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Post by iceman on May 17, 2017 9:13:50 GMT -5
I just realised how easy it is going from day to day just putting up with it than it is actually facing it head on and actually talking about it with people who know their stuff Inertia is a very powerful force |
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Post by iceman on May 17, 2017 9:22:33 GMT -5
I guess I grew up in a broken home n always wanted the Christmas card family for my kids , I feel like I'm taking their lovely warm family feeling away from them because I'm not getting any For what it's worth I don't think parents splitting up means a broken home. It's just different kind of home for your kids. The kind of home where both parents love and care for them but just don't live together. It requires maturity and acceptance but it's definitely possible. And in the long run it may be better for your kids to be raised by happy parents even though they don't live together rather than unhappy parents who are staying together just for the kids. Kids see through that eventually and they see a bad example of marriage. These are tough decisions I know. I'm still wrestling with my situation as well. |
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Post by roxxanne on May 17, 2017 9:46:37 GMT -5
I'm ashamed to of just realised I'm not the only one in here hurting if anyone wants to chat or just unload at anytime don't hesitate in pm'ing me if only to just listen without judgement
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Post by bballgirl on May 17, 2017 9:49:15 GMT -5
roxxanneI would recommend individual therapy and focusing on yourself. Sort of like the oxygen mask on a plane, they tell the parent to put it on themselves first before the children. I've hit rock bottom depressed a few years ago and some days I could not even get out of bed. It was awful, especially with young children in the house. But I focused on myself, I exercised, took days off of work for a mental health day where I could have time to myself, I outsourced, I did the best I could to figure out what I wanted for myself. It takes time read a lot here and I hope you find the support you need.
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Post by hopingforachange on May 17, 2017 9:51:20 GMT -5
I'm ashamed to of just realised I'm not the only one in here hurting if anyone wants to chat or just unload at anytime don't hesitate in pm'ing me if only to just listen without judgement Just knowing I wasn't alone was one of the biggest things to help my depression. While I am a male with a female refuser, it crosses all genders. I suspect the pain is worse for a women because society has said that men will always want it and the woman is to be the gate keeper. For you, the situation has been turned on it's head. |
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Post by shamwow on May 17, 2017 9:55:17 GMT -5
Sister roxxanne Do you figure that in a theoretical scenario (where you divorced) that your spouse would suddenly become a deadbeat dad, rotten parent, and awful co-parent, and your enemy ? Or do you figure that he would actually remain a reasonable and responsible person, loving and supporting of his kids, and still your friend ? Excellent point, baza. Our spouses cover a whole range of personality types. If you do think he will slide into the negative territory Baza has outlines, then he probably isn't the good husband / father / partner you think he is. In my case, my wife does not want a divorce, but when I announced I suspected she would be reasonable. Others here advised me to lawyer up and get ready for battle. If I had listened to that advice, I would most likely be in the midst of a horrible fight in front of the kids (granted, I did my research and knew how a divorce would likely play out before I announced it). Instead, we are 40 days out from a non-contested divorce where we will amicably part ways and continue to raise our kids the best we can. Maybe your husband is similar to my wife. Maybe he isn't. But remember you know your husband better than anyone on this forum. We understand your sexless SITUATION, but don't understand you our your husband as PEOPLE, or your kids, or your finances, etc... If you don't mind me asking, how old are your kids? |
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appleaday
Junior Member
Posts: 95 
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by appleaday on May 17, 2017 10:30:12 GMT -5
Roxxane it's like you're in my head! This is the same internal struggle I go through. He's a great dad and good friend to me. I too Came from a broken home and vowed I would do things right and divorce would never be an option. How very naive of me really.
I agree that if he is really a good dad and friend that that won't change if you separate. I think when spouses are at such odds as we are here with our spouses, that the home is already broken. We spend so much energy making it appear whole to try and cover our pain, but it's broken. I think that there is no need to martyr ourselves for our kids sakes.
Now, maybe someday I will follow my own advice.
