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Post by nancyb on Apr 20, 2017 16:12:27 GMT -5
Wading into this morass. McRoomate...things are fucked up beyond repair however the sun will rise again tomorrow and so will you. Best of luck.
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 20, 2017 17:02:00 GMT -5
worksforme2 Appreciate the comment. "Screwing the Pooch" - well I had to look that up and even asked a retired Air Force military what that meant. Can you please give me a hint what that means? I am tending to agree with you. I've heard the term used in several different regions of the country. Basically what it means is that one is making a monumental error that will likely to come back to haunt you. From your posts about your initial actions with the new girlfriend, then follow up posts about changing your mind again and the resulting hurt inflicted on just about everybody, including the damage done to your own self image and mindset, I would have to conclude that the last group of actions you have taken definitely qualify as having "screwed the pooch". OK - wow well I am trying really hard and even squinting to see between the words and looking for some optimism there. I think I might see glimpses. Yes I inflicted profound nearly fatal blows to everyone's heart in the past 24 hours including mine. I am functioning today and actually made progress on a massive deal in my professional life - and ate well (yes I can eat believe it or not - I am surprised myself). The past days 24 April 18 to 20 were horrible black days of pain. Friday - comes now and NEW BEGINNINGS - Out of the Ashes cometh the Pheonix. So I hit "bottom" from divorce / midlife crisis / SM / (Insert neurosis / tragic flaw here) etc.). So only one way to go now if I already hit bottom. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 20, 2017 21:51:34 GMT -5
McRoomMate I'm so glad to hear that your work deal went well. And yes, it is important to eat well (healthy, not too much, & still delicious). You are pretty right on that from a bottom there's only one direction and that is: UP. Take time, care, & patience moving forward. Maintain your own sovereignty. I'd suggest engaging an actual counselor or therapist (for hire, professionally), and not just bringing your "friend the psychiatrist" these issues in an unpaid hit & miss manner. I believe you would benefit from weekly visits with a therapist who focuses solely on you for a bit. Get some deep heartfelt clarity. No matter what your next move turns out to be, it needs to be based on some deeply felt conviction. You can gain that if you're open, honest, forthcoming with a good counselor. Good luck navigating the rest of the mine field. Act slowly so you can act surely.
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Post by TMD on Apr 20, 2017 22:19:19 GMT -5
In reading this thread, lots of great thoughts. And here are mine;
- you are really hard on yourself, McRoommate
- your wife shares responsibility for all of this too
- if you have the inclination to read, try the following book out. It provided me with the best clarity re: healthy relationships, what they are composed of. I was also able to eliminate my "roommate" as suitable relationship material. "When Good People Have Affairs."
- believe it or not, the author of the book, a therapist herself, doesn't recommend, "full disclosure." That said, its ultimately your choice. And there are pros and cons. I feel, regardless what my roommate knows, that the affair is not the problem, the dysfunctional marriage is, and focusing on the affair distracts from the root problem(s).
Wishing you a place of peace to sort through all of this.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 20, 2017 22:53:24 GMT -5
Brother, I've got to ask it, and please don't be offended.
Are you on something? Or do you have any psychological issues?
I'm not trying to be harsh but you are all over the place from leaving wife to leaving mistress to telling kids to couples weekend to telling kids back to leaving again to back with mistress? I'm not sure of I got everything right but they type of behavior you're displaying is more typical with someone who is high or psychologically impaired than a normal functioning person.
Let me say this just one time... For the sake of your kids you need to get control of yourself. With the trauma you just put them through you need to put the mistress on hold and work with the wife to avoid further traumatizing the kids. They are innocent in this and really don't deserve your shit right now.
I think this is the first "non cheerleader" message I've ever written on the forum. But dude.. Someone needs to slap some sense into you and either sober you up or get you to personal counseling... Immediately. Take fucking care of your kids first.
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Post by baza on Apr 21, 2017 1:38:57 GMT -5
This now reads like you having been ready to go a day or so ago, you 180'd and were ready to launch a recsue mission, but have now 180'd again.
