Is sex more important than a good husband/father ??

I have cried my self to sleep numerous times. All of them quietly so the wife wouldn't here, because then she would attempt pity sex, which leaves me feeling worse because she didn't want me she just didn't want to see me hurt. The motivation matters.

I don't think I was up to a few times a month, crying my self to sleep. I learned there was the tiniest subtlest little clues that she might be willing to have sex and I would wait for them. While I wanted it far more, I couldn't act on it and kept it bottle up inside because it hurt less. It worked for a while but the depression it caused is horrible.

Wow, that's a hell of a spread!  Good you have no financial ties, but single mom to a 2 year old is a rough ride.

He is a good friend you mean, not a good husband. A good husband does everything he can to keep his wife happy, and enjoys making her happy.

He is not a good friend. A good friend would not allow you to be miserable because they refused to do the one act that only they were supposed to do in your relationship. Even if your husband were physically incapable of intercourse, if he loved you and cared about your happiness he'd either open the marriage for you or use his hands or mouth to pleasure you. He'd get happiness by making you happy. That's what people do for people you love. It's similar to out of love cooking for your family a dish you hate but they love. You wouldn't let your family starve just because you didn't care for their favorite food.

roxxanne and appleaday, FWIW I'm on the back-side of your journey. 25+ years in, kids are graduated now, starting to plan retirement, we get along great in every respect except intimacy has never been there.

Now the landscape starts to look a lot like the beginning. "Family-building" is mostly complete, life is simplifying, and the duties and distractions that enabled a lack of intimacy to be survivable are disappearing.

It's distilling back down to "us", and it's tough to consider spending retirement with someone who discards the intimate possibilities. Sure, we'll be able to do adventures together, but it's very different to share experiences with a roommate or a "college pal" vs a lover. I'm not just talking sex here, but the chemistry of an intimate bond.

I will say, though, that you have the benefit of grasping the reality early, so perhaps you can cope better. For me, it was 20 years of angst and self-loathing, struggling to be a good spouse and a good parent but never understanding how I was still failing to be worthy. The last several years have been much easier since I came to realize that asexuality is a thing. It still sucks big-time and I still have a huge void, but I'm much happier with who I am now.

But consider these points...
1) It very, very rarely gets better than you have it right now. The only way things can change is if he is motivated to change - nothing you do can change him.
2) The longer it goes, the deeper the hole - it gets harder to make the break.
3) In my span of time, statistics say that I've missed out on well over 2000 sexual experiences; probably a lot more. I have to wonder what life would have been like if my emotional tank had been refilled that much, and what kind of relationship that would be. I also wonder what else I might have accomplished if I'd been energized by an amazing relationship instead of all the time I've spent in anguish or trying to compensate.

"Just one more day" will kick the can down the road for a lifetime. Instead, I urge you to look way, way out and evaluate what life will look like for each decade to come, then act on the Big Picture.

DC

We had gone for well over a year without any sex at all when we came upon our 25 Wedding Anniversary. When I got home from work my wife was all dressed up, I ignored her just like she had completely ignored me for many many years. I know she was hurt and I felt bad but how could she expect me to celebrate a long dead marriage? To me if there is no sex there is no marriage. It would be a lie. My wife was never too enthusiastic in bed, it was always me asking for it, at the best of times the ratio was 10 rejections for every "ok let's get it over with already" . Socially she would act and talk like we had a great sex life, especially after a few drinks, but by the time we got to bed she would always say "the moment has passed, leave me alone". I should have known, On our wedding night she booked a room in an old manor house, then said we could not have sex because she knew the people who owned the house and they may hear it. I said either way they are going to assume we had sex so why not? That was the first of many many excuses why we should not have sex. We did manage to have three kids, they provided a solid two decades of excuses, now she works nights and that's her steady excuse. Our youngest is in college now and slowly but surely I'm downsizing and getting ready for my escape. I don't hate her, don't want to hurt her even though I'm hurt, lonely and desperate for physical intimacy, she is a sweet person, but she is more like a good sister than a wife. In fact she looks after her brothers more than me. Maybe she is asexual, gay or I simply do not do it for her. She did tell me once that she never had an orgasm. For me the day the light came on came around three years ago when I realized that it was never going to get better, only worse. She had made up a bunch of rules and said that sex was like another chore to be avoided and claimed that having to work mean me having to go without sex. She said no sex on any day she had to work, and no sex on her first day off or the day before she went to work that night. Then she said we can't have sex because I have to work tomorrow night. So she pretty much covered every day of the month, her menstral cycle covered the rest. If an opening did slip through she would say "ok go up to bed I'm watching my show and I'll be up in a little bit. She would stay down there till about an hour before I had to get up for work. If I awoke and asked what happened she would always say the same thing, "oh, I fell asleep". So I pretty much gave up trying and she seemed fine with it. After around two years of zero sex she did ask if there was anything wrong with me and if I was having an affair and if I still desired her. I told her no, no and yes. The last one was a lie, how could I desire her when she has done everything she can to tell me she does not desire me sexually? I still desired sex, but at best we have sex maybe two or three times a year now and it usually isn't satisfying for either of us, after 10 minutes it's "I'm done, you're hurting me".
I don't like what this is doing to me, sometimes I feel like I should have walked out on our wedding night like John Wayne in the Quiet Man. Sure we had some fun over the years, and three kids that I love but the absence of hope of things ever getting better and sex is making me bitter, angry and I believe unhealthy . I keep gaining weight and have no desire to do much of anything other than ride my bike. Cheating is not my thing ,but I do look at dating sites to see what's out there, I have not joined though nor do I contact anyone. I just hope I live long enough to escape. I really did love her and the lack of sex is pretty much my only complaint, but it's a pretty big one. I really do think it's killing me, in addition to the weight gain, despite a personal and family history of low blood pressure I know have high blood pressure, don't sleep well either and feel that I am depressed.

In my case, yes, I think it was much better for the kids that I stayed. One of mine came to realize during his stint as a camp counselor that he totally lacked home issues that have become normal amongst his peers - alcohol abuse, fighting, split homes, etc.

But... my decision point was much earlier than kids, because the intimacy issues presented early. And W and I get along very well, mostly excepting when my patience is worn thin by a lack of romance, touch, etc. So in our case the kids didn't have to deal with hostility between us. Our issues have been primarily behind closed doors, and then the extent that those issues fueled tensions from time to time.

Mostly, it has been very hard on me personally. I'm sure that's influenced the quality of my parenting, and it's certainly affected who I've become and accomplished as a person. But even weighing that, it was probably better in many regards to be fully present for my kids.

However, asexuality is a pretty rare root cause here, and often the relationship is deteriorated and sex is just a symptom of spousal indifference. That leads to a very different dynamic and a lot of conflict in the relationship, which is physically hard on individuals and definitely affects the kids' development. In that situation, a split home is likely more healthy for all parties.

So, I'd encourage you to take stock of your whole relationship, especially from the perspective of the example your kids will use to shape their future relationships. That staying might have been best for my kids doesn't mean it would be for you.

FWIW,
DC