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Post by cagedtiger on May 17, 2017 10:51:43 GMT -5
It's not that my situation is a toxic relationship of him withdrawing sex, if there was a shred of asshole in him this decision would be done and dusted in a blink , its because he's such a good guy that makes it so hard and painful I know there's nothing he wouldn't do for me or the kids the fact is that he's bi and I don't turn him on as much as other things do he try's but it's not the same, didn't realise till a year ago he was bi , I was fully supportive and try everything to make us work and so does he but I'm just done at this point If you don't mind me asking, how did he come to this realization? Also, has he seen or been seeing a therapist or any type himself? That kind of a revelation can be pretty earth-shaking, and there may be more be still is working through, even if he's not aware of it. |
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Post by lwoetin on May 17, 2017 10:53:54 GMT -5
If you are crying three times a week over your SM, then you are crying three times too many. If he won't help you get better, he is not for you. He can still be a great father. If you tell him you are leaving him and he gives you a handshake and good luck then you made a good decision. It is common they change to some degree though when threat of losing a loved one is real, and marriage may then work.
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Post by roxxanne on May 17, 2017 11:45:13 GMT -5
Sister roxxanne Do you figure that in a theoretical scenario (where you divorced) that your spouse would suddenly become a deadbeat dad, rotten parent, and awful co-parent, and your enemy ? Or do you figure that he would actually remain a reasonable and responsible person, loving and supporting of his kids, and still your friend ? Excellent point, baza. Our spouses cover a whole range of personality types. If you do think he will slide into the negative territory Baza has outlines, then he probably isn't the good husband / father / partner you think he is. In my case, my wife does not want a divorce, but when I announced I suspected she would be reasonable. Others here advised me to lawyer up and get ready for battle. If I had listened to that advice, I would most likely be in the midst of a horrible fight in front of the kids (granted, I did my research and knew how a divorce would likely play out before I announced it). Instead, we are 40 days out from a non-contested divorce where we will amicably part ways and continue to raise our kids the best we can. Maybe your husband is similar to my wife. Maybe he isn't. But remember you know your husband better than anyone on this forum. We understand your sexless SITUATION, but don't understand you our your husband as PEOPLE, or your kids, or your finances, etc... If you don't mind me asking, how old are your kids? 13 and 2, because I have grown up differently than most I had to be very independent very young and I've never lost that, I have no financial ties to him I am self employed and happy paying half our bills in a rented home if we were to split tomorrow i don't think finances would be a prob to be honest |
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on May 17, 2017 11:46:06 GMT -5
It's not that my situation is a toxic relationship of him withdrawing sex, if there was a shred of asshole in him this decision would be done and dusted in a blink , its because he's such a good guy that makes it so hard and painful I know there's nothing he wouldn't do for me or the kids the fact is that he's bi and I don't turn him on as much as other things do he try's but it's not the same, didn't realise till a year ago he was bi , I was fully supportive and try everything to make us work and so does he but I'm just done at this point If he is bisexual and seems to be more interested in the same sex side, have you considered offering to open up your marriage? I know this option is not an easy one, and it has the possibility of confirming that you both are unhappy together because of the sex, but it also may be a good option to allow him to be sexually stimulated while letting you find someone to get your sexual frustration out on. This also depends on if your mental state can handle the idea that he wants to have sex, maybe just not with you. I have a friend whom has an open marriage, They swear that their sex life (together) is better now than it was before. Big decision, and not an easy one to bring up or live with if things don't go according to plan. With that, remember that you can only choose how you feel and what you do, you cannot make him feel/do anything. |
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Post by roxxanne on May 17, 2017 11:54:02 GMT -5
Roxxane it's like you're in my head! This is the same internal struggle I go through. He's a great dad and good friend to me. I too Came from a broken home and vowed I would do things right and divorce would never be an option. How very naive of me really. I agree that if he is really a good dad and friend that that won't change if you separate. I think when spouses are at such odds as we are here with our spouses, that the home is already broken. We spend so much energy making it appear whole to try and cover our pain, but it's broken. I think that there is no need to martyr ourselves for our kids sakes. Now, maybe someday I will follow my own advice. I wish I'd reached out years ago, thnk you so much, the kindness iv received here is just so comforting, I felt so lost and today I think I could actually make a plan even if it's long term |
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Post by skguy on May 17, 2017 11:58:48 GMT -5
