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Post by orangepeel on May 20, 2017 4:45:49 GMT -5
We had gone for well over a year without any sex at all when we came upon our 25 Wedding Anniversary. When I got home from work my wife was all dressed up, I ignored her just like she had completely ignored me for many many years. I know she was hurt and I felt bad but how could she expect me to celebrate a long dead marriage? To me if there is no sex there is no marriage. It would be a lie. My wife was never too enthusiastic in bed, it was always me asking for it, at the best of times the ratio was 10 rejections for every "ok let's get it over with already" . Socially she would act and talk like we had a great sex life, especially after a few drinks, but by the time we got to bed she would always say "the moment has passed, leave me alone". I should have known, On our wedding night she booked a room in an old manor house, then said we could not have sex because she knew the people who owned the house and they may hear it. I said either way they are going to assume we had sex so why not? That was the first of many many excuses why we should not have sex. We did manage to have three kids, they provided a solid two decades of excuses, now she works nights and that's her steady excuse. Our youngest is in college now and slowly but surely I'm downsizing and getting ready for my escape. I don't hate her, don't want to hurt her even though I'm hurt, lonely and desperate for physical intimacy, she is a sweet person, but she is more like a good sister than a wife. In fact she looks after her brothers more than me. Maybe she is asexual, gay or I simply do not do it for her. She did tell me once that she never had an orgasm. For me the day the light came on came around three years ago when I realized that it was never going to get better, only worse. She had made up a bunch of rules and said that sex was like another chore to be avoided and claimed that having to work mean me having to go without sex. She said no sex on any day she had to work, and no sex on her first day off or the day before she went to work that night. Then she said we can't have sex because I have to work tomorrow night. So she pretty much covered every day of the month, her menstral cycle covered the rest. If an opening did slip through she would say "ok go up to bed I'm watching my show and I'll be up in a little bit. She would stay down there till about an hour before I had to get up for work. If I awoke and asked what happened she would always say the same thing, "oh, I fell asleep". So I pretty much gave up trying and she seemed fine with it. After around two years of zero sex she did ask if there was anything wrong with me and if I was having an affair and if I still desired her. I told her no, no and yes. The last one was a lie, how could I desire her when she has done everything she can to tell me she does not desire me sexually? I still desired sex, but at best we have sex maybe two or three times a year now and it usually isn't satisfying for either of us, after 10 minutes it's "I'm done, you're hurting me". I don't like what this is doing to me, sometimes I feel like I should have walked out on our wedding night like John Wayne in the Quiet Man. Sure we had some fun over the years, and three kids that I love but the absence of hope of things ever getting better and sex is making me bitter, angry and I believe unhealthy . I keep gaining weight and have no desire to do much of anything other than ride my bike. Cheating is not my thing ,but I do look at dating sites to see what's out there, I have not joined though nor do I contact anyone. I just hope I live long enough to escape. I really did love her and the lack of sex is pretty much my only complaint, but it's a pretty big one. I really do think it's killing me, in addition to the weight gain, despite a personal and family history of low blood pressure I know have high blood pressure, don't sleep well either and feel that I am depressed. I totally get what you're saying. I cope with it by compartmentalising: I think she's mad not to want to sleep with me (sounds arrogant, but you've got to keep your ego strong). That means if I'm not going to go down with her to the land of asexuality or my own depression, I've got to cut her off at an emotional level, but retain the pleasantness to stop life degenerating into mild daily misery: and it's precisely that that takes a load of effort. I do get it. That's just how I get by. |
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Post by orangepeel on May 20, 2017 10:12:19 GMT -5
And while I'm on the subject, from what I've seen of the photos of members of this community, our spouses are ALL crazy not to sleep with us!
The only question is how to integrate that intellectual understanding that we're absolutely not flawed with our emotions, which are less easy to persuade....
