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Post by nolongerlonely on Jun 15, 2017 2:06:54 GMT -5
Having a bit of a nervous morning, thought I would share with all you wonderful people.
My SM, has been in free-fall for a long time. No touching of any kind in at least 5 years, and no sex for 10. I've tried to discuss this a few times with my partner, but its always ended either in an enormous argument, or tears (mine), or once, both. The last time we had one of those, she promised counselling, both together, and on her own. But it was a false promise. And soon, the whole event was forgotten. That was I think 3 years ago.
I've made myself ill with it, both physically, and mentally. I must admit, that for at least 2 of the last 3 years, I've lived in a very introverted manner, sad about my 'situation', but feeling I am too deep into it to dig myself out, and then, the scary thought of being even more lonely afterwards. Its also been very hard to move forward, because I live in a very confrontational, sometimes hostile environment. For someone who hates confrontation, its even more easy to be a 'snail' and slide back into the shell.
Over the many years this has all been going on, I've spoken to loads of friends and socialised as normal, I'm pretty confident none of them have the vaguest clue. Just one perhaps. I appear to be one of those people living a 'dream life', with a wonderful home and possessions, nice holidays and so on.
I've all but let my small business slide down the pan over the last 8 years, there just hasnt seemed any point. I hate the holidays, because all I see are other couples interacting in a normal loving manner. Fortunately finances havent been great for the last few years, so the holidays are shorter and less exotic.
I re-invested in hobbies too, two of them that I have done since much younger. This took my mind off things for a while, but in the end it all came back, reducing any sense of enjoyment for most of the time at least.
I found this forum 4 months ago. Its given me enormous strength to face my demons. Its shown me there are people out there, both sexes, feeling and experiencing life just as I do. For the last few weeks, I have been boiling over with the desire to yet again talk to my partner about it all. But differently this time, not with a view to continuing any more, but to quit and separate. That time finally came last night. I said it all, calmly, that I want to sell our home and go our separate ways. Of course, she tried to start an argument. I refused and went to bed. So after only a few hours sleep, here I am telling my story.
This is all quite a milestone for me. My day has started early as usual, and she is still in bed, as usual. I wonder what the day will bring. I'll keep you all posted on progress. Thank you for being here and all the support you have given me, either directly, or through your own posts. I dont think I'd be where I am if it hadnt been for that.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 15, 2017 6:38:46 GMT -5
That was very brave and courageous of you, not an easy thing to announce but necessary. Congratulations on getting that out.
Now go after the life you want and find your happiness!
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Post by merrygoround on Jun 15, 2017 7:11:39 GMT -5
So happy for you, my friend! Stick to your guns. You can (and will) do this! x
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Post by nolongerlonely on Jun 15, 2017 8:21:15 GMT -5
Thank you bballgirl and merrygoround, really means alot. Its been a tough day so far, but I have reinforced it all by explaining I cant live like this any more. She understands I think but I'm still quite wary. I've offered to always be her friend if she wants me to be. We've been together almost 29 years, I'm only falling out if thats the direction she pushes it down. At the moment, its all ok. I just hope it stays that way. I'm not backing down though, been there, done that. Alot to sort out though, but just as shamwow says on his signature, the first part is the hardest. I've actually done it (leans back in complete amazement) |
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Post by shamwow on Jun 15, 2017 8:32:37 GMT -5
Thank you bballgirl and merrygoround , really means alot. Its been a tough day so far, but I have reinforced it all by explaining I cant live like this any more. She understands I think but I'm still quite wary. I've offered to always be her friend if she wants me to be. We've been together almost 29 years, I'm only falling out if thats the direction she pushes it down. At the moment, its all ok. I just hope it stays that way. I'm not backing down though, been there, done that. Alot to sort out though, but just as shamwow says on his signature, the first part is the hardest. I've actually done it (leans back in complete amazement) Well done, brother. Figuring out what you want IS usually the hardest step, but the other two can also be pretty tough too. A couple questions / thoughts: - I can't recall if there are any minor children involved. I'm guessing being married 29 years the answer is no? If so, that does make this a bit "easier" - Have you talked with an attorney to see how things would play out in your area? I'd try to figure out how it works both contested and uncontested. - If you still share a bed, have you considered moving to a different room. You'd be amazed at how big of a difference that makes in relieving the tension. Keep us in the loop! |
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Post by nolongerlonely on Jun 15, 2017 8:47:09 GMT -5
