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Post by northstarmom on Jun 19, 2017 18:12:53 GMT -5
Caris, the men who'd be good matches for you may be involved in activities like Meetup. I didn't find a match online. I found my partner by doing an activity I enjoyed . I'd never guessed that I'd find a partner there.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 19, 2017 19:12:40 GMT -5
Let me share a recent experience with you as a suggestion. I went to 6 weeks of Divorce Recovery class in my town. I found out about it on meetup.com. There happens to be far more woman than men. At least that was my case. A good open forum to share things with others who where in all different stages of divorce.
Someone would make the suggestion that we all go out to eat afterwards. I went every time. It was like a practice date. It happened to be me and 4 or 5 other ladies at the same table.
Some where 25 yrs younger than me, others where 12 yrs.older than me. I ended up having very good conversations with all age groups. A lot of what I say on here ,I was able to pass along and share, face to face. I could feel my guard going down. There was little stress, since we all sat together, and already had discussed things openly at our meeting. It turned out to be a good confidence booster.
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Post by Caris on Jun 19, 2017 19:34:49 GMT -5
Let me share a recent experience with you as a suggestion. I went to 6 weeks of Divorce Recovery class in my town. I found out about it on meetup.com. There happens to be far more woman than men. At least that was my case. A good open forum to share things with others who where in all different stages of divorce. Someone would make the suggestion that we all go out to eat afterwards. I went every time. It was like a practice date. It happened to be me and 4 or 5 other ladies at the same table. Some where 25 yrs younger than me, others where 12 yrs.older than me. I ended up having very good conversations with all age groups. A lot of what I say on here ,I was able to pass along and share, face to face. I could feel my guard going down. There was little stress, since we all sat together, and already had discussed things openly at our meeting. It turned out to be a good confidence booster. That's great. I wish they had those in my location. I'm 2-years out, but I think would still be beneficial. The closest one to me is a 3-4 hour round trip depending on traffic. Im glad it helped you. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 19, 2017 19:44:29 GMT -5
Let me share a recent experience with you as a suggestion. I went to 6 weeks of Divorce Recovery class in my town. I found out about it on meetup.com. There happens to be far more woman than men. At least that was my case. A good open forum to share things with others who where in all different stages of divorce. Someone would make the suggestion that we all go out to eat afterwards. I went every time. It was like a practice date. It happened to be me and 4 or 5 other ladies at the same table. Some where 25 yrs younger than me, others where 12 yrs.older than me. I ended up having very good conversations with all age groups. A lot of what I say on here ,I was able to pass along and share, face to face. I could feel my guard going down. There was little stress, since we all sat together, and already had discussed things openly at our meeting. It turned out to be a good confidence booster. That's great. I wish they had those in my location. I'm 2-years out, but I think would still be beneficial. The closest one to me is a 3-4 hour round trip depending on traffic. Im glad it helped you. Yes, it could be helpful for you. Bummer, about the location! One of the ladies who was 12 yrs. older than me had been divorced for two years, and needed to start meeting people. She was a retired school teacher. Myself and one of the other ladies started asking her about testing kids with special needs. That led into me discussing my STBX's manipulative controlling ways regarding my daughters education, the rest of my kids, home schooling, and parts of our failed marriage. I received a bunch of comforting, re-assuring responses from her, that I made the right decisions, and my STBX was very controlling, many of the same things she endured with her husband. The more open I felt the easier it was to speak with another woman, and the more attractive she became as I got to know her. (kind of like a practice date). |
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Post by Caris on Jun 19, 2017 19:52:22 GMT -5
That's great. I wish they had those in my location. I'm 2-years out, but I think would still be beneficial. The closest one to me is a 3-4 hour round trip depending on traffic. Im glad it helped you. Yes, it could be helpful for you. Bummer, about the location! One of the ladies who was 12 yrs. older than me had been divorced for two years, and needed to start meeting people. She was a retired school teacher. Myself and one of the other ladies started asking her about testing kids with special needs. That led into me discussing my STBX's manipulative controlling ways regarding my daughters education, the rest of my kids, home schooling, and parts of our failed marriage. I received a bunch of comforting, re-assuring responses from her, that I made the right decisions, and my STBX was very controlling, many of the same things she endured with her husband. The more open I felt the easier it was to speak with another woman, and the more attractive she became as I got to know her. (kind of like a practice date). Proximity to another person can make them more attractive to you over time, as you get to know them. They just sort of grow on you. Nice. 🙂 |
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Post by Apocrypha on Jun 19, 2017 20:17:48 GMT -5
Not only am I not receiving any messages, no one is looking at my profile, since I'm back in my city. Zero. I received a message from OKC telling me that the worst countries for me to find a match include the USA and U.K. Well, I knew it was going to be slim pickings, but to actually live in the country which is on the worst list is pretty bad. My chances just went down from slim to likely zero. I know I'm different, I just didn't realize what a misfit I am regarding a potential mate. I think OKC is trying to tell me..."no chance." Whew! My best chances include India and the Philippines, in fact mostly Asian countries. It seems the west is rejecting me. After 25-years of rejection, this is an extra slap on my face. Wow! Where are you situated and what is your profile like? Are you a man or a woman? |
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Post by Caris on Jun 19, 2017 20:43:17 GMT -5
Apocrypha I'm a woman with an okay profile. Before I came home (I was visiting another state), there were lots of matches, although I think most were fakes or scams. I received messages, but only liked one or two potentials. Now I'm home, there is nothing, and then that message that I need to go live in India if I want a date. Not exactly those words, but implied. I don't care anymore. I'm done. I'm taking my profile down.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 19, 2017 21:04:14 GMT -5
Caris,
It's a new world since we were young. Women don't have to sit by the phone waiting for a guy to call, we can reach out and call guys. What I liked about those Internet dating sites was that I could reach out to guys who interested me. I'd never before been in the catbird seat. It was fun looking at profiles and considering whom I'd like to check out. I sent them messages. it was fun. I'm older than you, and, from how you've described yourself, I probably aren't as attractive. I also am in an area in which there's not much interest in women who look like me. Virtually all of the guys who interested me lived far away - as in thousands of miles away.