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Post by hopingforachange on May 20, 2017 10:28:01 GMT -5
And while I'm on the subject, from what I've seen of the photos of members of this community, our spouses are ALL crazy not to sleep with us! The only question is how to integrate that intellectual understanding that we're absolutely not flawed with our emotions, which are less easy to persuade.... I wrote a post on Maslow's hierarchy of needs, which has a little bit about our refusers not including sex in there love/ belonging. Perhaps I need to add more about each individual makes choices about what is included. |
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Post by roxxanne on May 21, 2017 3:00:01 GMT -5
We had gone for well over a year without any sex at all when we came upon our 25 Wedding Anniversary. When I got home from work my wife was all dressed up, I ignored her just like she had completely ignored me for many many years. I know she was hurt and I felt bad but how could she expect me to celebrate a long dead marriage? To me if there is no sex there is no marriage. It would be a lie. My wife was never too enthusiastic in bed, it was always me asking for it, at the best of times the ratio was 10 rejections for every "ok let's get it over with already" . Socially she would act and talk like we had a great sex life, especially after a few drinks, but by the time we got to bed she would always say "the moment has passed, leave me alone". I should have known, On our wedding night she booked a room in an old manor house, then said we could not have sex because she knew the people who owned the house and they may hear it. I said either way they are going to assume we had sex so why not? That was the first of many many excuses why we should not have sex. We did manage to have three kids, they provided a solid two decades of excuses, now she works nights and that's her steady excuse. Our youngest is in college now and slowly but surely I'm downsizing and getting ready for my escape. I don't hate her, don't want to hurt her even though I'm hurt, lonely and desperate for physical intimacy, she is a sweet person, but she is more like a good sister than a wife. In fact she looks after her brothers more than me. Maybe she is asexual, gay or I simply do not do it for her. She did tell me once that she never had an orgasm. For me the day the light came on came around three years ago when I realized that it was never going to get better, only worse. She had made up a bunch of rules and said that sex was like another chore to be avoided and claimed that having to work mean me having to go without sex. She said no sex on any day she had to work, and no sex on her first day off or the day before she went to work that night. Then she said we can't have sex because I have to work tomorrow night. So she pretty much covered every day of the month, her menstral cycle covered the rest. If an opening did slip through she would say "ok go up to bed I'm watching my show and I'll be up in a little bit. She would stay down there till about an hour before I had to get up for work. If I awoke and asked what happened she would always say the same thing, "oh, I fell asleep". So I pretty much gave up trying and she seemed fine with it. After around two years of zero sex she did ask if there was anything wrong with me and if I was having an affair and if I still desired her. I told her no, no and yes. The last one was a lie, how could I desire her when she has done everything she can to tell me she does not desire me sexually? I still desired sex, but at best we have sex maybe two or three times a year now and it usually isn't satisfying for either of us, after 10 minutes it's "I'm done, you're hurting me". I don't like what this is doing to me, sometimes I feel like I should have walked out on our wedding night like John Wayne in the Quiet Man. Sure we had some fun over the years, and three kids that I love but the absence of hope of things ever getting better and sex is making me bitter, angry and I believe unhealthy . I keep gaining weight and have no desire to do much of anything other than ride my bike. Cheating is not my thing ,but I do look at dating sites to see what's out there, I have not joined though nor do I contact anyone. I just hope I live long enough to escape. I really did love her and the lack of sex is pretty much my only complaint, but it's a pretty big one. I really do think it's killing me, in addition to the weight gain, despite a personal and family history of low blood pressure I know have high blood pressure, don't sleep well either and feel that I am depressed. Ur drowning in a boat with a hole in it and it's overloaded, you've 1 life just the 1. Get rid of the baggage fix that hole and sail somewhere beautiful. Take back your life x |
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Post by km77565 on May 21, 2017 9:30:03 GMT -5
It's opposite for me-I'm the one in the relationship that is not wanting to have sex with my husband. I hate that I don't have the desire for him and I feel awful about it. But still, he is good to me. At this point he may be getting it from a FWB- I don't know. We have a son and I honestly don't think he know's anything is wrong because it's not hostile in our house and we don't fight. Everything would be picture perfect if I only could fix this one very major issue in the bedroom. I don't desire anyone else and I do like sex, but it's like the two of us are awkward together. Anyway, my point is that I think children need both parents very much. My son is 14 and if my husband will tolerate me longer I will stay until we are done raising him. We owe it to him I think. There's going to be issues in every relationship- pick your baggage! If there's lots of yelling and crying and hostility, of course you need to leave then.
That's what I'm telling myself- I don't know the answers and it's a tough situation to live in. Meanwhile, be strong and hold your head up and focus on the kids. Don't be all pitiful around him- continue showing the love you have for him and would do anything for him BUT at the same time know that if he leaves you could totally make it on your own and would have no problem finding someone fulfilling you physically. Anyway, that's my pep talk!
