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Post by baza on Jun 18, 2017 20:25:12 GMT -5
Disclaimer (as I was the worst exponent of "dating" you could imagine back in the day that was appropriate for me) Anyway, I see nothing unethical about "practice dating". There is something I'd like to challenge you on Sister Caris .... Your thoughts on dating read like you are holding two - opposite - extreme views as to probable outcomes. View #1 - that if you met some bloke who seemed to have potential that you might fuck it up and reject him due to social ineptitude. View #2 - that if you met some bloke who didn't have potential that you might find it hard to reject him. Maybe busting the scenario down into little bites might help. One way or another, by your invitation, or his, you agree to meet for coffee. The mission is, "to see if this bloke is an amusing / interesting fellow to share a coffee with" Full stop. The mission at this point is not to establish whether he is a potential life partner, or even to establish that he is a serial rapist. Again, it is to "to see if this bloke is an amusing / interesting fellow to share a coffee with". No more (or less) than that. My suggestion, is to take the pressure off. It's coffee, and conversation. I assume you like coffee. And clearly from your writings in here you are a pretty good conversationalist. Therefore, you have the requisite skill set to successfully carry out this mission. And, to repeat that mission. Further missions with different agenda's might ensue, but those missions are not todays. |
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Post by Caris on Jun 18, 2017 22:20:03 GMT -5
baza That's fantastic...and so simple. I obviously can't see the woods for the trees because I'm overthinking this. I just want a coffee mate (pun intended). 😊 Thank you.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2017 22:28:01 GMT -5
Before the days of the internet we went into the world and bumped in to people and had conversations, coffee, beers and yes, one night stands. Why is it that these days every interact has to have an objective. Does meeting on a dating site mean that you have a contract that it requires certain dating rules. Go have fun, meet a few frogs and eventually you may meet someone you like
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Post by Caris on Jun 18, 2017 22:29:36 GMT -5
The 1st dating site I ventured on was OK Cupid. After answering roughly 200 questions, with way too much emphasis on vinyl fetishes, there were only about a dozen women who came remotely close to a match with me. And most of them lived over 50 miles away. So it clearly wasn't the place for me. Which site is worse. Depends on your perspective and eventually on your experience. It seems all dating sites share some of the negative aspects of internet dating to some degree or another. In all honesty it really is a crap shoot. I can't say (since that one guy that I called), that any of my matches interest me enough to want to meet them. It's disheartening really. I'm not attracted to any of them, and I've already blocked a few. A dozen (real) matches would be like a miracle to me. Btw, what's the difference between a dating site and internet dating? |
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Post by Caris on Jun 18, 2017 22:38:59 GMT -5
Before the days of the internet we went into the world and bumped in to people and had conversations, coffee, beers and yes, one night stands. Why is it that these days every interact has to have an objective. Does meeting on a dating site mean that you have a contract that it requires certain dating rules. Go have fun, meet a few frogs and eventually you may meet someone you like I'm 63-years old. I don't have years to lose playing around. I've already lost 27-years. 25 to a SM, and 2 healing from it. I don't find serial dating fun. Of course there is an objective. There always is. Mine is, after all this time alone, I want a relationship. That's it. I'm not wasting more time on frogs. I'd rather stay home and read a good book. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2017 22:49:53 GMT -5
Before the days of the internet we went into the world and bumped in to people and had conversations, coffee, beers and yes, one night stands. Why is it that these days every interact has to have an objective. Does meeting on a dating site mean that you have a contract that it requires certain dating rules. Go have fun, meet a few frogs and eventually you may meet someone you like I'm 63-years old. I don't have years to lose playing around. I've already lost 27-years. 25 to a SM, and 2 healing from it. I don't find serial dating fun. Of course there is an objective. There always is. Mine is, after all this time alone, I want a relationship. That's it. I'm not wasting more time on frogs. I'd rather stay home and read a good book. Sadly I don't think that's the way it works. Unless you get out and about you meet no one. So maybe your objective is to leave home. I am saying this as we all spent our life at home with a frog for many years. But here is the thing, now you spot a frog, brush them off and move on. |
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Post by baza on Jun 18, 2017 23:04:16 GMT -5
There is a former close friend of mine who lives in the same town as me.
