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Post by lyn on Apr 19, 2017 11:43:11 GMT -5
Full disclosure? I will ask my psychiatrist friend about this No I am not a patient but maybe I should be I just want to suggest McRoomMate, that, if you truly believe there is something salvageable there, please hang onto your new flat and maybe "date" your wife WHILE going through marriage counseling, and, individual therapy. Please do not tell the kids you're "getting back together" - really confusing for them. You must feel like you've got scrambled eggs up in that noggin of yours right now. This stuff is SOOO confusing - especially when we can sit back and remember all of the amazing sex and intimate occasions with our spouses. It's important to remember the other times too though - being patted like a cat, laughed at with regard to you dating again, etc. etc. etc etc. etc.......... etc etc etc etc etc I'd hesitate to blame the situation on a mid-life crisis - too "easy" - such a cliche really. All of your soul-searching .... must've revealed things to you - tap into those thoughts and ideas - think about all of it - please, before jumping back in. A solo retreat weekend for yourself (maybe with a bunch of monks lol) would probably be a good idea about now. You cannot THINK clearly whilst in the company of your W and kids - Just my 2c. Sorry if I sound harsh |
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Post by worksforme2 on Apr 19, 2017 11:53:16 GMT -5
I'm in the boat with wom360. I think you will be back to status quo in 2 months or less. There is a term for what I think you are getting ready to do. That term is "screw the pooch". Roomie, I think you are about 2 steps from "screwing the pooch"
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Post by lwoetin on Apr 19, 2017 21:49:40 GMT -5
So we are off to save our marriage. I am pretty confident this will be possible. I hear the statistics that 0.5% of sexless marriages succeed, especially after 10 years of SM (i.e., less than 10 times per year). So am I delusional to think that we will be exception? I told her that the Magic ingrediants are: 1. LOVE 2. TRUST / HONESTY 3. HARD WORK And BOTH are willing to put all 3 of those into the Couple. 0.5%, really? Is it that high? I thought it was 0.0005%. Actually the accurate number is what you and your spouse believe it to be. Regarding the magic ingredients, (2) trust and honesty was not an issue in my marriage. It doesn't need to be (3) hard work for me wife, but she needs to put some effort. So, I think key is (1) LOVE in marriage. Good luck in rekindling the love and keeping the family together, McRoomMate. You must be exhausted. |
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Post by seabr33z3 on Apr 20, 2017 4:22:42 GMT -5
So we are off to save our marriage. I am pretty confident this will be possible. I hear the statistics that 0.5% of sexless marriages succeed, especially after 10 years of SM (i.e., less than 10 times per year). So am I delusional to think that we will be exception? I told her that the Magic ingrediants are: 1. LOVE 2. TRUST / HONESTY 3. HARD WORK And BOTH are willing to put all 3 of those into the Couple. 0.5%, really? Is it that high? I thought it was 0.0005%. Actually the accurate number is what you and your spouse believe it to be. Regarding the magic ingredients, (2) trust and honesty was not an issue in my marriage. It doesn't need to be (3) hard work for me wife, but she needs to put some effort. So, I think key is (1) LOVE in marriage. Good luck in rekindling the love and keeping the family together, McRoomMate. You must be exhausted. ...not forgetting communication...a huge problem over the years in my marriage by both parties. McRoommate mentions his "addictions" and "toxic habits". Hopefully these are thrashed out too. A mediator is essential here if this has any chance of succeeding. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 20, 2017 9:27:26 GMT -5
I'm in the boat with wom360. I think you will be back to status quo in 2 months or less. There is a term for what I think you are getting ready to do. That term is "screw the pooch". Roomie, I think you are about 2 steps from "screwing the pooch" Appreciate the comment. "Screwing the Pooch" - well I had to look that up and even asked a retired Air Force military what that meant. Can you please give me a hint what that means? I am tending to agree with you. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 20, 2017 9:34:21 GMT -5
APPRECIATE ALL THE COMMENTS ! ! !
Thank-you for the support and calling me on my insane panic motivated bat brained desperate ideas.
Any how I cancelled everything this morning and said "I was just doing it to stop the kids from being in pain" My STBX had a monster melt down and children went from sad to traumatized level of pain.
What a FUBAR mess I created. I should have just stayed the Hell away and let the pain subside. Now I basically multiplied the trauma and the pain by planting temporary "FAlse Hope"
I deserve the damage and rage against me - Let this be a lesson Think, think, think, I acted on impulse overwhelmed by the pain in my children and now made it 10 times worse.
