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Post by nolongerlonely on Aug 23, 2017 4:34:41 GMT -5
Hello everyone, its weekly update time. Its not time for the Dremel yet DryCreek (sadly). As no update on the decree nisi as yet. Anxiety. I've never suffered it like I have since the last couple of weeks. The feeling of being stuck where I no longer want to be, is so intensely stifling at times, I really thought I was going to drop dead I felt so awful. But here I am, I've made all the efforts to escape which only a few short years ago I never believed I would have the courage to face. So, as my most wonderful and caring new partner has told me a couple of times, I'm doing well. But its actually hard to write about it even. I feel the frustrated feelings developing, nothing through the mail box, dont know if I did the paperwork right, and OMG, I only have to hear a few words from the stbx and I want to run out of the room. But I need to maintain the status quo. So I have marched a bit further ahead and arranged the start of the consent order. Apparently that has to be produced by someone more legally qualified than I. So its all been ordered and i spent a fair bit of time attempting to ring fence my side of everything. If it all gets drafted and agreed, then with luck the nisi will be pronounced, and I can make a start on making my new life official to everyone. And maybe even starting it. Wouldnt that be a dream come true. I'm so proud of her, not to mention in love with her, I cant wait for our lives to begin. I now know what it must be like to be a convicted prisoner who is in fact innocent, and waiting on parole. You can see that light at the end of the tunnel, and the doors are almost open, but you cant run through them yet. I must be patient. So once again guys, this forum, and merrygoround I would never be the happy person I now am if I hadnt found you. My official pardon is on the horizon ! More soon.............. |
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Post by nolongerlonely on Aug 30, 2017 8:26:55 GMT -5
Another week has gone by. Not much to report this time around. Anxiety levels got high a couple of times, but my wonderful partner calmed me down so I've managed to keep it all together, although the desire to get in the car and never come back has been quite high on several occasions.
I rang the divorce centre last Thursday to see if there was any progress on the decree nisi. After being hung up on twice (on answering, maybe they thought I was a breather,lol) I spoke to a very helpful person who dug my application from the pile of 2-300 she told me are received every day. I explained my worry over q.6 form D80b, and she had a look. She agreed with my answer, then went to consult advice from a colleague, and no, I'd done it wrong. The question is a nightmare, its a deliberate trip hazard I swear. So after moments of extra anxiety, she explained I could email a correction. I did that within about 10 minutes, phoned to see if it was received, and it was. Maybe I'll get a notification and a nisi date soon. Hope so. Every day I look at the postbox in anticipation.
Meanwhile, the consent order arrived. Lots of comments from the stbx over that, but she reluctantly agreed to complete it, and I couriered it back. The legal people are ready to submit it at the moment I have a date for the nisi - 6 weeks and 1 day later according to the 'law'. Dont you just love the UK legal system.
And then theres the ongoing sale of the home, the agents are going far too slow but then I'm impatient.Its all torture. I especially dislike the weekends. Just hoping to be looking back on all this one day and hopefully helping others going through the same pain. The stbx has been displaying signs of anger and short-temper several times, but I've discovered the perfect coping mechanism, just walk off somewhere. Daily life isnt great though. But I suppose over the years, I've endured worse. Daughter told me I look much happier than I used to be. Well, there are a variety of reasons for that.
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Post by dinnaken on Aug 31, 2017 4:32:46 GMT -5
I'm glad to hear that you're making good progress and I sympathise with you over the anxiety - even if things go well, I think it's very difficult to deal with.
I hope your house sale goes through quickly but brace yourself for delays, my case was typical for the UK and it took six and a half months.