Ripper bloke, very funny and engaging.
Or at least he *was*.
His missus died back in 2007 or thereabouts.
I dunno whether he is still an engaging and funny bloke or not these days.
He has elected, since his missus death to become something of a recluse, despite me and my mates inviting him on assorted 'bloke' excursions like car racing and getting hammered whilst fishing, bonfire nights, and suchlike.
And gradually, Smithy has dropped off the radar.
Last weekend, a few of us decided to go and have a look at the Porsche racing at a near by town.
Didn't even occur to any of us to ring Smithy to see if he was interested.
Not because we don't like him, rather, because he has elected to drop out, and hence no longer figures in my (or the groups) thinking much.
Actually, I will call him tonight, and see how he's going.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 19, 2017 6:17:46 GMT -5
Before the days of the internet we went into the world and bumped in to people and had conversations, coffee, beers and yes, one night stands. Why is it that these days every interact has to have an objective. Does meeting on a dating site mean that you have a contract that it requires certain dating rules. Go have fun, meet a few frogs and eventually you may meet someone you like I'm 63-years old. I don't have years to lose playing around. I've already lost 27-years. 25 to a SM, and 2 healing from it. I don't find serial dating fun. Of course there is an objective. There always is. Mine is, after all this time alone, I want a relationship. That's it. I'm not wasting more time on frogs. I'd rather stay home and read a good book. I'm going for a twofer here. #1...there is no difference between a dating site and internet dating, same thing....#2..the Celt has it right , if you are going to pursue dating via electronic means(the internet) then you are going to have to deal with the frogs, same as you do IRL As for a relationship, that takes time to build. And generally it takes time to cull through the fish in the pool, deciding which ones you might want to keep and tossing the others back. A couple things to remember, one woman's frog is another woman's keeper, and there will be another person also deciding on whether the type of relationship the 2 of you do or do not enjoy. If it's any consolation males have the Cinderella complex to contend with, women swimming around in the dating pool with "someday my prince will come" playing in their head. So both sexes have their trials and tribulations at dating sites. |
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 19, 2017 11:36:53 GMT -5
Caris... Context. If you keep it to coffee or a cafe lunch (both Dutch treat) then expectations will not be more than a meet & greet / pulse check. Evening drinks or more elaborate dining will give a different impression. Unethical? No, unless you're setting wrong expectations or doing it to get free dinner & drinks. He could be in the same boat. However... this will be a slow and tedious process. There are only so many coffees and lunches to be had. I do think you need to try some 1:1 experiences to regain your confidence, but I think you'll find better results in a group social setting where romance is not the primary goal and you can narrow the candidate's socially before exploring romantic interests. But perhaps before even that... I think you would benefit from finding a social wingwoman who enjoys similar activities, who can help you find/weed out prospects, and who also has your back. It'd help a lot with the feeling of being overwhelmed with re-entry, and also like it's you vs the world.
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Post by WindSister on Jun 19, 2017 11:56:12 GMT -5
I called it a "meet and greet" because that's all you are doing - meeting. You may have talked online a bit and/or on the phone, but you still don't "know" the person, so you don't KNOW if you even want to go on a date with him. It's harmless. Meet for coffee, talk, no expectations other than to scope each other out and see if you click on any level at all. I always paid my way on those unless the man absolutely INSISTED. I would say half insisted, half let me pay my way. I didn't care either way, I expected to pay for myself. I admit I did not offer to pick up their tabs except for the one man who forgot his wallet (or so he said.. lol).
Maybe he will be better in person (as far as attraction) - it happens A LOT. Some don't portray themselves well in pictures or online but shine in real life. Either way, whether you like them or not, no harm in meeting and talking.