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Post by km77565 on May 21, 2017 9:39:13 GMT -5
It's not that my situation is a toxic relationship of him withdrawing sex, if there was a shred of asshole in him this decision would be done and dusted in a blink , its because he's such a good guy that makes it so hard and painful I know there's nothing he wouldn't do for me or the kids the fact is that he's bi and I don't turn him on as much as other things do he try's but it's not the same, didn't realise till a year ago he was bi , I was fully supportive and try everything to make us work and so does he but I'm just done at this point If he is bisexual and seems to be more interested in the same sex side, have you considered offering to open up your marriage? I know this option is not an easy one, and it has the possibility of confirming that you both are unhappy together because of the sex, but it also may be a good option to allow him to be sexually stimulated while letting you find someone to get your sexual frustration out on. This also depends on if your mental state can handle the idea that he wants to have sex, maybe just not with you. I have a friend whom has an open marriage, They swear that their sex life (together) is better now than it was before. Big decision, and not an easy one to bring up or live with if things don't go according to plan. With that, remember that you can only choose how you feel and what you do, you cannot make him feel/do anything. |
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Post by h on May 21, 2017 13:45:08 GMT -5
It's opposite for me-I'm the one in the relationship that is not wanting to have sex with my husband. I hate that I don't have the desire for him and I feel awful about it. But still, he is good to me. At this point he may be getting it from a FWB- I don't know. We have a son and I honestly don't think he know's anything is wrong because it's not hostile in our house and we don't fight. Everything would be picture perfect if I only could fix this one very major issue in the bedroom. I don't desire anyone else and I do like sex, but it's like the two of us are awkward together. Anyway, my point is that I think children need both parents very much. My son is 14 and if my husband will tolerate me longer I will stay until we are done raising him. We owe it to him I think. There's going to be issues in every relationship- pick your baggage! If there's lots of yelling and crying and hostility, of course you need to leave then. That's what I'm telling myself- I don't know the answers and it's a tough situation to live in. Meanwhile, be strong and hold your head up and focus on the kids. Don't be all pitiful around him- continue showing the love you have for him and would do anything for him BUT at the same time know that if he leaves you could totally make it on your own and would have no problem finding someone fulfilling you physically. Anyway, that's my pep talk! Sex is awkward for us too. It always has been and I attribute it to lack of practice. Embrace the awkward! Awkward but willing sex is way better than guilt/pity sex or nothing at all. |
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Post by northstarmom on May 21, 2017 15:19:08 GMT -5
Km, what steps have you taken to include sex in your marriage again? Did you talk to your doctor and a sex therapist? Talk to your husband? Offer him bjs and hand jobs? Tell him he has your permission to get sex outside of the marriage? If you have done nothing except hope your husband gets a fwb, you are being selfish and cruel.c
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Post by roxxanne on May 22, 2017 6:40:12 GMT -5
Thank you so much everyone for all the advice I'd be still walking in circles if it wasn't for a lot of stuff pointed out in here
Iv decided to stay, after actually accepting that he I don't do it for him and that more importantly it's no ones fault it has nothing to do with my looks or body, most of the pain has just disappeared, I usually go to the gym every morning and slog it out to the point were I feel sick to ensure my body is the best it cud be in the hopes I cud catch his eye but yesterday I went for coffee with my friends and had a laugh and organised a girls weekend and came home and had a great movie night with my kids and man instead threw on my sweats ltr on not caring about how sexy I looked going to bed and fell asleep stress free with no expectations from him. I'm sure everyday won't be as great or happy and when I need to outsource I'll cross that bridge but to me it's just more important that I raise my kids with my best friend, have the family BBQS the holidays and give them everything I didn't have, I see my 2 year olds face light up when his dad is home from work and the amazing relationship he has with our 12 year old daughter who's just about to become an alien or teenager I mean. It would be great to receive what I long for most nights but the sacrifice is worth it for what we have as a family, some might think I'm crazy but you have to make these decisions for yourself and iv made peace with mine
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Post by hopingforachange on May 22, 2017 7:38:43 GMT -5
Thank you so much everyone for all the advice I'd be still walking in circles if it wasn't for a lot of stuff pointed out in here Iv decided to stay, after actually accepting that he I don't do it for him and that more importantly it's no ones fault it has nothing to do with my looks or body, most of the pain has just disappeared, I usually go to the gym every morning and slog it out to the point were I feel sick to ensure my body is the best it cud be in the hopes I cud catch his eye but yesterday I went for coffee with my friends and had a laugh and organised a girls weekend and came home and had a great movie night with my kids and man instead threw on my sweats ltr on not caring about how sexy I looked going to bed and fell asleep stress free with no expectations from him. I'm sure everyday won't be as great or happy and when I need to outsource I'll cross that bridge but to me it's just more important that I raise my kids with my best friend, have the family BBQS the holidays and give them everything I didn't have, I see my 2 year olds face light up when his dad is home from work and the amazing relationship he has with our 12 year old daughter who's just about to become an alien or teenager I mean. It would be great to receive what I long for most nights but the sacrifice is worth it for what we have as a family, some might think I'm crazy but you have to make these decisions for yourself and iv made peace with mine I don't think you are crazy, myself and a few others here are in pretty functional relationships that are staying together for the young kids. The important thing is that you know you can make decisions as to what makes you happy. You are not forced by your partners decisions. Sometimes delaying other decisions is the best option for now. |