Hang on in there
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Post by nolongerlonely on Aug 31, 2017 10:28:13 GMT -5
Thanks dinnaken, I know exactly what you mean, the ponderous system drives me insane.Small doses of aggression from the stbx do absolutely nothing to help that situation. I've found there arent too many triggers needed to start off the anxious feelings. Although good news this morning, I decided to call the divorce centre and try to get an update. I was really apprehensive, didnt want to hear it had been rejected I suppose. So I called just before lunch. The phone rang endlessly, and finally a voice. I quoted my case number, and was told my (do it yourself) application for decree nisi was approved 2 days ago. I was and still am, delighted. I asked what date it would be pronounced, but was told I would be notified in the post about that, possibly next week. Although from what I have read online, there maybe a wait for that actual process,presumably it might still be in September. I really hope so. Meanwhile, the realtors (estate agents) arent exactly progressing at light speed. I have been on their case, and evidently marketing could start at the end of next week when they have the details printed. I hope so. But finding a buyer maybe an entirely different story. Anyway, thanks very much, as I've said before, without the support found here,(and one especially wonderful person) I would never be where I am. |
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Post by nolongerlonely on Sept 12, 2017 6:31:07 GMT -5
Hello all
A quick update. I didnt post last week, there wasnt anything to tell very sadly. Anxious days of waiting and some foul words from the stbx last week (I walked off) have been rewarded with acceptance from the divorce centre, and in yesterdays post, the divorce is acknowledged as 'irretrievably broken down' and its been accepted that 'the facts proved the respondents unreasonable behaviour' That felt really good. (the stbx is the respondent). Oh, and it will be official the day after tomorrow - the decree nisi. I've been thinking of dancing a jig, although may risk falling over and breaking my neck. So for now I will settle with feeling like I'm another step towards a happy life with someone I love. We've both been wronged by our x's, but would never have found each other werent we treated like we were, and found this wonderful forum. I really, honestly, cant wait to be together.
Apparently the consent order can be filed immediately after the decree nisi is pronounced, and if thats agreed, then that leaves the absolute on by my calculation, any time after Friday October 27th. Yayyyyyy, just one more form to go.
And liberal cream around the wedding ring and that came off too.
I cant promise I will be very active here for a few days, I've loads to sort out in order to keep the whole process going.
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Sept 25, 2017 23:57:25 GMT -5
Thoroughly enjoyed reading your story. Its a true testament on how things should be done. Its unfortunate that Refusers only realise when its all too late the damage they have done.
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Post by nolongerlonely on Oct 4, 2017 3:12:44 GMT -5
Thanks very much Frustrated1978 (and all of you enduring my regular ramblings) OK, some updates, I've been rather silent the last couple of weeks, its been a bit of a frustrating rollercoaster at times and I havent been too sure if I had anything productive to write. Maybe thats because I felt I was continually explaining the divorce process rather than helping or commenting on what the forum is all about, living in a sexless marriage. So here I am with my thoughts, and my news...... The stbx, has revealed her psychopathic side. In a discussion about 'who gets what', she laid claim to one of our family pets who she knows is very much loved by me. Well, he is hers, as she paid for him. But she doesnt have much to do with him nor any interest to do so. She explained at first, she would be taking him. I couldnt object. And then in a subsequent conversation announced that he is quite old and not in the best of health, so perhaps it would be fairer to have him 'put to sleep' when she goes. I found this beyond incredible, and an enormous argument followed. (he is old, but in great health for age, and enjoys a happy life with no complications).I said I would be happy to keep him, and look after him, whereupon she argued that if he stayed with me, she wouldnt be able to visit him. Stupidly and thoughtlessly, extremely upset and angry,I walked out of the house at that point rather than explaining that should he be no longer with us, she wouldnt be able to visit either. I did have the good sense to involve our (adult) daughter in this whole 'discussion' and she naturally sided with my thought process on the subject.Being outnumbered, subsequent references reveal the stbx has decided to take him with her, continuing her ever-lasting desire to control everything. It remains to be seen if her original intentions return, as I have learnt after all these years, that arguments with her are completely futile, because if she doesnt get what she wants, then another identical, often more vicious and unpleasant argument about the same thing, will repeat itself, often