You have managed to really shred your cred here.
I dunno if you are in a head space to consider this suggestion - but here it is -
Would you consider putting your missus AND your girlfriend on hold, and get your own shit sorted out before meaningfully engaging with either one again ?
That would go some way toward re-establishing your cred after a while, and once you have done so, and got your shit sorted, and know what you want, you'd be re-engaging from a position of certainty and strength.
The risk is of course that either your missus, or your girlfriend, or BOTH, may tire of the whole thing and not be prepared to go on hold whilst you sort yourself out.
Your missus in particular, might not react real well when / if she discovers the existence of the girlfriend, and could well choose to act on her own initiative to unload you, thus making the hard call herself rather than leaving it to you.
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 21, 2017 3:08:16 GMT -5
Brother, I've got to ask it, and please don't be offended. Are you on something? Or do you have any psychological issues? I'm not trying to be harsh but you are all over the place from leaving wife to leaving mistress to telling kids to couples weekend to telling kids back to leaving again to back with mistress? I'm not sure of I got everything right but they type of behavior you're displaying is more typical with someone who is high or psychologically impaired than a normal functioning person. Let me say this just one time... For the sake of your kids you need to get control of yourself. With the trauma you just put them through you need to put the mistress on hold and work with the wife to avoid further traumatizing the kids. They are innocent in this and really don't deserve your shit right now. I think this is the first "non cheerleader" message I've ever written on the forum. But dude.. Someone needs to slap some sense into you and either sober you up or get you to personal counseling... Immediately. Take fucking care of your kids first. Thank-you very very much for the excellent advice. NO - I am not on anything other than reality. Yes I agree therapy would be good and of course do not traumatize the children. I respect and appreciate the slap nature of the post really and truly. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 21, 2017 3:47:28 GMT -5
This now reads like you having been ready to go a day or so ago, you 180'd and were ready to launch a recsue mission, but have now 180'd again. You have managed to really shred your cred here. I dunno if you are in a head space to consider this suggestion - but here it is - Would you consider putting your missus AND your girlfriend on hold, and get your own shit sorted out before meaningfully engaging with either one again ? That would go some way toward re-establishing your cred after a while, and once you have done so, and got your shit sorted, and know what you want, you'd be re-engaging from a position of certainty and strength. The risk is of course that either your missus, or your girlfriend, or BOTH, may tire of the whole thing and not be prepared to go on hold whilst you sort yourself out. Your missus in particular, might not react real well when / if she discovers the existence of the girlfriend, and could well choose to act on her own initiative to unload you, thus making the hard call herself rather than leaving it to you. As usual Baza you hit the nail on the head and this is a very tricky nail. My decision is to stay the course I originally agreed on with myself over about 90 days of "sorting my shit out". I believe the 180 flip flop was principally a result of seeing my children suffer and a mad desperate instinctive paternal reaction to "stop the bleeding" suffering. So I am informally agreed with my W and myself too not to see them for about a month (maybe shorter / maybe longer) so I do not do anything stupid again. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 21, 2017 7:14:08 GMT -5
This now reads like you having been ready to go a day or so ago, you 180'd and were ready to launch a recsue mission, but have now 180'd again. You have managed to really shred your cred here. I dunno if you are in a head space to consider this suggestion - but here it is - Would you consider putting your missus AND your girlfriend on hold, and get your own shit sorted out before meaningfully engaging with either one again ? That would go some way toward re-establishing your cred after a while, and once you have done so, and got your shit sorted, and know what you want, you'd be re-engaging from a position of certainty and strength. The risk is of course that either your missus, or your girlfriend, or BOTH, may tire of the whole thing and not be prepared to go on hold whilst you sort yourself out. Your missus in