Still, it was fun picking and choosing whom I would contact.
I think it also gave me confidence when an acquaintance in real life reached out to me for a date. I wasn't expecting to find The One. Just went out to get to know him better and have fun. Had a nice time on that date as it ended u up we had lots in common including values. Neither of us rushed it. We had dates several weeks apart.It wasn't until about 4 months after our first date that we became a couple.
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Post by Apocrypha on Jun 19, 2017 21:30:11 GMT -5
Apocrypha I'm a woman with an okay profile. Before I came home (I was visiting another state), there were lots of matches, although I think most were fakes or scams. I received messages, but only liked one or two potentials. Now I'm home, there is nothing, and then that message that I need to go live in India if I want a date. Not exactly those words, but implied. I don't care anymore. I'm done. I'm taking my profile down. I live in a metropolitan city. My male buddy put up a fake female profile just to see what women get, and so he could scope his competition. His profile was empty. His name female but generic. He had one photo of his man-feet in flip flops next to beach coral and a wave. Within 15 hours he had 8 unsolicited introductions and about 30 likes. Maybe it's different in a smaller town. It might be better to reach out and contact a guy than to move to India. Most guys really don't get contacted much, compared to women. Might check in your area to see which app is most common. I have had better results from OKC up here in Canada, and Bumbl, more recently. |
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Post by Caris on Jun 20, 2017 13:00:15 GMT -5
Apocrypha I'm a woman with an okay profile. Before I came home (I was visiting another state), there were lots of matches, although I think most were fakes or scams. I received messages, but only liked one or two potentials. Now I'm home, there is nothing, and then that message that I need to go live in India if I want a date. Not exactly those words, but implied. I don't care anymore. I'm done. I'm taking my profile down. I live in a metropolitan city. My male buddy put up a fake female profile just to see what women get, and so he could scope his competition. His profile was empty. His name female but generic. He had one photo of his man-feet in flip flops next to beach coral and a wave. Within 15 hours he had 8 unsolicited introductions and about 30 likes. Maybe it's different in a smaller town. It might be better to reach out and contact a guy than to move to India. Most guys really don't get contacted much, compared to women. Might check in your area to see which app is most common. I have had better results from OKC up here in Canada, and Bumbl, more recently. They have designated me "not independent," "not sex-driven," and " not adventurous." They removed my "wholesome" designation for God knows what reason, as I am definately wholesome. Not independent? Really? I've gone through so much on my own without asking for help. Just got on with it myself. They suck at personality traits. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Jun 20, 2017 14:06:20 GMT -5
I live in a metropolitan city. My male buddy put up a fake female profile just to see what women get, and so he could scope his competition. His profile was empty. His name female but generic. He had one photo of his man-feet in flip flops next to beach coral and a wave. Within 15 hours he had 8 unsolicited introductions and about 30 likes. Maybe it's different in a smaller town. It might be better to reach out and contact a guy than to move to India. Most guys really don't get contacted much, compared to women. Might check in your area to see which app is most common. I have had better results from OKC up here in Canada, and Bumbl, more recently. They have designated me "not independent," "not sex-driven," and " not adventurous." They removed my "wholesome" designation for God knows what reason, as I am definately wholesome. Not independent? Really? I've gone through so much on my own without asking for help. Just got on with it myself. They suck at personality traits. One thing that almost automatically bumps women out of my faves is if they list 6+ dates before considering having sex. For me, that's possibly 2-3 months, and suggests that the person is really more interested in finding friends and a person to just do things with than a romantic connection. Are you sure you made your profile public? |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2017 14:14:50 GMT -5
Practice dating. Did I invent that term?
That's what I started doing, just about a year ago. I'm pissed off that I have to be dating at all. But I know that if I don't want to be all alone for the rest of my life, I have to do it. I don't like cleaning my apartment either - but when I do it, I like the results. Samesies.
I started with OKCupid, and went out with a couple of guys one time. I don't think that I've ever called a first meeting a "date," or thought of it as something serious. IMHO, the first meeting is a crapshoot. I go into it with no expectations; I figure if I'm lucky, the man will be somebody I can have a decent conversation with. That way, if lightning ever strikes and it's more than just a good conversation, I can be pleasantly surprised.
