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Post by seabr33z3 on Apr 19, 2017 8:03:55 GMT -5
Might I humbly suggest that in 3 months, 6 months, one year's time you don't attempt to contact this 'tough' cookie. Sounds like you trashed her heart. A simple " Bye" is more telling than a tirade. Yes you absolutely can suggest this. I am guilty of destroying and trashing a lot of hearts these days. We fell madly in love but I cannot bear the thought of my W and children suffering. There is no way out of this without pain and probably will endure for a while. I even saw a priest a few months ago and confessed everything and he said he did not envy me. Sorry for turning this forum into a FUBAR exhibition of my heart. No. It's absolutely fine to lay it all out, that's the beauty of this group.It's just that your post came across as somewhat blasé about the woman you supposedly love. Of course you might be the couple that turn this around, you might.... |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2017 8:05:04 GMT -5
She had all this time to do something about it and waits until the family is destroyed - here is my prediction, you go back, then she knows you don't have the ability to follow through, that you will cave , another thing she will see as you being unmanly - things will go back to normal because she now knows your threats are empty and when you bring up leaving again she will throw your inability to do it the first time in your face.
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Post by WindSister on Apr 19, 2017 8:07:16 GMT -5
I don't buy into the term "midlife crisis." I think it's Midlife Awakening, honestly. And that is not just a "play on words." Why is it a negative thing to realize we don't live forever and we want to feel love, intimacy, passion? Why is it negative to expect a relationship that is NOT dead? Why is it a negative thing to expect a partner to join us in pursuing a life of love, passion and intimacy? Why is it negative to want to have FUN, LAUGH, DANCE? No, I think calling it a "midlife crisis" demeans what you have been going through, what you are realizing about what you want out of life.
I think it's wise to break it off with the other woman. Leaving one "for" another can sometimes make things more confusing (not saying that is wrong, and it works for some, just saying for most it leads to confusion). So yeah, giving your marriage another shot - kudos. But don't let yourself be slowly boiled alive again. It was no "crisis" you went through (oh, SUCH a pet peeve of mine calling it that, grrr!!!).
We may sometimes sound like we are "pro-divorce" here but that's because reality is what it is and people rarely change just because you want them to.
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Post by seabr33z3 on Apr 19, 2017 8:08:43 GMT -5
She had all this time to do something about it and waits until the family is destroyed - here is my prediction, you go back, then she knows you don't have the ability to follow through, that you will cave , another thing she will see as you being unmanly - things will go back to normal because she now knows your threats are empty and when you bring up leaving again she will throw your inability to do it the first time in your face. I hope you are wrong, but sadly it sounds like she is playing on his good nature. |
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Post by WindSister on Apr 19, 2017 8:10:14 GMT -5
Might I humbly suggest that in 3 months, 6 months, one year's time you don't attempt to contact this 'tough' cookie. Sounds like you trashed her heart. A simple " Bye" is more telling than a tirade. Yes you absolutely can suggest this. I am guilty of destroying and trashing a lot of hearts these days. We fell madly in love but I cannot bear the thought of my W and children suffering. There is no way out of this without pain and probably will endure for a while. I even saw a priest a few months ago and confessed everything and he said he did not envy me. Sorry for turning this forum into a FUBAR exhibition of my heart. This worries me for you, McRoommate. If you and your wife are not actually right for each other or in love, what favor are you doing anyone staying together? Staying with someone for that reason is actually selfish because then she can't find someone who will love her as she is, without needing to change. Someone loves my ex as he is, video-gaming, lazy ass self. I am happy for him for that!! I wanted who I am married to now - we are active, have a neat and clean house and touch and cuddle and dance and have happy, satisfying sex every week with NO ISSUES surrounding it. If I had stayed with my ex for fear of hurting his feelings, we would both be missing out on life. |
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Post by seabr33z3 on Apr 19, 2017 8:21:28 GMT -5