particular, might not react real well when / if she discovers the existence of the girlfriend, and could well choose to act on her own initiative to unload you, thus making the hard call herself rather than leaving it to you. As usual Baza you hit the nail on the head and this is a very tricky nail. My decision is to stay the course I originally agreed on with myself over about 90 days of "sorting my shit out". I believe the 180 flip flop was principally a result of seeing my children suffer and a mad desperate instinctive paternal reaction to "stop the bleeding" suffering. So I am informally agreed with my W and myself too not to see them for about a month (maybe shorter / maybe longer) so I do not do anything stupid again. To elaborate, I now believe the concept of "TEMPORARY INSANITY" does exist, yes personal experience. If I am ever on jury and the defendant pleads that he will certainly have a sympathetic listener. In criminal law, this defense comes up for "crimes of passion" - I did not commit any crime per se - I sure as shit caused a lot of pain to a lot of people I love. From Wikipedia definition of "temporary insanity": "The notion of temporary insanity argues that a defendant was insane during the commission of a crime, but they later regained their sanity after the criminal act was carried out. This legal defense is commonly used to defend individuals that have committed crimes of passion." And to be crystal clear I OWN THIS MESS - it is not an excuse - just that I think I lost my mind temporarily seeing my children suffer and it is MY MESS TO CLEAN UP - 100% Admit it. |
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Post by seabr33z3 on Apr 21, 2017 8:51:15 GMT -5
APPRECIATE ALL THE COMMENTS ! ! ! Thank-you for the support and calling me on my insane panic motivated bat brained desperate ideas. Any how I cancelled everything this morning and said "I was just doing it to stop the kids from being in pain" My STBX had a monster melt down and children went from sad to traumatized level of pain. What a FUBAR mess I created. I should have just stayed the Hell away and let the pain subside. Now I basically multiplied the trauma and the pain by planting temporary "FAlse Hope" I deserve the damage and rage against me - Let this be a lesson Think, think, think, I acted on impulse overwhelmed by the pain in my children and now made it 10 times worse. I now can only wait say a month before reconnecting and starting to rebuild the Love and Trust which now is totally shattered. Life will go on and I must give time time and wait for the pain to subside. This is why DIVORCE SUCKS - because it causes massive pain to the ones we love the most - Well I came to this conclusiion to cancel because I spent the evening with my psychiatrist friend and I did most of the talking but we came to the conclusion "staying together only for the childs sake by pretending to fall in love again with your wife will not work" so I cancelled everything this morning and that is when ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE (rage, hate, meltdown all aimed at me . . . and rightly so). That was difficult and courageous. For your wife and kids sake it was the right move. If you are truly wanting to try to fix this it must be for the right reasons. It's like the alcoholic who goes into rehab to appease someone else or putting a sticking plaster over the wound. No. The wound needs thoroughly irrigated and all the gunk sloughed out, then treated with the intention of promoting healthy tissue |
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 24, 2017 2:26:44 GMT -5
APPRECIATE ALL THE COMMENTS ! ! ! Thank-you for the support and calling me on my insane panic motivated bat brained desperate ideas. Any how I cancelled everything this morning and said "I was just doing it to stop the kids from being in pain" My STBX had a monster melt down and children went from sad to traumatized level of pain. What a FUBAR mess I created. I should have just stayed the Hell away and let the pain subside. Now I basically multiplied the trauma and the pain by planting temporary "FAlse Hope" I deserve the damage and rage against me - Let this be a lesson Think, think, think, I acted on impulse overwhelmed by the pain in my children and now made it 10 times worse. I now can only wait say a month before reconnecting and starting to rebuild the Love and Trust which now is totally shattered. Life will go on and I must give time time and wait for the pain to subside. This is why DIVORCE SUCKS - because it causes massive pain to the ones we love the most - Well I came to this conclusiion to cancel because I spent the evening with my psychiatrist friend and I did most of the talking but we came to the conclusion "staying together only for the childs sake by pretending to fall in love again with