I now can only wait say a month before reconnecting and starting to rebuild the Love and Trust which now is totally shattered.
Life will go on and I must give time time and wait for the pain to subside.
This is why DIVORCE SUCKS - because it causes massive pain to the ones we love the most -
Well I came to this conclusiion to cancel because I spent the evening with my psychiatrist friend and I did most of the talking but we came to the conclusion "staying together only for the childs sake by pretending to fall in love again with your wife will not work" so I cancelled everything this morning and that is when ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE (rage, hate, meltdown all aimed at me . . . and rightly so).
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 20, 2017 9:37:30 GMT -5
Full disclosure? I will ask my psychiatrist friend about this No I am not a patient but maybe I should be I just want to suggest McRoomMate , that, if you truly believe there is something salvageable there, please hang onto your new flat and maybe "date" your wife WHILE going through marriage counseling, and, individual therapy. Please do not tell the kids you're "getting back together" - really confusing for them. You must feel like you've got scrambled eggs up in that noggin of yours right now. This stuff is SOOO confusing - especially when we can sit back and remember all of the amazing sex and intimate occasions with our spouses. It's important to remember the other times too though - being patted like a cat, laughed at with regard to you dating again, etc. etc. etc etc. etc.......... etc etc etc etc etc I'd hesitate to blame the situation on a mid-life crisis - too "easy" - such a cliche really. All of your soul-searching .... must've revealed things to you - tap into those thoughts and ideas - think about all of it - please, before jumping back in. A solo retreat weekend for yourself (maybe with a bunch of monks lol) would probably be a good idea about now. You cannot THINK clearly whilst in the company of your W and kids - Just my 2c. Sorry if I sound harsh Thank-you - No you do not sound too harsh - too easy if you ask me. Week-end retreat for me . . . sounds like a damn good idea. I cancelled the W-E retreat with my W and she had a melt down (see other post). |
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 20, 2017 9:50:48 GMT -5
So as you may know, I literally moved out of my home (W and children left behind). My 6 year old daughter said "She was crying on the inside" and many other family members very upset and shocked. As I lay in lonely new apartment, I imagined myself holding my wife all night in our bed. So this morning, I had a new talk with my W. We made HUGE PROGRESS. We both agreed that "INTIMACY" was missing from our couple. She also and I agreed went thru a "Mid Life Crisis: Checklist" and I basically ticked every box. It is true that we had grown Sexless over the past 10 years. So she claims I am "too cold" and I claim she has no libido. I think we are both right and both wrong. Good news is we both agreed that INTIMACY is the key - I was the one emphasizing this point but she agreed. So we agreed to a Couple's Week-end soon as she wants to make sure I am not still in my mid life crisis. So we are off to save our marriage. I am pretty confident this will be possible. I hear the statistics that 0.5% of sexless marriages succeed, especially after 10 years of SM (i.e., less than 10 times per year). So am I delusional to think that we will be exception? I told her that the Magic ingrediants are: 1. LOVE 2. TRUST / HONESTY 3. HARD WORK And BOTH are willing to put all 3 of those into the Couple. She does not trust me 100% yet, as I did tell her No when asked if I still loved her. But being alone in my apartment for 2 days, it started to sink in, and I actually had a vision of me holding her all night. So we will see how this goes. It never ends does it? "Couple Week-end" here we come. ... roomy. This has me very worried. Make no decisions now. You have made a huge leap forward and this could be your undoing. What you are feeling now is nrmal. You feelbad for splitting the family. But that cannot cloud your judgement going forward. THANK-YOU ! ! ! I spent the whole evening until 2am speaking with several friend who I trust for advice. The consensus was for Not do it - so I cancelled the Wife W-E and all hell broke lose - W and children now triple traumatized so I am isolated for test 30 days until emotions calm down. So now I am just getting out the way, going thru the pain and praying they get thru the pain and reconnect in a few weeks to a month. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 20, 2017 9:56:14 GMT -5
And my phone is being a dick. Sorry. Please just rest with the situation a while. I am worried you have gone into guilt and panic. ALL NORMAL. If you undo all this hard work now you will be more screwed. I got id of my fella 3 1/2 years then took him back in a moment of weakness. That was 10 years... correction... 10 ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE years ago. Please be careful. Thank-you you knocked some sense into me. I continued your guidance with about 8 hours of talking with key friends last night (buddy who just got divorced for same reasons as me, psychiatrist friend who drank and listened more than talked, another friend who just got divorced). So I cancelled everything and then ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE - emotional meltdown with W and children both - I made a sad situation explosively traumatic - so after my W stopped screaming and wailing we agreed to one month wait period for giving them "false hope". |
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 20, 2017 10:27:48 GMT -5
Whilst this latest twist plays out to a conclusion, I am thinking of the "other woman" who ended up embroiled in the situation. We are back together now. She had a melt down and told me to go to Hell in so many words and then begged and I listened. Now just nurturing the traumatic pain of causing my children to suffer and laying low for a few weeks until I can appropriately start to rebuild the love and trust I shattered in their hearts and minds. I know I need to give time time for my children and then rebuild a new father relationship from the rubble. "NEW FATHER RELATIONSHIP" like some new city after a massive earthquake and tsunami hits. Bigger and stronger and more love. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 20, 2017 10:49:23 GMT -5
I deserve the damage, I created false hope, I am too cold, I multiplied the pain and trauma, etc... Woah...slow it down. That's a ton of self blame there!