thanks shamwow, thats great advice and I'm grateful too for all the help I've had, reading some of your posts for example. I realised everything was 'wrong' about 20 years ago, but I decided I wasnt going to disturb the family we had created together. It seemed far too selfish of me, and I think back then, I had read various articles about sexual desire returning some time later, so clung onto that. Answering the question, no - no minors. Now post university and working. Although at home. Actually present for last night's 'discussion' and knew about the SM anyway. Didnt agree with it either, so nice to feel I have some support within the 4 walls. Slightly embarassing to have the talk with the kids too, but wife wasnt taking no for an answer when I suggested postponing the talk for today. I havent talked to an attorney. We've agreed for the time being not to. She is, in my opinion, entitled to far less than half, but I am happy to divide it 50/50. I'd really rather stay amicable if its an option. 29 years is a long time, I'd hate to draw a line through it over money. If it gets to that, then very sadly I will take advice, but I have to be honest, I've an allergy to the legal world. Most of it is either common sense, or by the time it gets to the courtroom, like being on stage. I'll employ Brad Pitt to act on my behalf if we get to that, lol. And we are already more or less in separate rooms. But thats been formalised this morning. We are living as friends/siblings, until its all sorted out. I've selected my room, although wasnt concerned which one. I'm quite mindful of the mind games though. I need to keep my resolve. But I believe I will. If only because of what you guys have all taught me, that there is a better life. I promise to keep you all informed. This place has become a haven for lost souls like me. I'm going nowhere ! |
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Post by shamwow on Jun 15, 2017 9:06:28 GMT -5
I was also loathe to consult an attorney. Even after telling her I wanted a divorce, it was still a couple months before I did. In our case, it was when we mutually agreed to do so. If I could do it over again, I would change that decision. By not speaking with an attorney, the only "knowledge" I had of the process, my rights, and my responsibilities came from internet research (always questionable in reliability and not tailored to our situation). My wife consulted the well known and prestigious firm of "Facebook, Friends, and Paralegal" who proceeded to liberally dispense their learned opinions. If I were you, I'd push for both of you to do an initial free consultation. For example, I have a feeling that "in my opinion, she is entitled to far less than half, but I am happy to divide it 50/50" ain't going to fly. In most jurisdictions, she is entitled to 50% and you are entitled to 50%. And being married 29 years, you may also be on the hook for alimony for a period of years in addition to that. But it all depends on your location, situation, etc... I hate lawyers personally (sorry flashjohn), but sometimes they are a necessary evil. I think what you are worried about in bringing in lawyers is things becoming "un-civil". That is not a factor of the lawyers, but of the people involved. The lawyer works for you. If it doesn't "mesh", find another one. Right now, you're just looking for a map, not a shark. Encourage your wife to do the same. If this is truly what you want, keep your resolve and get the ball rolling. |
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Post by nolongerlonely on Jun 15, 2017 9:50:38 GMT -5
thanks, oh yes, its truly what I want. I've been royally stitched up by a lawyer in the past, and then basically had to dig myself out by employing another one who literally copied and pasted everything I wrote to form my defence, and then charged me a 4 figure sum for the experience. I realise they aren't all the same, but you really only find out after using your pin number. I was young and stupid then, I'm just older now !
I'm sure you're right though,but I just need to deal with one milestone at a time. Last night's event and today has been remarkable constructive so far, if it shows any sign on deviating, I'll be on google looking for one. Promise.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2017 9:53:19 GMT -5
I was also loathe to consult an attorney. Even after telling her I wanted a divorce, it was still a couple months before I did. In our case, it was when we mutually agreed to do so. If I could do it over again, I would change that decision. By not speaking with an attorney, the only "knowledge" I had of the process, my rights, and my responsibilities came from internet research (always questionable in reliability and not tailored to our situation). My wife consulted the well known and prestigious firm of "Facebook, Friends, and Paralegal" who proceeded to liberally dispense their learned opinions. If I were you, I'd push for both of you to do an initial free consultation. For example, I have a feeling that "in my opinion, she is entitled to far less than half, but I am happy to divide it 50/50" ain't going to fly. In most jurisdictions, she is entitled to 50% and you are entitled to 50%. And being married 29 years, you may also be on the hook for alimony for a period of years in addition to that. But it all depends on your location, situation, etc... I hate lawyers personally (sorry flashjohn ), but sometimes they are a necessary evil. I think what you are worried about in bringing in lawyers is things becoming "un-civil". That is not a factor of the lawyers, but of the people involved. The lawyer works for you. If it doesn't "mesh", find another one. Right now, you're just looking for a map, not a shark. Encourage your wife to do the same. If this is truly what you want, keep your resolve and get the ball rolling. No offense taken. I know exactly what you mean. This is why I like being a prosecutor. I can decide if a case is worth pursuing, and if I don't, I dismiss it. But I have noticed something. Most lawyers are jerks, except those of us who have had prior careers. I was a claims adjuster for 10 years and was treated very horribly by the company, and I resolved never to treat anyone the way I was treated. The best lawyer I have ever known was a plumber before law school, and two of my closest lawyer friends were a teacher and a rental car worker before law school. So it seems to be that actually working in a real job tends to make a lawyer a much better person in general, and you become a better lawyer. |
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Post by nolongerlonely on Jun 15, 2017 10:06:21 GMT -5
The best lawyer I ever used (maybe 6 times) took retirement 4 years ago, and the people he sold his practise to, are typical cash hungry morons, allowing their secretaries to do all the real work. The retiring lawyer, is not only the same age as me, but also said he was quitting the industry because of the people in it !!