Yes you absolutely can suggest this. I am guilty of destroying and trashing a lot of hearts these days. We fell madly in love but I cannot bear the thought of my W and children suffering. There is no way out of this without pain and probably will endure for a while. This worries me for you, McRoommate. If you and your wife are not actually right for each other or in love, what favor are you doing anyone staying together? Staying with someone for that reason is actually selfish because then she can't find someone who will love her as she is, without needing to change. Someone loves my ex as he is, video-gaming, lazy ass self. I am happy for him for that!! I wanted who I am married to now - we are active, have a neat and clean house and touch and cuddle and dance and have happy, satisfying sex every week with NO ISSUES surrounding it. If I had stayed with my ex for fear of hurting his feelings, we would both be missing out on life. It's not so much " staying for the wrong reasons", I'm guilty of that myself. For me it's more about his anticipation for success to his standard. No one wants to poop on his party, we'd all love to see a successful turnaround story, but caution is a better approach for one's mental and emotional wellbeing. It's important to hold on to hope, but this approach is worrying. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 19, 2017 8:37:46 GMT -5
I don't buy into the term "midlife crisis." I think it's Midlife Awakening, honestly. And that is not just a "play on words." Why is it a negative thing to realize we don't live forever and we want to feel love, intimacy, passion? Why is it negative to expect a relationship that is NOT dead? Why is it a negative thing to expect a partner to join us in pursuing a life of love, passion and intimacy? Why is it negative to want to have FUN, LAUGH, DANCE? No, I think calling it a "midlife crisis" demeans what you have been going through, what you are realizing about what you want out of life. I think it's wise to break it off with the other woman. Leaving one "for" another can sometimes make things more confusing (not saying that is wrong, and it works for some, just saying for most it leads to confusion). So yeah, giving your marriage another shot - kudos. But don't let yourself be slowly boiled alive again. It was no "crisis" you went through (oh, SUCH a pet peeve of mine calling it that, grrr!!!). We may sometimes sound like we are "pro-divorce" here but that's because reality is what it is and people rarely change just because you want them to. Thank-you Thank-you THANK-YOU !!! I am really meditating on these posts. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 19, 2017 8:44:47 GMT -5
Yes you absolutely can suggest this. I am guilty of destroying and trashing a lot of hearts these days. We fell madly in love but I cannot bear the thought of my W and children suffering. There is no way out of this without pain and probably will endure for a while. I even saw a priest a few months ago and confessed everything and he said he did not envy me. Sorry for turning this forum into a FUBAR exhibition of my heart. This worries me for you, McRoommate. If you and your wife are not actually right for each other or in love, what favor are you doing anyone staying together? Staying with someone for that reason is actually selfish because then she can't find someone who will love her as she is, without needing to change. Someone loves my ex as he is, video-gaming, lazy ass self. I am happy for him for that!! I wanted who I am married to now - we are active, have a neat and clean house and touch and cuddle and dance and have happy, satisfying sex every week with NO ISSUES surrounding it. If I had stayed with my ex for fear of hurting his feelings, we would both be missing out on life. Thank-you both my W and I agreed that INTIMACY is important and that it was missing. We became an SM probably due to Life getting in the way of our couple. We are both busy people and we have lots of kids. We both are willing to WORK at the relationship. I still find her attractive and we are good in bed together and were in the beginning. She still has her figure and I am still fairly athletic. What I am particularly focused on is she really tried a few times to be intimate with me after I threatened divorce and I refused. I was resentful at her. My experience is that Resentment and Anger are never the "Core" emotion but usually layered on top of something - usually from pain and/or fear. This may be in a deeper analysis an exercise of examining my Fears. For some reason we really did fall madly in love with each other 12 years ago and for a long time we were perpetually kissing and holding each other . . . It might have been the pregnancy, it might have been my addictions and other toxic habits, it might have been her, well can we rekindle or rediscover why we first fell madly in love and nurture that back to health. The "Classic SM" is not applicable in my case - she is not averse to sex and neither am I but she claims I got cold and distant and I claim she has a low libido. It is like we are both "Refusers" because for pride or distraction - no one asked. A lot of the Women on this Forum describe their Husband and some of the time that can describe me. I am no saint and have given into animalistic lust too much. Maybe I need to be more pure in my motives and honest with heart and soul. |
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Post by WindSister on Apr 19, 2017 8:47:12 GMT -5