when least anticipated. Worse than indigestion. The divorce. Well, the decree nisi became official almost 3 weeks ago. Leaving the 'cooling off' period of 6 weeks and 1 day before it can no longer be contested by either party. I'm virtually counting the hours. I'm trying desperately to keep everything level so that she doesnt decide to derail the whole process. I've submitted the consent order (the legal contract stating what we have agreed in the division of everything), but apparently this has to be looked at by the judge and even if acceptable may take 4-6 weeks to be dealt with. According to the divorce court, that could happen next week. But of course only good news if they agree it. I'm worried that for some reason they wont, but cant do much about that now other than worry. It would be beyond wonderful if its accepted, and if done prior to the end of October, then would mean I could be officially single in early November, and make moves towards starting 'the rest of my life'. I've been making efforts to buy her out of the family home. But so far all the banks have said no. So it went on the market about a month ago. No sign of a buyer, would seem the realtors like a good fairy story (in order to get the instruction). In some ways this is incredibly frustrating, as it would cement the separation process perfectly. On the other hand, its good news, as it gives me the chance to explore other finance options. I've actually done quite well on that score in fact, although am still unsure about saddling myself with massive debt. The choice between that and having cardiac arrest over the stress of dealing with her on a daily basis does however seem rather attractive. If nothing else, I've learnt a couple of things. The first has been the strength of friendships. I've a couple of very old friends/couples who I confided in a few weeks into the divorce, revealing many of the truths regarding the last 28 years of my life, and how its realistically been a sexless marriage since about a month after marriage. The support from these friends has been quite humbling. That, combined with the true and deep love that I have found from meeting someone in the same situation as me, on this very forum, has really not only completely restored my faith, but also kept me going when at times the anxiety of it all has almost overwhelmed me. The second thing I've learnt, is that after all these years of doubt, whether this sort of thing is what all married couples endure, and that the fairytale we all dream about finding is just that, a pipe dream. Well, I'm very pleased to say I was right to have the doubt. My stbx is a psychopath. Thats at best. She has a temperament like Dr.Jekyll and Mr.Hyde. I've systematically modified my life over all the years to accomodate her daily changing requirements, and have learnt that even when they are met,often at personal and financial cost, there is still every chance of an argument erupting from nowhere,over some other requirement that I have overlooked. She is a bully, and a crazy one at that. It turned me into a nervous, depressed wreck, someone who lost all of his confidence in every way. I'm far from better, BUT I have found the fairytale. The one I dreamed of since I was about 11 years old, when I first wondered if I would find true love. Well, through the most unlikely of circumstances, thats exactly what I have found. And right here. merrygoround , you are the love of my life. The two of us have endured 20+years each of lies,deception and control, the only lie our respective x's and in my case stbx couldnt manage to hide, was their lack of physical desire for us. But because of who we both are, we blamed ourselves, tried to fix the relationship and even modify our ways of life in order to attract our deceiptful partners.Still to no avail. What we didnt realise, until we had made ourselves physically ill in the process, was they never wanted us in the first place. So to all of you guys and girls out there reading all my drivel, please dont doubt your feelings. Unless your SM is truly caused via a medical issue, then chances are, they dont want you. Oh, and terminology. I've recently learnt the meaning of another term often used on here. Starfish sex. I had that from about marriage year 8 until marriage year 18. I never knew what it meant when I read it here. There should be a 'glossary of terms' within the forum index to help people like me. So, the starfish sex , I didnt enjoy it, and hoped it would incite a resurrection of desire from her. At year 18, I stopped it,didnt enjoy it, never did, and thought I would wait and see if her desire returned. It didnt. 10 years later, after no interest whatsoever,control, abuse,realising I was no longer in love, no longer had any desire towards her, feeling completely depressed, lonely, and then discovering this forum, divorce finally became a reality. I've wasted alot of time. As they say, you cant fix stupid. |
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 4, 2017 7:21:13 GMT -5
^^^ ♡♡♡♡♡
...because a "like" or "thumbs up" just isn't enough at times.
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Post by workingonit on Oct 15, 2017 21:36:12 GMT -5
This is an awesome thread! Thank you so much for sharing your process. Very helpful. I am not there yet...
