Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 31, 2017 14:56:10 GMT -5
If she is so wonderful, will she consider letting you fuck other women? Such eloquence, counselor....  Yes, I really pride myself on painting a picture with words! |
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Post by shamwow on May 31, 2017 14:58:39 GMT -5
Such eloquence, counselor.... Yes, I really pride myself on painting a picture with words! I can only imagine what your closing arguments are like... |
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Post by njsojourner on Jun 2, 2017 21:38:39 GMT -5
oddly, last year at one point she started to say she was considering "giving me permission" and then she stopped talking and didn't finish the sentence. I should have pressed her but I thought if she was serious she would raise it again. she didn't.
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Post by njsojourner on Jun 2, 2017 21:44:29 GMT -5
Interesting, Brother njsojourner Using the construction analogy, in your deal you say that you have the individual components to construct an edifice. But you don't have the nails, screws, rivets or glue to connect the individual components together to hold the construction up. Individual components are not of much value if there are no screws (or other bonding agents). The construction will inevitably not hold together. Just as screws (and other bonding agents) are not much value on their own either. Point well taken. I guess there really is no solution other than to get out. |
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Post by litnerd on Jun 7, 2017 13:58:06 GMT -5
I think my H was a better father before we got together. I gave him the leeway to be lazy, and working back to a better place has been HARD. Our lack of a sex life has actually taken a back seat to other relationship issues. I'm several years out from implementing any kind of escape plan, but I have one. I hope that once we work out our parenting differences and financial difficulties, and no longer have the added stress of super young children, that our sex life will go back to what it once was. But I'm not holding my breath, and I'm taking what steps I can to make sure I'm ready to get out when the time comes. As a child who grew up in a dysfunctional home, I refuse to set an example of martyrdom for my children. I want them to know that I made the choice to be happy, even when it was the hard choice to make.
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Post by doneanddone on Jun 8, 2017 8:49:35 GMT -5
I probably cry about 3 times a week about the sexless relationship I'm in and even after confronting the elephant in the room and trying to make things work I'm here again feeling what we all feel on here I don't need to describe it, the question is, is my sexlife worth loosing an amazing father and a good friend, should I just separate the two and satisfy myself elsewhere , or just pack up and go while I'm still in my 30's with only 2 kids. I'm pretty much in the same position as you are other than my wife is the refuser. As a father of only one, a girl, I can 100% honestly say this as it pertains to my situation and mine alone because everyone's situations are different: As of today, living in my SM, I will be a father to my daughter first and a husband to my wife second. As shitty as that may sound to some, again, for my situation that is my outlook. I probably could level them both, being a father and husband equally but I do believe that without the intimacy and close connection that sex brings together a husband and wife, there is no way in hell my wife will equate to what it means to me being the father that I am for my daughter and being there for my her. So in short to answer your question, is sex more important than a good husband/father....? I see your question differently from a father's view point and while my wife is an awesome mother, she is a shitty wife for making a choice and major marriage changing decision for both of us by not having sex. I'd rather have my wife as my daughters awesome mother and have sex regardless if it is with my wife or someone else who is intimately connected with me. That is my truth for the day and I'm sticking to it. Yes, sex is more important than having a good wife/mother....... Do you for a change and don't let anyone else, especially the refuser weigh you down.... |
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peiguy
Junior Member
Posts: 26 
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by peiguy on Jun 8, 2017 12:45:57 GMT -5
For all of us married to a really good person, good spouse, good parent, but no interest in sex - what about talking to them about the following:
1. I love you. 2. You are a wonderful father / mother. 3. You are a great roommate, friend, etc. 4. I do want to grow old with you and be for each other. 5. I need to have sex on a regular basis. 6. Are you prepared to change and work toward giving me the sex I need? 7. If you are unable or unwilling to give me the sex that I need, do you have any suggestions as to how we can maintain our marriage and yet my sexual needs will be met?
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Post by doneanddone on Jun 8, 2017 13:58:42 GMT -5
For all of us married to a really good person, good spouse, good parent, but no interest in sex - what about talking to them about the following:
1. I love you. 2. You are a wonderful father / mother. 3. You are a great roommate, friend, etc. 4. I do want to grow old with you and be for each other. 5. I need to have sex on a regular basis. 6. Are you prepared to change and work toward giving me the sex I need? 7. If you are unable or unwilling to give me the sex that I need, do you have any suggestions as to how we can maintain our marriage and yet my sexual needs will be met?
