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Post by Caris on Jun 18, 2017 10:21:43 GMT -5
I am torn on this. One part of me says that men date women for what they can get (many men, maybe not all), so what's wrong with me getting myself out of the house and meeting a man for coffee...I'll pay for my own coffee...even if I'm not attracted to him? The other part says it's a waste of time for us both, and it's disingenuous and unethical to use someone like this just so I can actually dip my feet in the dating world again. It's getting their hopes up when I have no intention of seeing them again. Yet ... I think I'll be a nervous wreck going on my first date in 27-years with a man I liked, and that nervousness would express itself in rejection. I likely would cancel the date, or if I went, I'd probably reject him before he rejects me.
Yes, I know it's screwed up, but 25-years of rejection in a SM will do that to a person.
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Post by merrygoround on Jun 18, 2017 10:24:29 GMT -5
Why are you calling it a date? Has it been set up as such? Why isn't it simply making acquaintances with a member of the opposite sex and hopefully making a new friend which may or may not develop into something more at your own pace if you so wish? Perhaps looking at it that way might take some of the pressure off and you not over-thinking it and not being able to enjoy the experience. x
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 18, 2017 11:32:27 GMT -5
Caris? It really sounds wonderful, as simple as it is. There is nothing wrong with it, at all. I hope you go and, no matter how it turns out, it's a positive experience. Every one of us could use more of those.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 18, 2017 11:53:44 GMT -5
Even with good intentions of finding a boyfriend it usually doesn't go past 1-2 meet ups. It does sound a little disingenuous and a lot of times men will talk and chat online and ask "what are you looking for?".
I believe in honesty. I'm always honest with them before I meet them.
Last guy that asked me out for coffee this past Friday morning- I cancelled, I just don't feel a connection.
Do what you are comfortable with and who knows you may meet a man you want to meet again.
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Post by lyn on Jun 18, 2017 12:05:42 GMT -5
I would definitely go. He may or may not be kind of doing the same thing. Who knows what could happen?
It does seem that a good way to deal with fear or angst from a potential situation such as this one is to walk straight into - you'll come out the other side proud of yourself for taking this chance.
Technically, I could start dating now - stressed AF thinking about it tbh.
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Post by Caris on Jun 18, 2017 12:50:04 GMT -5
Why are you calling it a date? Has it been set up as such? Why isn't it simply making acquaintances with a member of the opposite sex and hopefully making a new friend which may or may not develop into something more at your own pace if you so wish? Perhaps looking at it that way might take some of the pressure off and you not over-thinking it and not being able to enjoy the experience. x I'm calling it a date because that's what it's called...isn't it? When someone asks to meet you? I don't know. Maybe things have changed in almost three decades, but I know they call them dating sites. However, what you suggested sounds like a good way to reframe it. I do know that the men who look like my grandad or those who look like serial killers (I know it's awful to make judgements on appearance, but that's how they look to me) don't attract me at all, so to meet them for my own "practice" of being alone (even in a coffee shop) with a man again does give me an uneasy feeling in my own conscience. |
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Post by Caris on Jun 18, 2017 12:52:52 GMT -5
Caris? It really sounds wonderful, as simple as it is. There is nothing wrong with it, at all. I hope you go and, no matter how it turns out, it's a positive experience. Every one of us could use more of those. In one way I agree. They may be Practice dating also, for all I know. The other potential plus is one or both of us may actually enjoy the conversation, and learn something. |
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Post by Caris on Jun 18, 2017 12:59:30 GMT -5
Even with good intentions of finding a boyfriend it usually doesn't go past 1-2 meet ups. It does sound a little disingenuous and a lot of times men will talk and chat online and ask "what are you looking for?". I believe in honesty. I'm always honest with them before I meet them. Last guy that asked me out for coffee this past Friday morning- I cancelled, I just don't feel a connection. Do what you are comfortable with and who knows you may meet a man you want to meet again. Yeah. I have to live with my own conscience. |
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Post by Caris on Jun 18, 2017 13:00:17 GMT -5
I would definitely go. He may or may not be kind of doing the same thing. Who knows what could happen? It does seem that a good way to deal with fear or angst from a potential situation such as this one is to walk straight into - you'll come out the other side proud of yourself for taking this chance. Technically, I could start dating now - stressed AF thinking about it tbh. What is a stressed AF? |
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 18, 2017 13:06:50 GMT -5
" i am torn on this. One part of me says that men date women for what they can get (many men, maybe not all), so what's wrong with me getting myself out of the house and meeting a man for coffee...I'll pay for my own coffee."
