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Post by tamara68 on Jun 16, 2017 6:53:47 GMT -5
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Post by nolongerlonely on Jun 16, 2017 7:26:01 GMT -5
thank you nancyb, it wouldnt be possible without the support here, I think I would have crumbled already.You're very own journey helped me too (wishing you the best of luck as well !). I'm quite proud of myself that I told the truth earlier, not feeling attraction any more I mean, so no point in trying again. The latest comment, is I should register on some dating sites and get out there. I'm going to ignore that idea, seemed at best weird.
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Post by nolongerlonely on Jun 16, 2017 7:26:56 GMT -5
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Post by beachguy on Jun 16, 2017 14:32:28 GMT -5
Stay strong, Bro.
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Post by nolongerlonely on Jun 17, 2017 8:41:44 GMT -5
thanks beachguy :-) Todays update. I had a night of 'zipcode therapy' with daughter last night. Was very nice to be able to talk to her about everything and resolve any of her concerns. She knew I had been unhappy for some time. She also knew about the SM, and was unhappy about it, towards the 'Stbx' (my god, never thought I'd be using that term with regard to me, felt I was living in Alcatraz) It all felt good. so far so good
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Post by nolongerlonely on Jun 17, 2017 9:42:59 GMT -5
On return, having exchanged a few messages last night, was worried we would be returning to the beginning of the whole deal. Thats how the arguments have always been in the past, a revolving experience, reliving everything a million times until I am brow-beaten into doing whats required. Wasnt really looking forward to coming back as a result. But I was wrong. So far positive vibes, acceptance towards selling and dividing, staying as friends for the benefit of the family. Its all looking alot better than I had ever imagined it would. Sometimes being a pessimist really doesnt help !!
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Post by nolongerlonely on Jul 3, 2017 8:09:39 GMT -5
Hi everyone I havent been very active this past week, on here I mean. Thought I would check in and update on my exit strategy. I've been in my separate bedroom for over 2 weeks now. The marriage has apparently become a friendship. Somewhat strange to deal with for me, as my highly confrontational, controlling and aggressive stbx has been more than civil for the past 2 weeks. I've been waiting for the lid to blow off. It came close over the weekend, following my decision to consider living in a different part of the country, post division of assets. Apparently she should be controlling that too. Well I had to remind her, that I was the one forced to live here over threat of divorce 15 years ago. With a young family back then, I felt I had no choice in terms of their stability. On reflection, I should have done all this back then, things would have been far less intwined. I had to remind her, that all I would be doing, is 'going home'. Seems all she is interested in is whether daughter is coming with me or staying with her. At the age of 24, I think she should be given that choice. And seems I am the choice. Hence the aggression I guess. Its all intolerable, I want out so bad I could scream. Being the start of another week, I'm not at my best today, really just want to get in my car and vanish, forever. So here I am, venting off. I'm not giving up, far from it. I can see this bright light at the end of the tunnel, and I have felt happier in the last 17 days than I have for as long as I can remember. Thats in part, due to being here, and finding the strength to do what I should have done, ages ago. Its also in part for receiving support from one of the nicest human beings I have ever come across. I'm carrying on, just needed to vent my frustrations on here. Sorry !
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 3, 2017 8:51:41 GMT -5
Hi everyone I havent been very active this past week, on here I mean. Thought I would check in and update on my exit strategy. I've been in my separate bedroom for over 2 weeks now. The marriage has apparently become a friendship. Somewhat strange to deal with for me, as my highly confrontational, controlling and aggressive stbx has been more than civil for the past 2 weeks. I've been waiting for the lid to blow off. It came close over the weekend, following my decision to consider living in a different part of the country, post division of assets. Apparently she should be controlling that too. Well I had to remind her, that I was the one forced to live here over threat of divorce 15 years ago. With a young family back then, I felt I had no choice in terms of their stability. On reflection, I should have done all this back then, things would have been far less intwined. I had to remind her, that all I would be doing, is 'going home'. Seems all she is interested in is whether daughter is coming with me or staying with her. At the age of 24, I think she should be given that choice. And seems I am the choice. Hence the aggression I guess. Its all intolerable, I want out so bad I could scream. Being the start of another week, I'm not at my best today, really just want to get in my car and vanish, forever. So here I am, venting off. I'm not giving up, far from it. I can see this bright light at the end of the tunnel, and I have felt happier in the last 17 days than I have for as long as I can remember. Thats in part, due to being here, and finding the strength to do what I should have done, ages ago. Its also in part for receiving support from one of the nicest human beings I have ever come across. I'm carrying on, just needed to vent my frustrations on here. Sorry ! You are on the right track now and everything will fall into place. I'm glad you are finding peace and happiness.
