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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 17:05:59 GMT -5
Look, I get that you're going through a really crappy time right now with your W or whatever, but I don't appreciate you tossing in things that YOUR THERAPIST has told YOU about YOU AND YOUR W. And do NOT compare ME and MY situation with my H to YOU and YOURS. If I wanted a therapist again I'd look for one. Wishing you a wonderful, intimate evening with your H. tonight. May all your dreams come true. Thank you. I hope in time things get better for you and yours and you find happiness. |
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 17:16:54 GMT -5
Look, I'm sorry if I came off bitchy to GC and I do apologize for that. I'm not here to offend anyone or to tick people off.
If I have I am sorry.
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 19:13:02 GMT -5
Post update: well, the hot night I was aiming for may be out on hold.
H came home from work looking beat. Plus it got to almost 110 today and he was out in it.
But it's still early so he could feel up to it after dinner and having a chance to actually cool off. If not, well, I'll text him again tomorrow and we'll see if we can't make it up. 😊
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Post by unmatched on Jun 15, 2017 19:23:53 GMT -5
I agree with bballgirl. I don't think there is anything wrong with your sex drive at all. I think you just can't get it up for your husband any more because he is walking around in his own protective shell thinking about his own pleasure and he refuses to crack it open and give you what YOU need in return. But ... you are still married to him and he is not going to do anything about this by himself. So the onus is on you. How about you promise him really good sex but only if he takes you out and romances you properly first. You could give him a score out of 10. Anything over a 6 and the date ends in sex. Anything over an 8 and he gets something special. It might feel horribly artificial and you might feel he is only doing it to get laid. But right now you are at an impasse and you need to break it somehow. After a couple of months of seeing how you respond to it he might just figure out that this is important. And if he doesn't - well at least you know at that point that he is never going to give you what you want. |
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 20:39:20 GMT -5
I agree with bballgirl. I don't think there is anything wrong with your sex drive at all. I think you just can't get it up for your husband any more because he is walking around in his own protective shell thinking about his own pleasure and he refuses to crack it open and give you what YOU need in return. But ... you are still married to him and he is not going to do anything about this by himself. So the onus is on you. How about you promise him really good sex but only if he takes you out and romances you properly first. You could give him a score out of 10. Anything over a 6 and the date ends in sex. Anything over an 8 and he gets something special. It might feel horribly artificial and you might feel he is only doing it to get laid. But right now you are at an impasse and you need to break it somehow. After a couple of months of seeing how you respond to it he might just figure out that this is important. And if he doesn't - well at least you know at that point that he is never going to give you what you want. Good idea. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2017 21:00:26 GMT -5
Have you considered the obvious, neither of you really want the other sexually. And you use this issue of sex so that you don't have to really look at your marriage. The number one comment you always hear from new people is "everything is great but the sex" ..... the old times here always have a giggle at that one.
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Post by baza on Jun 15, 2017 21:12:41 GMT -5
Who is the refuser in these situations ain't any more important than who is the refused.
It doesn't matter - unless, you wish to apply labels and apportion blame. Neither of which will do anything to bring this deal to resolution.
You present as a pretty typical chick. Nothing about what you have written suggests to me that you are disinterested in sex.
There's a hint or two that your spouses version of sex or at least the preliminaries to it, are not your ideal.
There are clear indicators that you are not willing to clearly communicate with your spouse, as you fear his reaction. That is presumably history based, not something that has just emerged.
You note having tried the usual scented candles strategies in the past, with sub optimal results.
Your spouse, based on your comments, appears to be something of a dick. But he ain't writing here. You are. And that indicates that the situation is bothering you a whole heap more than it is bothering him.
But the situation is at an impasse.
The very thing that might break the nexus, a straight up conversation and exchange of views, is the very thing you don't want to do - and quite possibly your spouse doesn't want to do either.
The notion of engaging an objective 3rd party, a therapist, to help start the necessary dialogue doesn't appear to have any appeal for you - and perhaps your spouse either.
So the impasse remains in place.
And appears likely to remain in place indefinitely.
In its' current format, your deal looks fucked.
And that, would be down to both of you.
