleviate your suffering, and yes, we must allow the pain do what it needs to do. Take care of yourself. Hugs.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 25, 2017 17:52:18 GMT -5
Caris, Buddhism teaches that everything changed all of the time. The bike you rode last week isn't the same bike as today nor are you the same. Emotions change from moment to moment. All we have is the present moment. It's attachment --clinging to ideas and thoughts, including about who we are and what are our preferences --that causes suffering.
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Post by Caris on Jun 25, 2017 20:41:17 GMT -5
Caris, Buddhism teaches that everything changed all of the time. The bike you rode last week isn't the same bike as today nor are you the same. Emotions change from moment to moment. All we have is the present moment. It's attachment --clinging to ideas and thoughts, including about who we are and what are our preferences --that causes suffering. I really don't need you to keep lecturing me on The Buddha's teachings. I'm well aware of them, as I've already said. I already mentioned about letting things go, and just as the Buddha said, use reason and your own experience to accept a particular teaching or not. Buddhism is not a doctrine. Buddha was not a God. He left us guidance, and unless we are Buddhist monks or nuns adhering to a particular school of Buddhism, then it's up to the individual to use their own reason. The Buddha also included his teachings in "letting go," and I don't cling to his teachings either. Your Own Truth "The spiritual journey is individual, highly personal. It can't be organized or regulated. It isn't true that everyone should follow one path. Listen to your own truth." ~ Ram Dass And this is exactly what I respect. Listen to your own truth. Two people walking the same path will have different experiences and different perceptions. It's not attachment that causes suffering, its loss of attachments, and who of us are so cold that we can detach from those we love? Who would want to? It was easy for the Buddha to leave his wife and newborn son. Why? Maybe he had a certain personality that can do what most can't. I don't know. I wasn't there, so I take from his teachings what make sense to me (as he instructed), and let those that don't, go. As he was dying, he said to "be your own light." I also take wisdom from the Upanishads, poets, The Bible (I was a Christian for more than 40-years, and other past and present sages. Wisdom can be found everywhere. Whether we use it is another matter, and I believe in a creator, but my spiritual life is my own. I'm on my own path, and it's personal. |
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