1. I love you. Means nothing to the person refusing sex 2. You are a wonderful father / mother. Wife would say to me "Well it's about time someone appreciated me around here!" 3. You are a great roommate, friend, etc. That would lead to a knock down drag out fight if I ever called the wife a "roommate" 4. I do want to grow old with you and be for each other. What's your definition of old? 5. I need to have sex on a regular basis. Reason number 15 of 100 as to why wife won't have sex with me.....because I want it on a regular basis....her response "Isn't once every 4 years good enough!" 6. Are you prepared to change and work toward giving me the sex I need? Why should I have to change is her thoughts.....I know this because she's said it out loud to me during arguments. 7. If you are unable or unwilling to give me the sex that I need, do you have any suggestions as to how we can maintain our marriage and yet my sexual needs will be met? This one no person who is on the denied end of a SM is ever going to get an answer to. Your needs will never come first or even be considered by someone who is a refuser of sex and this will just be a merry-go-round argument..... I hate to bust your bubble on this one but just because my wife is a good mother doesn't me I owe her an explanation as to why she is a shitty wife for cutting the sex off without discussing with me her husband. Nor do I give a shit what her reasons are. She cut me off at the knees basically leaving me helpless and amputated. There is no negotiation, no trade off. There is nothing any of us can do when the sex card is played on the hand dealt. You don't do that to people you love and care about. You don't take away something that was a part of bringing your family together. Anyone who does that is a peace of shit in my opinion. That is the sucker punch of sucker punches. It's as bad as cheating in my book. I'm not going to say it's not fair because there is no justification is me using an argument of equality on the side of me refusing her of something she doesn't want to begin with so saying it isn't fair would be immature and pointless. My anger stems from the single fact that my thoughts and concerns about the topic of having sex or not having sex were never taken into consideration before it was shut down. This is my wife that did this to me. My quote unquote best friend in life. The mother of my child. The person I am dedicated to for life....... Whatever her reasons are they mean shit to me and I could care less what they are. Medical, psychological, mental, physical, emotional.....I DON'T CARE....... She took advantage of me without a whiff of concern for me or my feelings so there..... Damn that felt good to type out..... |
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Post by doneanddone on Jun 8, 2017 14:09:41 GMT -5
I have the same situation. My wife is a wonderful person--everything is actually so good except in this one area and its a big one for me. We have built quite a life together but now we have this brick wall regarding sex. In her case it is more medical than psychological. I go back an forth about throwing away a marriage and its impact on kids, etc. after so many good years. Yet, I miss sex and the intimacy it brought. I am sad, lonely, and feel there is no solution. Question When was it discovered that it was more medical than psychological? And how long had it been since the last time you did have sex with her until it was determined medical over psychological? The reason I ask is that women do change with age, not to say that is bad or the cause of your situation but I am wondering if this could have been a backup default if no other reason for the stoppage of sex worked out. I've often wondered if my wife is having some kind of medical issue and she just isn't ready or willing to accept that about herself. But at the same time I would think and hope that if it were truly a medical issue that she on her own recourse would want to get that checked out and looked into for maybe there could be something more significant underlying the issue that is causing the lack of sex. I've asked her is she thinks its a medical issue and she says no. Matter of fact when it comes to doctors and hospitals, my wife is like a vampire to light. She hates them so it wouldn't surprise me in the least if it turned out to be something of the sort. I'd be able to handle the reason of my SM if it were medical so to hear someone else say that's the reason for their SM I'm not discrediting it but I always question if it is or was really medical to start off with and ended up being that as the refuser's "out" so to speak. For your situation I do hope that she is getting the medical treatment/advice that is helping or prevent any further issues. Good luck to you. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Jun 13, 2017 14:57:01 GMT -5
For all of us married to a really good person, good spouse, good parent, but no interest in sex - what about talking to them about the following:
1. I love you. 2. You are a wonderful father / mother. 3. You are a great roommate, friend, etc. 4. I do want to grow old with you and be for each other. 5. I need to have sex on a regular basis. 6. Are you prepared to change and work toward giving me the sex I need? 7. If you are unable or unwilling to give me the sex that I need, do you have any suggestions as to how we can maintain our marriage and yet my sexual needs will be met? Do you really want someone to "give" you sex? A person can, for a while, enact the sexual act, without actually wanting to or desiring their partner. Beyond the natural sexual appetite and frustration, there is the actual intimacy of the loving act with a partner. If THAT part of it is not shared - if it's just someone milking a cow, viewing the activity as a chore - it's really not what most people want. You can pretty much do that yourself. It's the meaning of the act between you - that your pleasure MATTERS to the person who gives it to you. That the pleasure you give is DESIRED. If you are married and know your partner, are you seriously going to be fooled by your partner's compliance? |