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Post by WindSister on Jul 3, 2017 10:52:39 GMT -5
Hi everyone I havent been very active this past week, on here I mean. Thought I would check in and update on my exit strategy. I've been in my separate bedroom for over 2 weeks now. The marriage has apparently become a friendship. Somewhat strange to deal with for me, as my highly confrontational, controlling and aggressive stbx has been more than civil for the past 2 weeks. I've been waiting for the lid to blow off. It came close over the weekend, following my decision to consider living in a different part of the country, post division of assets. Apparently she should be controlling that too. Well I had to remind her, that I was the one forced to live here over threat of divorce 15 years ago. With a young family back then, I felt I had no choice in terms of their stability. On reflection, I should have done all this back then, things would have been far less intwined. I had to remind her, that all I would be doing, is 'going home'. Seems all she is interested in is whether daughter is coming with me or staying with her. At the age of 24, I think she should be given that choice. And seems I am the choice. Hence the aggression I guess. Its all intolerable, I want out so bad I could scream. Being the start of another week, I'm not at my best today, really just want to get in my car and vanish, forever. So here I am, venting off. I'm not giving up, far from it. I can see this bright light at the end of the tunnel, and I have felt happier in the last 17 days than I have for as long as I can remember. Thats in part, due to being here, and finding the strength to do what I should have done, ages ago. Its also in part for receiving support from one of the nicest human beings I have ever come across. I'm carrying on, just needed to vent my frustrations on here. Sorry ! Vent away, it's why this forum exists. I am glad you see the bright light through the darkness. THere are good days and bad days, but ultimately, yes, you are taking control of your life again. Glad you found good support, too - we all need that! Good luck to you!!! Onward and upward!!
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Post by nolongerlonely on Jul 11, 2017 6:26:30 GMT -5
Hi everyone I've been pretty silent again for the past week sorry. Want to contribute to the forum as its the place that got my head in order with everything and pushed me forward. So here's a weekly update. My head is in a great place, looking towards the future anyway. I was so scared of doing this for so long, pathetic really, but there we go. Now I've got it started, I do feel an enormous weight has been lifted, despite the vast amount of potential work, upset, and no doubt further disagreement that may follow. I've taken shamwow 's advice, and booked myself a lawyers appointment. I've spent nearly a whole morning writing a report for the lawyer to understand the history, the behaviour, the assets and some questions. I've researched divorce here in my home of England. In fact you dont require a lawyer, but chances are you might need one. Here's the funny bit. A plethora of companies online offering divorce info packs for around £40~£90. But what it actually comes down to, is filling in a form. And thats downloadable from our fine government website. And there's a fee for our green and pleasant land to process the application. How much would you think ? This makes me chuckle in a sarcastic manner actually. Because as everyone knows, England is broke, financially I mean. I think it cost about £100 to get married all those years ago. So our government want £550 for the divorce. No prisoners there. Mind you, were it that easy, I'd pay double. Lol. (they pen pushers in whitehall might be missing out on a fast track option there).So its all a question of how to present the form, to the stbx I mean. Maybe on a silver plate. Lol. No, I'll talk to the solicitor about that when I meet later this week. And if I dont like what I see, I'll consult with another, as the net produced three viable results for the geography in question. I shouldnt be in a hurry should I ? But I just want to get out of here. I've got valuations booked for the home. I've even started putting stuff I dont need on ebay, well theres a fair bit of it. This all seems like ascending Everest would be an easier task at times, so when I get a wobble on, I'll be back here soon enough. Lucky you !! And I promise to contribute here again more often when the path looks a bit more clear. And maybe I will have helpful reflections. I was one of those one-timers you see, I thought this thing I got into all those years ago was for life. I was ashamed of my unhappiness for a long while. But I've had all of that washed out of me with all the aggression, mind games, and of course refusal. It does seem odd being the one doing all the pushing though, after all, I'm usually the one in receipt of the threats rather than the person delivering the reality. And weekends. How I used to hate them, trying to occupy my mind and stay busy. They are worse than ever at present, I want to be out of here. So thats one of my many questions, if I can start again while this process is ongoing. Probably not I suspect will be the reply. But its worth a try. Thanks for reading my drivel. Hope you are all doing OK, this community is quite the best one I have ever come across. I still want to wear ILIASM t-shirts. Maybe one day it will have 'I used to be' in front of the logo
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Post by shamwow on Jul 11, 2017 8:23:51 GMT -5
Hi everyone I've been pretty silent again for the past week sorry. Want to contribute to the forum as its the place that got my head in order with everything and pushed me forward. So here's a weekly update. My head is in a great place, looking towards the future anyway. I was so scared of doing this for so long, pathetic really, but there we go. Now I've got it started, I do feel an enormous weight has been lifted, despite the vast amount of potential work, upset, and no doubt further disagreement that may follow. I've taken shamwow 's advice, and booked myself a lawyers appointment. I've spent nearly a whole morning writing a report for the lawyer to understand the history, the behaviour, the assets and some questions. I've researched divorce here in my home of England. In fact you dont require a lawyer, but chances are you might need one. Here's the funny bit. A plethora of companies online offering divorce info packs for around £40~£90. But what it actually comes down to, is filling in a form. And thats downloadable from our fine government website. And there's a fee for our green and pleasant land to process the application. How much would you think ? This makes me chuckle in a sarcastic