This worries me for you, McRoommate. If you and your wife are not actually right for each other or in love, what favor are you doing anyone staying together? Staying with someone for that reason is actually selfish because then she can't find someone who will love her as she is, without needing to change. Someone loves my ex as he is, video-gaming, lazy ass self. I am happy for him for that!! I wanted who I am married to now - we are active, have a neat and clean house and touch and cuddle and dance and have happy, satisfying sex every week with NO ISSUES surrounding it. If I had stayed with my ex for fear of hurting his feelings, we would both be missing out on life. Thank-you both my W and I agreed that INTIMACY is important and that it was missing. We became an SM probably due to Life getting in the way of our couple. We are both busy people and we have lots of kids. We both are willing to WORK at the relationship. I still find her attractive and we are good in bed together and were in the beginning. She still has her figure and I am still fairly athletic. What I am particularly focused on is she really tried a few times to be intimate with me after I threatened divorce and I refused. I was resentful at her. My experience is that Resentment and Anger are never the "Core" emotion but usually layered on top of something - usually from pain and/or fear. This may be in a deeper analysis an exercise of examining my Fears. For some reason we really did fall madly in love with each other 12 years ago and for a long time we were perpetually kissing and holding each other . . . It might have been the pregnancy, it might have been my addictions and other toxic habits, it might have been her, well can we rekindle or rediscover why we first fell madly in love and nurture that back to health. The "Classic SM" is not applicable in my case - she is not averse to sex and neither am I but she claims I got cold and distant and I claim she has a low libido. It is like we are both "Refusers" because for pride or distraction - no one asked. A lot of the Women on this Forum describe their Husband and some of the time that can describe me. I am no saint and have given into animalistic lust too much. Maybe I need to be more pure in my motives and honest with heart and soul. This makes much more sense than staying for fear of hurting hearts. I do wish you both clarity on this journey and if it leads to a stronger marriage, then that's a win!  |
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Post by wom360 on Apr 19, 2017 9:06:30 GMT -5
You'll be sexless again in 2 months.
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Post by wom360 on Apr 19, 2017 9:14:43 GMT -5
By the way does she know about your affair? If you think you can have true intimacy without telling her, you're fooling yourself.
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Post by WindSister on Apr 19, 2017 9:23:59 GMT -5
By the way does she know about your affair? If you think you can have true intimacy without telling her, you're fooling yourself. Ouch. McRoomMate, I hate to agree, but this is very true. Intimacy requires full disclosure, honesty, or you will hold some inner angst that will keep you from fully opening to her. Intimacy is being able to be yourself, wholly, and still be loved and accepted. Course, the path to that will not be without suffering/pain as well. But don't fear the pain, fear the numbness. Fear the facades that cover a life of lies. Pain is better than lies. Pain leads to a heart that has been broken but able to be filled more once healed/on the way to healing. I feel weird dishing out marriage advise. These are just my thoughts - take 'em or leave them and do what feels right to you. |
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 19, 2017 9:33:44 GMT -5
I agree with GG to keep your own place.
You both basically need to start dating each other again like its a new relationship
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 19, 2017 10:44:58 GMT -5
Full disclosure? I will ask my psychiatrist friend about this
No I am not a patient but maybe I should be
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Post by shamwow on Apr 19, 2017 10:48:58 GMT -5
Brother @mcroommate,
Didn't you just tell the kids you are divorcing? Right now, you're going through a lot of shit. If I can make an observation and a suggestion?
Observation: Right now, you may be going through a mid-life-crisis. You're also kind of dragging EVERYONE around you through the shit storm. Look, dragging your wife and affair partner through it is kind of par for the course. Each of them made a voluntary choice to partner with you. But dude, your kids?
Suggestion: You don't need a "couples weekend." You need a solo weekend or two to figure things out. Until you figure out what YOU want, you will keep dragging everyone you love through crap. Again, not judging, but you really need to think about the kids before your own needs...especially since you apparently don't even know what your needs ARE at this point.
Relax...take a breath...take another breath. Before you try to "fix" anything, you need to figure out what it is you really want.
Just my two cents, brother.
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