WHY do they refuse?

I would liked to amend my above post. So that other will know what happens when you begin to emotionally distance yourself from your spouse.

One of the consequences of emotional distancing yourself from your spouse is that you stop caring. I became a refuser of emotional support. I decided to become a refuser, the very thing I despised. It was a wake up for me. It gave me results with my wife. My wife was worried, which was not fair to her. It costs me a lot of the emotionally capital that my wife and I had built up. It ended up taking more from me than my wife.  I did not say anything to my wife but will now have to allow myself to get close again to her, which will take more work on my part.

I realize now that if I'm preparing to leave, then the healthy thing to do is to emotionally withdraw from my spouse. But I'm not leaving yet, so I need to be all in, and this means emotionally.  I've learned something about myself, I can pull away if I need to.  I've built the internal strength to do this now.  This is something that I would have never been able to do in the past.

If your spouse is an ass and not going to change, then by all means pull away emotionally. Just realize that pulling away emotionally has it own consequences.

I spent some time on a website called "Surviving Infidelity". If you are new to that site, you need a glossary to read the posts: "WS", "OW", "AP"... to name just a few.  By the way ALL THREE of those directly refer to "adulterers": "wayward spouse", "other woman", and "affair partner".  And two of those are regularly prefaced with "my":  "my WS", "my AP".  So there is one counter-example (or three) to sunniedays ' conjecture.  I would bet that if we spend much time on substance-abuse support website, we could also find jargon or abbreviations for terms that -- out of context -- could be considered more "disparaging" than "definitional".  (Just my hunch.)

As far as "terms that are needlessly disparaging", I don't think "refuser" scores very high.  Sure, it is used here with an undertone of judginess... but it is also just definitional.  Furthermore, if someone earnestly believed that long-term refusing a spouse ANY sexual contact is reasonable, then the term wouldn't be disparaging... no?

I think in the case of long term marital sexlessness, "refuser" is apt. Compare to DeadBeadrooms on reddit, where "HL" and "LL" stand for the high-libido and low-libido partner. Maybe those are more neutral/less judgey... but they, too, miss the mark in the case of a sexless marriage, where those of us here are probably "normal libido".

Alas: using "NL" to mean "normal libido" and "NL" to mean "no libido" (terms that better fit the situation in this forum) would be confusing!  So I -- for one -- am comfortable with using "refuser" as jargon on this forum.  (I admit I would not use it freely outside this forum.)

As for the comment "take some responsibility for your choice." -- I AGREE.  Here's the thing: in my estimation, the folks who are tolerating long term marital sexlessness are WAY TOO RESPONSIBLE.  They stay so long in the SM because it is the "responsible thing" to do w.r.t. they children.  Or they feel responsible to care for their spouse.  Or responsible to their faith, or family, or...  I think anyone who sticks with a sexless situation for a decade or more then ends up here has spent many, many years responsibly wondering "what have I done wrong?", "what can I do?", "how can I help my spouse?".  

In my estimation, it is irresponsible people who would just up an leave the marriage on light pretense or when things get a little tough or when their unchecked libido draws them into a casual infidelity; it is those of us with over-active responsibility glands that have endured long-term marital sexlessness.  In fact, this whole forum could be renamed "ORPDWMS" -- "Overly Responsible People Dealing With Marital Sexlessness".

(Just my 2¢.)

I realize that people use NL, LL, DB, AP, etc in these forums for the sake of ease.  They're often used a multitude of times in just one post, so to abbreviate is the simple, most streamline way to go.  However, it's just as simple to type my wife, as it is to type my refuser.  My wife is less key strokes.  My husband is the same amount of key strokes.  People may use what they wish, of course.  I'm eternally grateful that my spouse doesn't refer to me as a refuser.  As I would never refer to him as my pesterer, or my sex-fiend.


 I do agree that it is an admirable trait not to cut and run when the going gets tough, especially when there are minor children involved.  It just seems like if there is something so organically important that's missing in a relationship, something that seems to debase a person to the core, something so inherently important that's missing -- to the extent that a person in their situation likens it to a form of abuse, staying in a relationship "for the kids" doesn't seem the practical decision.  Especially after the kids are gone.  If your son or daughter came to you and confessed how unhappy and how emotionally abused they feel because their spouse was withholding sex out of spite or an attempt to control, would you advise them to stay?   Insert any unhealthy attribute in the scenario -- spouse cheats, gambles away the money, is verbally abusive or physically abusive -- you wouldn't give your child the advice to stay, for their children's sake.  I realize it's easier said than done.  But either something is intrinsically important to you or it's not.  It seems unfair to argue that sex when you want it, how you want it, is one of the top three most important aspects in a relationship; but on the other hand it's not important enough to take a stand and move on when it's not fulfilled to your expectations.  It just seems such a colossal waste of life to stand for something that you claim is so important, and when you're not receiving it in your relationship, you choose to stay and complain and try to figure out the why's of the situation, for years -- decades, sometimes, instead of perhaps looking for a solution for a year or whatever, and then moving on if a solution is not forthcoming.  

I want to be respected in my relationship.  It's one of MY top three most important aspects in a marriage.  Suppose I really love my husband.  EVERYTHING else about my marriage is perfect.  The sex is great.  He's a great father.  He's a great provider.  We like the same things.  BUT, everyday he tells me I'm stupid and ugly and worthless.  Every day.  Who is going to congratulate me for staying with him, for the kids' sake?  Who is going to tell me I should hang on for years, trying to figure out "why" he does what he does?  No one.  And I wouldn't.  Because respect is one of my top three most important aspects of a marriage.  And if I'm not getting it, I'm not staying.  

My point is only that if something is so important to a person, make it important.  Make a stand.  Don't waste your life.  Find someone who also finds it important.  

This, in spades!!!

"Surviving Infidelity" was one of my first stops when Mrs. Apocrypha decided to take her love to town.
It was helpful, I think, in dealing with the initial 2x4 across my head. And they do use all that jargon to point out the patterns and some tactics - it's true.

After spending quite a while there, I noticed that the patterns became an orthodoxy, and the jargon incredibly self-validating. I saw a number of people whose WS (wayward spouses) cheated on them, but some of them leaked context, such as a sex aversion, or a general reluctance toward introspection. The angry sanctimony appeared later when I was kicked from the group, with a terse letter (for the emotional safety of the others) for later mentioning that Mrs Apocrypha and I had later agreed to open our marriage, following a near failed reconciliation.

That is some brave and inspiring shit. You can't do it alone, but you can do everything YOU can do.

If you do leave, you will leave with you head held high. It might not mean anything to others, but I can tell it means a great deal to you.

Bravo!

I set one up on the old EP site  and basically every time anyone posted people from the old ILIASM group there would come over and pile on the abuse so people stopped posting.