manner actually. Because as everyone knows, England is broke, financially I mean. I think it cost about £100 to get married all those years ago. So our government want £550 for the divorce. No prisoners there. Mind you, were it that easy, I'd pay double. Lol. (they pen pushers in whitehall might be missing out on a fast track option there).So its all a question of how to present the form, to the stbx I mean. Maybe on a silver plate. Lol. No, I'll talk to the solicitor about that when I meet later this week. And if I dont like what I see, I'll consult with another, as the net produced three viable results for the geography in question. I shouldnt be in a hurry should I ? But I just want to get out of here. I've got valuations booked for the home. I've even started putting stuff I dont need on ebay, well theres a fair bit of it. This all seems like ascending Everest would be an easier task at times, so when I get a wobble on, I'll be back here soon enough. Lucky you !! And I promise to contribute here again more often when the path looks a bit more clear. And maybe I will have helpful reflections. I was one of those one-timers you see, I thought this thing I got into all those years ago was for life. I was ashamed of my unhappiness for a long while. But I've had all of that washed out of me with all the aggression, mind games, and of course refusal. It does seem odd being the one doing all the pushing though, after all, I'm usually the one in receipt of the threats rather than the person delivering the reality. And weekends. How I used to hate them, trying to occupy my mind and stay busy. They are worse than ever at present, I want to be out of here. So thats one of my many questions, if I can start again while this process is ongoing. Probably not I suspect will be the reply. But its worth a try. Thanks for reading my drivel. Hope you are all doing OK, this community is quite the best one I have ever come across. I still want to wear ILIASM t-shirts. Maybe one day it will have 'I used to be' in front of the logo I'm glad to hear you've got the ball rolling. You will be shocked at how slow things go and how quickly they accelerate into high gear...then slow down again...then speed up. Hurry up and wait. Write when you can, it's good to hear how your story is progressing!
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Post by nolongerlonely on Jul 20, 2017 4:14:21 GMT -5
Hello everyone time for my weekly update (arent you all so lucky to read my ongoing escape plans) Last week's solicitors appointment was a waste of time. Not completely useless, I'll explain. I had already performed much on-line research on the subject and with the helpful advice and support here (as always) I was kind of prepared for the meeting and what the direction would be. So I prepared a written background summary of my married life, and a few 'financials' from beforehand and during. It was only 3 pages, I tried to keep it informative rather than a rambling life story. I invited the solicitor to read it prior to our meeting. And I invited her to charge me for the meeting instead of having a 'free half an hour'. I was told that to read it, and reply to it, would be a minimum 3 hours work, and cost around £700 ($1000 approx). I decided, perhaps I had chosen the wrong solicitor ! So, I went back to my google results for best divorce lawyer in the area, and rang the second one of the three listed. This time, instead of dealing with a PA, and no phone contact, I was put straight through to a practice partner who proceeded to speak to me for about 40 minutes with actual advice. And still invited me for the half an hour free appointment. What a change !! I was told to perhaps consider a 'mediation' approach prior to instructing a solicitor. So I politely thanked the lawyer, said I would be in touch if things got nasty. Lets be honest here, they probably will, but I might as well do as much of the groundwork as possible. After all, I've let my professional activity slide into oblivion over the last 10 years over the SM shithole so I've got the time. So, cancelled the meeting with the other one. And onto mediators. I found two in my area. The third one listed, are actually solicitors, and known to me as useless anyway so I gave them a wide swerve. Well, mediation seems like a very sweet and friendly hand holding experience in exchange for cash. (I'm a cynic I know sorry). Apparently, I get to spend a couple of hundred pounds to have a meeting in order to see if mediation is the suitable route. Both partners are interviewed independently of each other. If they are suitable for the exercise, by which I read into that 'amenable' to an amicable settlement, then the mediation process begins. And we all work towards producing a document for the court known as a separation agreement. And of course pay for it all along the way. This seems all a bit risky to me, because of either party disagree, or change the terms, then its back to the drawing board for more mediation, and of course more expense. So, I sort of decided, mediation isnt my bag. Back to the do-it-yourself system for now. So, I've downloaded the d8 divorce form, and presented a copy of it to the stbx. I need her to find me the marriage certificate. Bit of heel dragging going on there, nothing like extending the power of control is there. Well, I can apply for a copy for £11 if all fails. Really wanted to get it into the post by tomorrow though, to get this sucker rolling. (thats a quote from my favourite film). Apparently, she isnt greedy, but is prepared to accept an amount that is somewhere north of a million dollars to go. Sounds like a bargain to me, except I havent got it. So I've asked the bank if they would like to consider a loan. Maybe crazy, but freedom really does have a price after all. And I cant wait !!! However, something tells me the answer will be no. So I've some estate agents (realtors) coming to value next week. This is all very much a stress exercise. My personal roller coaster. Honestly, should have done this years ago, but all the brow-beating, control, rejection and so on, over 28 years, drove me to the confidence ridden place I had ended up in before I found this site, and all you wonderful people who have given me the strength to have a go at making my life into a happy one. Despite all of this, I'm smiling. The stbx just hasnt worked out yet, that escape has been my goal for years. But like a prisoner on Alcatraz, those currents are pretty strong, and the water is cold. But I can see paradise in my sights. Thanks guys, sorry I havent been contributing to the forum, I promise I will when I get a bit further on. In fact, in the future, I'm definitely attending one of the ILIASM get togethers. I'm the guy with the 'used to be in an SM' shirt. There's more to come I'm sure....................
