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Post by seabr33z3 on Apr 26, 2017 12:23:31 GMT -5
I vaguely remember her laying there exhausted or at least not enjoying it about 12 years ago when I was insisting on daily sex and then lost patience really fast and started outsourcing um....really? |
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Post by lwoetin on Apr 26, 2017 22:28:01 GMT -5
My W and I have agreed on focusing on INTIMACY and OUR COUPLE. She laughed (in a happy way) that I said this would involve SEX at least 21 times a month (prostrate health too to consider LOL). You are a strong negotiator, McRoomMate. That's at least 21x12 a year. I can't even calculate that in my head. I can't believe your wife is taking this deal!  This would be more miraculous than Lazarus rising from his tomb. |
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appleaday
Junior Member
Posts: 95 
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by appleaday on Apr 28, 2017 8:56:39 GMT -5
Insisting on sex every single day from someone who has a lower libido seems a bit unreasonable to me. Are you sure you want intimacy and not just sex from your wife? Even though I am in a SM with my husband I would not seek to force daily sex (though if it happened, it would be great). I mean, sex is great but it alone cannot make for a good marriage and you must still make room for life.
I think I'm the end, if you truly want this to work some sort of compromise may need to be made. In desperation she may be committing to daily, but in the long run that may be too much for someone with a low libido. Are you going to call it a failure if after six months sex is twice or thrice a week instead?
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Post by h on Apr 28, 2017 10:01:48 GMT -5
Insisting on sex every single day from someone who has a lower libido seems a bit unreasonable to me. Are you sure you want intimacy and not just sex from your wife? Even though I am in a SM with my husband I would not seek to force daily sex (though if it happened, it would be great). I mean, sex is great but it alone cannot make for a good marriage and you must still make room for life. I think I'm the end, if you truly want this to work some sort of compromise may need to be made. In desperation she may be committing to daily, but in the long run that may be too much for someone with a low libido. Are you going to call it a failure if after six months sex is twice or thrice a week instead? Agreed! I wouldn't want to force it that much. I'd be happy to accept it, but I would also be happy with a few times per week, or even just once a week consistently. Compromise at least shows that both sides are moving in the direction of the other. |
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Post by seabr33z3 on Apr 28, 2017 10:18:22 GMT -5
Insisting on sex every single day from someone who has a lower libido seems a bit unreasonable to me. Are you sure you want intimacy and not just sex from your wife? Even though I am in a SM with my husband I would not seek to force daily sex (though if it happened, it would be great). I mean, sex is great but it alone cannot make for a good marriage and you must still make room for life. I think I'm the end, if you truly want this to work some sort of compromise may need to be made. In desperation she may be committing to daily, but in the long run that may be too much for someone with a low libido. Are you going to call it a failure if after six months sex is twice or thrice a week instead? It's the language he uses..." insist ". He insisted that they had sex every day even when she was exhausted. Insist implies... To me...control. If I have to insist/force it(behaviour of any sort) from a partner, it loses meaning. Plus sex at least 21 times a month? Why put a number in it? That's 5/6 days a week which is absolutely fine in some cases, but a tad optimistic in his. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 28, 2017 10:36:01 GMT -5
Insisting on sex every single day from someone who has a lower libido seems a bit unreasonable to me. Are you sure you want intimacy and not just sex from your wife? Even though I am in a SM with my husband I would not seek to force daily sex (though if it happened, it would be great). I mean, sex is great but it alone cannot make for a good marriage and you must still make room for life. I think I'm the end, if you truly want this to work some sort of compromise may need to be made. In desperation she may be committing to daily, but in the long run that may be too much for someone with a low libido. Are you going to call it a failure if after six months sex is twice or thrice a week instead? It's the language he uses..." insist ". He insisted that they had sex every day even when she was exhausted. Insist implies... To me...control. If I have to insist/force it(behaviour of any sort) from a partner, it loses meaning. Plus sex at least 21 times a month? Why put a number in it? That's 5/6 days a week which is absolutely fine in some cases, but a tad optimistic in his. You are so right. Who am I kidding. Thank-you for the brutal honesty nailing my "control" attempt - I honestly did not even consciously notice it at all. If I am imposing my will and controlling . . . that aint no good or sustainable - not at all. Thank-you Seriously seabr33z3 I am obviously fantasizing if not flat out delusional thinking it will magickally go from 1 per 6 months to 1 per day and stay that way. |
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Post by seabr33z3 on Apr 28, 2017 12:03:54 GMT -5