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 22:16:37 GMT -5
Who is the refuser in these situations ain't any more important than who is the refused. It doesn't matter - unless, you wish to apply labels and apportion blame. Neither of which will do anything to bring this deal to resolution. You present as a pretty typical chick. Nothing about what you have written suggests to me that you are disinterested in sex. There's a hint or two that your spouses version of sex or at least the preliminaries to it, are not your ideal. There are clear indicators that you are not willing to clearly communicate with your spouse, as you fear his reaction. That is presumably history based, not something that has just emerged. You note having tried the usual scented candles strategies in the past, with sub optimal results. Your spouse, based on your comments, appears to be something of a dick. But he ain't writing here. You are. And that indicates that the situation is bothering you a whole heap more than it is bothering him. But the situation is at an impasse. The very thing that might break the nexus, a straight up conversation and exchange of views, is the very thing you don't want to do - and quite possibly your spouse doesn't want to do either. The notion of engaging an objective 3rd party, a therapist, to help start the necessary dialogue doesn't appear to have any appeal for you - and perhaps your spouse either. So the impasse remains in place. And appears likely to remain in place indefinitely. In its' current format, your deal looks fucked. And that, would be down to both of you. I read your comment. I want to address the therapist part first. That seems to be thrown at me ALOT since I started posting. Look, I've done the therapist route. Twice and personally it's not for me. Yes I was given advice and tips but therapy isn't for everyone and it doesn't work for everyone. I'm just saying. Now, you mentioned my "fear of his reaction". I fear it but not because I'm "scared of him", it's more I don't want to end up in an argument where neither of us really hear the other and therefore nothing is resolved. I'm thinking of a different way to put this subject on the table that will not end in the same old argument. Been there done that and frankly it's exhausting. Yes my H can be a dick, yet I can be a bitch sometimes. We're both stubborn hard-headed people. But what can you do right? You are right about his version and my version of sex not lining up. Well, I'm hoping to fix that. Or at least try and get us on the same track there. Maybe we wont be on the same track ALL the time, but hey, a little deviation can be fun right? |
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 22:19:40 GMT -5
Have you considered the obvious, neither of you really want the other sexually. And you use this issue of sex so that you don't have to really look at your marriage. The number one comment you always hear from new people is "everything is great but the sex" ..... the old times here always have a giggle at that one. Being sexually attracted to him isn't the problem. It's more how HE approaches it with me. I never said everything else is good nor do I pretend it is. We do have issues outside the sex. That just seems to be the bigger problem so I'm going after it first. I am looking at my marriage just from a different window. |
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 22:22:52 GMT -5
Update 2: I was right. He was beat and is currently in bed. He did say sorry about not having the hot evening. Am I disappointed? A little but hey, I tried a different tactic with him, I initiated things, but hell, working out in 110 heat would zap anybody's mood. Especially when you're working for 10 hours.
I'll do it again tomorrow and since it's Friday and should be home all weekend I think I have a better shot.
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Post by baza on Jun 15, 2017 22:23:16 GMT -5
If you've got some alternative plan to start the necessary dialogue Sister tiffanyc , then good on you. It certainly reads like you need an "umpire" or "mediator" or "referee" or similar to facilitate such a conversation. Therapy most certainly is NOT for everyone. |
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 22:33:49 GMT -5
If you've got some alternative plan to start the necessary dialogue Sister tiffanyc , then good on you. It certainly reads like you need an "umpire" or "mediator" or "referee" or similar to facilitate such a conversation. Therapy most certainly is NOT for everyone. If I could get our friend from California out here for a weekend and send the kids to friends oh hell yeah. She knows us both well and be a perfect choice. In fact I may see about calling her and talking to her about this and get her insight. |
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Post by baza on Jun 15, 2017 22:39:35 GMT -5
You mention "our" friend - presumably a friend of you both - so that would eliminate you (or him) feeling "ganged up on".
It could have something going for it - if she has any mediation skills.
It could also ignite an explosion if she hasn't got mediation skills.
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Post by tiffanyc on Jun 15, 2017 22:41:10 GMT -5
You mention "our" friend - presumably a friend of you both - so that would eliminate you (or him) feeling "ganged up on". It could have something going for it - if she has any mediation skills. It could also ignite an explosion if she hasn't got mediation skills. She's been a mediator for us before. When we were stationed at LeJune in North Carolina. She saw his side and mine and that helped. |
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Post by baza on Jun 15, 2017 22:49:11 GMT -5
Probably be smart to word your spouse up on what you propose.
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