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Post by novembercomingfire on Jul 21, 2017 8:01:11 GMT -5
Congratulations. I share with you what I would like to hear myself: there is a new and better life for you on the other side of this. You are going to be OK.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jul 23, 2017 2:57:50 GMT -5
nolongerlonely is fantastic to see how far you have come! I'm loving this post. I can almost smell the freedom! You are doing bloody brilliantly. Keep the momentum going man.... xxx
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Post by tamara68 on Jul 23, 2017 4:12:52 GMT -5
nolongerlonely, try not to worry too much, every step is one step closer to freedom. And all the things like what to do with your stuff, will get settled some how. One thing at the time. I am very glad for you that you will get out soon!
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Post by nolongerlonely on Jul 24, 2017 4:18:01 GMT -5
thanks guys, really nice of you, your support really helps alot. The weekends for me are definitely the worst. For years I absorbed myself in work, and then weekends were time for the family. These days, daughter has a great career, and work, well I've let it slide due to my complete personal regression since coming to the conclusion several years ago that I had failed to be attractive or desired. (all words put into my head by the stbx). So almost 10 years ago, I grabbed hold of a hobby from my teenage years. Never completely put it down, but just distanced myself from it you could say. Grabbed it with both hands and thought it would help me find new friends and maybe an escape of some kind. And I've loved it. Was told by the stbx that I would 'look ridiculous', 'not have the nerve', and lots of other put downs. But I ignored her probably for the first time in years. And went back to it. Quite good at it actually. So what happened ? She came along and gradually asserted control. Last couple of years its not been so much fun, so whereas my weekends were filled with prep for the next outing, I've lost my mojo. Refuse to give it up though, its just a temporary set back, I'm sure my future will involve a wonderful lady coming to have fun with me. We'll have such fun.It wont be such an obsession, just something to enjoy as and when we want to. But for now, the weekends are awful. Hopefully when the divorce is official, well the paperwork all agreed and the 'decree nicae' (cant spell it) comes, I can start doing my own thing at the weekends, just clear off. Hope I filled in the form correctly, its a waiting game now. See what the property people say later this week....... I thought selling this place would be a really tearful milestone, it was the dream property, but I knew on day one I was sharing it with the wrong person. I cant wait to escape now, although perhaps a lottery ticket could fix it.........At the end of the day though, its worth far less than the chance of happiness. Anyway, thank you ! More updates soon
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Post by nolongerlonely on Aug 2, 2017 10:25:42 GMT -5
Hello everyone
Its weekly update time. I havent been on here much over the last week, sorry. Its all been a bit of a rollercoaster. Trying to get the realtors arranged (estate agents) and sell the place. That took care of two days last week. And then lots of time considering where to go in the future. Like I said on one of my many rambling earlier posts, finding a happy home to live in even if a fraction of the size and value of the one I have been a slave to for over a decade, has to be so much better than the horribly unhappy life I have been living all this time. I really cant believe I have had the strength to do all this, I'm truly amazed.(all thanks to you guys by the way). I've had a few ups and downs emotionally, but mostly I've been very positive as feel I am actually getting my life in some kind of order. Last week, no sign of any acknowledgement from the divorce centre and the money not taken out of my account for the fee. That made me feel a bit useless as nothing seemed to be happening, and then yesterday the postman brings the stbx the divorce petition. And the money disappeared from the bank. So I filled in the papers correctly, yippee ! The stbx reluctantly filled in the petition, and it went back in the post last night. So I'm another step closer to the decree nisi, never thought I'd get there. I wonder how long that will take.
Theres an angry undercurrent from my stbx but she is trying to be nice. That feels peculiar after years of aggression. I'm waiting for the lid to blow off, but instead of being in a nervous state all the time like the one I have been in for 20-or so years, now I have reached the 'couldnt give a monkeys anymore stage'.
Funny actually, she told me a few weeks ago when I shook hands with an old customer who had wronged me big time about 10 years ago and finally decided to apologise. When I shook his hand, she (the stbx) told me afterwards she would personally not 'forgive so easily'. Its been in the back of my mind that comment, because she has done and said so many horrible things to me over the years, its quite amazing I even speak to her at all. I'll let it ride for now, if it can stay amicable then thats a bonus. I have my doubts though, time will surely tell.