your wife will not work" so I cancelled everything this morning and that is when ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE (rage, hate, meltdown all aimed at me . . . and rightly so). That was difficult and courageous. For your wife and kids sake it was the right move. If you are truly wanting to try to fix this it must be for the right reasons. It's like the alcoholic who goes into rehab to appease someone else or putting a sticking plaster over the wound. No. The wound needs thoroughly irrigated and all the gunk sloughed out, then treated with the intention of promoting healthy tissue The "RIGHT REASON" - there can be only one. My objective and I will do this with all My Heart (which is a cauldron of desire and love and madness) is to make my current Marriage into a "LOVING AFFECTIONATE HAPPY COUPLE" it will take Willingness and Hard Work by BOTH of US or all is lost. I do not think this will be "reset sex" but RESET EVERYTHING go back to where we were 10 years ago and reconnect when we both fell in love. And frankly . . . lots and lots of Intimacy and sex (a part of the intimacy). If Possession is 9/10s of the law as they say, then I think strong Intimacy and Sex is 9/10s of a happy couple in love. The Doing not the Believing / Feeling will be the order of the day. I am trying a new experiment DO and the FEEL will follow. |
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Post by novembercomingfire on Apr 24, 2017 6:09:53 GMT -5
That was difficult and courageous. For your wife and kids sake it was the right move. If you are truly wanting to try to fix this it must be for the right reasons. It's like the alcoholic who goes into rehab to appease someone else or putting a sticking plaster over the wound. No. The wound needs thoroughly irrigated and all the gunk sloughed out, then treated with the intention of promoting healthy tissue The "RIGHT REASON" - there can be only one. My objective and I will do this with all My Heart (which is a cauldron of desire and love and madness) is to make my current Marriage into a "LOVING AFFECTIONATE HAPPY COUPLE" it will take Willingness and Hard Work by BOTH of US or all is lost. I do not think this will be "reset sex" but RESET EVERYTHING go back to where we were 10 years ago and reconnect when we both fell in love. And frankly . . . lots and lots of Intimacy and sex (a part of the intimacy). If Possession is 9/10s of the law as they say, then I think strong Intimacy and Sex is 9/10s of a happy couple in love. The Doing not the Believing / Feeling will be the order of the day. I am trying a new experiment DO and the FEEL will follow. I wish you well. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 24, 2017 10:35:22 GMT -5
The "RIGHT REASON" - there can be only one. My objective and I will do this with all My Heart (which is a cauldron of desire and love and madness) is to make my current Marriage into a "LOVING AFFECTIONATE HAPPY COUPLE" it will take Willingness and Hard Work by BOTH of US or all is lost. I do not think this will be "reset sex" but RESET EVERYTHING go back to where we were 10 years ago and reconnect when we both fell in love. And frankly . . . lots and lots of Intimacy and sex (a part of the intimacy). If Possession is 9/10s of the law as they say, then I think strong Intimacy and Sex is 9/10s of a happy couple in love. The Doing not the Believing / Feeling will be the order of the day. I am trying a new experiment DO and the FEEL will follow. I wish you well. Thank-you. Very very much appreciated. I made a conscious decision to do EVERYTHING in my power to fix my marriage and restore it to a LOVING AFFECTIONATE HAPPY COUPLE - I can honestly say with 100% sincerity that I did not do this yet. Failure? Yes that is possible, but only when I can say with complete good faith that I tried everything, WE tried everything. I am very confident that BOTH of US are very strongly committed to WORK and REBUILD. We have re-made contact and both of us are so serious now about this for OUR COUPLE FIRST and then the wonderful family we have created shall benefit from this, but unquestionably it is the PURENESS MOTIVATION of OUR COUPLE that must come first. Out of the ashes cometh the Phoenix. Blessings to All! |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2017 14:36:08 GMT -5
Good luck.
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Post by lyn on Apr 24, 2017 14:42:37 GMT -5
So, are you back with the Wife then? I may have missed this part somewhere, but, I thought that you left the W, got your own place (w/fwb), then, broke off with fwb, went back to wife, then, broke off with wife and back to fwb. Now, back with W - no fwb? Hope you're doing ok McRoomMateIf this confuses me, it must be doing a really doozy on you. |
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