It's the language he uses..." insist ". He insisted that they had sex every day even when she was exhausted. Insist implies... To me...control. If I have to insist/force it(behaviour of any sort) from a partner, it loses meaning. Plus sex at least 21 times a month? Why put a number in it? That's 5/6 days a week which is absolutely fine in some cases, but a tad optimistic in his. You are so right. Who am I kidding. Thank-you for the brutal honesty nailing my "control" attempt - I honestly did not even consciously notice it at all. If I am imposing my will and controlling . . . that aint no good or sustainable - not at all. Thank-you Seriously seabr33z3 I am obviously fantasizing if not flat out delusional thinking it will magickally go from 1 per 6 months to 1 per day and stay that way. None of us are experts and it's hard for us to see the positive and negatives in ourselves. You strike me as someone who is very passionate and enthusiastic in everything you do. Perhaps to excess. If you were a footballer or a surfer or into a vigorous hobby or sport of any kind. I imagine you would give it your all and not tolerate anyone else in the team not doing likewise. When it comes to relationships, I wonder do you operate in the same way. No half measures. My humble opinion would be to find your wife's level and take yours and compromise somewhere in the middle, however I suspect that this will also need to extend to other areas of the marriage simultaneously for this to have any chance. The question is can you maintain that? You are effectively possibly having to change who you are. Just my observation from the info given. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Apr 28, 2017 12:06:47 GMT -5
You know, we tried to impose the the schedule of sex too. It lead to her having sex that she didn't want, and hating me for it even as she consentually agreed to it, or even incited it. She posed it as evidence of how little I cared for her (in therapy - to someone else, but never mentioned it to me before). The word "meatbag" came up - language she'd applied to an abuser from her past.
Do you really want sex from someone who clearly doesn't want it with you? Because she's going to make sure that you don't.
At the time, I remember thinking it was progress - that clearly hot, generous, loving sex with someone who are attracted to and claim to love (and she claimed both of those things) is the best thing in the world, and she just needed to be reminded of that. I hadn't counted on her weaponizing the schedule and using it against me as an example of "I should have known" and "what a monster I was". The damage of that portrayal of such a loving and vulnerable act was fatal. As I recall, the counselor broke his usual restrained stance and encouraged us to call time of death right there, but we didn't listen.
I realize later what he saw - a moment of honesty from her. Total and utter contempt.
There is no romantic comeback from contempt - it's the fourth horseman.
Having the sex isn't actually all that hard - even as a single guy.
But, having the sex MATTER, that's the trick.
It's not the number of times - that's the tail wagging the dog.
It's the desire to have the sex in the first place that determines what happens downstream.
Not much point in scheduling sex that you don't want to have. This isn't a matter of scheduling and time management.
Having sex is a priority for you and so you want to make time for it. Sex with you isn't a priority for her. NOT having sex with you is her priority.
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Post by novembercomingfire on Apr 28, 2017 12:13:33 GMT -5
You know, we tried to impose the the schedule of sex too. It lead to her having sex that she didn't want, and hating me for it even as she consentually agreed to it, or even incited it. She posed it as evidence of how little I cared for her (in therapy - to someone else, but never mentioned it to me before). The word "meatbag" came up - language she'd applied to an abuser from her past. Do you really want sex from someone who clearly doesn't want it with you? Because she's going to make sure that you don't. At the time, I remember thinking it was progress - that clearly hot, generous, loving sex with someone who are attracted to and claim to love (and she claimed both of those things) is the best thing in the world, and she just needed to be reminded of that. I hadn't counted on her weaponizing the schedule and using it against me as an example of "I should have known" and "what a monster I was". The damage of that portrayal of such a loving and vulnerable act was fatal. As I recall, the counselor broke his usual restrained stance and encouraged us to call time of death right there, but we didn't listen. I realize later what he saw - a moment of honesty from her. Total and utter contempt. There is no romantic comeback from contempt - it's the fourth horseman. This is really a moment of truth. I think that there is a lot of contempt behind a lot of our stories. I think my wife's contempt for me was more traditional and didn't require as much of a convoluted basis, but honestly I knew from day 1 that she thought that i wasn't good enough for her (somehow i was good enough to be a father to her children, but she now doesn't seem to think i am much of a father either). Who knows, maybe she was/is right. So much contempt behind what could be seen as an attempt to control everything. It was only that she thought i wasn't good enough to handle anything. I agree, there is no coming back from contempt and as much as i tried to better myself to gain her appreciation, it just wasn't going to happen. I am glad to hear you found a way out. Thanks for the perspective as always. |
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Post by McRoomMate on May 2, 2017 12:56:48 GMT -5
UPDATE = GAME OVER OK so W and I agreed to have a Week-end together and try one more time. We went to a really nice hotel. Basically - the whole thing fell apart and I am banned from her life now.