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Post by nolongerlonely on Oct 16, 2017 2:20:41 GMT -5
thanks guys, I cant believe I am here either, for years felt like I would never make it, living with someone friendly one moment and then incredibly aggressive the next is very hard, you are never quite prepared for it. I think I spent 20+ years trying to be a step ahead of that game, but whatever I did, it wasnt enough. And then of course there is the self blame, convincing yourself that its your fault, that you are un-attractive, fail to deliver whats needed from a relationship, and before you know where you are, confidence levels disappear, and then you are even less likely to do anything about the whole sorry situation. I'm still treading on egg-shells, keeping the peace until the day she can no longer contest the divorce, but not long now. And then I will be so close to freedom. Anxiety levels quite high over the past days, but I'm getting there.Plunging myself into debt in order to get her out of the house, theres alot going on, yet it seems much too slow, hence I think the anxiety. As I have said before, without this forum and the people on it, I would never have gotten as far as I have. Back in January/February, I really thought finding happiness would always be a dream. I'm very happy to say I was wrong
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Post by nolongerlonely on Nov 2, 2017 12:30:30 GMT -5
Hello everyone I've been extremely slack for the last couple of weeks, sorry, havent been on the forum at all. Its all been very stressful in 'nolongerlonelyworld'. I'll write with a more detailed update in the next days...... I noticed baza was mentioning the UK divorce system on another thread. No time to properly answer that one either right now, but suffice to say, its a joke. But I cant speak from vast experience, I have after all only done this the once. And its been a do-it-yourself job. The only help I got was over the 'consent order' - the legal contract drawn up over who gets what. Seems that really needs a professional to be involved, so I shelled out some money, and guess what, they got it wrong. It also takes forever, almost a month for a judge to cast his or her eye over it and agree it or disagree it. Apparently they like to make sure its fair. Not of course that they have the vaguest clue of the circumstances or background involved, and the biggest laugh of all, is to think a typical matrimonial dispute could take months of wrangling between solicitors fighting tooth and nail to get whats right for their client, and when its all finally nailed together in the contract, the judge might not agree it. I bet the legal eagles never mention that when they are relieving their clients £200 an hour +tax. So, as I write, the consent order is still being agreed, or not agreed, as the case maybe. Apparently a judge may have a look at it tomorrow. So, last Friday, was 6 weeks and 1 day after the decree nisi was pronounced. Our law states the marriage cant be dissolved until that time passes. And I was told on the phone, they might not allow it to be dissolved if the consent order hasnt been agreed, but I could write a letter explaining its been submitted when I send it in. So, last Friday, that was the day, 6 weeks and 1 day after the nisi. So I sent the request in for the absolute, with the covering letter. And today, what comes in the post ? Well, its final, the divorce is complete, the marriage is dissolved, and I'm free. I'm in shock, bloody hell. Lol. But the consent order is still pending.......does this mean it will be agreed ? Wishful thinking maybe. And I'm still living with the now ex-wife. How peculiar. Hateful in fact, waiting on a loan which is almost as slow as the divorce process. Maybe one of these days I will truly be free. But one thing is for sure, I am no longer in an SM, because the 'M' is no more. I'm rather happy about that. |
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Post by WindSister on Nov 2, 2017 15:24:57 GMT -5
Congrats on the finalization and moving on to the next chapter --- you are making strides as slow as it seems sometimes! To be TRULY free, moved out, will be a big day for you. Keep us posted and take care!
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Post by nolongerlonely on Nov 2, 2017 15:59:26 GMT -5
Almost forgot,,,, couldn't have done any of this without you guys and omg I met the love of my life on here too - it's been a roller-coaster but a good one after years and years of total unhappyness being demeaned by my now x on hundreds of occasions having my life reduced to a place where I literally couldn't imagine ever being happy and now to find myself in love with someone who wants me as much as I want her - I never imagined that would happen - she is my world - this whole experience has completely turned my life around - and she wants me omg I'm the luckiest guy on the planet and all due to the iliasm forum thank you!! And I love you mg xxx
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Post by M2G on Nov 24, 2017 11:02:17 GMT -5
That's great news - congratulations & I wish you and your new partner all the best of everything.