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Post by baza on May 22, 2017 8:12:27 GMT -5
Congratulations on choosing Sister roxxanneThere is a level of serenity to be had by choosing, and owning, that choice. Whatever that choice might be. The key now, under the "stay" choice, is the re-emergence of resentment, and how you will manage that when it happens. It would be smart to try and get out ahead of this issue, so it doesn't erupt again. Perhaps an individual counsellor might be worthwhile. And, it is a hard row you have to hoe now. Accepting a situation is one thing. Accepting a situation without resentment is quite another. Not everyone is capable of doing it. Resentment poisons everything. Good luck on your chosen path. |
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Post by Deleted on May 22, 2017 10:00:32 GMT -5
Thank you so much everyone for all the advice I'd be still walking in circles if it wasn't for a lot of stuff pointed out in here Iv decided to stay, after actually accepting that he I don't do it for him and that more importantly it's no ones fault it has nothing to do with my looks or body, most of the pain has just disappeared, I usually go to the gym every morning and slog it out to the point were I feel sick to ensure my body is the best it cud be in the hopes I cud catch his eye but yesterday I went for coffee with my friends and had a laugh and organised a girls weekend and came home and had a great movie night with my kids and man instead threw on my sweats ltr on not caring about how sexy I looked going to bed and fell asleep stress free with no expectations from him. I'm sure everyday won't be as great or happy and when I need to outsource I'll cross that bridge but to me it's just more important that I raise my kids with my best friend, have the family BBQS the holidays and give them everything I didn't have, I see my 2 year olds face light up when his dad is home from work and the amazing relationship he has with our 12 year old daughter who's just about to become an alien or teenager I mean. It would be great to receive what I long for most nights but the sacrifice is worth it for what we have as a family, some might think I'm crazy but you have to make these decisions for yourself and iv made peace with mine I certainly understand your logic Roxxanne. I stayed until my youngest was out of the house, and it definitely had some advantages. Please continue to read & post here as much as you want. |
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Post by northstarmom on May 22, 2017 11:34:48 GMT -5
Staying can be a thoughtful, reasonable decision. If you stay for the sake of the children, I also suggest getting counseling so you have the emotional support you need. Also I strongly suggest working at least part time and also staying very informed and involved in the family's financial accounts. That way should you or your husband decide to divorce later, you will still be able to live comfortably. Actually, even if no divorce is in the future, you still need that info.
When I finally decided to divorce after my kids were grown, I ended up with much less than I should have due to irresponsible decisions on both my ex and my part. I had been using shopping as a way to fill the void of sexlessnesd. He had been outsourcing money to a mistress and young child he thought he had fathered. He also had spent money on expensive trips to pursue hobbies.
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Post by Deleted on May 22, 2017 11:58:43 GMT -5
It's opposite for me-I'm the one in the relationship that is not wanting to have sex with my husband. I hate that I don't have the desire for him and I feel awful about it. But still, he is good to me. At this point he may be getting it from a FWB- I don't know. We have a son and I honestly don't think he know's anything is wrong because it's not hostile in our house and we don't fight. Everything would be picture perfect if I only could fix this one very major issue in the bedroom. I don't desire anyone else and I do like sex, but it's like the two of us are awkward together. Anyway, my point is that I think children need both parents very much. My son is 14 and if my husband will tolerate me longer I will stay until we are done raising him. We owe it to him I think. There's going to be issues in every relationship- pick your baggage! If there's lots of yelling and crying and hostility, of course you need to leave then. That's what I'm telling myself- I don't know the answers and it's a tough situation to live in. Meanwhile, be strong and hold your head up and focus on the kids. Don't be all pitiful around him- continue showing the love you have for him and would do anything for him BUT at the same time know that if he leaves you could totally make it on your own and would have no problem finding someone fulfilling you physically. Anyway, that's my pep talk! After my son left for college there suddenly seemed to be a spate of divorces amongst his social group, obviously parent "white knuckling" until the kids left. The problem was his close friend was struggling a little at college and he no longer had that familiar home environment he had always known to fall back on and he had a hard time. Other decided to stay home to save money. My son is 25 and he still has friend living with their parents. The girl across the road had to leave college because she developed a disease and her parents are full time caregivers What I am saying you are hanging on for some mythical point for the kids and that allows you NOT to address the problem now because of the excuse of the kids. |
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Post by Deleted on May 22, 2017 12:49:45 GMT -5
And, to double-dip here:
IMHO, a "good husband" includes having a good sex life. You can have a good brother or a good male roommate, and sex isn't included. In my worldview, being a good husband includes being sexual with your wife.
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