I call that "making friends" and do and have done this with people of all ages, sexual orientations and genders. I was not practice dating or looking for a partner. Started doing this while married. Made many platonic friends. One years later became my post sm lover but that wasn't why I got to know him. I'd invite people to do this one on one with me or I'd invite a group of people who didn't even know each other. No expectations of romance. Just getting to know folks whom I thought were nice or interesting.
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Post by lwoetin on Jun 18, 2017 13:19:49 GMT -5
Caris, I would go to meet and learn about him. I think it's fun and he will have fun too hanging out for coffee. Just don't wink at him too often if he looks like serial killer. You just want company to drink coffee and chat with, and to share fascinating stories with.
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Post by lyn on Jun 18, 2017 13:36:09 GMT -5
I would definitely go. He may or may not be kind of doing the same thing. Who knows what could happen? It does seem that a good way to deal with fear or angst from a potential situation such as this one is to walk straight into - you'll come out the other side proud of yourself for taking this chance. Technically, I could start dating now - stressed AF thinking about it tbh. What is a stressed AF? Means super-duper-extremely stressed. Literally, AF is an acronym for "As F**k". Part of the Millenial Vernacular (at least my own two millenials). |
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 18, 2017 14:54:56 GMT -5
Why are you calling it a date? Has it been set up as such? Why isn't it simply making acquaintances with a member of the opposite sex and hopefully making a new friend which may or may not develop into something more at your own pace if you so wish? Perhaps looking at it that way might take some of the pressure off and you not over-thinking it and not being able to enjoy the experience. x I'm calling it a date because that's what it's called...isn't it? When someone asks to meet you? I don't know. Maybe things have changed in almost three decades, but I know they call them dating sites. However, what you suggested sounds like a good way to reframe it. I do know that the men who look like my grandad or those who look like serial killers (I know it's awful to make judgements on appearance, but that's how they look to me) don't attract me at all, so to meet them for my own "practice" of being alone (even in a coffee shop) with a man again does give me an uneasy feeling in my own conscience. At POF there is a section called 1st date at the bottom of one's profile. I wrote: "Coffee or a more potent beverage. This is really just a 1st meet. It's where we will decide if there is going to be a 1st date". Were I you I would approach this with a different mindset. I wouldn't be so predisposed to reject someone I have never met. I have met a couple women for coffee where I was really on the fence about the meet. I had some good conversations, gained some insight into women my age, and put that knowledge to use when I had a 1st meet with someone I was definitely attracted to. Get some practice engaging a single man one on one. Learn to relax. It's highly unlikely he's a serial killer or even likely to contact you again if he thinks there is no potential for more when the coffee cup is empty. And you won't be alone most likely, lots of people like coffee. |
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Post by Caris on Jun 18, 2017 15:15:24 GMT -5
I'm calling it a date because that's what it's called...isn't it? When someone asks to meet you? I don't know. Maybe things have changed in almost three decades, but I know they call them dating sites. However, what you suggested sounds like a good way to reframe it. I do know that the men who look like my grandad or those who look like serial killers (I know it's awful to make judgements on appearance, but that's how they look to me) don't attract me at all, so to meet them for my own "practice" of being alone (even in a coffee shop) with a man again does give me an uneasy feeling in my own conscience. At POF there is a section called 1st date at the bottom of one's profile. I wrote: "Coffee or a more potent beverage. This is really just a 1st meet. It's where we will decide if there is going to be a 1st date". Were I you I would approach this with a different mindset. I wouldn't be so predisposed to reject someone I have never met. I have met a couple women for coffee where I was really on the fence about the meet. I had some good conversations, gained some insight into women my age, and put that knowledge to use when I had a 1st meet with someone I was definitely attracted to. Get some practice engaging a single man one on one. Learn to relax. It's highly unlikely he's a serial killer or even likely to contact you again if he thinks there is no potential for more when the coffee cup is empty. And you won't be alone most likely, lots of people like coffee. Good idea. Maybe I should join POF, but I heard it's worse than OkCupid. I like the first date thing on the profile. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 18, 2017 20:17:10 GMT -5
The 1st dating site I ventured on was OK Cupid. After answering roughly 200 questions, with way too much emphasis on vinyl fetishes, there were only about a dozen women who came remotely close to a match with me. And most of them lived over 50 miles away. So it clearly wasn't the place for me.
Which site is worse. Depends on your perspective and eventually on your experience. It seems all dating sites share some of the negative aspects of internet dating to some degree or another. In all honesty it really is a crap shoot.
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