I probably cry about 3 times a week about the sexless relationship I'm in and even after confronting the elephant in the room and trying to make things work I'm here again feeling what we all feel on here I don't need to describe it, the question is, is my sexlife worth loosing an amazing father and a good friend, should I just separate the two and satisfy myself elsewhere , or just pack up and go while I'm still in my 30's with only 2 kids. I get where you're coming from My wife is a pretty good friend to me. I probably give in on stuff and sacrifice to make her life as good as possible. I maybe expend too much energy just making sure she's doing okay. She not the best at being an adult. And we've had an issue in the past that would be a show stopper for most. But in general we get along. She's a good mother. She wants me to be happy. ...but there is no intimacy. And I love pleasing my partner. Making them feel amazing, but I don't get to that. Just have some passion and excitement. So a very hard decision when you like your spouse in every other way. But being stuck and letting it be that way has a good chance of making you angry and bitter as the years roll by. |
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Post by Apocrypha on May 17, 2017 12:01:06 GMT -5
It's not that my situation is a toxic relationship of him withdrawing sex, if there was a shred of asshole in him this decision would be done and dusted in a blink , its because he's such a good guy that makes it so hard and painful I know there's nothing he wouldn't do for me or the kids the fact is that he's bi and I don't turn him on as much as other things do he try's but it's not the same, didn't realise till a year ago he was bi , I was fully supportive and try everything to make us work and so does he but I'm just done at this point It's worth rewinding to your assumptions about what marriage is, before you worry about what you are about to lose. There are many types of intimate relationships and several kinds of loving relationships, but most people view marriage as a romantically reciprocated intimate relationship that includes sexual expression. That has not been the kind of relationship you have had with this man for a longer than reasonable amount of time. You have not had an opportunity to properly grieve for the loss of your marriage so that you can move forward to try having the best version of your most authentic relationship with him now - as the father of your kids. You are worried about losing something that doesn't exist. You don't have a romantic relationship with him. It doesn't mean he has to be a bad person, or that you don't love or care for each other, or that he is a bad person, or that he's not in your life anymore. It's quite likely that he will remain being a part of your life as you go forward, but without the expectation (and disappointment and resentment) that goes with marriage. How that lands in its final form is going to be up to the two of you. I'm not really sure how his bisexuality is relevant to the idea of him not being into you. Bi, straight, gay - the issue is being married to someone who doesn't hold a romantic interest in you. Unless you are considering widening the scope of what your sexual expression is to include enjoying his sexual expression with another man, and to be more than "tolerant" of it, it just comes down to his romantic interest not lying with you. As for the kids, you are worried about taking away their family. But, it isn't real, is it - what you are worried about taking away? It's really more a fantasy of a marriage - the one you always wanted - for them AND for you - that you are enacting for them. That's an enormous effort to carry the burden of such a lie. And modeling romantic affection is NOT something they will be able to do from your current example. It doesn't mean that either of you are bad people or bad parents. It's perfectly understandable to want the best things for your kids - the things you never had. There was a point in my own story where I realized that what I was presenting to my kids on a daily basis was not something I actually HAD, and I was going into deep emotional debt trying to afford the lie. You are as well. You are crying three times a week at this point in the trajectory - which won't stay any more level than it ever has before. You are well into naked pain at this point. So, do you think that if the two of you lived a more authentic relationship and released those expectations you have to be married, that he would cease to be the person he is - a good parent? a kind person? |
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Post by roxxanne on May 17, 2017 12:23:09 GMT -5
It's not that my situation is a toxic relationship of him withdrawing sex, if there was a shred of asshole in him this decision would be done and dusted in a blink , its because he's such a good guy that makes it so hard and painful I know there's nothing he wouldn't do for me or the kids the fact is that he's bi and I don't turn him on as much as other things do he try's but it's not the same, didn't realise till a year ago he was bi , I was fully supportive and try everything to make us work and so does he but I'm just done at this point If he is bisexual and seems to be more interested in the same sex side, have you considered offering to open up your marriage? I know this option is not an easy one, and it has the possibility of confirming that you both are unhappy together because of the sex, but it also may be a good option to allow him to be sexually stimulated while letting you find someone to get your sexual frustration out on. This also depends on if your mental state can handle the idea that he wants to have sex, maybe just not with you. I have a friend whom has an open marriage, They swear that their sex life (together) is better now than it was before. Big decision, and not an easy one to bring up or live with if things don't go according to plan. With that, remember that you can only choose how you feel and what you do, you cannot make him feel/do anything. I think this reason right here is probably why it has hurt so much the last year in that I have tried iv really tried and threw myself headfirst into his world iv sampled everything and I enjoyed myself I'm extremely open minded , but here I am a year ltr back were I used to be in that lonely place , I'm not a whiner I don't thrive on self pity so I'll make a decision soon and you all have been soooooo supportive I really wish I'd reached out years ago |
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