To rebuild our couple, I figured this would be months and months of work. I was prepared to try as hard as I could and be honest.
So long story short. She was expecting all the passion to come back and we were just as before many years ago when we met and fell madly in love - sure a somewhat mature version.
I said I am just trying to do the next right thing and I told honestly this will take time.
She basically said "Game Over" and I was "Dead" to her. No more contact and our Marriage is definitely over.
I think she could sense I was not all there but I was trying to be there. Trying really hard.
So now I am a FREE MAN. I just finished first draft of Separation / temporary Child Custody agreement to be papered over by my lawyer.
I felt total elation after about 48 hours of pain and suffering during this week-end. She cried, I felt like crying, but it was cathartic for sure.
Now a few days later and I am feeling "guilt" and I told her that too during our last week-end together that I felt guilty and shamed for breaking up the family and thought it was worth saving but it would take time for me to be back. I told her I will try to learn to love again but it will take time given all the years of SM.
She responded saying I was ungrateful, selfish, and I had a "short memory" she cited all the things she had bought for me and how she saved me from trouble over the years. She did not acknowledge it would be difficult and time and work to rebuild our couple. She wanted more than I had to offer her over the week-end. I said I was "willing" to keep trying. She wanted none of it.
Game Over - I am free. Definitive.
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Post by cagedtiger on May 2, 2017 13:03:17 GMT -5
Holy shit, man. That sounds like it'll come out for the best in the long term though.
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Post by McRoomMate on May 2, 2017 13:19:38 GMT -5
Holy shit, man. That sounds like it'll come out for the best in the long term though. Thank-you cagedtiger I think you are right. I was dreading and I suppose hoping if I kept trying - "fake it til you make" "Do the next right thing" "act as if" etc. I got this advice from some friends who meant well. It made sense to me. So I showed up - she could sense I was not super passionate. She paid no attention about the fact I was there and willing to try. She just said "GAME OVER" after 2 days. Well I think you are right. Right now the reality is setting in. At first pure elation, I walked out of the hotel and looked at all the Chestnut trees about to bloom and cool spring evening and just felt amazing. Now the "guilt" is creeping in. So being raised Catholic and "Mea Culpa" is a subconscious mantra - I am dealing with the guilt. Good news is I connected again very well with my children . . . so priority now is working out some sort of a child visitation rights. Thank-you CG for all your support. We are family here - odd bed fellows in the doomed ship of SM - that actually aint so doomed because it seems so many of us are making progress towards "HAPPINESS". Amen. |
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Post by lwoetin on May 2, 2017 13:41:36 GMT -5
Game Over - I am free. Definitive. It's not over until it's over. Last year (a rough one), I told my wife I joined a dating site. The next day, I came home after work expecting kids to be back from school. I found an empty house instead. They returned later in the night. And before we went to bed she said we should divorce. She changed her mind a day or two later. It may not be game over. SM is weird. |
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Post by unmatched on May 2, 2017 18:42:47 GMT -5
I find it ironic that she probably spent years expecting you to deal with her lack of attraction/engagement because she was 'doing her best' and you should somehow get over the rejection and try to meet her where she was. (Might be projecting here just a little...) The moment the shoe is on the other foot and you are the one not feeling it she doesn't want to deal with that at all. It does make me wonder whether refusers aren't actually the healthy ones in a lot of ways and we are just way too willing to discount our own feelings.
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Post by Apocrypha on May 2, 2017 22:35:43 GMT -5
I suspect you've entered the Land of Careening Hyperbole.
In this part of the journey, all conflict has the potential to ignite to hysterical and cathartic marriage-ending proclamations, red lines that must not be crossed, final straws, followed by tentative gestures at "working it out", into perpetuity. It can be a roller coaster ride of "this is the big one" only to draw you in and then slam the door again, rinse and repeat.
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