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Post by baza on Jul 20, 2017 5:59:17 GMT -5
I think your "separation agreement" is called a "binding financial agreement" in my jurisdiction Brother nolongerlonely . My deal was handled in this way, and that worked out ok. But, it had to wait for a while after I left, until things had calmed down enough for us to 'sensibly' discuss and agree on how to split up the assets. It took a few months for the heat to die down enough for this purpose. Your missus 'might' yet see the wisdom in this collaborative split of the marital assets, maybe. I drafted an agreement which I thought was fair, she wanted a couple of revisions on parts of it (they were sensible points) which I conceded, and made a couple of minor revisions myself which she accepted. It was pretty straight forward. My lawyer then wrote it up in legalise (after getting me to sign a waiver (as she believed I could have got more than I was asking for). My missus lawyer then reviewed it, then we all signed off on it. My legal costs were just short of AU$2,000, my missus were about AU$800. There were a few grands worth of stamp duty / transfer fees and suchlike involved as well. We never went anywhere near a court and/or judge. A couple of years later we applied for a divorce which was a rubber stamp job and cost (as near as I recall) about AU$250. I wish you well on the next stage of your process Brother.
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Post by WindSister on Jul 20, 2017 10:37:32 GMT -5
But like a prisoner on Alcatraz, those currents are pretty strong, and the water is cold. But I can see paradise in my sights. Thanks guys, sorry I havent been contributing to the forum, I promise I will when I get a bit further on. In fact, in the future, I'm definitely attending one of the ILIASM get togethers. I'm the guy with the 'used to be in an SM' shirt. There's more to come I'm sure.................... Glad to hear that bit of optimism! As hard as it all is, there is NO DENYING when we finally come clean, speak our truth and get moving, life feels more alive to us. Sadness and doubt will ebb and flow, but what runs stronger is empowerment and freedom leading you to living a more authentic life for yourself. Press on. Good thoughts for you....
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Post by nolongerlonely on Jul 21, 2017 3:15:59 GMT -5
Thanks baza and WindSister, it certainly has been a very positive time for me, these last few weeks. Being actually scared of my stbx, because of her violent mood swings and bullying tactics, I've been surprised, almost un-nerved, by the calmness my decision to push on with this has been met with. But I've no doubt I'm doing the right thing, in fact keep having 'flashbacks' to 5, 10, 15 and very sadly even over 20 years ago when I knew I was in a relationship which for me, didnt work. I stayed for my little girl, but also from fear of the unknown, and in latter years, after so much brow-beating and confidence destruction, a complete lack of faith in myself. Its really, honestly through the support of this forum and the people on it that has empowered me to sort myself out. And baza, you are right. I also found a 'memorandum of understanding' which seems to be the basis of the mediator's method of getting to the 'binding financial agreement'. I'd forgotten the terminology when I was furiously typing on here yesterday. So, a further update. I've filled in and sent the D8 divorce form this morning together with the payment and a supplementary copy (woe betide our fine system to use a photocopier when dealing with such a small fee !!). Its already in the post together with the marriage certificate. So, subject to having filled in the form correctly, I am feeling a bit more free. Bit of a sleepless night worrying about what the hell I am going to do with all my stuff when this place sells, but I'll get there. In fact, I'm going to give myself half an hour off and see what all you lovely people have been up to while I've been gone.........
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