Curious about something

A page or so of posts ago, you said something very revealing tiffanyc - to wit - " We do have issues outside the sex. That just seems to be the bigger problem so I'm going after it first."

Take this for what it is worth, but the vast majority of situations here reflect the same common thing. A fundamentally dysfunctional relationship with sex as the most visible symptom of the underlying malaise.

To concentrate on the sex is to concentrate on the symptom, not the disease.

It's akin to gobbling handfuls of aspirin to treat an infected tooth.

"H came home from work looking beat. Plus it got to almost 110 today and he was out in it."

Did you offer him a bj? I don't see any evidence that he refused you. What I see happened was what typically happens the rare times refuser offer sex. The refused figure out a way to avoid it.

If your husband had come home and you had sent the kids out, greeted him in a sexy outfit, handed him a drink and got to your knees and unzipped him and then he pushed you away, said, "I'm tired" and went to bed, you would have had reason not to have sex. That's not what you describe happening.

I have found that a man who is tired after working a long, hot day will perk up quickly for a blowjob.

The times that I'm interested but partner really is too tired, I get a verbal explanation, a raincheck that gets folllwed through on within less than a day. My partner is 65 and has had a heart attack. I can't remember him ever being too tired for a bj. His dick might be unable to rise to the occasion, but otherwise, he would be accepting. After all, I'd be doing all of the work. It is difficult for me to imagine that your fit, far younger husband who has a high libido turned down a bj tonight.

If your husband were posting here, he probably would be sounding like the rest of the refused husbands. He might post that his wife used to refuse sex saying she was too stressed from her job so he told her to quit and they'd get by on one income that he earned from his job that stressed him out. Afterward, she still wouldn't have sex with him.

He might say that he has to get up at 5:30 to go to his job and his wife doesn't even let him touch her before he leaves. He'd like to start the day with sex, but she claims to be too tired even though she could sleep all day since she doesn't have a job. She doesn't bother to get up and fix him breakfast or a passionate kiss.The house looks a wreck. He feels unloved and unappreciated.

She claims to have no libido but spends her time reading and writing romance novels. But she's not romantic with him. He had to work on their anniversary and had hoped for some anniversary sex. But when he got home, she hadn't done anything to look sexy. She didn't even mention their anniversary. Usually he was the one who planned things, but since she usually complained about the restaurant and wasn't interested in sex and only said happy anniversary in response to his words, he decided to do nothing and see if it meant enough to her to acknowledge the day.

She didn't. When one of the kids asked if a friend could stay over, he asked his wife hoping that she'd say no since it was their anniversary, he had worked all day, and it would be hard to get romantic with a guest in the house. His wife eagerly said yes to the sleepover. So, of course there was no sex, not even a hand job on their anniversary.

He got sex a few days later and thought she liked it. But apparently it didn't please her because she never said anything about it or seemed interested in more. When he has great sex, he is eager for more, but his wife didn't say or do anything indicating she wanted a follow up.

She did text him something that could have been snarky. Then she sent him something that could have meant she was comparing him unfavorably with men in her romance books. Still, maybe she was hinting about sex. He came home puzzled and wary after deciding to follow her lead. She did absolutely nothing indicating sexual interest in him.

He decides it's not worth it to initiate. He must have been stupid to have had hope. He goes to bed angry and wondering what it would be like to have a wife who appreciated him and gave a damn.

Okay, now you are just ASSUMING stuff and twisting everything.

He DID give an explanation and said he was TIRED and APOLOGIZED for not having a hot evening like we planned.

I never said anything about morning sex or him offering or even hinting at it. You need to stop with placing the blame on me about a situation you know nothing about and assuming facts about me.

My old job wasn't stressful and he didn't tell me to quit. (Another fact you twisted) I was let go due to downsizing. He SUGGESTED I not return to the work force and I AGREED with him. If I had wanted to work I would have.

So before you make assumptions on how he or I would respond... get your quotes right at least.

Yes my H can be a dickhead but this wasn't one of those times

So if you are serious about the bj, take his dick in the morning before he gets up and give him a bj.

I am suggesting that instead of expecting your overworked husband to be a full partner in the act this time that you give him the gift of being responsible only for laying there and enjoying it. If he has been rejected a lot by you, he probably could benefit from clear indications that you desire him and appreciate him.

Hello tiffanyc.

I apologize for coming a little late to this party as I have been away for a while. It has taken the better part of several days to get even part of the way through all of the unread posts.

First, I want to thank you for your perspective. It is not too often that we get to see things from "the other side" so to speak. I think it would be interesting to have both partners on the forum to each give their sides, kind of like a debate. Not necessarily for feedback from the peanut gallery, but to see a real situation play out objectively - think fly on the wall. Regardless of our own histories we still only see one side of the situation.

My wife would definitely not do that. I won't even tell her about my own participation here (which I believe is true for many others - the anonymity allows for freedom). However, if she did I would imagine she may tell a similar story to yours.

While I believe she has no interest in sex (in general), in the past she has used what we sometimes call the "pay to play" tactic. She accused me of not being romantic, of not holding hands, of not saying "I love you", etc. (many of the same things you say about your H). If I would just do these things then she would be more likely to be in the mood. "Priming the pump," she says. She gave me my "orders" and I tried to make sure I was appropriately attending to her needs, trying to make myself better at the intimacy she said she needed. There was no payoff. There was always something else I needed to do, what I did wasn't good enough, or there was something I did wrong to ruin it. There was always some other excuse. I got every refusal line in the book:

All you think about is sex.
You don't love me, you just want my body.
It doesn't mean anything because...

I could go on and on. Even sometimes when I think I am giving a sensual touch, she would say I am just "grabbing". Difference of perspective? Maybe. More likely exaggerating to prevent me from doing it anymore. This is a type of DARVO the others have mentioned here, and it is a very powerful tool. She lost her credibility. So, I have detached. I have become so frustrated and even angry that I am losing all interest myself. I'm not as attentive; I don't do the "little things" much any more. I haven't yet become a counter-refuser - but I don't think I am far off. So at this moment she could say some of those things and it would very likely be mostly true, but without the background leading up to it, it would just look like I am a jerk and it really is all my fault.

I am not accusing you of doing these things, and I am not trying to make a parallel of my relationship and yours. I am merely positing the idea that many of us have heard from our partners something very similar to what you are saying, but in the end it is at best a difference of perspective (or of compatibility) and at worst an outright lie to avoid sex altogether. It may also explain why some readers may approach your story with some skepticism.

I apologize for such a long reply and inserting my own story into your thread. Just reading some of the back and forth here reminds me that we all need a little reminder of perspective at times. Thank you again for being a part of our little group and contributing to great discourse.

All my best.

A part - the more constructive part- of my last post got cut off:
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Try this:

Say nothing to him. Don't talk or posture. After he gets home from working hard in 100 heat so that he can support your family, as soon as he steps out of the shower get on you knees and suck his dick and when done - still on your knees - look up into his eyes and say "thanks for everything you do and working so hard. let's do this more often." Smile and walk out of the room.

No bullshit.

From what you have told us on the forum all your actions have been 'sound and fury' and you haven't just fucked him. You talked to him about fucking him. You have been dramatic about signaling you want to fuck him. You have talked to disembodied spirits on a digital Ouija board about fucking him... You have done many thing except just fuck the dude.

Just fuck him and stop the bullshit. If he denys you - then you can come here and talking about having a sexless marriage.... until that point, you are someone who is annoyed that you are being asked for sex but your life partner not happily paying the 'required tolls' for the privilege.