More next week ! I'll try to have a look at the forum properly in the next few days and support you all as I should
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Post by baza on Aug 3, 2017 18:47:20 GMT -5
I must say that watching this emergence of the authentic Brother nolongerlonely has been - and is - really uplifting. The quiet, pragmatic way you have been - and are - relentlessly ploughing your way through the process is inspirational. And the odd humorous asides that come up in your story now and again attest to the fact that you are keeping your cool and balance. And these weekly updates are going to provide excellent reference material for those following you Brother nolongerlonely . |
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Post by nolongerlonely on Aug 9, 2017 3:58:39 GMT -5
Hello everyone thanks so much for all your lovely comments, its really an enormous boost. Truly couldnt have done any of this without this place. And finding true love too, as reported in my other post a few days ago. Well life has certainly taken an enormous change for me over the past 5 months. I just hope I dont get struck by lightning or run over by a bus as I cant wait to begin my new life hand in hand with someone I completely adore. 'The future is so bright i've gotta wear shades' being a fairly accurate analysis, posted that as a song-link a few months ago. Oh, I've just thought of another one of those, will pop onto the daily song thread in a minute and add it....... Ok, updates for the week. Not so many this time around. Its all been a bit sluggish and frustrating. No news from the divorce people at the court, although according to the net, that could take a couple of weeks from returning the petition. And I used a second class stamp, retrospectively that was an error, should have gone to the post office for a 1st class one rather than using one I had on the desk. As frustration was setting in a bit, I consulted the internet to establish the next step. Appears that I will have to apply for the decree nisi, after the acknowledgement is returned from the court. There I was thinking the £550 would cover that, but oh no, it seems its another downloadable application form and a fee of £50. Very generous of her majesty's government, if it had been another 'monkey' (cockney ryhming slang) I am sure it would have been gladly paid ! So I'm anxiously looking every day at the post box, but nothing has appeared as yet. Meanwhile, the stbx is busily trying to control the rest of the family instead. But I'm very pleased to say, its like trying to herd cats, and she isnt doing so good. I am trying to continue being a good dad as I think and hope I have been for the last couple of decades, and refuse to be drawn into her web of unpleasantness. Apart from that, I'm quite desperate to start my new life. Poverty stricken or not, I will still be one of the richest people around, because I will be sharing it all with merrygoroundI'll write again soon |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Aug 9, 2017 8:55:47 GMT -5
Good update. Continue to refuse being drawn into her web of unpleasantness. I like that phrase tremendously.
Good luck through whatever all the next steps turn out to be.
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Post by Caris on Aug 11, 2017 14:35:42 GMT -5
thanks shamwow, thats great advice and I'm grateful too for all the help I've had, reading some of your posts for example. I realised everything was 'wrong' about 20 years ago, but I decided I wasnt going to disturb the family we had created together. It seemed far too selfish of me, and I think back then, I had read various articles about sexual desire returning some time later, so clung onto that. Answering the question, no - no minors. Now post university and working. Although at home. Actually present for last night's 'discussion' and knew about the SM anyway. Didnt agree with it either, so nice to feel I have some support within the 4 walls. Slightly embarassing to have the talk with the kids too, but wife wasnt taking no for an answer when I suggested postponing the talk for today. I havent talked to an attorney. We've agreed for the time being not to. She is, in my opinion, entitled to far less than half, but I am happy to divide it 50/50. I'd really rather stay amicable if its an option. 29 years is a long time, I'd hate to draw a line through it over money. If it gets to that, then very sadly I will take advice, but I have to be honest, I've an allergy to the legal world. Most of it is either common sense, or by the time it gets to the courtroom, like being on stage. I'll employ Brad Pitt to act on my behalf if we get to that, lol. And we are already more or less in separate rooms. But thats been formalised this morning. We are living as friends/siblings, until its all sorted out. I've selected my room, although wasnt concerned which one. I'm quite mindful of the mind games though. I need to keep my resolve. But I believe I will. If only because of what you guys have all taught me, that there is a better life. I promise to keep you all informed. This place has become a haven for lost souls like me. I'm going nowhere ! Please be careful. My husband also agreed that we would go see a lawyer together, to save money, but he went behind my back and filed for divorce using a paralegal for himself. I found out 2-days before I was served. Just another deception of many. As heartless as it sounds (and I'm like you, always considering the needs of the other person), you have to be a bit more mercenary in prioritizing your own needs and wellbeing. It's hard for us "agreeable" types, but I've had to learn the hard way that people will walk all over us, if we don't. |
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Post by nolongerlonely on Aug 11, 2017 16:42:45 GMT -5
Thank you so much Caris I'm really aware about treading on eggshells it's a daily experience and I totally agree with what you wrote. But I'm fairly well screwed whatever I do. There's every chance she has something legal up her sleeve but I'm in the most ridiculous position - I'm asset rich and horrendously cash poor - I let myself drift into that due to being completely depressed about my life and completely losing interest in work a few years ago to be honest it's only because I'm such a weak character that I'm even still here - that and not wanting to leave my daughter too as it seemed such a selfish thing to consider but believe me I was there hundreds of times in my mind. Anyway I'm running with it as it is - if she decides to screw me over more than already then I'm out of here and I'm going to run away with the love of my life. I'm only staying in a possibly futile attempt at keeping at least half of something I think should be more like 80% mine but I'll settle for far less. I've thrown away decades of life not believing I would ever find what I have in merrygoround so as the song says - if the going gets tough the tough get going (except I'm not particularly tough) But thank you for your lovely words |