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Post by nolongerlonely on Dec 21, 2017 12:14:38 GMT -5
Hello everyone, I've been away ages, sorry. As I write today, I find myself in a place I honestly thought I would never reach. I suppose my SM started in about 1992. Interest levels from the now ex wife had dropped enormously since we were married in 1989. In fact we didnt consumate the marriage on the wedding day. That always seemed weird. By 1992, there was a definite disparity between my desire and hers. This only got worse. Alot worse. I have endured bullying, narcissism, criticism, gaslighting, darvo, but somehow I remained sane. Sarcasm helped. I didnt care much for outsourcing,I hated starfish sex, and later feared the onset of arthritis in my right hand. Just as well I'm ampidextrous. And after total and final rejection around 10 years ago, humiliated into the belief that I was a complete failure in bed, and totally unattractive to the female gender, I spiralled into a depressive, lonely and isolated world. I cried alot. Especially when watching romantic movies, and always at this time of year. I tried a variety of props, took up hobbies I used to do, engaged in work as much as I could. But it was all a miserable fail. And thats how I felt, a miserable failure.
I often reminisced about my late childhood, being an only one, and wishing I had a lovely girlfriend to love and cherish, and make love with too, spend the rest of my life with, have fun together, share lifes ups and downs. Laugh, cry and be there for each other forever. Call me a foolish romantic. I suppose in the end I thought it would never happen. And that maybe my marriage was the best to expect out of life. But in the end, everything in my world became increasingly pointless. I imagined not being alive, on many of those thousands of sleepless nights when I used to wake up, dreadfully tired, always at 3am. Why is it always 3am ? Even when in a different time zone !!
Anyway, that was me. I tried to drop subtle hints to friends about the awful prison of a life I had been confined to, but it turns out, my comments were too subtle, they had no idea. So one day, by pure coincidence, on one of those typical miserable days back in March this year, I stumble upon this forum. I read with interest, and then wanted desperately to express myself to the other members, to share all my shit so to speak, and join in. And I did. It felt great, because not only was I doing so with like-minded souls of both genders enduring similar issues, but also it was telling me that I was not the only person on the planet enduring a lifestyle like this.
And then, as time went by, day by day expressing my thoughts and commenting on those of others, I met this lady on here, and there was a little spark. I thought maybe I had imagined it. So I checked myself back, began chatting, exchanging views, thoughts, experiences, and we seemed so remarkably similar in so many ways. One day we spoke to each other via Skype. I made a mess of that, couldnt make it work properly, but got there in the end. And her voice was divine. We were living in different countries back then. We spoke or messaged daily. Usually many times. Without doubt, I fell in love via my love of her brain, and her voice. And then one day we met. That was a nervous experience. I worried she wouldnt care for me, and I would be that person the 'ex' said I was, clumsy, un-attractive and so on. But I wasnt missing this opportunity, not for anything. And it was the most wonderful day of my life. I met someone who wanted me, just as much as I wanted her.And she had endured all those similar put-downs from her ex as I had, but there before me stood this beautiful, sexy, articulate, gorgeous woman. The only awful part of that meeting, and all of the ones that followed, was saying goodbye. I hated them, I cried. Sometimes before we had left each other, couldnt hold back the tears. And I missed her so dreadfully the moment I lost sight of her. I dreamed of spending the rest of my life with her. I became so stressed at times over the on-going divorce with the ex, I honestly thought my heart would explode one day, and I would finally be cheated of the happiness I had dreamt of finding in all of those empty years without her. But here I am. And about 4 weeks ago, we moved in together. It was all quite a rush, for a whole variety of reasons. But I am the happiest man on the planet. Well one of them at any rate, there must be others like me, but I guess all of them were on this forum too, so we all know the feeling.
I'm writing all of this to say thanks, to all of you who helped me, and of course to the lady of my dreams, miss merrygoround. I love you with all my heart.
And to all of my friends on here, its a massive thank you. And a massive reminder to any of you who were just like me, believing you are stuck, cant get out, for whatever reason. Well, theres hope. And there's light at the end of the tunnel. I would never have found the light at the end of my tunnel without this forum, our paths may never have ever crossed.So my message to you all ? Merry Christmas,and thank you. I'll try to contribute every so often, said I would more often and then failed to be here even once in over a month ! Take care of yourselves, fellow Iliasm-ers, its Christmas-time, the loneliest day of the year for some of us. How can it be possible to be in a room full of people and still feel lonely ? Believe me, its easy, all you need is a partner you shouldnt be with, who doesnt want you. The rest is easy. I'm ever-so pleased to report that part of my life is behind me. As in one of the many songs of the day I have shared on here, the future is so bright, I gotta wear shades.
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