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Post by Caris on Jun 19, 2017 12:27:35 GMT -5
There is a former close friend of mine who lives in the same town as me. Ripper bloke, very funny and engaging. Or at least he *was*. His missus died back in 2007 or thereabouts. I dunno whether he is still an engaging and funny bloke or not these days. He has elected, since his missus death to become something of a recluse, despite me and my mates inviting him on assorted 'bloke' excursions like car racing and getting hammered whilst fishing, bonfire nights, and suchlike. And gradually, Smithy has dropped off the radar. Last weekend, a few of us decided to go and have a look at the Porsche racing at a near by town. Didn't even occur to any of us to ring Smithy to see if he was interested. Not because we don't like him, rather, because he has elected to drop out, and hence no longer figures in my (or the groups) thinking much. Actually, I will call him tonight, and see how he's going. I can well understand your friend withdrawing from life and society. Once you have, it takes great effort to rejoin it, if you ever do. It's nice that you will contact him, Baz. I hope it rekindles a lost friendship, and brings something to you both. Let's know what happens. |
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Post by Caris on Jun 19, 2017 12:42:31 GMT -5
Caris... Context. If you keep it to coffee or a cafe lunch (both Dutch treat) then expectations will not be more than a meet & greet / pulse check. Evening drinks or more elaborate dining will give a different impression. Unethical? No, unless you're setting wrong expectations or doing it to get free dinner & drinks. He could be in the same boat. However... this will be a slow and tedious process. There are only so many coffees and lunches to be had. I do think you need to try some 1:1 experiences to regain your confidence, but I think you'll find better results in a group social setting where romance is not the primary goal and you can narrow the candidate's socially before exploring romantic interests. But perhaps before even that... I think you would benefit from finding a social wingwoman who enjoys similar activities, who can help you find/weed out prospects, and who also has your back. It'd help a lot with the feeling of being overwhelmed with re-entry, and also like it's you vs the world. You make good suggestions, DC. I'm going out with a social group this week with no expectations except I hope I like the company. They are all strangers to me. I've been here for two-years, and haven't made one friend, male or female, but then I've been living like a hermit. I haven't had the energy to make the effort. Needed that space of time for myself. The dating site is a non starter. After I got home and changed my location, there hasn't been one message, except for some obvious fakes yesterday. I can't see myself meeting anyone that way. There are only 23 matches. It's a small city. How ironic that now I'm ready to dip my toe in the dating pool, there are no men to date. |
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Post by Caris on Jun 19, 2017 12:47:52 GMT -5
I called it a "meet and greet" because that's all you are doing - meeting. You may have talked online a bit and/or on the phone, but you still don't "know" the person, so you don't KNOW if you even want to go on a date with him. It's harmless. Meet for coffee, talk, no expectations other than to scope each other out and see if you click on any level at all. I always paid my way on those unless the man absolutely INSISTED. I would say half insisted, half let me pay my way. I didn't care either way, I expected to pay for myself. I admit I did not offer to pick up their tabs except for the one man who forgot his wallet (or so he said.. lol). Maybe he will be better in person (as far as attraction) - it happens A LOT. Some don't portray themselves well in pictures or online but shine in real life. Either way, whether you like them or not, no harm in meeting and talking. You are right. The problem is there are no men to meet. I mean absolutely no one on the dating app. Only 23 matches. It was 24, but looks like one has gone. I'm not attracted to any of them, and the guy that I did like, lives in another state and hasn't called, so I give up. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Jun 19, 2017 14:18:40 GMT -5
I call that a first meet.
If we kiss or make out, then I call it a date.
Most first meets and even first dates rarely get past a couple dates.
With some of these: people are just interested in kicking the tires.
With others, they are looking for something hot, sexual, and light - then out. Frequently the newly single are like this.
And with others, it's all in.
I prefer it when my prospects are more clear up front if there are things they DON'T want, or if they have specific ideas.
As a single dad, my life is pretty busy and I don't like to waste my time and money if it's just someone looking for something to do, and aren't at least a little bit hungry.
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Post by Caris on Jun 19, 2017 17:09:34 GMT -5
Not only am I not receiving any messages, no one is looking at my profile, since I'm back in my city. Zero. I received a message from OKC telling me that the worst countries for me to find a match include the USA and U.K. Well, I knew it was going to be slim pickings, but to actually live in the country which is on the worst list is pretty bad. My chances just went down from slim to likely zero. I know I'm different, I just didn't realize what a misfit I am regarding a potential mate.
I think OKC is trying to tell me..."no chance." Whew! My best chances include India and the Philippines, in fact mostly Asian countries. It seems the west is rejecting me. After 25-years of rejection, this is an extra slap on my face. Wow!
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