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Post by Caris on Aug 11, 2017 16:47:47 GMT -5
Thank you so much Caris I'm really aware about treading on eggshells it's a daily experience and I totally agree with what you wrote. But I'm fairly well screwed whatever I do. There's every chance she has something legal up her sleeve but I'm in the most ridiculous position - I'm asset rich and horrendously cash poor - I let myself drift into that due to being completely depressed about my life and completely losing interest in work a few years ago to be honest it's only because I'm such a weak character that I'm even still here - that and not wanting to leave my daughter too as it seemed such a selfish thing to consider but believe me I was there hundreds of times in my mind. Anyway I'm running with it as it is - if she decides to screw me over more than already then I'm out of here and I'm going to run away with the love of my life. I'm only staying in a possibly futile attempt at keeping at least half of something I think should be more like 80% mine but I'll settle for far less. I've thrown away decades of life not believing I would ever find what I have in merrygoround so as the song says - if the going gets tough the tough get going (except I'm not particularly tough) But thank you for your lovely words I understand, and know where you are coming from. At least you have found love, and that is not just gold, that's the goldmine. My very best to you and merrygoround. |
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Post by nolongerlonely on Aug 15, 2017 10:22:11 GMT -5
Thanks Caris, you are totally right. I'd give up everything to be with her, I'm just about hanging in there here but its been extremely tough. Which brings me on to this weeks update. I'm a day early. Maybe I will be lucky and get to do two updates, will have to see. The stbx got her petition back as she hadnt completed it correctly, so it went back a second time last Thursday. That was an extremely frustrating day, losing nearly 2 weeks. I'm desperately hoping I might get the acknowledgement back this week for the next stage, which appears to be the application for the decree nisi. I've done my online research for that, its two more government forms and looks like only another fee if she decided to defend the divorce (which she isnt). I've filled them in ready to send, but cant do it without enclosing a copy of the completed reply to the petition. According to what I've read, it could take 29 days after that to be decided upon for the nisi, and they can actually turn it down, theres a scary prospect. I had a dreadful weekend enduring the stbx while trying to catch up on jobs around the home in prep for any viewings from the realtor, although that could still be a few weeks away. Yesterday things got so bad I think I was actually suffering anxiety. The stbx is still trying to control and keep tabs on what I am doing and then gets angry as a result when I fail to conform. She tells people she chooses about the divorce but I am expected to be silent. I've ignored that and told the majority of my close friends, and a few others not so close. I'm proud of my achievement, should have done this years ago, she appears to be treating it as a top secret. Not quite sure how that will work at the end, but hopefully I will be long gone so it wont be my problem. I've never had anxiety before, well I dont think I have. Endured loads of stress at work over the years, but this was completely different, felt like my head was going to explode. Tried going to bed early and that didnt help a bit. Although today has slowly improved, I've achieved a few more things towards the eventual escape. It cant come soon enough. I've wasted so many years, cant wait to wake up in the morning next to someone that actually wants me. Its the dream I never thought I would find, ever since being a soppy 13 year old wishing I had a girlfriend. Saying I'm lucky is the understatement of the millenium. I'm still soppy though, and behaving like a teenager. Must be all those lost years. |
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Post by flyingsolo on Aug 15, 2017 20:38:08 GMT -5
Good luck. Sounds like things are rolling along.
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Post by nolongerlonely on Aug 16, 2017 10:24:00 GMT -5
A much better day today, her answers to the petition came back through the mailbox this morning. Yippee. I had my two forms pre-filled in on the computer, so printed them off, checked re-checked and triple checked them and sent them by courier for guaranteed delivery tomorrow. So I've applied for the decree nisi. Hope I filled it all in right, questions 5 and 6 of form D80b are a bit of a trial, the wording of q6 has a couple of double inferences, like some sort of deliberate trip hazard. Being a clumsy lump I dont need many trip hazards. Really hoping I did it right, if so, then in theory they will grant the nisi. Then its angle grinder time on the wedding ring finger. Because even though I've lost 25lbs in the last 6 months it still wont slip off. If it all comes back wrong, then I shall feel like I've fallen off the coaster. Time will tell. If, and only if I did it right, then apparently the earliest the absolute can be applied for is 6 weeks and 1 day after the nisi is pronounced at the court. Oh and I'll try and contribute more properly on the forum, have been a bit pre-occupied. I'm only this far ahead because of this place, its the least I can do. Thanks for all the support and likes everyone, its really nice to log on and see all the notifications. I feel like I'm in that plane next to yours flyingsolo its definitely buzzing the tower time (Top Gun, I love that scene, when the commander pours coffee all over himself 'I want butts' one of my favourite lines) |
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 16, 2017 11:13:22 GMT -5
Then its angle grinder time on the wedding ring finger. Because even though I've lost 25lbs in the last 6 months it still wont slip off. Congrats on your rapid progress and lack of resistance. And the weight loss! In the interest of preserving your digits... I suggest a) wire cutters, or if necessary b) cutoff wheel on a Dremel. Satisfying though an angle grinder might be, it would be sadly ironic if you got a permanent wedding ring scar in the process. |
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