Anyway - worst case scenario: the guy is completely repellent to me for some reason. Still not a big deal. All I've lost is an hour or so of my time.
I've never said the words "practice dating" out loud, but that's what I consider every first meeting to be. If it doesn't lead to something, it was good practice at getting out and meeting men and being social. And it comforts me that, if I really find the man objectionable - I don't have to see him again!
I have now, a year later, practice-dated 13 different men. From what I see, they seem to be practice-dating too. On these first meets, I always get the feeling that neither one of us is sure we want to be there, but we are both willing to give it a shot - not expecting most of our shots to land anywhere.
Out of the 13 men, none of them have been "it" for me. One of them decided I was "it" for him; and that turned into a 6-month period of me trying to force myself to want him, and not succeeding. And it ended up being a lesson: if I'm just not feeling it, and do not think I can force it - the sooner I'm honest with the man, the better. It really does hurt everybody less to get those things over with ASAP.
And, another one, I have been dating for maybe a month now. I'm not in love with him, but I like him a lot. I don't think he's in love with me; he isn't very clingy. Sexual stuff is starting to happen. I don't think he's "it" either, but he could become a decent FWB, maybe.
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Post by Caris on Jun 20, 2017 15:50:47 GMT -5
They have designated me "not independent," "not sex-driven," and " not adventurous." They removed my "wholesome" designation for God knows what reason, as I am definately wholesome. Not independent? Really? I've gone through so much on my own without asking for help. Just got on with it myself. They suck at personality traits. One thing that almost automatically bumps women out of my faves is if they list 6+ dates before considering having sex. For me, that's possibly 2-3 months, and suggests that the person is really more interested in finding friends and a person to just do things with than a romantic connection. Are you sure you made your profile public? We are all different, but a single man who wasn't willing to wait six dates before having sex with me, would not be for me. |
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Post by Caris on Jun 20, 2017 15:53:07 GMT -5
Practice dating. Did I invent that term? That's what I started doing, just about a year ago. I'm pissed off that I have to be dating at all. But I know that if I don't want to be all alone for the rest of my life, I have to do it. I don't like cleaning my apartment either - but when I do it, I like the results. Samesies. I started with OKCupid, and went out with a couple of guys one time. I don't think that I've ever called a first meeting a "date," or thought of it as something serious. IMHO, the first meeting is a crapshoot. I go into it with no expectations; I figure if I'm lucky, the man will be somebody I can have a decent conversation with. That way, if lightning ever strikes and it's more than just a good conversation, I can be pleasantly surprised. Anyway - worst case scenario: the guy is completely repellent to me for some reason. Still not a big deal. All I've lost is an hour or so of my time. I've never said the words "practice dating" out loud, but that's what I consider every first meeting to be. If it doesn't lead to something, it was good practice at getting out and meeting men and being social. And it comforts me that, if I really find the man objectionable - I don't have to see him again! I have now, a year later, practice-dated 13 different men. From what I see, they seem to be practice-dating too. On these first meets, I always get the feeling that neither one of us is sure we want to be there, but we are both willing to give it a shot - not expecting most of our shots to land anywhere. Out of the 13 men, none of them have been "it" for me. One of them decided I was "it" for him; and that turned into a 6-month period of me trying to force myself to want him, and not succeeding. And it ended up being a lesson: if I'm just not feeling it, and do not think I can force it - the sooner I'm honest with the man, the better. It really does hurt everybody less to get those things over with ASAP. And, another one, I have been dating for maybe a month now. I'm not in love with him, but I like him a lot. I don't think he's in love with me; he isn't very clingy. Sexual stuff is starting to happen. I don't think he's "it" either, but he could become a decent FWB, maybe. I think I got that term from you, Kat. It seems OKC has no men for me to date, as it stands now, unless I move to India or the Philippines. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Jun 20, 2017 16:41:31 GMT -5
One thing that almost automatically bumps women out of my faves is if they list 6+ dates before considering having sex. For me, that's possibly 2-3 months, and suggests that the person is really more interested in finding friends and a person to just do things with than a romantic connection. Are you sure you made your profile public? We are all different, but a single man who wasn't willing to wait six dates before having sex with me, would not be for me. Well that's the thing. At my age, in the post 40, post divorce, part time custody dating market in a metropolitan city, I might meet up and date 3-5 women before I find one in which we both light up enough to make it to a meet in the first place (most people chat a fair amount online before meeting, and also determine a lot of shared interests from the get go), and THEN find out we both like each other. At LEAST 6 dates with two part time parents, coordinating child schedules, and in between dates with the other people they are dating casually, means it would take about 3 months. Now, string maybe 4 of those in a row that don't work out until the 5th time lucky, and a whole year has gone by with a lot of coffee, drinks and hanging out - mostly at my expense - and an entire year celibate. If I'm meeting several people, and a few are online trying to get my attention, I'm more likely to go with the one who demonstrates a clear interest, who I like and am attracted to, and who isn't shy about expressing her own needs. If her need is not to have sex with me even though she says she really wants to - I can get married again to do that dance.  |
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