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Post by njsojourner on Jun 14, 2017 6:11:12 GMT -5
I have the same situation. My wife is a wonderful person--everything is actually so good except in this one area and its a big one for me. We have built quite a life together but now we have this brick wall regarding sex. In her case it is more medical than psychological. I go back an forth about throwing away a marriage and its impact on kids, etc. after so many good years. Yet, I miss sex and the intimacy it brought. I am sad, lonely, and feel there is no solution. Question When was it discovered that it was more medical than psychological? And how long had it been since the last time you did have sex with her until it was determined medical over psychological? The reason I ask is that women do change with age, not to say that is bad or the cause of your situation but I am wondering if this could have been a backup default if no other reason for the stoppage of sex worked out. I've often wondered if my wife is having some kind of medical issue and she just isn't ready or willing to accept that about herself. But at the same time I would think and hope that if it were truly a medical issue that she on her own recourse would want to get that checked out and looked into for maybe there could be something more significant underlying the issue that is causing the lack of sex. I've asked her is she thinks its a medical issue and she says no. Matter of fact when it comes to doctors and hospitals, my wife is like a vampire to light. She hates them so it wouldn't surprise me in the least if it turned out to be something of the sort. I'd be able to handle the reason of my SM if it were medical so to hear someone else say that's the reason for their SM I'm not discrediting it but I always question if it is or was really medical to start off with and ended up being that as the refuser's "out" so to speak. For your situation I do hope that she is getting the medical treatment/advice that is helping or prevent any further issues. Good luck to you. It's been nearly 5 years overall since the sex stopped. We tried for almost two years--everything we could think of (lubricants, etc.). She also has been seeing a therapist. Then the doctor visits which determined the cause. Only possible medical solution might be HRT but she can't due to an earlier cancer scare. It is what it is I suppose. I am condemned at age 62 to a life without sex. I am not sure where I am headed but for now I truck on, one day at a time |
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 14, 2017 6:20:39 GMT -5
"oddly, last year at one point she started to say she was considering "giving me permission" and then she stopped talking and didn't finish the sentence. I should have pressed her but I thought if she was serious she would raise it again. she didn't."
Be honest with yourself and admit that you have been colluding with your wife in allowing yourself to be celibate. You not only choose to stay in a sexless marriage, you act like your wife controls your dick. She is choosing not to have sex with you. She didn't ask your permission to do that. You could choose to have sex outside of your marriage -- whether or not your spouse agrees. You could say, "Since you are choosing not to have sex in our marriage, I am choosing to outsource. You have broken our marriage vows of "to have and to hold." I did not get married in order to be celibate and I won't be celibate." You never had to wait for your wife to bring up the subject of outsourcing.
Meanwhile, when she brought it up, your silence when she didn't continue the subject was a strong message to her that you were content with the marriage just as it is.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 14, 2017 8:16:59 GMT -5
"oddly, last year at one point she started to say she was considering "giving me permission" and then she stopped talking and didn't finish the sentence. I should have pressed her but I thought if she was serious she would raise it again. she didn't." Be honest with yourself and admit that you have been colluding with your wife in allowing yourself to be celibate. You not only choose to stay in a sexless marriage, you act like your wife controls your dick. She is choosing not to have sex with you. She didn't ask your permission to do that. You could choose to have sex outside of your marriage -- whether or not your spouse agrees. You could say, "Since you are choosing not to have sex in our marriage, I am choosing to outsource. You have broken our marriage vows of "to have and to hold." I did not get married in order to be celibate and I won't be celibate." You never had to wait for your wife to bring up the subject of outsourcing. Meanwhile, when she brought it up, your silence when she didn't continue the subject was a strong message to her that you were content with the marriage just as it is. Another instance of saying nothing, IS saying something. Doing nothing, IS doing something. |
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Post by rdp62 on Jun 14, 2017 8:19:03 GMT -5
I probably cry about 3 times a week about the sexless relationship I'm in and even after confronting the elephant in the room and trying to make things work I'm here again feeling what we all feel on here I don't need to describe it, the question is, is my sexlife worth loosing an amazing father and a good friend, should I just separate the two and satisfy myself elsewhere , or just pack up and go while I'm still in my 30's with only 2 kids. Its not a matter of satisfaction, save your life and yourself as soon as you can |
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