What about your W's part in all this? (without digging back for quotes) I recall, She could care less that I am leaving, She could care less about me seeing the kids, she threatened me with keeping the kids, she threatened me with me not having a penny, she talked on the phone with her friends like she could care less that I was leaving. And now it's all your fault? You made all the mistakes, you are the selfish, manipulative controller?
Sounds like you need to buy some waders. The shit is getting deep!
Time, time my friend you need time to rationalize and let things simmer. Continue to ask advice from others. It's always helpful to see things from an outsiders perspective.
You may not believe it's a donkey. The first two or three people tell you "It's a donkey". You still don't believe it. After 100 people tell you, "it's a donkey". Well guess what? You have to face the fact. It's a donkey.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Apr 20, 2017 11:03:29 GMT -5
Relax mc roomy. Let some dust settle. Breathe.
Nothing has to happen now.
Just concentrate on yourself and the rest will fall into place.
The kids will still love you and their Mum.
It'll be ok xxx
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 20, 2017 11:20:21 GMT -5
I deserve the damage, I created false hope, I am too cold, I multiplied the pain and trauma, etc... Woah...slow it down. That's a ton of self blame there! What about your W's part in all this? (without digging back for quotes) I recall, She could care less that I am leaving, She could care less about me seeing the kids, she threatened me with keeping the kids, she threatened me with me not having a penny, she talked on the phone with her friends like she could care less that I was leaving. And now it's all your fault? You made all the mistakes, you are the selfish, manipulative controller? Sounds like you need to buy some waders. The shit is getting deep! Time, time my friend you need time to rationalize and let things simmer. Continue to ask advice from others. It's always helpful to see things from an outsiders perspective. You may not believe it's a donkey. The first two or three people tell you "It's a donkey". You still don't believe it. After 100 people tell you, "it's a donkey". Well guess what? You have to face the fact. It's a donkey. Thank-you greatcoastal I really needed to hear that and appreciate the time you took to specifically list the details. Really helps me and big thank-you again. I read and re-read your post. Blessings! |
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 20, 2017 11:22:46 GMT -5
Relax mc roomy. Let some dust settle. Breathe. Nothing has to happen now. Just concentrate on yourself and the rest will fall into place. The kids will still love you and their Mum. It'll be ok xxx Thank-you thank-you thank-you YES - I need to LET dust settle - "LET" being the key word . Let go and stop myself. The problem got magnified and out of control because of my trying to tinker with it and just made it worse. So exactly "Nothing has to happen now" - I am not doing anything - I got to lick wounds and wait for some healing to occur all by itself without my intervention or meddling. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Apr 20, 2017 13:46:25 GMT -5
I'm in the boat with wom360. I think you will be back to status quo in 2 months or less. There is a term for what I think you are getting ready to do. That term is "screw the pooch". Roomie, I think you are about 2 steps from "screwing the pooch" Appreciate the comment. "Screwing the Pooch" - well I had to look that up and even asked a retired Air Force military what that meant. Can you please give me a hint what that means? I am tending to agree with you. I've heard the term used in several different regions of the country. Basically what it means is that one is making a monumental error that will likely to come back to haunt you. From your posts about your initial actions with the new girlfriend, then follow up posts about changing your mind again and the resulting hurt inflicted on just about everybody, including the damage done to your own self image and mindset, I would have to conclude that the last group of actions you have taken definitely qualify as having "screwed the pooch". |
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