Things are probably very different in the US. Get bad results, and dont pay. Here, its very different I think. In fact, I recall a joke I heard years ago, it focuses on the well known phrase 'wherever there is a will, theres a way' (meaning you will find a way forward if determined enough). Modified for the benefit of humour to 'Wherever there is a will, there is always a greedy solicitor' I've dealt with a couple of them too.
Sorry John, I'm confident you are one of the good guys. Maybe you should create a manual of them (Worlds shortest book, lol) I'm a cynic and love sarcasm, please forgive me.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2017 10:42:46 GMT -5
The best lawyer I ever used (maybe 6 times) took retirement 4 years ago, and the people he sold his practise to, are typical cash hungry morons, allowing their secretaries to do all the real work. The retiring lawyer, is not only the same age as me, but also said he was quitting the industry because of the people in it !! Things are probably very different in the US. Get bad results, and dont pay. Here, its very different I think. In fact, I recall a joke I heard years ago, it focuses on the well known phrase 'wherever there is a will, theres a way' (meaning you will find a way forward if determined enough). Modified for the benefit of humour to 'Wherever there is a will, there is always a greedy solicitor' I've dealt with a couple of them too. Sorry John, I'm confident you are one of the good guys. Maybe you should create a manual of them (Worlds shortest book, lol) I'm a cynic and love sarcasm, please forgive me. Unfortunately, there are not many of us. But the ones who are honest are really treated well. When I finally do retire, I will probably do some criminal defense, but just of DWI's and minor offenses. Then I can just tell the defendants that I can try to get them the best plea bargain possible, but they are likely to be convicted. It still amazes me that lawyers are not able or willing to tell their clients that they are going to be found guilty. My trial partner recently tried a case where a mother did not feed her newborn baby to the point that he weighed less at 3 months than he did at birth. She offered probation, but the moron lawyer actually thought he could get a not guilty. She got 6 years. The worst part is the mother showed up extremely overweight. When the jury saw the pictures of the poor baby, the looks could have killed her. But don't get me started about civil lawyers. The billable hour is the absolute worst thing that was ever created. Now all the large firms care about is how many hours they can bill. It is very sad. |
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Post by nolongerlonely on Jun 15, 2017 10:47:30 GMT -5
(very) sadly, there are morons in all professions. As age creeps up on you (well me in this example), you end up with a
1. If in doubt do it yourself ethos
2. a once bitten twice shy ethic
But the good people suffer as a result. In fact, its just like an SM, there are givers, and takers. And some of the takers shouldnt be allowed to get away with it.
You're right, its very sad.
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Post by nolongerlonely on Jun 16, 2017 6:14:02 GMT -5
Todays update.
Can we try again ? No, we tried that 3 years ago and nothing happened, I explained in the kindest possible way that our relationship has been like siblings for at least 10 years, definitely the last 3, since the last promise of change. I just dont have the attraction any more. I felt like a horrible, harsh person saying those words, but they are the truth.
Can we be friends ? Of course, I'd hate us not to be.
And I've formally moved into the spare room.
More discussions to come I'm sure. A rollercoaster of emotions, many tears (both of us). And a hug. But I must not weaken in my resolve. I did that last time and regretted it only a week later, sent myself into a depressive spin. Cant repeat. Feel awful though.
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Post by nolongerlonely on Jun 16, 2017 6:20:58 GMT -5
Oh, and she had to agree we are like siblings. I'd hate for her to be as lonely as I have been, even if she caused it all.
I think there maybe more updates as the weekend progresses. I'm already worn out. And need water to replace all the stuff that has fallen out of my face. But I know in my heart, this is the right thing to do.
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Post by nancyb on Jun 16, 2017 6:23:37 GMT -5
Lonely: Thankyou for sharing your journey. I takes a ton of courage to speak your truth. Keep strong and remember the reasons you have come to this point. Best of luck.
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